I was diagnosed with PTSD at a very young age. I was taken from my real mother when I was 6 months old and she died shortly thereafter under suspicious circumstances. I was placed, with my birth sister and brother (both older) into the home of a very religious family. Our paternal grandparents had visitation rights and were very into satanism. (I know there are some false stories about this and I was very young. This is what I was told by my eventually adopted parents and given that I remember some very scary stuff, it is possible that they were into something very weird)
My siblings and I were in this situation for over four years before my sister and I (my brother ended up with the grandparents as he became extremely violent at the age of three) were adopted. During the time we were within the visitation agreement my paternal grandparents kept us in a state of fear by telling us things like telling me that I killed my mother and showing me photos of her in her coffin. My uncle that lived with them was acting as a servant, is what my adoptive parents tell me (and I remember him being there and obeying thier commands) and they were supposedly brought up on slavery charges for it. (I question this because how would they have gotten custody of my brother and why wouldn't they go to jail?) Other things went on, (possible sexual for me but I don't remember and docs couldn't be sure), but I don't want to trigger anyone so I'll try not to be to specific.
After we were adopted we were kept in very strict bounds. We were taken to councilors and put on drugs. I was on Zoloft until I was 18 and started medication for high blood pressure at the age of 6 or so. When I saw councilors I wasn't able to talk too much about my past because my mom always interjected and talked for me. When I did, it seemed non-beneficial. I was a very depressed kid and cried all the time. I lived a sheltered life because my mom was too 'sick' for me to ever go anywhere but take care of her. I always was a very trusting individual that would do anything for anyone, even if it hurt me.
After I got married and moved away, much of my depression went away. I didn't think about my childhood. My mom had a breakdown of her own and moved away two-thousand miles abruptly and my dad, afraid to loose her, went with. She had a stroke where she forgot from before my birth to present and after regaining memories credited me with helping her. When she came for a visit, however, she was too 'sick' to come see me or my sister choosing to spend that time with one of her birth children. I had to beg and drive 100 miles to see her and was mostly ignored except to be told how fat I had become and how she didn't believe my college career would pan out.
That's when I began to see what had happened to my life. I never questioned her ideals or stories. Logic began working itself through me about things I had been told versus things that I have learned on my own. I have no doubt that what happened as a kid caused trauma (the horror and abuse of my grandparents I don't question) but I think her causing me to live in fear of demons chasing me all the time might have made things worse in the long run.
I used to have horrific dreams when I was little. Usually they involved falling or demons, specifically demonic dogs, coming after me. During my teens I learned to forget these things and learned to sleep with the light off. Now it's all coming back but worse. I'm questioning my identity where she had renamed me and what may or may not be true about my past. I remember pieces and my sister doesn't talk about it because she was affected far worse by the abuses our grandparents subjected us to. (She was older and remembers better) I can't sleep with the light out. I have nightmares so intense, I wake up still feeling the pain of demons ripping me apart. I also have ton of dreams that have to do with heavy wind and tornadoes. (I have a phobia of tornadic storms or bad storms)
Some things I know I've had for a while but never thought to contribute it to PTSD like being affected when I see pictures/movies with dead people. (Doesn't bother me in a fake movie but in news reels or if it is a real person, I feel like I relive their last moments, over and over. This also happened when a close friend of mine died though I saw no pictures.) or my high blood pressure. I was never kept in the loop about my treatment or what was going on. Being told I had PTSD was only mentioned in passing and only through my own research have I realized how much it impacts my life.
I am extremely introverted and it's hard for me to talk to someone face-to-face. I tried a councilor last year (after the friend died) and it was a miserable experience that I'm worried about trying again since my treatment has to come from my college and I don't think the med students know how to take me. My blood pressure, partly because of my job where a supervisor is harassing me but maybe this having something to do with this, has been high enough my doctor has taken me from 50mg of Atenolol to 75 Atenolol and added 25mg of Chlorithaidone. We're still working with the drugs as my BP won't come down, especially at night.
I can't seem to take any stress without it being ten times worse than an average individual seems to be able to take. This has led me to decrease my work to 16 hours a week and I support my husband and myself off that money. I'm introverted that I have no close friends and virtually never go out except with sometimes my sister and her friend and my husband, who is the best anti-depressant most of the time.
I don't know what resources I have nor how to tackle this. I don't know what is really me and what has just been told is my life experiences. I've thought about changing my name back to my birth name because I felt so betrayed by my mom who had me believing for so long that that version of me was evil. I'm not sure if the name change thing is running away or restoring myself to that person I might have been had I not lived so long in fear. (A statement of "this person mom made me is not who I am") Much of the old memories I had are fuzzy so I'm not sure what triggers I have until I stumble on them sometimes.
Does anyone have any ideas how I could begin to find some way out of this haze? Is it possible that my PTSD was compounded by my adoptive mother and I'm just now waking up to it? Is it natural or healthy to try to re-envision my identity?
Sorry for the long post and thanks for advice.