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Old 08-24-2004, 12:55 PM   #1
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Angry Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

I am so frustrated right now. I'm not late yet, but am hoping to get the BFP in a few days or so. My friend who is with a guy who is less than satisfactory (pedophile) for any child just found out she's pg. Is it mean to think someone doesn't deserve to be pg? She is waaaayyy overweight, drinks, smokes, and will eat whatever the heck she wants whenever she wants it whether it's healthy for the baby or not. My dh and I want a baby so bad, and we are prepared for it financially, mentally, physically, and emotionally, that I'm afraid if it doesn't happen this month that we will have trouble being nice to this girl. We each have a child from previous relationships and are ready to have our own. That being said, we DO NOT allow this man into our home, so our friendship has been affected already. I'm afraid that if we are not pg, that whatever small strand of friendship we have will break. Has anyone ever experienced something like this?

Nicole
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Old 08-24-2004, 02:15 PM   #2
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

I don't know if it is morally right to think someone doesn't deserve it, but I think it is common for people to think this way.

My BIL's BIL (does that make sense?) just got into trouble with an EBAY scandal and will probably see some jail time and face some serious fines. His wife who is overweight and lazy is pregnant again. They already have triple girls. My SIL thinks she got pregnant to avoid having to go to work. From what I understand, the girls' grandmother buys them clothes and does their laundry because thier mother is too lazy.

I went through this with my best friend. She got pregnant at 19. She was not ready for a baby, she was way to imature. She miscarried and instead of waiting until she was ready, they decided to get pregnant again. She is now living with her parents who pretty much raises her son because she goes to school and works. The father is a low-life who doesn't pay child support, just filed for bankruptcy, but pays for things for his g/f daughter. I also heard that on her days off rather than spend time with her son, my friend goes out and parties. She said that is the only time she can go out.

I know there are so many people out ther trying to have children and then thier are people who don't need them having them.

I know how you feel.

 
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Old 08-24-2004, 05:14 PM   #3
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

You know I understand what you mean. I was very upset because I couldn't get pregnant like I wanted to and all these girls who i thought weren't fit for the job, got pregnant. But, I realized, who am I to make that discision. I became happy for them, despite what I felt. Then months later, i became pregnant. Just be happy, for these people, even though you don't agree with the situation. God allowed them to be pregnant for a reason. And dispite any case, it is a blessing.

 
Old 08-25-2004, 09:34 AM   #4
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

I guess I don't understand why you are friends with this person if she is so bad. It seems as though you have plenty of reasons to cut your ties with her that have nothing to do with pregnancy. I felt like that a little when I was TTC. I kept thinking "well she got pregnant and doesn't even want to be, so why is so hard for people that want to be to get pregnant" but I knew that I was just being jealous that they had something that I wanted. So, I stopped thinking that way and returned to my usual thought that everything happens for a reason. I have know people that haven't chosen the best life paths but have turned out to stop the bad when they got pregnant and be very good moms, and I have known people that everyone around them would have thought they would be great moms and very responsible and they have been exactly the opposite. You never know how it is going to work out in the end. But if you don't like this person, don't associate with her regardless of her being pregnant.

 
Old 08-25-2004, 09:44 AM   #5
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

I agree with walflower...why are you friends with this woman? it sounds as if you have totaly different values and lifestyles. That being said, i wouldn't worry about what effect this has on your friendship, it is quite normal to be jealous, resentful etc when a friend or family memeber gets pregnant before you do, also because your friend probably won't make the best mother it just makes those feelings stronger.
That being said, is this man really a pedophile? if so i suggest that cps or someone be called once this baby is born, some may not agree with that, telling before he does anything, but if he is one he needs to be kept away from this child, and if the mother won't keep her baby safe than there is something seriously wrong with her.

 
Old 08-25-2004, 11:21 AM   #6
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

I just wanted to say what I think about this situation. Just because your overweight or smoke doesn’t mean that these people don’t deserve children. I am overweight and I smoke. I got pregnant right before I turned 19 and quit smoking. I had been married for almost a year. I was about 20lbs overweight then. I did everything a “pregnant woman” is suppose to do. I went to my appointments on time and took all my prenatal vitamins. Well, at 7 months I went for a gender ultrasound and my DR gave me the most devastating news of my life. My baby’s heart had quit beating. I lost my precious little girl at 7 months. While pregnant with her I gained quite a bit of weight that after I lost her wasn’t concerned with losing because I was so depressed. I started smoking the day I found out I lost my little girl. I then got pregnant again at 22 with my son. I was so scared something was going to happen I never accepted the fact that I was pregnant therefore I never quit smoking plus I had all that extra weight. My son was born March 14, 2003. It was by far the best day of my life. I am a wonderful mother and everyone around me will tell you the same thing. I still smoke and I am still overweight. I am now pregnant again. I cut back on smoking this time and I am very proud of that. I just don’t want people to think that just because you are overweight or smoke that you don’t deserve to have children. I do not smoke around my son and will not let him be around anyone who is smoking.

Now, as far as feeling anger toward others for being pregnant. I was the same way after I lost my little girl. To hear about the things people would do to their children and to have people you know are better off without children is horrible. I had a very hard time dealing with people like that. After being mad at a friend of mind (secretly of course) for being pregnant and she lost her baby at full term and had to go thru the same thing I had with my little girl I realized really quick it was not my place to say people shouldn’t have children. I didn’t think she was ready for a child but there is no way I would have wished something like that on her. Please try not to be angry at people who are expecting. I feel you are just hurting yourself in the long run. I will keep you in my prayers. AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF BABY DUST TO YOU!!!!

Please don't think I am being rude. I just don't want you to feel bad if something was to happen to your friends baby. I know how guilty I felt and it was horrible!!

 
Old 08-25-2004, 11:22 AM   #7
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

My thoughts exactly Mandy Anne! It sounds like you want to be friends with her maybe because you feel sorry for her and the situation she is in (aside from the pregnancy) but rarely does it provide a fullfilling relationship. I would let the relationship fizzle but if you are still around I would report him to the police if that hasn't been done already. Best of Luck with TTC!

 
Old 08-25-2004, 02:51 PM   #8
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

When I was pregnant in MArch, we were moving into a new house. Right before we moved in, dh and I went for one last walk through. As we looked out the second story window, we saw a very young, very pregnant woman walk out front, sit down and light a cigarette. Dh made some cutting comment, and I said to him something like "don't judge her. You don't know her story. Maybe she used to smoke two packs a day and she has cut back to just one cigarette every other day. You don't know her story and you don't know what she goes through."

The day we moved, I miscarried, and still every day, I watched my neighbor sit on her driveway and have a cigarette every afternoon. After my loss, I felt free to secretly judge her all I wanted. The truth is, we never really know what anyone else is going through. Maybe my neighbor's situation was just like Nutshell's. OR maybe her husband had just died. Maybe she lost her whole family in the World Trade Center tragedy. I secretly resented her, and every other pregnant woman, and wondered why they got to keep their babies when I was clearly "more deserving." But I didn't really mean it. Even then I knew that's not really how things work.

I guess I'm saying that I think your pain entitles you to your resentment, but only secretly. I think it's not fair to judge someone for their choices during pregnancy (or any other time in their lives) because we never really know the whole story behind their decisions. I know where you're coming from with the resentment, but I think it's only fair if you don't express it to the object of your resentment.
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Old 08-25-2004, 04:20 PM   #9
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

Ok, first of all, thank you for your replies. I want to clear up a few things here.

1. I would NEVER tell someone that they don't deserve a child. Shoot, people probably felt the same way about me when I was expecting my son.

2. I have had a m/c and know the heartache, so my heart goes out to all of you that have lost babies .

3. I have been friends w/ her for almost 3 years, regardless of her lifestyle. It's her life, let her live it how she wants to. That being said, she is in charge of a NEW life that doesn't deserve to be poisoned by nicotine and alcohol.

4. She is WAYYY overweight, like 350 lbs. That alone isn't a reason for someone not to deserve a baby, and I totally realize that. I'm not the thinnest person on earth.

5. I smoked when I found out I was pg with my son and quit the second the results came back +. I smoke now and will do the same with this one. There are people that think if I am trying to get pg, why smoke? The answer is I'm not pg, and until I am, I'm not ready to quit.

6. The man really IS a pedophile, been in jail 2x for it and is already on the registry list. He gave her a really big song and dance about how it wasn't his fault b/c the girl lied about her age. Maybe I'm wrong, but a 22 y/o should know the difference between a 12 y/o and a 17 y/o's body. Some do develop early and I realize this.

7. I did feel a little attacked by most of you , but thank you for the baby dust .

8. I will not give up our friendship b/c of her lifestyle...I think I already mentioned this. She is a good friend to me and my family, but it hurts me to see her pg and know how much the baby has against it. Maybe she will change her ways, and I hope to God for her sake and the new one's that she does. I think people always have the potential for change and the potential to better themselves, and I am willing to give them the chance (unless they particularly like little girls).

9. I probably should have posted in the infertility board, as they might understand me better and wouldn't have made me feel judged for being sad about this.

10. This post probably sounds like I am an angry, bitter person, but I'm not . I am actually a very nice person who cares alot about people, whether I know them or not.

I hope that this didn't come off wrong, and thank you all for your posts.

Nicole
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Isaiah 5/21/99
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost

 
Old 08-25-2004, 04:43 PM   #10
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

I have been thinking about this thread since I posted last (not too long ago), and I am so upset right now. I almost could cry. I'm sorry if I over reacted to anyone's post, either I'm extremely hormonal from AF coming on Sat , or I am going to be getting a BFP this weekend .

I did bring this on myself, however, by asking a dumb question like "is it bad to think someone doesn't deserve to be pg" or whatever the heck I said. I should have kept this to myself and not told anyone (except dh, cuz he just lets things like this go). I did think, though, that these boards were for people to vent and say silly things and get them off of their chests. I was just wondering if anyone had ever been in this situation.

Again, my sincerest apologies to anyone that I offended with my previous post.

Baby dust and hugs to all.

Nicole
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Old 08-25-2004, 05:26 PM   #11
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

Im definately not attacking you, because I can see both sides of the issue. Im a mom, two daughters, i think Im a good mom but neither of my pregnancies was planned. Im married (to the father of the second) and love my husband dearly, and we were (whoops!) 3 months pregnant when we tied the knot. There is a part of me that would love to have another baby. It would be my first PLANNED pregnancy, but now, each time i get pregnant, I lose the baby. One miscarriage at 4 months (devastated but not at the time totally thrilled to be pregnant) one at about 6 weeks, and another just this week. I did manage to quit smoking with my first pregnancy, and though I started back up after I had my first daughter, I quit again when she was 3 and told me she didnt like it. I havent smoked since. Sometimes I think I deserve the miscarriages. I was irresponsible with my ability to reproduce, and now that I want to have a baby the right way, totally planned, I cant. I cry alot. Im giving up on this though. It is affecting my health, and i need to be there for my girls. I have endo, had chronic uterine infections with my late miscarriage (that one was awful-6 hours of labor to deliver a baby boy who was too small to survive-7 inches long) and pelvic congestion. Ive been through a couple of doctors and had surgery, but im a mess, and I think I should just focus on getting better and love my girls. im hormonal and weepy right now, as I just thought maybe this time Id stay preggers and 2 days ago started the bleeding and cramping. Physically the early miscarriages are no big deal-emotionally its a whole different story. Im so sad. Im 28 and I give up. I dont want to have to go through this again. I think I just need to stay on birth control and take care of me and then probably get my tubes tied. I dont have trouble getting pregnant-just staying that way. Id rather be infertile-I feel like my babies are being ripped from my arms. Argh. forget it. Im gonna kiss my 2 year old good night and carry her up to bed... Oh yeah, and did i mention, when I was very young, I had an abortion, oh wait, make that two. I cannot judge, not even in secret, but i do reserve the right to mourn. Had I know what being a mother would really be like, I would have embraced every child given to me. It is amazing, and it keeps me going.

 
Old 08-25-2004, 05:52 PM   #12
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

I am so so so sorry for all of your losses. I know how horrible one is, I can't imagine that many. The psychological stress it must cause you. You poor thing! I am happy that you want to just be there for your kids. Maybe take some time out, be on the pill and destress and it will happen. I am 27 and my m/c was an unplanned (but wanted) pg, and my son wasn't planned or wanted at the time. I LOVE him more than the air I breathe, so I know what you are saying! Good Luck and lots of prayers and wishes and thoughts.

I'm so sorry!

Nicole
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Old 08-25-2004, 06:02 PM   #13
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

Dear Mommy2Isiah,

I'm glad you asked the question. I am also very frustrated when I see women who (in my opinion) should not be having babies but do, and i can't seem to. I'm sure many women (and men) who are TTC have felt that way. I have had to come to the realization that if I don't look at my feelings honestly and instead stuff them down, they just fester and get worse. Only by allowing myself the freedom to experience those feelings am I able to get to the bottom of them. Part of me is very angry that we are having such a hard time. I try not to let it bother me most of the time, but then it comes out in funny ways. I get angry about pg women who smoke or drink, for example. I get angry about the women on welfare who I see every day through my job who have 5,6,7 children with different fathers and who live like slobs(I have seen it first hand). But what I'm really angry about is the fact that we can't, not that they can. The reality is that I have been blessed in many ways throughout my live that others haven't. I have a wonderful family, wonderful husband, deep faith and many opportunities.
The women I just wrote about may not have had those things in their lives. Every time I get angry with them i try to remember that they are just trying to make a go of it like the rest of us.

I wish I was a bigger person who never had dark thoughts, but it isn't so. Be easier on your self and loving to your friend. Those are the only solutions I know of, good luck!

 
Old 08-25-2004, 06:54 PM   #14
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

Yeah, i have the most amazing daughters. And the greatest husband you could ask for. I wouldnt trade what i have right now for the world, so if I am only stuck with what I already have, how can I complain. Dont feel sorry for me, I have more than alot of people will ever have...

 
Old 08-25-2004, 08:15 PM   #15
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Re: Frustrated!!!!! Aaahhhhh!!!!!

I guess I don't feel sorry for you for that reason. I just know how you feel. Not quite at the magnitude you do, but to an extent. You are blessed with what you have, for sure!

Nicole
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