I apologize because this is going to be a long one - I feel desperate and lost, and scared, and just done - I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I can't feel like no one understands, and wander at night with my insomnia in the cold, while I starve and abuse my body. I can't do this anymore!!! I want to live and feel ME, or die, but no in between.
Synopsis (it's honest, so please don't read unless you can offer helpful, not hurtful, words): I'm 23. I'm a junior in college, for design, which I love. I went away to college when I was 19, but my dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly - it was hard and I already had an eating disorder, but that's when I fell off the deep end. I just kept panicking and by the end of that summer, had to be hospitalized for severe anorexia, which at that point, was just fear having taken over my body - I knew something wasn't right, but I was too scared to know what to do about it! My eating disorder kind of just got worse since then. I was back in the hospital from 2010-2012 for almost two years straight after opening up "trauma work"/doing EMDR and intensive psychotherapy. Ugh.
When I got out, the panic was bad but my friends and family helped - my mom said it was like how people in jail don't know how to live in real life again and some want to stay there. I got back in school and ended up having a pretty good summer. I felt ME again except I've struggled pretty severely with my eating disorder especially after getting back to school.
Before that, it was more panic - and this was the panic feeling.
It was like I needed help, KNEW there was nothing dangerous but didn't have that fundamental sense of safety that you have as just a person able to function - ever since the trauma therapy and getting attached to my therapist, I was so scared in the hospital like I almost felt like a child who needs someone to tell them it's going to be okay. I didn't feel okay. It was really this awful, indescribable feeling of fear. It was CONSTANT. It made me feel hopeless, made me feel horrible.
Abuse: I was abused and raped by a non-family member, man, who groomed me through a children's game when I was 13. He stayed in my home for months at a time. It lasted for years. Luckily, I was strong enough to get out, and when he stalked bad (crazily!) I did tell the police, just not about the abuse because I was convinced it was my fault, afraid my mom would get in trouble, humiliated by the things and threats he used to keep me under his control, and just RELIEVED once the stalking stopped, wasn't going to do ANYTHING that could cause that horror to come back!
Before that, I had insomnia already. I had some years (5th grade it started) of being "sick" - I don't know if it was anxiety. Sorry if this is TMI but I used to get panic attacks starting badly in grade 5 where I thought I was going to wet my pants, but teachers were strict about bathroom use and I would numb to the point of dissociating. I was told I had impacted constipation (after taken to numerous doctors), which I'm not sure was even true (because I was given so many laxatives, some of which made me vomit, for more than a year, and that's a long time not to be cured??) and that was embarrassing/some bullying, not severe, but I isolated. I missed LOTS of school.
I had a lot of anxiety - this was around when (right before grade 5) I found out my dad wasn't like other dads. He was a very ill alcoholic, 7-8 beers after work and 12-14 on weekends, sometimes hard liquor, always drunk at night, unpredictable and mean to my mom (hit her a few times but not much, mostly yelled and threatened us). My mom was always scared. The controlling and threatening her was the worst because she would go in her room and cry for hours every time. I was young but older than my brother and when I found out, I had to protect her. It's also part of the reason the man who abused me came to stay at our house.
Now I feel like a part of me is stuck in the past - I have vulnerable therapy sessions and then I feel attached and needly all over again, like I want my therapist like you'd want a mom. I still have my mom. She just doesn't know what to do. I don't want to die (from my eating disorder). I'm afraid. Please help.