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Old 03-14-2002, 07:03 AM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Elizabethtown, KY
Posts: 145
hillarynotclinton HB User
Haunted by past pregnancy experience

gosh, I hope Im not bugging anyone with my constant concerns and complaints, but this message board has been a great outlet for me. Im not the type of person to discuss these things with anyone I know, including hubby. My first pregnancy experience wasn't too good. I had to leave my daughter's father at the beginning of the last trimester, and basically suck it up and go through it all alone. I got through it all by focusing on my baby, my job, anything but the breakup, but it was still a very lonely and sad time for me. Luckily, my mom was kind enough to offer emotional support and was there for my labor and delivery. This time around Im married to someone who loves me very much (he tells me about a million times a day) and seems very happy about this pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried out of fear, but he was grinning from ear to ear. Im still afraid that he doesnt want this though, and Im afraid he will leave. I ask him alot if he feels trapped, if he really wants this, Ive even told him he wont have to pay child support if he really wants out. He just tells me over and over that he is very happy. Im scared to have him there for the birth. Ive never shared that experience with the father. Sometimes I tell him not to come to doctor's appointments, but he always does. It is like Im trying not to let him get too involved in case he leaves. He knows why I do this. I guess Im not good at sharing this experience. I dont even know how to do it. Ive never had it like this.

 
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Old 03-14-2002, 12:42 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: MI USA
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Sweetie HB User
Re: Haunted by past pregnancy experience

Girlfriend, you need to count your blessings. I think your fears are completly "normal", but it sounds like you have a great guy. We tend to get a little irrational when we are hormonal (I do anyway). Try not to worry too much and let dh enjoy this time with you. Sometimes it's hard when you've been on your own and are used to doing things for yourself, it's understandable to feel the way you do. Can I just say that this is my 3rd and dh was there and will be for this one as well. I can't imagine not sharing the experience with him. With my 1st I had an emercency c/section and was completely unconcious. But he was there holding our son in the delivery room and bonding with him. 2nd time was VBAC and everyone told me that there is no "special momment" with your partner during or after delivery. Bull, we had our "special moment" just the 3 of us and later with our oldest son. You are a family now, be happy and enjoy this special time. All the best.

Tracy

 
Old 03-14-2002, 01:24 PM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Posts: 145
trishk HB User
Re: Haunted by past pregnancy experience

hi there! my first pregnancy was similar to yours. i'm now married and have had 2 kids with my husband and was afraid with each one that he would leave. he didn't and said he never will. i guess you just have to trust your mate sometimes. i know that he told me that if anything drove him away, it would be my paranoia about him leaving. enjoy your pregnancy and let dad get involved! not every woman is blessed like we are. also, i like reading your posts! kim. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/round.gif">

 
Old 03-14-2002, 02:20 PM   #4
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Join Date: Nov 2001
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AndreaHere HB User
Re: Haunted by past pregnancy experience

Hi Hillary,
I would like to say I know exactly how you feel, but I probably don't. I do feel very similarly, though. Without too much detail about my past (besides the fact that it's nearly identical to yours) I have the same worries about the future. I met my now-husband last September. Got pregnant in October and we weren't even officially "dating". He decided on his own that he really wanted to do this...have this baby - even though I gave him plenty of outs. As ashamed as I am to say this (and please try not to judge me if you can) I even had an appointment to get an abortion, just as another option for him (and me). Daddy showed up at my work a week or so before the appointment and said he had been thinking long and hard and he wanted me to cancel the appointment and he wanted to be a family. Due to my past experiences I was the one who had to decide whether or not I was going to do that. I did cancel the appointment (obviously) <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> and I couldn't be happier with any other decision I've ever made in my life. He asked me to marry him and we got married in January. I've since lost my job and have been supported 100% by him (including paying off old debts, etc.), have gotten HUGE in the belly area, am hormonal every day to the point where he never knows what he's going to get when he walks in the door, and I wonder every day when (not if) he's going to have enough of this and take off. I feel like I came into his life, stole him away from the fun and his friends and the travel which had made up his days, moved myself and my cats and everything else into his bachelor pad and basically took over. I give him options for leaving and he just laughs them off, hugs me and says we're going to see our grandchildren together. But no amount of comforting, well...comforts me. Next doctor's appointment I'm going to ask for a referral to a therapist. I know deep down these fears are rooted in my past and have nothing to do with my husband, who couldn't be more loving or caring. I feel that it's no longer fair to push my insecurities on him and ask him for reassurance day after day. I'm hoping that talking to a professional will do some good, as the baggage I carry isn't good for my marriage and I can't imagine it will be a weight I want to carry when a new baby is in the house in a few months. I have the best life ever right now, yet I sit and cry depressed most days because I fear what COULD be instead of appreciating what is. Amazing what one bad man way back when can do to us, huh. I don't know what to suggest in your situation and I'm sorry. I know if the therapy doesn't help me, the only thing that will is time. I just don't want to look back years from now and feel that I wasted precious time with my new family because I was blinded by the past. So please post here as often as you need to. We love you here. Talk to friends and family if you can. And if you think it would help maybe look into getting someone with a degree in "talking" to talk to, who can maybe help you work through your past so you can start living, REALLY living, in the present. I wish you much luck and much love, Hillary. And please never stop posting! You're a light to us all. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

-Andrea

 
Old 03-14-2002, 07:01 PM   #5
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: meridian, MS United states
Posts: 14
Purrbaby HB User
Re: Haunted by past pregnancy experience

Hillary I do not know what it feels like to go through a birth and preg. alone but I have had the same fears. I have fears that my hubby never wanted my son when I was preg. My hubby insisted on going to EVERY doc's appointment and he was there through every step. He was never intrested in feeling the baby move or reading the baby books. But the minute my son came out he held him until they made him let go and he has been my son's fav. play toy ever since. My hubby and I never heard our babies first cry b/c I was out cold and he couldn't be in the room and that is something I wish he could have experienced. You are lucky to have someone there to be by your side. I could never imagine going through a preg. and a birth without my hubby. I know it is hard to let a man in but if you do you will be forever grateful. I have this pic from when my son was just born and my hubby was holding him. They almost look like they are looking at each other. It is the greatest thing to see the love between them..even if my hubby didn't seem that involved in the preg. I have had a lot of problems with my parents and people dying and leaving me during important times in my life and trusting my hubby has ben the biggest challenge of my life. It can be done but it takes time and lots of tears. Hang in there.

------------------
Smile, life doesn't last that long.

 
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