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Old 03-06-2005, 07:45 AM   #1
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JLMandPaul HB User
Question Negative mother-in-laws

Hi girls,
Im really trying hard to stay calm because if I dont, I will lose it. I have a really negative M-I-L, everything that Ive been doing since I found out I was pregnant she finds fault with, IE: Exercise (my doctor OK'd it) Flying (again, doctor OK'd), eating, taking vitamins, and working (I love my job), THEN she even had the nerve to say something about the fact that my husband and I decided that I will be a S.A.H.M after the baby is born due to the fact we're financially able to, but yet she had a comment about THAT. Nothing I do makes that woman happy. Im at my wits end, and so is my husband, but so far he's just told me to ignore her comments. Generally, shes a nice person, it just seems she never has anything good to say. My emotions are high as is due to the fact that my mother is passed away and isnt here for such a wonderful time in my life. M-I-L and I really dont have that much in common and I do admit I really havent tried to get to know her, its just her negativity gets to me, and honestly, I dont think I would like my child around it either. Anyone else out here have such a problem or is it just me? (at least it seems like its just me). I need an outsiders point of view. Thanks for any help.

 
Old 03-06-2005, 10:08 AM   #2
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Re: Negative mother-in-laws

I can definately relate to your problem! Only in my case the all of this comes from my sis-in-law. She is a hugely negative know-it-all. When my hubby and I were planning our wedding I actually had words with her over the phone because she was telling me what kind of wedding cake I HAD TO HAVE. My husband and his sis usually get along ok but leading up to the wedding they actually stopped speaking because she was finding fault with EVERYTHING about our wedding and reception. When she found out I was pregnant she started in with all sorts of nutritional advice and this is coming from someone who chain smoked during her entire pregnancy.

In my case I'm quite lucky because I don't have to see SIL more than 2-3 times a year as she lives about 350 miles away. Her negativity and bad attitude get to me so at the moment I don't even speak to her on the phone. My husband is fine with that as he just wants me calm and relaxed. You may have to just distance yourself from your MIL for the time-being. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything. Sometimes it is hard to just ignore constant negativity (I know it is for me anyway).

I don't know if I've helped but I just wanted you to know that I know what you're going through. Please take care.

 
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Old 03-06-2005, 10:33 AM   #3
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HopingChris HB User
Re: Negative mother-in-laws

When I was pregnant with my 1st child 9 yrs. ago I had the same problem with my MIL. She couldn't stand me. Of course no one was good enough for her only child. When we told them we were pregnant she went out & bought a crib to put in her house. She thought I would just hand the baby over to her. I guess she thought I didn't know anything cause I was only 20 at the time. I never spoke up & said anything through my whole pregnancy. I listened to her negative comments & complained to my husband which he never did anything about. After my baby was born I had to lay the law down. She started telling me how to take care of my own child. I didn't need her help. So after all was said & done she shut up. Never has she once watched any of my children over night. So buying the crib was pointless for her. She never even babysat them until they were already walking. And that was only for an hour or 2. I let her know I was calling all the shots. I am on baby #4 now & she has finally got to know me. Not saying our relationship is perfect cause it is far from it but she doesn't tell me what to do anymore & I think she actually may have some respect for me as a mother cause she has told me many times I am a wonderful mom. I would advise to speak your mind & let her know in the most polite way that you know what you are doing & if you wanted advise you would ask for it. It did wonders for me.

Good Luck!
Chris

 
Old 03-06-2005, 01:53 PM   #4
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Re: Negative mother-in-laws

My mom is acting like your MIL. You are not alone. I get so mad at her, I cannot call her for a while sometimes. When my mom crossed the line one day about me not wanting to drink milk, I told her, "I've got a medical doctor advising me on what I should and shouldn't be doing, and he already knows I'm not drinking milk. He thinks it's fine."

That shut her up for a while. I've had to bring out that line 1 other time since then, but since then, she has cut back on unsolicited advice.

Another thing I had to say to my mom (I am 35 years old, by the way) was this..."Mom, you have to remember you were pregnant 35 years ago. A lot has changed since then." That one TOTALLY worked.

I'm thankful my MIL lives in Texas (I'm in Illinois), because I KNOW she would be way more difficult to deal with than my own mother. Good luck.
Gayle

 
Old 03-06-2005, 02:13 PM   #5
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packerfan4ever HB User
Re: Negative mother-in-laws

My MIL and mother get on my case about different things all the time. One says one thing, and the other the opposite. It's hard to keep them both happy. So, I make my DH and MYSELF happy! Sometimes it's hard for mom's to shut-up. I hope I don't make my dd's or DIL's someday crazy! BUT I am sure I will. I just hope they can come to me and let me know I am doing so! "BACK OFF MOM!"
I like what Tigger-girl had to say. Just stay away as much as you can. If your MIL is driving your DH nuts too, chances are he won't mind staying away more at this point too.
AND if worse comes to worse and she still acts like a know-it-all when you visit, I would point out ALONG WITH DH as calmly as possible that this is YOUR baby and you will handle things fine. HANG IN THERE!!!!
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Old 03-06-2005, 04:02 PM   #6
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reijo HB User
Re: Negative mother-in-laws

I am a MIL but would love to speak up. I have tried awfully hard to make certain that I am not the meddling MIL due to the fact that I had one and could never do anything QUITE good enough. Her other DIL's (one in particular) always had the right answers. I am even the oldest of all the DIL and STILL never satisfied her. So.......due to this I have tried to be more aware of that problem. Thankfully I have a wonderful relationship with both DIL to the point that they kid each other over who will "get" the in-laws when we get too old to be on our own.

Anyway, the one thing that I always wished I had done was to sit down with my MIL and FIL and just say basically "I don't know what I've done that has made you feel this way but just know that I love your son and will be the best wife to him and mother to your grandchildren that I can be". I think they would have both been speechless. Anyway, it would open up a dialog to where we might could have talked SOME of it out.

Since I didn't do this, things never improved..........of course they might not have regardless. My FIL is deceased and my MIL is in such bad health that I don't feel that I can say anything negative out of fear that it could have a very negative medical reaction. She can really work herself into a "state". Her attitude has not gotten any better with age, it has gotten worse and I let it get to me more.

Try to talk with them and good luck! Just remember it when your kids get married!

 
Old 03-07-2005, 07:53 PM   #7
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cattieos HB User
Re: Negative mother-in-laws

I think that is what MILs are put here for! WIth the exception of reijo, who if she wants can come be mine! LOL!
Mine is driving me nuts! She doesnt' like me, or her son either. We asked that noone buy anything for the baby before Xmas, because I am very superstious ( i know, i know!) and didn't want anything bought before the end of the first trimester. COuld she respect that? NO! Then we picked out a name, and my husband thought it was great, but then MIL doesnt' like it, so now he doesn't like it! SIL is getting married 3 weeks after the baby's due date, so MIL is completely absorbed in that, which is good in a way. Except she doesnt' really care much about the baby, except to buy weird stuff. Then we registered, and they had to shorten the names, well FIL is named Danny, but they had to shorten it to Dan, well she pitched a god-awful fit about that!
Anyway, we have had all kinds of trouble from her! She insists on throwing a seperate shower, even though they have no family, except evil grandma (her Mom) around her. And that is a whole other story, she called me fat, and a lutheran heathen at my bridal shower! Anyway, I know that once the baby comes, MIL will see it about once a month, she has been to our house five times in five years, and then after SIL gets married she will pregnant right away, and we will never see MIL, which is fine with me, but it hurts DH"s feelings, whether he admits it or not. It would hurt my feelings if my MOm obvioulsy loved my sister more, adn I am not just saying that, MIL really does love SIL more, it's quite apparent. Anyway, you are not alone, I have absolutely no suggestions, except just stay away from her as much as possible, and when she suggests that stuff just tell her sure. and then dont' do it!

 
Old 03-07-2005, 08:23 PM   #8
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Frynd1 HB User
Re: Negative mother-in-laws

My boyfriend's mother hasn't done anything for me or bought anything the baby and I am due in just two short months. My mother invited her to my baby shower next month and I'm scared that she will show up with her boyfriend and a cigarette hanging from her mouth. I have never been fond of her though and when I became pregnant, I didn't put any effort into our relationship. I think it's a rare occasion when someone ends up with an MIL that they actually like and want to be around. Most women are stuck with one that is either over-bearing or (in my case) doesn't help at all.

 
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