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Old 06-13-2005, 07:08 AM   #1
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Need advice about family situation

My baby is due in November and my husband and I can't wait. It is our first and maybe only child and we are very excited. The problem is that my sisters (2) offered before I got pg to come (they live about 600 miles away) and help me for a week or so after the baby was born. At the time it seemed like a good idea but it seems like right after the birth of a child would be a special time for a couple and having people around might make that time less special. The worst of it is some new information that I got a few days ago. One of my sister's husband has decided he may want to come too. This guy is a bad alcoholic and he wants to take my husband out so he doesn't have to be around all the women and babies! I am very frustrated at that idea. My husband would not turn down going out with him and getting drunk for fear of not being thought not macho although he would not do this on his own. Basically, my brother in law is a bad influence and I don't want to have to deal with that stress. Instead of bonding, it will probably cause my husband and I to fight during what should be a special time. So, the question is, how do I get my sister to leave him at home?!? If I were totally honest that I didn't want an alcoholic around my baby and family, it would cause a family fight. Plus my brother in law is the type to start even more trouble between my husband and I by chiding him about wanting to spend time with the baby and I instead of drinking. Ugh! I just don't know what to do! Help?

 
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Old 06-13-2005, 07:42 AM   #2
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Re: Need advice about family situation

Why don't you just tell them that you have decided that the quite time with just you and your husband will be enough after the birth. Especially if he is taking time off to stay with you both. Try to be honest without telling them to much, like w/ out mentioning the drinking. Maybe mention not having enough room for everyone and with that many people in the house it will be hard to relax and start a routine with the baby. Try not to stress, it will all work out.
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Old 06-13-2005, 07:54 AM   #3
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Re: Need advice about family situation

Hmmm...that's a tough one. First of all, I would highly recommend having them wait a week or so before coming to visit and take that week for you and DH to get acclimated to YOUR new baby. It's not easy fending them off, but we were soooo glad for that recommendation and blamed it on our "doctor's orders." We allowed anyone to visit in the hospital, but took the first week at home for ourselves. It was soooo nice that by the time the in-laws came to "offer" the advice (more like butt in and tell me what to do and how to do it), we had already established a routine and it was easier to deal with their opinions.

Perhaps you can let your sister know that, while your husband normally enjoys going out with the guys (even if he doesn't), this visit needs to be for the purpose of solely helping you and DH with the baby. If the BIL is not interested in strictly helping with the baby this visit, perhaps he should come another time when the baby is a little older and DH would have time to go out. That way, his chiding would be from 600 miles away and easier to deal with. If your sister isn't willing to respect that you will be a sleep-deprived new mom who needs help for a short time, perhaps she and her husband should wait until the baby is a little older to come for a visit.

 
Old 06-13-2005, 07:55 AM   #4
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Re: Need advice about family situation

This does seem to be somewhat of a problem... but if i were you this is what i would do... i would tell my sisters that you really do want them to come out, but that you would like a little alone time just as a couple with a new baby before needing to entertain family... and i would tell them honestly, i would like my husband to spend some time with me and the baby and not feel the need to leave us cause family came to town and now he would feel responsible for entertaining them... so maybe they could come up once the baby and you guys have adjusted... i would give it a month atleast... that just my openion...hope it all works out... let us know
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Old 06-13-2005, 09:26 AM   #5
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Re: Need advice about family situation

I think you said it right...it's a very special time after a baby is born for a couple, and having people around may not make it so special. I would wait a week or so and see how you feel. If your hubby helps out enough, you could both probably manage just fine on your own. And IF you decide to ask for the help, just be honest ad tell her to leave him home.

On personal note, I don't expose my 2 year old son to situations where peolpe drink alot because I don't want him to grow up thinking it's an acceptable thing to do.

Jenn

 
Old 06-13-2005, 10:01 AM   #6
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Re: Need advice about family situation

theres something wrong w/ your marriage if your husband would choose drinking over his new baby and wife. sounds like he cant stick up for himself. are you close to you sisters enough to tell them that you would like them to come alone? or other wise tell them to come when the baby is a few months old after you get to spend time alone

 
Old 06-13-2005, 10:13 AM   #7
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Re: Need advice about family situation

I was in a similar spot and this is how I got out of it: I told the person(s)

"Oh before I forget, thanks for the offer to be here after the birth but I'm thinking it's not such a good idea anymore. I've spoken to alot of women about being pregnant and stuff, and the topic came up of having people stay over after the birth, and everyone says it's a bad idea to have extra people around. They say that half hour visits once a day is all that a newborn should handle for the first couple of weeks otherwise it'll get overstimulated and cranky. I asked my doctor and he agreed, he said the less people around the better not only for the baby and parents (like to bond), but for me because my hormones will be changing. So I'm thinking it's best if we scrap our original plans, and you give us a couple of weeks to get settled first. It's also easier for the baby to fall into a routine this way."

It was successful in my situation - good luck!

 
Old 06-13-2005, 11:42 AM   #8
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Re: Need advice about family situation

Thank you all for such great advice. I plan to use several of your suggestions and combine them into what I hope will work without causing too much trouble. Not sure when I will talk to her about it. One thing that may resolve the issue is that her company is closing so she may need to take a new job by then and may not have any vacation time. So I may wait to see if that happens although I hate this hanging over my head.

Jenn - I totally agree! I do not want my child exposed to situations where people drink a lot either. That is one reason I want this guy to stay away! Thank goodness we live far away from them and don't have to deal with it on a regular basis!!!

 
Old 06-14-2005, 06:14 PM   #9
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Re: Need advice about family situation

Yepperz, just gotta nicely explain to the sisters that you would like to posponde(no idea how to spell that:S)Just tell them that You were kind of hoping to have some good bonding time between you , your husband and the baby. Hopefully they're understanding

 
Old 06-14-2005, 11:25 PM   #10
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Re: Need advice about family situation

It sounds as though you're handling it well. I had always thought I would have my mother stay with us to help, but we just recently decided to spend the first week or two alone as well. This is our first too, and I would like my husband to learn how to manage the routine and the household along with me rather than seeing my mother take care of things. I think you're making the right decision by allowing bonding time! Hopefully they will understand if you make it sound like it's the right decison after doing research.

 
Old 06-15-2005, 04:59 AM   #11
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Re: Need advice about family situation

My SIL wants to come down and spend a week or two with me and DH to "help out" with the baby. This is our first and by helping out she means telling us what to do and how we're doing everything wrong. I've put my foot down and said "No" to her visit. The first few weeks are meant to be a special bonding time for parents and their new babies. It's time to enjoy your little bundle and try to get some sort of routine going..not entertaining guests and worrying about the problems they might bring with them. Don't be afraid to say "No" and you can always invite them for a visit sometime in the future.

Take care and good luck.

 
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