26 years of abuse.
Hello guys. I just found this site last night because my paranoia and panic was setting in. I'll start from the beginning. Growing up my Father and Mother fought not in front of us but fought. I was 3 and my sister 2 when they split. My step father pretty much came into our life like Right after. he turned out to be a drunk so the fighting continued but not behind closed doors. I remember few good times then the bad not to say there was no good times. from 3 to 18 my life was either shattered in a sense of not living in a loving caring family. I had Friends I would stay at and was one of those friends that over stayed the welcome because there families were Soooo much better. it was like walking by a window and seeing something that looks awesome to you but knowing you'll never be able to get it. my Father and my relationship was damaged really bad due to my step fathers over punishments. (my step Father did go to AA when his first son was born.) twice I tried rooming with some one but they Failed before I even had a change to start. Working was almost unbearable the flash backs the panics the Fear just really fought against my a temps to move my life forward. Failure became my poison and chewed at my heart (still does today) and I left jobs all the time. I was 26 -27 when I met The woman I love today. (I know it sounds Scary I love her to Death) That's how it feels to me. 6 years together no abuse from my Step father and I don't even talk or let them see my daughter. The 6 years was intents Flashbacks again I lashed out at my Step Father but it wasnt him It was her. When I realize what was going on I wanted to kill myself. My pain was spilling into our relationship. Getting help here and there but nothing was working. She thought I was slacking because I wasn't working our not trying harder to get help for what ever was wrong with me. I lied for 26-27 years from the abuse. So naturally I lied in our relationship. She was becoming Strained and one day I told her I dont want her to Choose between me or her Kids like my mother choose my Step father over the protection of her kids. I didnt want that for her. Well she took the to heart and April was coming fast (the April were in now) and I was getting worse on the FEAR of losing the one thing that I was keeping me from the grave. a month and week before April I was told by my new Great therapist I have PTSD it was starting to work and after 3 weeks she was changing her place (therapist) I was losing Someone Again... then they gave me a new one she was awesome too I was on meds that didnt work before but work now. (my Woman became Seriously Doubtful because of that) another 4 visits later and this new one was leaving to go somewhere else to. OMG ANOTHER LOSE! MY fear was piling and piling! I read and read and Read still reading every thing I can about PTSD. I am tired of the pain the fear the Failure after failure. I was able to talk to my woman and with what I was Studying I was able to piece those 6 years and my past that caused the event of us together. Reason was because she thought I was not listening to her that I didnt Give a Rats butt about her or the kids. I told her I wanted to Die. she believes I say this because I'm trying to trap her make her feel guilty or pushing her in the corner. The truth is that pain I went thru and put others thru is soooooo intents My mind is getting weaker and weaker. I'm sooo tired I'm sure there are a lot of you that know this. My 5 year old daughter I dont want her to grow up looking for a person like me to abuse her. as my father put it. the thing that started a change in my father was when I told him I didnt want to be a dead beat dad. I told her for years she ( my woman) that she needs to hang out with friend because she never went out anywhere. 5 weeks ago she said I'm bowling on Thursday. she thought I would freak and I didnt I said thats Awesome. Now that we all had to move into her mothers house. All she does is talk to them and gives the kids attention Very little to me. MY Fear keeps thinking that she well get close to this one guy friend. Even tho she told me with a (only a woman can pull off) no *shutters* she has trust issues too. but is it not how most start off building that trust and some fall for there Friends? I'm still waiting on the office to get my new therapist I've been calling with no luck. This is tearing me apart. I cant talk to her about that without her think I'm just acting like her ex husband that controlled a lot of thing in there 15 year relationship. I jump if you couldnt tell. I promised her that I would live in another place to get better and for her to get better to save our Relationship. MY Dad was feeding me the Oh man she is going to kick you to the curb. Fear again Pilies and doubt was rake the inside of my skull. She told me before that just before the move that Absents makes the heart grow fonder. I'm working a job now that doesnt really give more hours til summer. so here I am looking for friends family and strangers to move in with and pay as cheap rent as I can to make it for a year or two to start over with the woman that REALLY means the world to me. She told me twice now that she isnt leaving and she has never been untrustworthy she has been very loyal VERY loyal. She was afraid that I was going to be like her EX and cheat on her I never have and never will. I have honor no matter how messed up I am. I'm not finding anything and everyone Friends and family are not able to take me in. PTSD has messed up a lot of trusts of family and friends and I feel like I'm being exiled to suffer alone and slowly die. Not to say I'm not but it's how it feels. The tears never stop sense the meds have basicly nulled the over whelming anger. it turning it into a Sea of tears. I need her I dont want to lose her. MY daughter is the one I should be happy to have and I am. But the one person that was that "Light in my darkness" is keeping me alive and kicking. That there would make her guilty or make her feel trapped in a corner. I know it sounds like a creeper. But after 26 years of pain and the one thing that doesnt cause that kind of pain. wouldnt you feel that way. it feels like the whole worlds colors are grey but her.