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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Message Board


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Old 01-11-2013, 08:24 PM   #1
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PTSD getting the better of me

Hi Everyone,
This is my first post and hope I can get some relief and help here. I am a 52 year old woman who was diagnosed with abuse related PTSD in 2004. I suffered with anxiety and depression since childhood and more ailments were added over the years such as chronic insomnia, panic disorder, de personalization, flashbacks, nightmares etc.

It all started because I was abandoned at 4 months by my mother and so grew up with guardians who were abusive from the get go. There was physical, mental, emotional, sexual abuse from early and so I grew up a nervous child. At 18 in order to escape and feel a sense of belonging I entered a relationship with a man 7 years my senior. That was another phase. I endured 7 years of physical, mental and sexual abuse with him. I was even tortured at times. Throughout all this though I went to high school and completed college before age 22 and started teaching at a high school and did so for 14 years. However the symptoms were always there. At times I was convinced i was going crazy. Just when it ended with him I was raped by someone I knew and impregnated. I already had a child by the first abuser. I chose not to have an abortion and went through 9 months of hell and the same with post natal depression due to the way I conceived. I had a job and even though it was hard I was able to provide for this child.

The symptoms escalated and I had a nervous b/down at age 30 with the onset of panic disorder. I migrated and have been on every known SSRI and SNRI for depression which do not help. One psychiatrist said I am treatment resistant for the depression. I have had group and individual therapy which do not help. I don't want to see another therapist as I am tired of talking and not getting any help. Sometimes I wonder if I am to be blamed, if I relish being depressed and so I have become a recluse. I don't go anywhere. I don't socialize. I don't have any family except my 3 children and the 2 oldest who are not home do not keep in touch with me. That adds to my depression. Having migrated from the Caribbean I hate the cold dark winters where I live and the depression is worst during the winter months.

I am on disability( not long term) and so do not work now and that bothers me. I have been diagnosed with MS recently but not on any meds. I think they do not know what is really wrong as 1 neurologist said he did not know, another said it's transverse myelitis and the 3rd said it's MS. I am not worried about MS. I am just tired of the depression, being lonely, not having a family, feeling unloved, the nightmares and my thoughts. My last child will be starting university in the fall and I want to hang in there to be there for her but so far I am not doing a good job. My house is a mess and it usually is not but I am so depressed that I don't do anything.Then the mess gets to me. This is like a roller coaster. I wish there was a happy pill, a pill to take away all the pain.

 
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Phoenix (01-12-2013)
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Old 01-12-2013, 01:02 AM   #2
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Re: PTSD getting the better of me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Preserved60 View Post
I am on disability( not long term) and so do not work now and that bothers me. I have been diagnosed with MS recently but not on any meds. I think they do not know what is really wrong as 1 neurologist said he did not know, another said it's transverse myelitis and the 3rd said it's MS. I am not worried about MS. I am just tired of the depression, being lonely, not having a family, feeling unloved, the nightmares and my thoughts.
Hello Preserved60 and welcome.

Why wouldn't your condition be considered long term at this juncture? You have all the evidence to support this.

There's a saying that if it's not broke,then don't fix it but I feel(deep down) that you know something needs to be done.

Please post more,if you are up to it,as I would like to offer as much support as possible.

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Phoenix

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Last edited by Phoenix; 01-12-2013 at 01:06 AM.

 
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:44 PM   #3
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Re: PTSD getting the better of me

Find a therapist who uses EMDR. It can really help and doesn't involve huge amounts of talking...and talking...and talking....

Also, know that you aren't alone. I hope you find answers to your physical health issues as well. I have a muscle disease along with the PTSD, and it can feel really isolating.

Take care.

 
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