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Old 01-29-2002, 09:57 PM   #1
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SugarBaby123 HB User
Already a Mommy, Need Advice from Other Mommys

Hello, ive been searching the web for help but am having little luck so i thought mabey some og u could help because i figured yall have other children to. I would like to give yall a little background info. about myself. My son is 3 in a half yrs. old. I got prego. when i was 15 and had him at 16 so i am now 19. My son visits his father/Grandparents every other weekend. He lives here at home with me and my mom. When im in College my grandmother watches him during the day for me. Ok This is what i need help with. My son is already developing a bad attitude. He called me stupid today and i spankled him and put him in time out for 4 min. after i talked with him about how thats nota nice word to say and how hes a good boy so he shouldnt say bad things, i made him tell me he was sorry and when he was walking bac to his room he said "Stupid momma" so i again spanked him and in time out and talked with him about this. He says bad words which i think he gets from his dads house because we dont use that language in front of him and i moniter what he watches on TV. however, He also hits me and when he gets mad at me says "I dont like u anymore momma" Hes very ruff and aggresive. Hell either hit me are grit his teeth and ball his fist and let out aggresive noises. He hollars and is very demanding. Is this typical for a 3 tr. old little boy. i may be overreacting but there are no boys in our family, i am an only child. My mom says its typical for boys but like i said she wouldnt know cause she only had me. I dont want this to be the beginning of a problem child. I dont want him growing up being rude and acting this way. I have a friend whos boyfriend has a little boy and hes so quiet and good (from what i see) I just need yalls help and Input because im freaking out and am very worried about him acting like this. Pls Help. Thansk

 
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Old 01-30-2002, 06:12 AM   #2
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hillarynotclinton HB User
Re: Already a Mommy, Need Advice from Other Mommys

Well, Im going through way worse than this with my husbands son, and we feel that alot of his acting out is caused by the instability in his life. He spends alot of time moving around and going back and forth between mom, grandma, and dad. His life is chaotic, and as a result he seems to be a chaotic person. I on the other hand, have a child who has never done any of that back and forth stuff, and she is so mellow and kind and stable. Children thrive on security and stability. A child loves it when he/she can anticipate what will happen next. I dont know if thats the problem. But I do see it alot with divorce and single parents. The children get so stressed from constantly being moved around from person to person, that they act out. Some even develop attachment disorders. Ive read alot about that, and my hubby's son displays almost all the symptoms of it. My mother is a marriage and family therapist, and she said if I could see all the things she did when dealing with children of divorce, I would never, ever consider getting divorced. She said the main thing that causes trouble is all the back and forth they do between parents. She has seen clients for years, and when a child goes through that, they change completely, for the worse usually. Children thrive on routine and stability. Just do the best you can at providing your son with a very stable environment when he is with you. Unfortunately, you have little control over what goes on outside of your home with him. Take care.

 
Old 01-30-2002, 09:54 AM   #3
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Molly M HB User
Re: Already a Mommy, Need Advice from Other Mommys

I also have a 3 year old - not quite 3 and a half, but she gives both my husband and I a lot of attitude. She does not hit, though. And when she says something that we feel is not right, we tell her. Remember that he's only 3 1/2. I don't want to sound like I'm criticizing your parenting, but have you ever thought that maybe your spanking him all the time is an example that when he's angry, he should hit? Kids learn by example. I am no saint - in fact I said I would never spank my child, but just yesterday she was doing this whole ignoring, oppositional thing, and it got to the point where I gave her a good swat on the bottom. I am upset with myself about that, because in my heart I know that it was wrong. The only other times she has got a swat was once when she was hurting our kitten, and once pretty recently when she intentionally scratched my husband.
As for your son's defiant behavior, I think it's pretty typical of the age. I see many 3 year olds and 4 year olds that act like they know everything. Maybe discuss his language with him at a time when he's not being aggressive. My daughter is very good at knowing what the bad things are to say, "shut up", "dammit", etc., but sometimes I catch her saying things under her breath and I think it's because she's trying to get attention. She always tells other people when they say something nasty.
Make sure your son is getting a lot of positive attention. Does he go to preschool or have anywhere where he's around other children? I think they can get a lot out of that.
Good luck to you, and I know it can be very, very frustrating at times. But remember that they are little people with many emotions that they don't know how to exactly express yet. It's really important to focus on the good behavior at this age as well. If he does something sweet and kind, praise him to no end. He might like the attention he gets and realize that it's better than a spanking and time out. Sometimes kids do whatever they can to get attention, even if it's negative. I of course don't know what your parenting, or your mom's care, is like. Also remember there is an abundance of information out there to help you - books, counselors etc. Maybe start with a book. Keep an open mind, too. There are as many ways to parent as there are personalities in children.

I wish you the best. And good job sticking with school after having your baby. I think that is smart, as long as your child still comes first.


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Molly H.

 
Old 01-30-2002, 11:00 AM   #4
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SugarBaby123 HB User
Re: Already a Mommy, Need Advice from Other Mommys

Hey guys thanks for responding
HillaryNotClinton: My son does visit his father every other weekend like i mentioned, i dont think that that really a prob. but like u said i have no control over what is going on there, and i honestley think that they would let him get away with Murder. So its very contradicitng in his little mind because here at my home he knows right/wrong. Ive already talked with Father about watching what goes on because his brother is 15 and i know my son picks up alot from him, but His father says that my son dosent act and do those things when hes there. 1. He could be full of it or 2. Mabey my son dosent because there are male authoroty figures there.

Molly: Well i really dont spank him at all. He only gets those sometimes and i was thinking that was the whole prob. That i dont disapline him right. Hes has no prob. with hitting on other kids ... if he sees other kids hitting he Says "thats not nice" or "there being bad". parenting is a hard job and especially since im young and have no other kids i want to do everything just right.

Thanks again Guys for taking the time to read and respond!

 
Old 01-30-2002, 11:25 AM   #5
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Sweetie HB User
Re: Already a Mommy, Need Advice from Other Mommys

The posts above make alot of sense so I don't have much to add. Except, a book suggestion. It's called "Parenting with Love & Logic" by Jim Fay. It is easy reading in that you can put it down and pick it up without losing alot. Helpful when you have small children. I highly recommend it. Kids want to feel like they have control. There are ways to give them control without losing yours. Try not to get to discouraged. Age has alot to do with it. My 9 year old was very agressive at that age including hiting me. He is now a well behaved & well adjusted kid. Your boy will be too because his mama cares so much. Good luck.

 
Old 01-30-2002, 07:00 PM   #6
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whitewolf95 HB User
Re: Already a Mommy, Need Advice from Other Mommys

Well first Iwant to say you have gotten great adviceso far. Though I do have to say I was raised in a family that did spanking and I turned out just fine. It was just swats on the butt.
We have two boys one age five and half and the other is 14 months. We noticed with our oldest son that soon after he turned three he started talking back and other such things even tried hitting us. I have noticed this with other friends who have boys also. It just seems to be a stage they go through. Though when it first started I was going nuts trying to figure out what was going on. Because up until then he had been like a perfect child.
So our children also gets swats when the behavior gets out of hand. We have tried the time out with little success I must say. Taking away a favorite toy has done wonders at times.

 
Old 01-30-2002, 09:55 PM   #7
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Molly M HB User
Re: Already a Mommy, Need Advice from Other Mommys

Just because people who got spanked when they were growing up turn out fine doesn't mean it's right. If you think about it, it really is hypocritical because we are trying to teach children that they shouldn't hit to get what they want, but that's what spanking is. I truly believe there are better, and wiser ways to curb bad behavior. And like I said, I have done what I said I would never do, and I have felt horrible for it. Like Whitewolf said, taking away a favorite toy, or taking away tv time or whatever. I really think the emphasis should be on positive reinforcement, not negative punishment. I too was spanked as a child, only swats on the butt, and probably only a few times, but I can still remember feeling lonely, confused. And I don't want my child feeling that way. And another thing, too often a parent spanks in the heat of the moment when we're angry. If that doesn't send the wrong message, I don't know what does. I know there are many beliefs on how to raise our children. I am just glad I have the sense and time to think desperately about what is right and wrong. Some parents don't give their kind of disipline another thought because that's the way they were raised, or for whatever reason. I think the most kind and thoughtful, loving parents give it an infinite amount of thought. Because they know that there is nothing more important than loving our children, and showing them how to love others.

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Molly H.

 
Old 02-02-2002, 10:13 AM   #8
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Shaelle HB User
Re: Already a Mommy, Need Advice from Other Mommys

I too think it's a stage. He's trying to get your attention. My daughter pulled stuff like that too at 3-4 years old. I always say, it's not the terrible two's, it's the terrible three's. One that that I would always say to my daughter when she'd say things mean and quietly, I'd respond with, "But I still love you." And that ended up being the response she didn't like. It seemed to end soon after that.

I got that from my mother, she said to me, that when we were kids, we could say some of the meanest things. But she said that we NEVER said "I don't LOVE you anymore." and that when we'd say, "I don't like you anymore." she'd respond with "sometimes I don't like you either, but I still love you."

I thought that would be a little harsh for a 3 year old, so I just said the "but I still love you" part. Now my daughter is 7 1/2. And in her fits of anger and she tries the I don't like you part, I give her the whole I don't like you either right now, but still love you phrase. It seems to work. She's only said it once or twice. Hope this helped. <p>[This message has been edited by Shaelle (edited 02-02-2002).]

 
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