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Old 02-08-2002, 02:34 PM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2001
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AndreaHere HB User
Not feeling very motherly

I know this is a horrible thing to say, with many people out there trying to conceive, but I'm looking for any advice or even a little reassurance. I'm currently 5 months pregnant with our first child and am not feeling very motherly. After having 3 previous miscarriages before this pregnancy I thought initially it was due to me not wanting to get "attached" to this pregnancy in fear of losing it. But after seeing him on ultrasound several times healthy as can be, after hearing his strong heartbeat regularly and now feeling his movements daily, I'm still not feeling very connected. This is especially odd for me, as someone who is deeply in touch with myself and others on all levels. I feel horrible because my husband pays more attention to this baby in-utero than even I do, but I still feel so distanced from this child. Now I fear that I'm going to be a bad mother, which I NEVER thought possible. I know I really love this little boy so much already, so I don't understand my lack of enthusiasm. I'm sorry for such a terrible post, but I'm really beginning to question myself and it's starting to get me down. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much.

-Andrea
baby #1 - boy, EDD 07/04/02

 
Old 02-08-2002, 02:43 PM   #2
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Location: burlington, ks USA
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fingerscrossed HB User
Re: Not feeling very motherly

Andrea,
I've never had a child, but I would venture to guess, that your feelings are normal and its prob due to hormonal changes and fatigue that you may be experiencing. I wouldnt be so hard on yourself. I have a suggestion. I have found that writing is a sort of therapy for me. If you want, go buy a journal and gear it towards your baby. Write down things that you want your baby to know about you, your life, your husband and things that you have experienced. This may help you to related to the baby more and also it may open you up a bit more. And when your baby is old enough, he or she will have it as a keepsake. I will be doing this when I get pregnant, mainly because, all my life I knew my mother as a mother and I dont know her or about her before she had me, so I would have liked to have had something like this. It's just an idea....
Dont worry though, you are going to be a wonderful, loving, caring mother!

 
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Old 02-08-2002, 05:02 PM   #3
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Molly M HB User
Re: Not feeling very motherly

Andrea, don't worry. Not everyone gets attached to a baby before it's born. I didn't. I loved being pregnant and all, but I never felt an attachment. I had a hard time even after my daughter was born. Just because the baby lives in your body and is genetically yours, you don't know him yet. It takes a lot of time to get to know somebody, right? I think a lot of times women say they are so attached just because they think they should be. I never thought I could love someone so much as I do my daughter. So your motherly love will grow as you get to know your son. I think a lot of people will tell you the same thing. Good luck,

------------------
Molly H.

 
Old 02-08-2002, 05:02 PM   #4
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Purrbaby HB User
Re: Not feeling very motherly

I hope I can help. With my son I never cried or got emotional when I saw him on the u/s or heard his heartbeat. But, when I almost lost him..it scared me to death. Sometimes, I felt the preg. was more of an inconvience than a blessing. But now that my son is here..I love him in the fiercest deepest way possible. But, I didn't fall in love with him when I first saw him..8 hrs after I had him. It took several weeks before I fell in love with him. I always loved him..but I was never overly emotional jumping off the walls about him either. I believe everyone acts differently and no one way is wrong. Give it time..you don't get used to the idea overnight. I'm preg. again and I still can't believe it..ok I'm only 1 1/2 months along..but still...somethings happen in their own time. And just to let you know..you aren't alone and many people tell me what a great mom I am today!!

------------------
Smile, life doesn't last that long.

 
Old 02-08-2002, 05:22 PM   #5
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AndreaHere HB User
Re: Not feeling very motherly

Thank you all so much for the reassurance. It really means a lot to me. I sometimes feel like I'm already a negligent mother when I don't squeal in delight at every kick and roll inside me. I think maybe I'll find some things that the baby and I can do "together". Maybe I'll get a few special children's books to read to him each day or will find some soothing music we can share together. I guess most of all I just don't know how to connect with someone I've never "met" even though he does live inside me. And as odd as it sounds, I was somehow so positive that he was a SHE that when I recently found out from the doc that little girl is actually little boy I have some readjusting to do mentally. There's a little man inside me and I'm scared! <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> I don't know a thing about what little boys want and need because I wasn't one!
Thanks again for the kind words. And please understand that I do love this child very much and am EXTREMELY thankful for his existence. He's getting to know me and I'm getting to know him and I suppose it's a normal thing for that to take some time. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">
Thanks again.

-Andrea
baby #1 - boy, EDD 07/04/02

 
Old 02-09-2002, 09:20 AM   #6
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Location: Morrisdale, PA
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28Girl HB User
Re: Not feeling very motherly

Andrea, I just wanted to write to tell you that it is OK to feel the way you feel and don't come down on yourself so hard for feeling that way right now.. I agree with the other posters that it is pretty common to have feelings of non-attatchment to an unborn child. I think a lot of it has to do with hormones, but I also think that it comes from expecting a certain sex of the baby and then finding out it is the opposite.. My first preg. I was hoping for a boy and we got what we wanted.. My second preg. was almost 2 yrs later and we wanted a girl and we were convinced it was! I only had girls names in mind and was looking at all pink items, until my ultrasound at 8 months and the tech person was convinced (although not 100%) it was a boy. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I thought my whole world had stopped! I felt deceived, because I was sure this one was and should have been a girl.. Even during the 8 months of thinking and wanting it to be a girl, I had my older son only wanting a litle sister.. LOL Anyway, I went through some soul searching after I found out it was a boy because I felt like I couldn't be a good Mother to this child because I actually didn't want another boy.
I felt like our bond that we had shared for 8 months was destroyed and had a hard time with my feelings for the next couple weeks.. Until the day he was born.. He was an exact twin of his older brother! (Just 2 years appart! LOL) Everything in the world that I thought wouldn't happen between me and my newborn DID happen and to this day we have an even closer bond that I do with my first.. The oldest is a Daddy's boy and the youngest is a Mommy's boy.. The oldest looks like Daddy and the youngest looks like me! To this day I don't feel as guilty for "wishing" he was something different, but I wouldn't trade him for the world! My SIL had the same experience because she had 2 boys and a step son and really wanted a girl, but had a boy.. She went through the exact same feelings as you and I. She is a wonderful mother and has an excellent bond with her child now, although she admitted to being "disappointed" about having another boy.. Heck I think my mother in law took it pretty emotionally though too.. My other SIL had a boy too.. So now my MIL has 7 Grandsons and not 1 Grandaughter.. LOL No pink around her house either.. LOL I did once dress up my youngest in a little pink frilly dress and took a picture just to see what he might look like as a girl! Ha Ha (And maybe to blackmail him with when he is older and dating LOL) And it turns out it is identical to my baby picture at the same age.. The only way you can tell them appart is I have a green dress on and his is pink!
Anyway, I just wanted to share my experiences with you and to let you know that you are not alone with your feelings.. Hang in there and through reading some of your other posts I know you will be an excellent Mother!
Take care and Sorry it's so long...
Dawn

 
Old 02-09-2002, 03:08 PM   #7
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Amy M HB User
Re: Not feeling very motherly

With my first child I just wanted the baby out, I hated being pregnant, wanted nothing to do with the whole thing...although I didn't do anything to harm my baby afterall it is a person, and I didn't want to go through labor. I never was attached to the baby, just the opposite of the other replys I was told it was a girl and all I wanted was a boy....I had a beautiful baby boy! 2 weeks after delivery I was hugging him and said that why did I wait so long to have you? I want tons more babies. I was very happy I had a boy, we couldn't believe it when he came out we were quite surprised. My husband wanted a girl, actually didn't care, but I really wanted a boy and had everything blue even though I was having a girl. He is a delight, and everyday is more fun he is 2-1/2 and I am due with my 2nd child in 2 months, this time I wanted a girl and with 2 ultrasounds saying it is a girl I hope it is, although I still keep looking at baby boy clothes I am getting use to little girl clothes. I haven't formed that real bond with this baby yet either, but I am not so worried about it this time...I still hate being pregnant this time more then last but I know the out come....a baby!

 
Old 02-11-2002, 06:16 AM   #8
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hillarynotclinton HB User
Re: Not feeling very motherly

I hate being pregnant too. Ive experienced a big growth spurt and muscles are hurting in ways I never knew they could. I spend most of my time feeling crappy, and that makes me less than thrilled at the pregnancy. I dont feel bonded with this baby. My husband worries that I dont want her, but really I do. I told him that I just dont like pregnancy and I will be fine after she is out. It was the same way with my first daughter. Im tired, weepy, big, I hurt, Im itchy, and to top it all off, my baby kicks so hard it hurts alot of the time. Excuse me for not weeping with joy. My husband makes me mad when he doubts me--he of all people should know that I am an excellent mother-as reflected in the wonderful daughter I already have. I did everything for her and will do the same for this one. If he had to go through a this, maybe he would be a bit less likely to judge.

 
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