I'd like to start a thread dedicated to the insensitivity of people who are NOT pregnant, i.e. men. I was fuming last nite and I still am this morning, so maybe this will help me get it out my mind. My father in law, bless his heart, who is a wonderful man in all other respects, has been poking fun at my pregnancy weight gain (I'm 5.5 months and I've barely gained 10 pounds) since he found out that I was pregnant. It's been kind of annoying but I've gone with the flow, poking fun at his 9 month belly in return, trying to understand that he just thinks that he's being funny and doesn't really want to hurt my feelings. I think.
So yesterday we were at a family barebeque (not my family) and I was enjoying myself somewhat, talking to my sister and mother in law, absentmindedly munching on some crackers. My father in law came along and quite pointedly made piggy snorting noises at me in front of everyone, insinuating, of course, that I was exhibiting pig-like behaviour for eating during pregnancy. I gave him a look of death put down what I was eating and pushed it far away from me, hoping he got the message that I was not pleased. Obviously he didn't because whenever he saw me put anything else in my mouth that evening, he, with great relish, came over and made pig snorts at me. The ONLY reason that I didn't belt him, and trust me, I would have, is because I was among strangers. So I turned to him and to make sure he understood, i told him in a no nonsense tone that what he was doing was really offending me and I didn't like it at all, turned me heels and stomped off. It worked and he stayed away from me the whole evening.
I thought I would commiserate with you guys because my own family is thousands of miles away and all I've got are my in-laws. Feel free to add in your own stories!
I would like to add that he felt so bad today that he picked me up from work and took me shopping from pregnancy clothes!
How frustrating and TOTALLY insensistive. What does he want... a 2 lb full term baby? I mean come on! The average weight gain is right around 30-35 lbs. You are doing perfectly. I think men should have to carry around the extra weight, sore breasts, the "I have to pee" every hour on the hour, and the sore muscles-- see how long they would last! Women are just that much stronger. I am sorry you have to go through that-- just know that all of us gals are behind you!
What does your husband say? Maybe he can jump in and support you? Hang in there, you are doing everything right to make sure that you are going to have a nice healthy baby. And in the meantime, if you feel like splurging a little bit-- well damnit! You just go for it. You deserve it. Hang in there!
What a d*ck. I swear, men are so stupid. My husband was on a kick for awhile of commenting every time I put something on my plate during a meal, "Honey, you're supposed to be eating for two, not five!". HAH. HAH. I communicated to him exactly what you did to your father-in-law (which, by the way, was the absolute best way to handle that - although I don't know how you waited so long to tell him! I would have had him by the short & curlies on the second pig snort...) but in much more offensive language, and he immediately got the point that while he may have thought he was making some big funny joke, he was also the only one laughing. I'm 31 weeks and have gained 50 lbs, which has been a rather 'interesting' transition for me - I'm normally a super buff fitness nut, and this is the most I've ever weighed - EVER. I weigh more than my husband! And despite all the nice comments about 'how beautiful you look', I know the truth is that my a$$ is fat, my boobs are something out of National Geographic, and my thighs are more dimpled than a golf ball. Which is OK with me - I know it's all normal, and knowing myself, I will do everything within my power to return to my pre-pregnancy size, BUT that doesn't mean it's OK for anyone else - especially relatives - to comment on what goes in my mouth when!
My mother-in-law was the one who got me irritated during my pregnancy. I have a 10-year-old from a previous marriage and this is my husband's first baby. I am 5'2 and normally 95 lbs when not pregnant. My MIL was also my size back in the day and had 4 babies vaginally. Anyway, she kept insisting that I would have to have a c-section because of my size. Every time she brought it up, I kept repeating that my doctor doesn't see any reason why I would need to have a c-section, especially since I had DD vaginally without a problem. She must have brought up c-sections 10 times throughout my pregnancy, and I almost decked her when she brought it up the last time, 2 days before I was scheduled to be induced. I had my 2nd DD vaginally without a problem. Now, my MIL has moved on to questioning everything I do differently than DH's sister and her friend's daughter. Thankfully, she lives 5 hours away! I have never had any issues with her until I got pregnant. My SIL says the same thing about her - never any issues until she got pregnant.
Jaybird, thanks for the laugh! I know EXACTLY how you feel with your "I know the truth is that my a$$ is fat, my boobs are something out of National Geographic, and my thighs are more dimpled than a golf ball" comments. I am 2 1/2 week post-pardum and still feel that way, although it's getting better. I'm glad my boobs are gigantic now, though, because they make my stomach look smaller. I'm still chubby-looking, but I'm no longer insisting that they forgot to take out the "other" baby...LOL!
My situation is a little different. My husband has recently taken to looking on the internet at half, to fully naked women. Now I am 33 weeks so yes, my belly is huge, but I have only gained 6 lbs. I was so upset last week once I found out what he was doing that I lost 5 because I was just sickened with the thought that this is what he was doing. He hasn't come out and said it's because I am huge and unatrtractive, but his actions make me feel this way. He did say he is afraid to ask me for sex because he knows how uncomfortable I am and that I am sometimes in pain. I just feel that his actions say more than that and I feel miserable about it. When he does touch me now is he thinking of the images on the computer or is he really looking at me?
I know exactly how you feel, I gained 56 lbs with my first and I still had 35 lbs to lose when I got preg. for my 2nd. I am now 4 mos along and havent gained anything yet which is worrying me a bit I lost 6 lbs in the first 3 mos. But n-e way I rammbeling My sister and family would comment everytime they seen me "getting up there on the scale aren't you?" needless to say it made me feel fat not that I didnt already. after I had my son my boyfriend would always call me a fat a$$, then I would say well thats from carrying "YOUR" child, and it hurts my feelings, I know I dont have the perfect body I had before I got preg. Iwish I did but I dont think it will ever be the same, I am 5'4 and was 105 lbs before pregnancy and before this one I was 145lbs, now Im 138 aiming for a gain of 15-25 lbs.
I am not very far along so haven't really gained a lot of weight yet. I am however at the morning sickness part and the suddenly hungry thing that hits me. I try telling DH that I need to eat something and hes like "your fine" and blows it off like it doesnt matter that I need to eat "right now" lol. Also the getting really tired really fast. He didn't understand that either right away. Well we went to the doctor yesterday for the first time and the nurse brought those things up before I could and said when I get hungry to eat and tired to sleep etc. I looked at him and said "Told ya so" lol. other than that he is very supportive and very excited to be a first time daddy.
Some of his friends and my F-I-L are not very supportive of us but we are not letting that get us down
So far my husband hasnt really said anything too insensitive, although when we were on vacation in the beginning of the month and I had my bikini on (Im 5 mos preg.) he did worry that other people were going to stare. I told him so what, that I was proud of my belly pooch and if people dont like it, they dont have to look. My MIL is a bit insensitive but I pretty much tune her out. I will admit though, if anyone EVER made snorting pig noises around me while I was eating, or made comments on how much weight Ive gained, then you can be sure there will be some sort of retaliation from me. Im not so nice when pushed..lol. I mean we ARE pregnant, what do people expect? For us to gain 0 weight and have unhealthy babies? As far as Im concerned, if it doesnt come from the doctors mouth, then anyone elses opinions DO NOT matter!. I think we're all doing great!
It amazes me that ANYONE would make comments like that to a pregnant woman let alone some who is related. There are several motivating factors that I can see happening.
1. They are trying to make light of the weight gain so that you don't feel bad, only the way in which they are trying to accomplish this is counterproductive and only serves to hurt the woman.
2. They don't understand what it takes to have a safe and healthy pregnancy. They simply see weight gain as weight gain and don't understand that it serves a purpose.
3. They are jealous of the fact that you're pregnant and find the only way to knock you down a peg is to prey on something that most (not all) women are sensitive about, their weight.
4. They don't understand that times have changed and are still relying on outdated advice regarding pregnancy.
5. They're jerks and want to hurt you for other selfish reasons.
I think I'm most appalled by husband's who make insensitive comments. Women gain weight when they are pregnant. It is serving a purpose and does not detract from a woman's sexiness. In fact, in my opinion it highlights it because a womans curves become more pronounced. I can have more sympathy for them if they are afraid of hurting the woman through physical contact, but to just plain find them not attractive? They better hope that they don't lose their hair, get a beer belly, or grow hair in places it wasn't before. It's called love. It's called compassion and understanding. It's called compromise. The men that are missing out on sex because the woman is uncomfortable throughout her pregnancy seem to forget that SHE is missing out on sex too. Not only that, but she gets to experience pain too. So rather than having themselves a little pity party about not getting their jollies as much as they used to, they should try to step into your shoes and maybe offer up a sensual backrub, think up interesting alternatives, read up on what it means to be pregnant.
For the record, I love my DH to death and he has been fantastic throughout this pregnancy. I have not had to deal with any insensitivity from him regarding anything. In fact the little cutie always walks out the door for his commute to work with his "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book. I have a feeling if he did say something to me like the above, I would be spending a few nights with my parents to let him know that he is hurtful and mean and I won't tolerate it.
Last edited by MissChicopea; 05-13-2005 at 01:08 PM.
:wave; Men, they are mad. If they had to give birth then they would need painkillers for the whole nine months. Malizoom, well done and dont pay no attention. I can relate to inlaws, mine make me sick, l have been married for 3 years and they were so nice nice for like 2 months and then things starting to chane. Since l have been pregnant they could not care a toss, where as they have 3 daughters of there own, of whos children they love to death and take care of 110%. I am married to there only son bearing there first grandchild and my first. I make an effort at 28 weeks if l ever did see them to make sure l look great lol well yes l know its hard, but hey we cant stop wearing make up etc. I dont want them to knowif l have had a bad day. Thabkfully l dont have to see them very much and they dont get in touch with me. My family live about 1 hour away, but its hard to get them to come down all the time unlike my inlaws who are 20 minutes a way and couldnt give a damn about me. Well im glad you started this thread!
Thanks ladies for your very insighful and intelligent comments!,
All is cool with me and my FIL. I think someone (not me) chewed him out big time and I think he's stopped with the fat comments. In any case, he's more than made up for it at this point.
It really upsets me when anyone makes a comment about pregnancy weight gain because I see it as an invasion of privacy. If I wasn't pregnant, I don't think most people would care to offer an opinion on my expanding waistline. I've always been under the impression that it's quite rude and disrespectful to tell someone how big and fat they are. It would seem that pregnancy has made me an open target for good advice that I'd really rather not hear like, "Be careful not to gain too much! It's just more to lose afterwards!" I want to rip at my hair and claw at my eyes and scream "DUH!!! I'm pregnant, not STUPID!!" Of course, I just smile politely to myself and thank this complete stranger for her concern, and waddle away with merely scraps of self dignity, feeling very depressed and jiggly indeed.
I don't want to hear about your daughter-in-law who only gained 6 pounds and walked out of the hospital in the jeans she wore in ninth grade. I also do not wish to hear about your daughter-in-law who gained 65 pounds and has never lost it. Both these comments do nothing for my peace of mind and cause me to spend most of my day looking down at the bathroom scale.
This has been a very supportive chain of posts for me. I have a policy with my doctor that she doesn't tell me how much I have gained unless it is a problem. So far, I am 32 weeks and she hasn't said a peep. I know that I have gained between 10 and 20 pounds but I try not to care.
I think another reason that people say dumb things (ok - especially men) is that they are uncomfortable with their own weight and jealous that you will lose at least some of yours just by giving birth!
I also think that men from an older generation are uncomfortable with pregnancy in general because it is a really public display that you have had sex, at least once! I am a high school teacher and the boys in my class do everything to try to avoid looking at my tummy or saying anything about my being pregnant. I assume for older guys it is the same.
I am happy that you and your FIL are on better terms. I hope that you are getting to enjoy this time now.
My cousin (male) and uncle took to calling me "fatty" during my pg's. I just faked a smile and took it, because I knew, being men, they'd never understand. I know they didn't mean any harm. They just thought since I had been skinny all my life that it was funny. And that it was totally 100% okay and not offensive since I had a good excuse for getting big.
I also hated hearing (when I'm 9 months and barely even walking) "OMG! You're HUGE!!!!" As if I wasn't painfully aware I was the size of a house.
DS born 07/05/2003
DD born 3/24/2005