I am almost 7 months along and this last week I have found myself to be more emotional than usual. I know it's early yet but I have found my mind racing about all the things I need to do or am worried about. I can't afford lamaze class in my area so I decided to buy a book or dvd to help me. I can't walk in my dangerous neighborhood so I decided to work out on my excercise bike at home. I am worried about the pain of childbirth but I have resigned myself to the fact that it's going to hurt so why dwell on it! I am no saint and I don't claim to be but I have lots of positive traits I plan to pass on to my child and I am working on my negative ones, because I want to be the best parent I can be! The only problem I can't conquer is the negative traits of the my relatives and in-laws. My nephews on my husband's side are spoiled, unappreciative, rude, irresponsible and fowl mouthed kids. They are not always like this but when they are they get bad. Then there is my mother-in-law who can be very bossy she even drives my husband nuts and he is always right there to say how high when she asks him to jump! She has a husband but he will tell her when she is getting bossy (part of the time). I allowed her to barrow my videocamera and when I saw it the other day, my irresponsible reckless sister-in-law had it. I never said she could use it. She has a habit of breaking things and not fixing them. Anyway, I keep the video camera and supplies in a special case and I noticed a few things were missing (cords/directions) and the strap on the case was broken. My husband is no help he gets mad if I say anything negative about his family unless he says something 1st and he lets them barrow stuff behind my back. Anyway I got the camera in the 1st place for when we have kids, so I can have a video diary. Our 1st baby is due in a few months and told him and his Mother that I want the videocamera at home when the baby is born so I can have it handy to catch things the baby does. Granted my child isn't going to do something everyday but I don't want to lend it out and than have it gone when he/she does do something. I am also afraid they will break it and not fix it or I will have to wait until they decide to fix it and they procrastinate. My husband thinks I am being stingy. My family is no walk in the park all of the time ethier. My Mother is bossy and negative and my sister is rather bossy and irresponsible and I have some nieces that could use major discipline but we hardly see them and the rest of my family is pretty grounded. These things bothered me before but now with a child coming into the picture I see these people as role models and right now I am not completely happy with what I see. They have very good traits too but most often the negative have been outwaying the positive. How do I raise my child right no matter negative influences from ethier side?
The "traits" that you talk about regarding your in-laws and your family are almost all learned behavior. I see similar appalling behaviors with both my family and DH's, as well as in close friends' families. All I can do is recognize it and resolve that I (and my DH is on the same page as me on this) am not going to raise my children that way.
I don't care what other people are doing or how they do it. I want my child to be raised to be independent and capable of thinking for herself. I do not plan on spoiling her, but instead will provide love and attention and provide her the things and experiences she needs to meet those goals. Be strong and confident and know what you want... and stick to your plan regardless of what other people want.
As for the video camera -- tell your DH to get off his butt and to go get it. It's important to you to have it at home right now and since it's yours, you want it. Use the "I'm pregnant, emotional, and hormonal" bit and tell him that you don't really care what he think about it that YOU want it home NOW. Remind him that you are caring HIS child and the least he can do is support you, even if he thinks you're being irrational (whether you actually are or not isn't the point!). Just get him to get it from his family. There is no need for you to get in any sort of emotional showdown about it -- he should deal with his family when appropriate, and now's the time!
Thank you so much Xinerevelle! I hate to download on people but this has caused more problems besides what I mentioned. You see it the same way I do and the way you want to raise your child is the way I want to raise mine. My husband sees nothing wrong with his family's actions or attitudes until they do something to make him mad. Suddenly than he is Mr. Understanding! Sadly he carries some of these negative traits too like being selfish and irresponsible and it may not be all the time but it's enough to worry me that our child might act that way too. I am also worried my husband won't change his selfish ways after we have the baby and my child will go without attention from his dad or something else. His Mother and sister tell him so often about all the things he will have to give up they make having a child sound like a tragedy and than my husband freaks out. I also think that is why he only wants one child now when at one point we had agreed on 2. Now I have that to deal with so I am praying that this baby will change his mind or maybe I will go through this birth and change my mind and only want one. I will take what I can get and be happy if it only means one child but I feel upset and almost stripped of my dreams of what I wanted my family to be like all because they talked so negative and now he has changed his mind!
Ya, that is why I live 8hrs from my family!! My dh family lives in town but they keep to themselves. They are very negative thinkers and think everyone is out to get them. I am the exact opposite I look for the positive in everything and my husband has caught on to that for the most part as well. He has his little moments but we all do. You and your husband are the best role models for your child, no matter what the rest of the family does. Take this one child at a time and maybe after the first one your dh will want 10 That is too bad that his family isn't more up beat about the baby. The experience is what YOU make of it not what other people tell you of it! That frustrates me!! I also agree with Xiner and kick his butt and get that video camera or go get it yourself if he won't. Pregnant women are not meant to be reckoned with!!! It sounds like you have alot of "Bosses" in your family I think it is time you became one for a while.
Before we got married my fiance told me he wanted kids. Then, suddenly after we were married he said he didn't and started acting all childish and selfish. It was a really rough first two years of marriage, to say the least. He was constantly saying things like "well, before I was married I used to..." fill in the blank. I would remind him that he voluntarily got married and that no one was stopping him from doing those things (jetskiing, bike riding, etc.).
After my sister and 4 year old niece stayed with us for about 6 months he finally started to realize that having a kid was doable and was something he might want. He fell in love with my niece and her with him. We finally decided to try to have a baby. I was worried that he would continue to be really selfish and childish as the pregnancy progresses, but to my surprise he is finally starting to grow up and act like an adult (which he did when we were dating... for some reason he regressed when we got married).
He is trying very hard to be supportive and caring while I'm pregnant. The other day I made him watch one of those "baby story" shows where the people bring the baby home from the hospital. He looked at me and said "what are you going to do when the baby comes home?" I thought he meant something like "I don't understand why you're not going to be jumping up and doing all this cleaning and organizing and work when the baby comes home... don't they just sleep all the time??"
BTW, my in-laws aren't very supportive about the baby, to the point of being downright rude (mainly my SIL who has no kids, but MIL, too). I just lower my expectations for them (I don't plan on any visits after the baby is born -- they live 1000 miles away; I don't plan on any gifts from them, etc.) that way I might be pleasantly surprised if something positive DOES happen from them.
But no, he had one of those realization moments that having a baby is alot of work in the beginning and very tiring, with the constant feeding, burping, changing, and cleaning (and trying to catch a little sleep in between all of those things!). He looked at me very worried like and said "You're going to be really tired!" I smiled and said "And when you come home from work I'm going to hand her to you and then YOU can do it for a few hours. " I think he's starting to "get" it...
I know exactly how you feel. My Mother in-law is always telling my husband what to do and how to live. Now that I'm pregnant, she told him the other day that he needed to get a job with his dad so he could make more money. Well, the things is...we work the graveyard shift together at the same place, and I really dont want him to get a daytime job, because basically I will be going through my pregnancy alone. They get mad if we dont go see them at least 2 times a week. I work 11p-7a Sunday-Thursday and then I'm doing an internship MOnday-Friday 8am-12pm. She will call at like 2 in the afternoon and blow our phones up until we get up and answer it. SHe doesnt understand that I'm pregnant, working my *** off and tired!
Just take your phone off the hook while you are sleeping, or shut off the ringer(s) and let the answering machine screen your calls for you (with the volume down low). And if they come knocking at your door (to make sure you're OK), just ignore 'em. I know it's easier said than done, but with alot of conviction you can do it.
Have you explained your schedule issues with them (as to why your DH doesn't want a different job right now), in a way they understand? Maybe with a promise to consider it AFTER the baby comes they might back off a little.
Xinerevelle-YOur post was great reagarding your dh wanting kids then not. I had a good chuckle. I think so many women can relate to that post. After reading so many posts my family is alright!! My side just likes to offer opinions when not needed all the time and my dh side can be negative (never towards a baby)but otherwise good people. I just can't beleive some families would think so negative of a baby coming!! My little one is #10 and the last on my side and he will be #8 and likley the last on my dh side and everyone is still so excited as if he would have been the first. I just don't get spoiled with as many gifts.
Good luck to you all!! Babies change alot of things when they arrive and usually it is for the positive. Take care.