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Old 06-13-2012, 09:20 AM   #1
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Ppd?

I think I may have ppd but I have a fear of talking to a doctor about it because I think they'll try to take my children away from me. I have 4 kids. I just gave birth 7 weeks ago. I have no depression towards that baby but I do have something towards my 1.5 year old son. I had ppd after I had him and I never got treated for it. I think I'm still suffering from it. I also had ppd with my first but not with my 2nd. Now I'm seeing things that aren't there, having weird thoughts (not about hurting my kids or myself), just irrational and racing thoughts. I feel down a lot of the time when normally I'm a very happy person. I don't see the joy in anything anymore and I no longer look forward to anything anymore. I just don't care. But at the same time I'm overly worried about some things. I can't explain it. I feel jumpy and have been experiencing restless leg syndrome a lot especially at night when it's time to sleep. I panic over everything to the point I put the kids in the car and I turn around countless times to make sure they're definitely in the car and not left in the street. I can't continue to go on like this. If anyone can help me I'd appreciate it.

 
Old 06-13-2012, 10:37 AM   #2
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Re: Ppd?

I think anyone who has been through ppd is afraid that they will take away our kids. It's very scary, and the anxiety that is a part of the condition just makes everything seem scary.

It does sound like you have a lot of the ppd symptoms, and possibly the intrusive thoughts--which seem to pop out of nowhere, and they are about scary things; things you would never think up yourself. Does that feel like it fits?

There's at least one PPD Warmline out there, with really good information and referrals to people in your area (US and other) that can offer support and possible local resources. One has an expert chat via telephone weekly, and it's free.

What you may want to do is call your doc (the one you feel most comfortable with) and at least get a whole blood panel done to rule out thyroid imbalance, anemia etc. as some can mimic depression and anxiety. Then tell her/him what you've said here--your suspected ppd with the previous children. There's a questionnaire that can help identify possible ppd called the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. You may find that online and you could answer it, and take it with you to your doctor. Or find a good brochure online or webpage, and print that out. It may help the conversation if you have something to point to, kwim?

There's no reason to suffer through this round of ppd. It is VERY treatable. With medication, things can turn around quite quickly. You and the kids will feel much better.

 
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Old 06-13-2012, 10:52 AM   #3
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Re: Ppd?

I want to thank you for giving me all the info. I appreciate it more than you could ever know. I'm almost certain it's ppd. And yes the way you describe the thoughts is correct. I also have fears of being on bridges and I was never like this before. I think "oh my God what if the bridge breaks..or what if the car loses control and we crash and die..will we drown right away or suffer?" like sick thoughts that don't have to be thought about! I hate feeling this way. I really do. And I hate how I am towards my son. I'm not this way with my other children, just him and I can't figure out why. What makes him different. What does he do that brings this bad side out of me. I don't treat him fair and I can admit to it. Something about him bothers me and I know it could be serious. I'm going to try that hotline you gave me. And I'd like to talk to a doctor but I don't have insurance right now. Hopefully soon I will and then I can get to the bottom of it. Thank you again.

 
Old 06-13-2012, 11:06 AM   #4
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Re: Ppd?

The intrusive thoughts are anxiety, and are just thoughts. It's like our mother bear protective role on overdrive. It's horrible, but it can be such a relief to find out there's a name for them and that they are treatable.

I hear ya about the bridges. My thing with them was during an East Coast visit (those flat then big hump in the middle bridges) was some irrational fear/anxiety, and I've NEVER had a problem with bridges before. There was no choice but to drive over them, but yikes, I was holding that steering wheel tightly.

If you're in the US, there's often mental health clinics that offer free or sliding scale fees. If you're getting WIC the WIC office may know of a clinic.

Brooke Shields wrote a book, "Down Came the Rain" in 2003 about her experience with PPD/A w/intrusive thoughts. It's really good in capturing the experience. And she sounds fairly down to earth in the book--no army of nannies to help out etc. It may be in the library or available used on one of the big book sites.

There's a lot of support online, on social networking and so forth, great survivor blogs... You're not alone even though it can feel like it. I hope you can find a doc you can see--treatment is soooo helpful. Meds work. Therapy can help too. xo

 
Old 06-13-2012, 11:17 AM   #5
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Re: Ppd?

I forgot to say about your feelings towards your 3rd-born. That's kind of common. I don't know if it's an old old old survival thing our brain does or what, but this goes away with treatment. 1.5 year olds are just bursting with energy. It might just be with that energy and how they are ALL over the place that it feels like you are pulled in two directions. Older young kids you can reason with to a point, but a 18 month old ...not so much. He may be a little like a lightening rod, attracting all the stress and anxiety surrounding you, but he's all over the place (right?) so it seems like it's all him that is some kind of problem. It's not. It's just a stress reaction and survival thing. He's not at fault and neither are you. ppd is. This too shall pass. When he's jumping on your last nerve, see if you can take a time out, even if it's 5 minutes in the bathroom alone. Turn on the water full blast to cut down on the noise from the other side of the door. Oh, I've heard earplugs can help! Not so grating on the nerves. again, xo.

 
Old 06-13-2012, 11:29 AM   #6
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Re: Ppd?

The thing with the bridge is so bad because while my husband is driving I can actually FEEL the car shifting to one side, and it must be in my mind because he says the car isn't doing that. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane because I see things out from the corners of my eyes. Something standing there when nothing is there. It's really nerve wrecking and I was just never like this. Yes I had ppd with my first. I was so depressed for the first 6 months of her life. And I knew it was bad because the day I came home from the hospital with her, I left her with my husband and I went to take a shower. I started bawling like a baby by myself leaning against the bathroom wall. I couldn't figure out why. I just knew I was so down and unmotivated. At night I'd go to sleep at 7pm and my husband had to do everything with her. He'd try handing her over to me and I'd just walk out the room. I wanted NOTHING to do with her. She's 6 years old now and our relationship is so strong. I love that little girl. I just couldn't figure out why I was so cold to her in the beginning. I was 20 and unmarried when I had her so that could be one reason why. As for my second daughter, I had the baby blues for the first 2 weeks only because I was exhausted and needed some help from my husband. When he started helping me out more and I got more sleep, the baby blues went away and I was never detached from her. I was always close to her. Then my third son came along and depression hit the day I had him. I felt it and I knew what was going on. I just didn't get help for it. I let it linger on and here I am today, still struggling with him. I know it's not him persay, I know it's the depression but I look at him like he's a stranger. Someone I don't even know. Someone whom sometimes I wish I DIDN'T know, and I know that sounds so horrible.

I'd like to get that book by Brooke Shields. I knew she had ppd but I never thought to get the book. Thank you.

 
Old 06-13-2012, 11:39 AM   #7
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Re: Ppd?

With your son, it's similar to with your first daughter, but that time it lifted after 6 months. With him it didn't, so your bond with him is still behind the wall of ppd. It's there, but the ppd is in the way.

Being young and single may have been some of what landed you with ppd, but it's the ppd that blocked your relationship with her. Just like with him. And just like with her, once your ppd is cleared up, so with that relationship.

{{{{hugs}}}} I'm off to work now.

 
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Old 06-13-2012, 11:55 AM   #8
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Re: Ppd?

That makes a lot of sense.
I do wish to have a good relationship with him. I don't want him to grow up and remember mommy always yelling at him. I know he feels left out, and I'm sure he wonders why I treat him differently. I don't mean to, it just keeps happening. It's like something takes control over me and I can't stop it.

Last edited by Chrissy26; 06-13-2012 at 11:55 AM.

 
Old 06-13-2012, 01:36 PM   #9
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Re: Ppd?

I can understand. I have a 5.5 month old baby girl. I felt like I had some ppd back in Jan-Feb. I didn't want to be in the house and was nervouse to be around my own baby. Not in fear of hurting her but just nervous and scared that I could not take care of her. Unfortuneatly by not eating and not taking care of myself I got a horrible cold and ended up getting a virus in my ear. Which led to worse things of being very dizzy and sick. I ended up having 25% weakness to my left inner ear now that needs to be compensated for. So after saying all this, I would definitely call your doctor. All you should have to tell them is that you are feeling you have ppd and need to make an appt. to see if they can help you. They should be understanding and very willing to help you out.

 
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Old 06-13-2012, 01:44 PM   #10
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Re: Ppd?

I'm sorry for what happened to you. I want to talk to a doctor but right now I have no insurance so I don't know how to go about that.

 
Old 06-13-2012, 02:58 PM   #11
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Re: Ppd?

I hope you are able to get better. Try to think about the positive things in your life that you are thankful for. I am sure you will feel better sooner than you think. *Hugs* :-)

 
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Old 06-13-2012, 03:27 PM   #12
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Re: Ppd?

Thank you so much.
I try but then I feel down again. Like, when I smile about something I automatically tell myself "why are you happy for?" and I get down again.

 
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Old 06-13-2012, 06:58 PM   #13
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Re: Ppd?

"SAMHSA" has a locator for mental health services (and substance abuse too, but don't let that throw you off) in every nook and cranny of the US. See if there is something near you, and call them. Find out how one accesses services. Sometimes it takes finding the local "access" phone number (in the front of the phone book perhaps, or try 211) and making a call to them, as they are the entry point to services. ie. TANF, SNAP, WIC, etc. Or call the hospital where you gave birth (or midwife) and ask them where to start when you don't have insurance but think you have ppd. If it makes you feel more comfortable, dial *67 in front of their phone number to block your caller ID.

 
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Old 06-13-2012, 07:02 PM   #14
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Re: Ppd?

Thank you sweety.
When I gave birth they sent a nurse to come and visit me 3x out of the week just to be sure I was doing ok. This was because I have history of PPD and also because my son was hospitalized for a while due to severe jaundice and blood issues caused by my blood when I was carrying him. They were concerned about my moods because of all the trauma (I was hospitalized a lot with him and almost lost him). The nurse said everything looked good because when she asked if I was depressed, I told the truth. I told her no. Because at that time I was perfectly fine. I was too happy to have him home with me to be depressed. Nothing brought me down. And again, my depression has nothing to do with the birth of my last son. I think it's all from my 3rd son.

I have an appt for WIC on the 23rd. Maybe I'll talk to them over there.

 
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