What would you do if the AFP came back abnormal? Now while you are both busy looking that up, think about how much more you need to know. If that were the case, could you handle what that would entail?
The fact that you are going to hand over your baby to one of your mothers to look after while you go out and work or school is not right. That is not fulfilling your responsibility as a parent. Not even being pregnant yet but already planning on handing over the baby to watch is not what have a baby is about.
Someone somewhere has donated or offered money to the associations that you say you are going to use for help. Do you think it's fair to the associations for one to plan on having a have a baby because it's what "THEY" want. That's making them a crutch that one is using to lean on to support them. If one is planning on having a baby then they should be planning on having it with out the help of anyone. You do not fully understand what it takes to be parents. The mother is to care for the baby and father is work and to support the mother and child on your own. If the father is not capable of doing that yet then there should be no planning of a baby. You say that you have fully researched the whole idea of starting a family and you know what it in tales. It seems that research was done for ways to find places that will help out with the baby,or provide, and support it with necessities.
If one wants to have a baby they should do it on their own 2 feet without help relying on the support of others. That's what mothers and fathers do. All the planning before the baby is born to have an association or state or family help out just is not correct.
The associations or state are there to help out mothers who ended up pregnant by accident with no where else to go. Not for people to plan a pregnancy and use them to help them out because the mother and father WANTS to have a baby though they are not ready or fully capable of having a baby or the things that a newborn needs at this time in their life.
Last edited by FromSqueaky; 06-07-2007 at 10:29 AM.
Interesting thread. A few things went through my mind. Too long to try to digest it all, but left me with some initial thoughts. First, Iím wondering what the real motivation for writing was in the first place. Also, why are you so desperate to defend your position to complete strangers? You seem dead set on this and really seem to be trying to convince everyone you are doing the right thing and I canít get any other feeling than you want approval for it. Seems this is the wrong place for that, for total strangers to support the idea--clearly that in itself shows a degree of immaturity.
Having said that, sure there are examples of people that have children young and make it through life and in the end can say ďwe made it, see?Ē. It can be done, but you are in for a ride. Iíll say, you have thought about this, you are making an effort to think of all those things you perceive as being important and responsible but your lack of experience is evident in your logic.
No matter how well you plan this out, things will not work out the way you planned. Count on itóthat is just the way life is. You are not going to be able to control everything because you are by your own admission, planning on relying on other people. That makes you vulnerable so you should really think about that. The more self reliant you are, the better.
Sounds like you guys are gonna do what you are gonna do. Hopefully you really are as tight as you are professing. If you are, you have a chance of making it because you will have each other to get you through those tough times, and you will have them. If it becomes too much for one of you, and you donít talk and work it out every step of the way there wonít be much to keep it together. But really, you are starting out with a deficit.
I'm 29 and having my first baby in December. I cannot even comprehend how you think you will be ready to support a baby at 17--not just emotionally, but finacially.
I have my Bachelor's degree and my Master's Degree and teach at a community college. My husband has a Ph.D. and has a job as a biochemist at NASA. We are technically well-off, but even so, having this baby is a strain on our finances. I can't comprehend how a $10/hour job would be adequate to support a baby!
There are so many expenses, and I don't see why you wouldn't want to give your baby the best in life that you can offer--one of the first things my husband and I wanted to do after getting married was to get out of an apartment and into a house because we wanted to bring up our child in a nice neighborhood with plenty of room to play. I'm not saying it's bad to have a baby in an apartment, but I'm even doubtful you have your own place at all. Houses are expensive--you are looking at spending upwards of $100,000 (and that is often for a lived-in older house). And you need a car to take your baby to appointments, insurance to drive the car, carseat, crib, diapers, baby clothes. And if you get an apartment, you can look at $400-$500 dollars per month (or even more) going to rent.
I was mature for my age at 17...but in no way did I think I was ready for a baby. Even now, at 29 years old, I'm anxious about my ability to be a good mother...and you SHOULD be questioning your ability to parent because it shows that you are willing to look at yourself, your new family, and decide on what changes need to take place before and after baby comes. It doesn't sound like you are clearly evaluating the situation.
You have your blinders on when it comes to the situation versus reality. I had a situation when I was in college where I developed anorexia. I weighed 80 lb. and thought I still needed to lose weight. Now, if I posted on here that I weighed 80 lb. and needed diet tips, would you tell me it's a good idea to go on losing weight? As stupid as it sounds, I literally posted things like that on online forums and didn't want to hear when people told me I was sick and needed to get help and check into a hospital. I feel this is very similar to the situation you're in except that my situation was an actual illness and yours is just being irresponsible. And it actually turned out all those people posting who I didn't want to listen to were RIGHT! In the end, I did have a choice--to lose more weight and die or to gain weight and get my life back. You have a choice too and yours is not half so difficult as the choice I faced back then because your thinking is not addled by malnutrition (at least I'm assuming not?!).
Please, make the right choice. You have the whole rest of your lives to have children. You will be fertile for a very long time. Women easily can get pregnant up until they are 35 years old (and often older). That is over double your age! Don't you want to get married, travel, get your degrees, enjoy your freedom a bit before being tied down with a child?
as i said before, we can handle a baby, we know a lot more then you seem to think, just because were young, doesn't mean were inexperienced, your just asuming that because of our age, well i bet we have been through more this last year then you have the past 5.
Hello Allison, im glad i joined too ^___^
Have you finished school yet? Do you have a job that can support a baby? Kids are very expensive and require alot of time and effort. My advice would be to wait, why on earth would you do that to a poor child? Hind sight is always 20/20 ... and I can guarantee you will regret this at some point. HOw do you even know you will be together?? we change alot in our 20's!
as i said before, we can handle a baby, we know a lot more then you seem to think, just because were young, doesn't mean were inexperienced, your just asuming that because of our age, well i bet we have been through more this last year then you have the past 5.
Hello Allison, im glad i joined too ^___^
HA! Lets see... In the past 3 years, I have gotten married, lost my son, my father my grandmother, gave birth to my daughter, graduated high school, started college, been working and raising my daughter, had a truck blow up WHILE I WAS DRIVING IT, gotten PG again (and I am capable of supporting MY CHILDREN), I don't even want to hear about how "MATURE you are" when you came to a message board to tell strangers you can handle a baby. We don't want to hear it, we don't really care. And since your parents support the fact that you want to have a baby, without having a house job, or being married, that explains a lot about why you both think it is acceptable...
I agree with most of the posts, this is not a good idea. It is great that you want to have kids, and it's great if you have indeed found someone to share your life with, but a child should not be brought into this situation!
Even if you are extremely mature for your age, your life does not sound like it is. Are you finished school? Do you have your driver's license? Do you have a car? do you have plans for going to college etc? If you were as mature as you say you are, you would be working towards all these things first. And they are not always easy (or cheap) to accomplish. At 17, you haven't even had to deal with the reality of taking charge of your own life yet. If you had, I doubt you would be thinking this was such a great idea.
So, your boyfriend could be getting a job that pays $10 an hour? I'm sorry, that is not very much, not to support you while you are unable to work, and your child, and pay your rent, car insurance/gas/maitanance (if you even have a car), expenses, medical care, and food. You will not be able to work for quite a while, and do you think it is common for a 17 year old to have a job that pays maturnity leave?? It's not.
I understand where you are coming from, I've been with my now Husband from the time we were 17, and I've always really wanted to have a child, but be serious, 17 year olds should not be doing that by choice! I'm 22 now, and we are only just getting to the stage where I feel comfortable that we can support and be mature enough to have a baby. We went through college together, we got married, we both got stable jobs, have a place to live (we hope to buy a house in a few years). That can be the difference of just 5 years, so why not wait and give your child more, and make this easier on yourself and your family. You say your family is willing to help if it did happen, but don't MAKE it happen, no one asks for that.
You are claiming how mature you are, and I hope you prove us right. Get your life in order before you bring a child into the world that needs you to be an adult, when you are obviously not.
I doubt what we say is going to change your mind if you have made it, but please, wait a few years.
First of all what i would like Jesse and Allison to do is start from page ten and read all the way through this thread. OK? And then tell me by the way you say things that you are mature enough to handle a HUGE descion like this! I just want to tell you. Im pregnant right now. Im 21 years old, only four years older then you. I have gotten married within the last year, my husband is working full time and so am I. together we are bringing in maybe 3000 dollars a month. ok. so let me just give you a break down on our bills ok and remind you this is with out help of our parents (which if you are mature enough to have a baby and make that decision as a couple you should be mature enough to suppot you (jesse) your girlfirendand theis new baby. not have to live with parents and live off them) ok I live in Utah, and i know the prices are a bit lower then in new york.
Rent: 550 a month
Eletric bill: 50 a month
Our phone bill: 110 a month
our internet: 40 a month
HEALTH insurance: 75 dollars EVERY TWO WEEKS
Car payments: about 500 a month (for two cars)
Car insurance: 187 a month
Ok so our total for that is $1587 we are spending out in just bills. That doesnt count going to a movie or on a date or food. and also that doesnt count the little baby we have growing inside of me! that is just the two of us! My question is, is if your girlfriends mom didnt want to offer any help at all and your parents either would you still go through with this? (meaning they dont offer you money a place to live all the things you need in life to live food, health insurance, roof over your head etc ) To be honest with you i sit here and think man how are we going to pay for this? (ours was planned) but when we went to the store and were checking out how much things would cost us a month, i thought then yeah we could do this. but now im scared and nervous that we wont beable to do this. But i know just like you said about your parents they got through it becaused they loved you. I just really really wish the two of you would really think things through really well( i know you say you have but rethink things) there is plenty of time to have a baby you guys are very young, maybe you guys should give your jobs a month or so at working at them and see how much money you guys bring in. Im not saying dont do it but at the same time i am because you guys are so young enjoy life, i know you say you have been though a lot, but that doesnt make you really ready for a baby. you guys say you have no jobs and are not in school? So you got the good life sleep in till noon or one in the afternoon, but are you ready to have many sleepless nights? I go into work at 7am and get off at 6 pm and i know im not ready for sleepless nights. Well i know im not going to change your mind at all because from the sounds of you two you have made up your minds 110% what nobody says or what other people have gone through will show you guys the real world of starting a family. Allison i know you guys say you have gone through more then us in the past five years, but i just want to say one thing! I hope jesse is there for you in five years! Then by all hell you will have gone through a lot in five years, having a baby and a dead beat boyfriend i have seen it with many people who have children at young ages. I guess now is all thats left to say is good luck and i know you will need it! If you dont that baby sure will
(and by the way jesse on here sounds identical to allison so if you are going to play a joke allison maybe you should have someone else do the typing! not yourself)
i feel very sad for your situation. neither of you have thought this thru very well. yes you have done research but you dont have the experience of going thru it. you say you can do it but its much harder when you actually have to do it. and you came on here asking peoples advice and like many people have said you dont want to hear it unless its favorable to what you want to hear. and if you really read the posts, no one here supports your decision. they wish you luck, but all ask that you reconsider. should that not be hint enough? i am not trying to be a jerk but you guys really do need to think. people on here have brought up the same points and yet you are completely unwilling to listen. there are so many things you guys are not thinking about, and all of this will happen at the same time. expenses, hardship, emotional beatings, busy lives, it will be everyday for forever. as for asking for help yes that is mature but like alot of poeple said, you can avoid this situation. and the lady who got pregnant at 17 told you how hard it would be (if it isnt worse) and yet you think your prepared because you guys have babysat before? have you tried babysitting a baby (just one if you dont end up having twins or more, it happens) every second of everyday for say a few months strait? what about going out? do you think that after watching your baby all day your mother is going to be happy if you want to "go to the movie because you need a break?". and you cant always rely on your parents and friends. parents have things to do as well, they are not just there to be you personal babysitter, and even if they do watch your baby are you going to pay them? what about friends? do you trust any of your friends enough to watch your baby for hours on end? and even if you do do they want to babysit every week, everyother week? alot of teens dont even want to hang out with people who have babies, for several reasons. and you say your going to get a good job and shes going to go to college, where dose that leave time for the little one? yes you MAY be a free lance photographer and your hours will be flexable but you do still have to work, and what if you schedule conflicts with everyone elses? people on here brought up a car. you'll probably need to one for her and one for you, and even if you get an old beater, they are still not cheap, and all the beauties that go with them. oil changes, gas, little things that need fixing that you can put off, plus insurance which isnt cheap, and registration every year. also there are no garentees in life, you can plan all you want but things will change. what if you 8 months pregnant and your mom dies or is hospitalized? what will you do then? who will watch the baby? college is very expensive! i did a few years at a community college and let me tell you, for the classes alone want almost 350 (every semester) and that dosent count books and supplies and transportation, food if your there for several hours. some classes require extrra things to graduate. i took an asl class and you were required to spend at least 10 hours with the def community and you had to go to one of 3, 3 hours def events, that were in a city an hour and a half away all on saturdays. and like i said im not trying to bash you but like everyone else said im just asking you to think. also you will be busy when your kid starts going to school (you'll be about 22, prolly the youngest parents there) and they have parent teacher confrences, you'll need transport for everyday to school and back, afterschool programs/babysitting, field trips, school lunch, homework. there is just so much to think about, and so much to do to get ready. if you plan on going thru with this i do wish you the best of luck, but i will also ask you to recondider
I may have missed it somewhere but are the 2 of you planning on living together after the baby is born? Babies cry alot. There will be little to no sleep for the first few months. They can wake up every 2 hours for feedings or diaper changing. If Jesse does live with you that will cause a strain on him. At 17 you like to sleep in. Jesse being kept up all night is not going to make him a happy employee. There's always the possibility that he will be fired from showing up late or calling in sick.
If you are living at one of your parents house the 2 of you should be the ones to get up with the baby not any one else. It's your responsibility and Jesse's responsibility to provide for the baby that you have thought about and researched so much about. Not an association, church, state, family, neighbors, friends etc. YOU AND JESSE ONLY. You need to have most of the things before you have a baby that the 2 of you have saved for and bought.
$10 an hour times 40 hours a week = $400 before any taxes are taken out.
$400 a week times 52 year a year is $20,800 before any taxes are taken out.
That's considered poverty level.
If your looking for someone to say it's ok and give you their approval for having a baby I think so far it's all been NO! When I was 18 my best friend had a baby at 16 with support from her family and his. They professed to be in love and would never leave each other and only death could break them apart. The stress became so overwhelming for each of them they did not stay together. They ended up each moving back in with their own parents. They stopped seeing each other as much and eventually they went their separate ways. She was left raising the baby on her own. Her dad and his girlfriend did let her live with them but she had to go to work and raise money on her own to provide for the baby. She didn't want that so she moved in with her mother and thought she could live off agencies while she sat home all day and watched TV. She packed on the pounds and ended up cutting herself off from everyone from the embarrassment of how she looked. Never lost the weight from low self esteem. The low self esteem came from being rejected by guys when they found out she had a baby. Or the only reason the guy was with her was because they knew she had a kid and thought it would be easy to sleep with her.
She lived a really hard life and never really re cooperated from it. To this day she and her daughter live with her dad in the same house she grew up in. Last month her daughter gave birth to a girl at the age of 17. The cycle has repeated itself.
Ok, I speak from experience here also. I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when I had my daughter. I was always very mature also and thought I was ready and knew everything I could possibly know. My daughter wasn't actually planned, but we weren't trying to prevent pregnancy either. We just had the attitude, "if it happens, it happens". I'm now 22 and she will soon be 3. Her father and I did get married about a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything in this world and my husband too, we are all very happy, but at the same time it's really hard. Right now I'm trying to get through nursing school (little less than 1 year to go) and trying to focus on my studies with a 3 year old running around is NOT easy. Also, financially we are making it, but money is really tight. I just hope you both know how hard this is going to be. Now, when I look back on my life I think of how much better things probably would have been if we had waited, got married, and I had finished school first. Also, another thing you need to be prepared for is absolutely NO time to yourselves. That is something I miss at times. Me and my husband used to go out and do alot of fun stuff together and we used to really enjoy our "alone" time. Be prepared to say goodbye to that .That is what puts alot of strain on a relationship after a couple has a baby. Your relationship has to be strong enough to survive that, and as parents me and my husband have definently had our rough times. I know you have both thought about it alot and talked about it and have pretty much made up your minds. I'm just asking you to take a long, hard look at your lives, and your relationship, because having a baby will change EVERYTHING. Parenting is usually harder than most people anticipate, and one thing it is not, is easy. Anyway, I now have to try to get my daughter to take her nap (which can be a struggle) so I can study. Just please ask yourselves...Is this the life you really want?
ok some of you make very good points, most based on your own mistakes, or experiences in some way, but like i said before you all dont know us, you dont know how much research we have done, you dont know all the knowledge we have been told by our parents, and you dont know our plans, Allison put this post up here because she wanted to tell someone about what we decided (after a long talk mind you) and we wanted to wait until we knew more and had more plans before telling our parents, and for the people out there that are calling us immature and all that, really shouldnt go by the way we make our post, we are used to talking online with teens, so thats how we react, but we have more maturity then you give us credit for, would it help if i told you all our plan, if so here it is, for one, she isn't pregnant yet, we plan to have decent jobs, and live together, and once we have the baby, we have programs, and connections that will help us, and they dont use the tax payers money, and then when the baby comes, our parents will help watch her/him until Allison has her degree in collage, then once she gets a job good enough to pay for what we need, and then i can be more of a stay at home parent, because i will be a free lance photographer, and you dont have set hours, and so everyone knows, asking for help is a sign of maturity, trust me, we have done all the research, and we have both taken care of babies before, so we have experience with taking care of babies, so i would like it if people would stop calling us immature when you dont know us, or the experience's we have been through, and thank you Kiki89, and yes we are ready for all this, we know the different pains and problems (part of the research we did) and we are ready for it, im going to take care of her while she is going through it, dont worry people, we have plans and we have prepared for this, we didnt just make the decision on a whim, and we will take good care of our baby, and once he/she is born, we will tell you how hard it is, but we are still doing good, and the baby is fine, thank you everyone who posted GOOD advice, and to the others who just judged and criticized us, im sorry you feel that way.
LOL, I have been reading this entire post through (please don't ask why, I was bored I guess) and I have to laugh. I have 3 children and I am 29 years old. My husband makes approx $80,000 a year and we are living paycheck to paycheck. We don't buy ANYTHING for ourselves for the most part and live modestly. I get hand me downs from friends and we don't go out much on dates. Trying to work at home with a baby doesn't always work out so well. Have you ever tried talking to a client on the phone with a 2 year old screaming in the backround because they want a drink??? You say you really don't care about others' opinions, but you continue to respond to these posts. You need to make the decision for yourselves. Not matter what anyone here says, (and most of us speak from experience) you aren't going to listen. It's great that you have help from your parents, but a real sign of maturity is standing on your own two feet and supporting yourselves, not relying on others to pay your bills and watch your kids. I don't understand why you would have a child until you are financially ready to support one in every way.
OH my goodness! LOL...you have got to be kidding me!!?? I really hope this thread was made just to get people going because it is just sad.Hard to believe this day and age two 17 yr olds with little education and still livng off mommy and daddy even THINK its a good idea to bring a child into this world.$10 bucks an hr is "good" ????? no its not,not by today's standard's dears.I am 32 yrs old my husband is 41 and let me tell you as someone else stated already thing's NEVER go just as we plan them and THEY DONT! You can and should always count on some things not working out as planned and you have to be responsible and mature enough to be ready for and handle those things as they happen.I can deffinitely say that at 17 yrs old and depending on your parents you are NOT responsible and mature enough.Just being married or just living together is tough work at times so add a child into that and it's even tougher."MOMMYYYY MOMMMYYYYY WHAAAAAHAHAHA I WANT I WANT ........DADDYYYYYYYY DADDDDDDDDY I WANT I WANT" lol EXPECT IT and other screaming and crying spells no matter how tired or how much the two of you just want some time alone or how late you are for your schooling or jobs.
I want to add I think it immature and so wrong of the two of you to think it is ok to dump your child into your parents laps to watch. I do believe if you do have a child this young the child will more then likely be in your parent's care more then your own.How is that fare to your parent's? That means you'd be wrecking any plans they may have had to just kick back and relax in their older years which they deserve.Instead theyd be strapped down with their grandchild that the two of you just HAD TO HAVE before you were stable enough to do most of the work on your own.I just find that WRONG...I hope the two of you have changed your minds and if not please re-think
Last edited by tnmomofive; 06-14-2007 at 07:59 PM.
I hope that $10 an hour job comes with really good Healthcare. Oh wait! $10.00 jobs don't usually come with healthcare. Do you know that with no complications, a birth usually costs at least $5000.00? That doesn't include pre natal care. If you have ANYTHING of concern going on during your pregnancy, you can be forking out money for things like Ultrasounds that cost about $500.00 each if not covered by your policy. Does your mom have that kind of money? I remember you saying somewhere in the post about your mom helping to pay for the care. All that money and they haven't even been born yet!!!!
Finnaly we have plans and ways of paying for the baby, and we will live with her mother until we find our own place at 18.
Freakymom you said you are turing 17 in a few days and Jesse said that 18 you'll be moving out and into an apartment with him. If you get pregnant at say a month or 2 from now when your baby is born you will be 18 in a month or 2 after that. If you plan on using the state to help you with your rent, bills and health care that will be for your and your child only not Jesse too.
Jesse said that he was going to get a GED and get a better job paying more money than $10 an hour. According to his words he does not have the job yet.
i might even get a job that pays $10 an hour, now thats good. [QUOTE]
Good luck on getting that job for more than $10.00/hour. Nowadays you need a college education or very good work experience to get a higher paying job. And that job doesn't always come with good healthcare or any healthcare.
im 19 and im pregnant with triplets yeh i know shocker! and it wasnt even planned and believe me babies cost ALOT! alright ive got 3 inside me but there not even into the world yet and there already costing a bomb! you have to think about this im not going to say its a bad idea because you may end up to be great parents but think about it.and 10 an hour isnt going to get you anyway.i know how it feels to want a baby because i had a m/c a year ago and it hurts like hell emotionally nore than physically.you really need to think about the whole money subject because thats a big issue! i cant really tell you what to do about the money thing because this might sound snobby and i really dont mean it too its just to let you knwo how im handling my boyfriend is the owner of 2 restaurants so we dont have to worry about it but you guys will have to.im here if you need to know anything but honestly just think about it before jumpin®g in.good luck guys x
I understand where yall are coming from i am younger than you and i had a planned pregnancy and now i wish i would of waited! Ya my baby is so cute but i would do anything for a good nights sleep! Ya my boyfriend is there but we dont live together so while he is sleeping i am up 2-3 times a night! I dont know if yall live together but if not while one of yall is up and the other is sleep it gets kinda old him/her being in a good mood and you being in a bad one it has an effect on your realationship! Exspecialy if yall are used to getting eachothers full attention. Ya will be giving the baby yall FULL attention pretty much 24/7 or when you dont have it! I am not trying to tell yall what to do but i think yall should really think about it!
I'm twenty-one, 27 weeks pregnant, married. Happily, I'll note. And very, very happy to be expecting a baby! However, this thread makes me wish that people'd write a nice, long book for girls who are under 20 and wanting to get pregnant. Not as a negative, per se, but as facts and help for young women who want to start a family. This book would include a huge wake-up call for most of them.
My baby was unplanned. However, most definitely welcome. Howevever, I will say that being pregnant has been a good deal different than I expected. I have not had a single day where I have been able to keep food down. Lifting things is impossible on any level. Can't bend over. The temperature always feels 10 degrees warmer than it is. Caffiene, snack food? Forget it - they're not good for the kid, and can make you royally ill. And on top of this, I still work a full time job because baby supplies are incredibly expensive - not to mention insurance, the price of the birth (can be over $20,000), numerous doctors visits and medical tests (which are currently averaging me over $4,500 a whack), a more appropriate family vehicle, childcare costs (daycare where I live, Delaware, averages a bit over three hundred dollars a week. Even if you have family or friends who can help you out, you can't always rely on them and will eventually have to consider alternatives.). Unless you have ten or fifteen thousand dollars in the bank, then you're definitely not ready to have a baby - your family certainly won't foot the bill, and even though (quite possibly SINCE you're under eighteen), neither will the government unless you meet extremely stringent guidelines which will probably require you to either enter into a government-assisted living program or a school-to-work program, both of which would remove you from your family.
Also consider what will happen after the baby is born. The father can't live with you legally. Where will YOU live? What part will the father play in the baby's life? That baby is going to need to be fed once every hour to two hours to start off with, and you're still going to be working that full time job and probably fishing for other money to pay for diapers, formula, clothes and all the other baby goodies out there.
To me, having a child is not a question of age. I have known people who are mature enough to have a child at seventeen. However, money can be a very large factor, as is physical capability. If you can't work a forty-plus hour a week job on less than two hours of sleep a night, my advice would be to wait until you and your partner are at least old enough to recieve independent government support and live together.