My wife and I just found out our 19 yr old (college sophomore) daughter is pregnant. She's been going with the same guy for 2 years (he is 21). My wife is handling this much better than me. On the outside, I am also being supportive, but on the inside this is tearing me up. I realize they are in for some very difficult years and it hurts so bad to know that they are in for a difficult stage in their young lives. I realize my daughter made a decision and now must live with it, but I find myself consumed with worry around the uncertainty for the future. I would appreciate any constructive advice on how to stop the incessant worrying. Thank you
Last edited by kpms99; 09-26-2011 at 04:32 PM.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: kpms99 slenderella (09-26-2011), writeleft (09-26-2011)
I am very impressed that you are reaching out for support in this very difficult time in your life. The fact that you can recognize your deep feelings of concern and fear for your daughters future is both commendable and honest. We need more dads who are willing to expose their vulnerability, making them that much easier to share those concerns and love with your daughter, when she needs her dad the most.
Let us take a quick look into our parents and grandparents times, when becoming a mother at 20 was perfectly normal. While we do have birth control these days that is quite effective, the miracle of life does not always follow the restraints of medical inventions. I am the mother of two children, now 17 and 27, who neither chose to come into this world following my careful plan. While at the time of both of their conceptions, I did not think I was "ready" that amazing power of my animal instincts rose to the surface, and that is what those 9 months of gestation is perfect for. It is the perfect time for everyone involved to accept and anticipate the miracle of birth.
Have you discussed her choices with her thoroughly? I would not insist on marriage just for the sake of the birth, as that is another story. Are you and your wife physically capable of helping with the baby so your daughter can continue her education? Does she live with you? Is the father a good guy who loves your daughter, and she him? Are you financially healthy enough to sustain the additional costs of helping her through the first year or so? Do you love babies?
When I announced to my parents that I was pregnant with my first child at the age of 24, my mothers first words were, "this is the worst day of my life". That scarred me till this day, although she just passed away last Tuesday, and would later eat her words, as that child is the light of all out lives, and life without him would be empty.
Speak to your daughter about your fears, and your concerns, as only a parent knows what that means to devote yourself to another without hesitation. It is only after we become parents do we truly understand and appreciate what our parents have done for us, and that bond can be as deep as the ocean. If your daughter is a responsible level headed woman, she will eat up your words of encouragement and support. Share you feelings openly with your daughter, and she will both respect and confide in you for ever. Show her disappointment or disgust, and she will loose the edge she needs to both survive and thrive as a mother.
As a daughter, my daddy's thoughts of me shaped my thoughts of myself, and you have so much power to make her or break her, I know you will do what is right and best for your family. Please keep me informed, I am behind you all the way.
The Following User Says Thank You to writeleft For This Useful Post: kpms99 (09-27-2011)
Hi, I found myself pregnant aged just 20yrs old in 1967.
The pill wasn't around then and I was one of those whose thought was (it wont happen to me).. but it did.
I was scared out of my mind to tell my parents but I had to. They were so cross at the time and I was as good as told (You made your bed ect ect..).
My then boyfriend (now husband) had no money and borrowed £10 off his mate and we got wed (registry office), my parents never came to my wedding!!..
It made no difference, I never stopped loving them and I know they loved me regardless,they were just so hurt.
I was determined to show my parents I would make a go of my marriage and on the 9th Sept this year my husband and I celebrated 45 yrs happy ones.
When my parents saw our beautiful son and held him for the first time, all doubts vanished and they became wonderful Grandparents.
Sadly they have been gone a good few yrs now, but their love for there Grandchild and for me their daughter was unconditional.
Be happy for your daughter and await this dear child with hope both for its future and your daughters.
I hope my story will show you that with Love and Hope there is a future for all of us.
Wishing you all the best, Solofelix.
The Following User Says Thank You to solofelix For This Useful Post: kpms99 (09-27-2011)
I am very sorry to hear about your mother's passing. As far as the questions you raise: We will not put any pressure on her to marry and yes, she is with a responsible guy. They will be moving back to the area where we live and we do plan to help them to get on their feet. I've been telling her that she needs to finish her education and she definitely understands that has to be a priority once they are settled in with the baby. In all likelihood, they will be living in an apartment close by. She (and he) are getting nothing but encouragement and support from us, but inside I am very scared for them and I guess us (rest of family) as well.
In the mean time, I have to figure out how to accept this and not stress out about what others may think. I need to accept this and not let it distract me from my responsibilities at work.
Solofelix, thank you for sharing your story with me. As upset as I was to hear the news she was pregnant, I knew that it would not be helpful to express anger or disappointment with her. I have been honest with her (as my wife has) in telling her she needs to prepare for significant change in her life. We will be there to help as much as we possibly can.
By the way, congratulations on 45 years together! That truly is a feat !
Hi Kpms99, it's the fear of the unknown. Will the baby be alright, what about school for daughter to finish, the ecomony, will I be a wonderful papa, boy or girl, wedding down the road? Millions of thoughts going thru your head. You only want the best for you daughter. As she grows(emontionally) with the baby and you will see your daughter thru different eyes. She is all grown up...in an instant.Then the baby arrives and you see that pure happiness and love on her face. The same look of love you must have had when you held your daughter for the first time. This is where you say "I did good, I raised her and now she is a wonderful woman and a mother. Now all I have to worry about is changing poo poo diapers!!! UGH!!
The Following User Says Thank You to dee088 For This Useful Post: kpms99 (09-27-2011)
An update: my daughter is now at around 28 weeks. While I still sometimes worry (don't all parents?!) much of my & my wife's energy is spent on helping her and her fiance get ready for the birth of their son. She is in an apartment close by and still taking classes. Thank you to those people who commented on my original post. It really did help me organize my thoughts and look at this differently. And to those young women who are struggling with an unplanned pregnancy: each situation is different and what works for one person may not work for another. But my advice is talk to someone. If you have a relationship with your parents, you may be surprised to find out that it's not so much anger, but fear that is driving their response. If talking with your parents is not an option, there are other methods of getting help/emotional support. (social services, a church, birthchoice, etc.). Anyway, that's it for now. Wishing you all the best in 2012!
Congratulations to you all.
Wonderful news, I just know you will be super Grandparents just like my parents were with my son all those years ago 44 yrs (yesterday). "Goodness me!... how my baby has grown.
Best wishes to all and love to the baby.
The Following User Says Thank You to solofelix For This Useful Post: kpms99 (04-07-2012)