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Old 08-27-2004, 07:43 PM   #1
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Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

Hey All!!

About a month ago I learned that I am going to be a father. It wasn't something my girlfriend & I were planning, but we do both consider it to be a blessing none the less. Upon hearing the news we both took it well, and knew how were going to handle the situation, and were genuinely happy.

2 weeks later til present day everything has seemed to fall apart. Only maybe a day or two a week at the most where everything seems "normal". My girlfriend has become totally irrational, flying off the handle about anything & everything constantly, she says she doesn't care about the plan we had in place anymore, treating me not in the nicest ways, going as far to say that we should break up, and other things of a smiliar nature. To say in the least, it's not been very easy to deal with. She blames it on hormones, but can it really all be attributed to that? I have been very supportive to her ever since we found out that we were going to be having a baby. I have tried to learn as much about a woman being pregnant and the whole process. I am trying to be as active in it all as humanly possible. In what is already a stressful situation, all of her beahviour is making it 100 times more. I feel as if us having a baby should have brought us even closer than we were, but it feels as if in some way it has driven a wedge between us.

Is there anything I can do? Is this just part of a phase for a pregnant woman? Will she come out of it? I know she is scared & all, and so am I, but I don't think being at odds more often than not is helping anybody.

Any advice or thoughts would be very helpful.

Thanks,

Brutus Branyon

 
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Old 08-27-2004, 08:40 PM   #2
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

Oh darlin',yes it can be all blamed on the hormones and her being scared which just makes things worse. There are many books out there that can help you in understanding a little bit of what we go through when we are pregnant. Some women(like me) are lucky and dont have drastic mood swings while pregnant while other women can seem like they have gone totally insane.
Your best bet is to read as many pregnancy books as you can get your hands on. A good one that my Dh even liked was What To Expect When You Are Expecting. You can go to your local bookstore and look in the pregnancy section. There are some even written by men to let you know you arent alone. You can also talk to her doctor about your concerns and he/she should be willing to listen to you. That is if you go to her appointments.

She might come out of the then again you might have to deal with this the whole time she is pregnant.
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Old 08-27-2004, 09:34 PM   #3
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

Hormones! SHEESH!! Some women can be downright CRAZY (in their own little pregnant way ) I remember coming out of my room and hearing my mom on the phone telling my sister to watch out, "don't look at her wrong, don't say the wrong thing, don't even look like you are THINKING the wrong thing". I honestly didn't think my hormones were that bad until I heard my mom say that. Then, I was an emotional mess, crying, saying I was sorry, and I would do better, then my brother walking in and interrupting me and flying off the handle at him RIGHT AFTER I WAS SAYING SORRY FOR THAT!!

Then there was one time right around Thanksgiving, I was about 3-4 months pg, and I was making cornbread and I started crying about something, still don't know what, and watching my tears go into the mix. Then I was mad that I was crying, so I threw THE WHOLE BOWL IN THE TRASH and went to my room sobbing. I don't know why....

So, to answer your questions about hormones....YES they can make the most rational person very irrational! I promise that it will eventually go away....someday......hopefully....

Nicole
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Old 08-29-2004, 11:13 AM   #4
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

I agree with the advice already given in that hormones are probably very much the cause of her behavior. To take it one step further, though, since she is not married and pregnant, that adds to her stress level and insecurity. I'm not suggesting that you get married just to see if it makes things better, but it may help you understand a little more where she is coming from. I was in that situation with my first child (she is 9 1/2 years old now). Not being married or at least engaged and taking steps toward marriage made my pregnancy a whole lot more emotional. When we got engaged, things got better for us. Just something to think about.

 
Old 08-29-2004, 07:44 PM   #5
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

Hun....hate to say it....but it is just part of being pregnant. I feel really bad for you. I do.....I feel bad for anyone around me these days. Cause the smallest, stupidest thing just sets me off.

All I can say is just TRY to be patient. I know it is hard. But when a woman is pregnant, all kinds of hormones just start freaking out all at once. It's like a case of PMS to the 10th power.

Just think before you talk.

 
Old 08-29-2004, 09:53 PM   #6
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

it really is just the hormones...they serge MAJOR when a woman becomes preg.
as a rule do not take anything hurtful she says to heart right now, just know that she doesnt mean it (she may even think she does but again it is just the hormones talking and not her) this will get better, i just went through all this and believe me things will settle down and be better just give her time.

i am sorry that you have to deal with this if that helps any...lol..i know preg. women can be a trip....i was one not to long ago...one minuite your crying the next your screaming then you find yourself laughing hysterically.....lol

things may settle down when she is about 12 weeks along....(that is really soon i bet)
congrats and good luck
*try to stick it out with her, you wont regret it in the end*
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Old 08-30-2004, 02:17 AM   #7
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

Thanks to everyone for their input, I appreciate it.

I hope you are all right when you say it is hormones & it will get better as the pregnancy goes on. I just really hate being made to feel the way I am right now, it adds to the stress I already am feeling about being a father for the first time. I won't abandon her because of this, and will continue to put up with it & try not to take it to heart, but I pray that it will hit a point where things go back to "normal" again, if not it's going to be a LONG 9 months.

Brutus Branyon

 
Old 08-30-2004, 06:25 AM   #8
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

OMG yes hormones totally do all that! I know its hard on you, but its also really really hard for her, just remember that. To be that emotional and also dealing with having a child, and I would bet not being married is stressful too- all of that is scary. Try to be there for her as much as you can. Try to understand that her body is going through major changes, and moodiness and freaking out are a part of that sometimes. I was the same way. I cried alot. I went through phases. I had a day for no reason I thought my baby was dead. My husband came home from work, asked me about baby names, and I just started bawling. I had days where I cried just cause i was tired. The physical issues alone can be alot to deal with, back pain, cramps, nausea, insomnia, the list goes on and on. BE THERE FOR HER. I cant stress that enough. I know you are going through it too, but this is one of the hardest things she will ever do. Try to understand, and try not to blow up at her. I hope you can handle this. She is vulnerable right now and needs your support.

 
Old 08-30-2004, 08:14 AM   #9
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

i do agree that hormones has A LOT to do with it, but not totally. regardless of my emotions, i try to be respectful of my husband. i also try to tell myself that my hormones have taken over in certain situations (like my husband says he did the dishes only to find that he put HIS dish in the dish washer and left all the other crap all over the place) in this case i want to grab him by his ear and drag him over to all the mess and make him do what i consider a good job. now, had i actually done this, we might have some problems. i let it go until later and say "hun, we need to be more clear on what you mean by doing the dishes" now i will admitt that i feel like he is another child most of the time and i will play things out in my head of what i want to say to him given the boost from my hormones....but i think because i have already had a baby, i can recognize when my hormones are trying to talk for me and when i am justifiably (sp?) upset.

i don't think that every man should roll over and give to every whim, emotion or hormone of a pregnant woman. i think that although she is scared and aprehensive because this is all new, you both need to learn how to deal with this new stage together.... you sound like you will do anything to make this pregnancy a happy time, which is great. perhaps you are seeing some deep seated fears coming to the surface that need to be dealt with. i think that she nees to realize that you are on her side and by fighting with you is causing some serious instability for the future. what is going to happen when your new baby is up all night because it's gassy, or has a cold. what happens when you are both so tired that you can't see straight and someone has to go to the store for baby stuff? or when it poops all over the couch because the diaper slipped? what is going to happen when your baby won't stop crying and you both are on your last nerve? what if she gets post partum depression? i don't want to stir the pot, but this is the easy part! just as your pg girlfriend is growing your baby everyday, you both need to be building your relationship. it can not/will not survive on the hope that it will all "get better" when her hormones caln down.

having a baby changes a couples relationship forever---- she is not number one, and you are not either. you both need to embrace this fact NOW and work on a relationship as expecting parents rather than sweat the small stuff. hope this helps....i feel like i just ramble sometimes.
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Old 08-31-2004, 07:06 AM   #10
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

She might also be feeling very overwhelmed by what is happeneing and she is very scared and does not know what to do.. she could be angry with herself and not know it. Yes, hormones will do these wild things (never did to me), but if things get really bad, try seeing a councellor to help her work things out.
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Old 08-31-2004, 09:21 PM   #11
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

Thanks for your input Hillaryb, Nyxin & Happymom2b. Everyone of you have given me alot of insight, and things to think about. I really appreciate it.

It's like I said in my original post, I would have thought finding out that we are going to be parents (even if it wasn't planned) would have brought us even closer than before, not driven a wedge between us. We both said it's blessing & our baby picked us to be his/her's parents. We chose to look at all the positives, but then almost as fast as that happened, things got rocky.

I pray to God that it is all a phase & things will get better as time progresses. I don't doubt hormones plays a huge role in how she feels, but I don't like that I seem to become the whipping boy about everything, and even to a point where she treats me like my feelings don't count as much as hers. To me it is a 50-50 situation, we both got ourselves into it, and should be a team & work at making things work.

I will give all the understanding that is possible, and will continue to love her no matter what. I just hope there will be a point where she realizes that I need her as much as I think she needs me during this time, and it's better to be together than at odds. It scares me in wondering if things don't improve, how will she be when the baby is born? Guess we'll cross that bridge if that happens, but til then I will remain optimistic.

Brutus Branyon

 
Old 08-31-2004, 11:39 PM   #12
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

Hello. I saw your post a couple days ago and have been meaning to reply. First off, I'd like to say that I'm sorry you're in the position you're in. The girls on here seem to have reassured you that it's just the hormones, and I'd just like to say that I'm somewhat guilty of that, too. I find myself being snippy with my boyfriend at times.. getting mad at him for dumb little things and blowing things out of proportion sometimes. It doesn't sound like I do it to the extent that your girlfriend does though... I really do try to keep it under control and I do a pretty good job of it. As others have said, she's also most likely scared and stressed, and that's something you two should talk about. You said that, instead of the pregnancy bringing you together, it's kind of tearing you apart... This is your perfect opportunity for it to start bringing you together! Talk to her about what she may be scared or nervous or stressed about. The more you two share, the closer you'll become and the better you'll get along.

You seem like a very smart, caring, and understanding guy and I'd just like to commend you on that. Guys like that are sometimes hard to find. I really do hope that your girlfriend realizes how lucky she is to have someone like you. Many girls find themselves pregnant and their boyfriend leaves them. Not only are you sticking around, you're being totally supportive and that's wonderful. I hope she starts treating you the way you deserve. Hormones can be an ugly thing. lol Just try to be patient and when she starts to act irrationally, try to calm her down and talk about it with her, rather than getting angry right back and having it end in a huge fight. (Not saying that's what you do.) If she can learn to recognize when her hormones or whatever are getting the best of her, then she can stop the behavior. I'm sure this is really a lot of work for you and is quite stressful, but you seem to be doing a great job. Keep it up, and I wish you both the best of luck!

Last edited by fatally yours; 08-31-2004 at 11:41 PM.

 
Old 09-01-2004, 02:46 AM   #13
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Re: Need Advice In How To Deal With Pregnant Girlfriend

Thanks Fatally Yours for your response. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make things right & get them back on track. It was so weird right when everything happened to hear her talk about how she wanted to get married, get our own place & raise the child together. We have both been about doing things the right & traditional way, but then about 2 weeks after that she snapped and went back on everything so fast, to the point where she has mentioned about breaking up & doing things as friends. It's so bizarre & at the sametime hurtful. To be fair though, there have been a few times since then where things seemed normal again & like they should be. But they are very sporatic, and never last for longer than a day, maybe two if I am lucky each week.

Like everyone else's advice, I am going to take yours aswell. It certainly can't hurt any to try everything possible to get things on track. I know it is going to be hard, probably even like pulling teeth but I so much want us to start bonding together over our unborn child like it seemed we had started to when we first learned that we were going to become parents.

We have our second appointment coming up in another week or so, and I believe there might be an ultrasound involved, and if there is, maybe us seeing our baby for the first time together will make a difference in a good way.

Thanks again everyone, and if there is anyone else out there who has advice or thoughts on how I can make things right again with my girlfriend during this time, I'd appreciate it.

Brutus Branyon

 
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