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Old 04-07-2006, 05:01 PM   #1
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unsupportive fiance! help!

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and feel that my fiance, the father, is not being very supportive. I work in a restaurant as a waitress and when I get home my feet and back are usually killing me. I'll ask him for a back/foot massage (whatever hurts the worst) and he just complains that I never give him a massage! And the whole reason I need one is cause I'm carrying his child! He is very excited about the birth of the baby, but I just feel like he doesn't do nearly as much as he could/should. He even asks ME to go to the store for HIM!!! Has anyone else had these kind of problems? Any advice on how to motivate him to not be so selfish would be much appreciated.

 
Old 04-07-2006, 06:11 PM   #2
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Re: unsupportive fiance! help!

He may be selfish or it may be the way you are asking him....there is no way for any of us to really know. Are you able to give him a massage too? If he asks you to go to the store, ask him to go with you. Maybe he is just seeking some attention or maybe he isn't being supportive. My point is, there is no way for any of us to know what your situation is like. Just put everything into perspective and hang in there, you are getting closer to the end of your pregnancy. Congrats to you!

 
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Old 04-07-2006, 06:22 PM   #3
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Re: unsupportive fiance! help!

Have you tried explaining to him calmly and not in the middle of an argument how much pregnancy can take out of you? I can't even imagine having to work as a WAITRESS during pregnancy!! He should be made aware of all the strange ways in which pregnancy affects a woman. I know for me, it makes my legs feel like lead, among a lot of other things.

What's his situation? Is he in a job that's very physically demanding as well? What I mean is does he really need a massage the way you do, or is he just trying to get out of giving you one by turning the tables on you?

Good luck, I understand how frustrated you must be. But if you can't fix it, try not to let it stress you out too much. That's the last thing you need on top of everything!

 
Old 04-08-2006, 05:06 AM   #4
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Re: unsupportive fiance! help!

Does he have some other male friends or family members that have had kids already that you could ask to gently nudge him in the right direction?

Many times the guys are just scared and don't want to "deal" with the pregnancy and that's their way of putting it off because of the stress of the whole thing. Maybe he just needs some reassurance that it's going to be OK and that he'll be a good dad, yadda yadda.

Also, I bought a "week by week" pregnancy guide for my DH so that he can read it each week and know what's going on both with the baby and with me. It even has little "dad tips" every few pages, like: "Dads, do the vacuuming without being asked. Moms will really appreciate your efforts." and so on...

Now DH asks me several times a week -- "How big is the baby now?? An apple seed or a lentil??"

 
Old 04-08-2006, 04:06 PM   #5
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Re: unsupportive fiance! help!

My boyfriend is the same way, but worse..hes exciting about the baby but i swear he thinks the only thing that happens to a womens body during pregnancy is their belly gets big..thats all he thinks and i try repeatedly to explain how much it takes out of you and that you get sick and moody and you back hurts and that there are so many more things that happen to your body than just a belly, but he does NOT understand. He yells at me if i get in a bad mood and he acts so angry if i get sick and want to go home (i dont want to live with him..we fight too much) I have no idea how to get it through his head either about everything that happens to your body..he just does NOT understand a bit!

 
Old 04-09-2006, 08:30 PM   #6
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Re: unsupportive fiance! help!

My dh is sort of in the middle most of the time. I am now 37.3 wks prego and it took a really good crying attack a few weeks ago to open his eyes.
I have a 21 month, almost 22, toddler and here's my dh asking me to take him up 2 flights of stairs, brush his teeth, change him (he kicks all the time while changing his diaper now), read him stories (no lap for him to sit on!) and get him in his crib (hard for me to lift him up and get him down without dropping him from the back pains I have).
I freaked out on him that night and said he's gotta step up to the plate and take more responsibility for ds right now because I can hardly walk, let alone do all these things right now. I miss being able to give ds a big cuddly hug but my huge belly is sooo in the way right now and I am in a lot of pain carrying around a 9 or 10lb baby!
He now gives me back massages whenever he sees me bending over to stretch it out and he gives me foot massages when we are relaxing watching tv at night. I thank him profusely and usually return the favour somehow at another time.
Instead of getting mad at him and telling him he is not being supportive enough, try having an honest to goodness, face to face talk with him. Be honest about the feelings you are having, physically, emotionally and mentally. It's hard on us to be pregnant. They don't have to go through nearly as much as we do and they still get the same final product! A perfect little baby to love. It's not too much to ask for some comfort and appreciation for being the trooper that you are!
Good luck and remember, stay calm and just try to get your point across without yelling or getting mad.

 
Old 04-17-2006, 12:53 PM   #7
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Re: unsupportive fiance! help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by j baby
I'm 29 weeks pregnant and feel that my fiance, the father, is not being very supportive. I work in a restaurant as a waitress and when I get home my feet and back are usually killing me. I'll ask him for a back/foot massage (whatever hurts the worst) and he just complains that I never give him a massage! And the whole reason I need one is cause I'm carrying his child! He is very excited about the birth of the baby, but I just feel like he doesn't do nearly as much as he could/should. He even asks ME to go to the store for HIM!!! Has anyone else had these kind of problems? Any advice on how to motivate him to not be so selfish would be much appreciated.
OOO girl nip that in the butt and tell him what is up!!! That sounds exactly like my hub!!! I could have killed him the times that he said that to me... and those words are the same exact words that he said to me... You never give me one!!! Oh doesn't it make you want to smack him?!?!? Some guys are just so insensitive. They dont have a clue! He was excited too about everything but as far as making me feel comfy and good he didn't! Don't get me wrong he would ever so often when I begged but as far as wanting to like he should have wanted too that just didn't happen! Good luck girl!

 
Old 04-20-2006, 10:49 AM   #8
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Re: unsupportive fiance! help!

Thanks so much to all for the support and advice. It helps just knowing other people know what I'm going through!

 
Old 04-20-2006, 12:27 PM   #9
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Re: unsupportive fiance! help!

Just try talking to him about it. If complaining about a massage is the only way you feel he's being unsupportive, then you shouldn't worry too much. My exhusband did a lot worse when I was pregnant with my son, lol.

Maybe he's just feeling like he's not getting enough attention? As childish as that sounds, that may be the case.

 
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