It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Pregnancy Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-17-2003, 03:27 PM   #1
Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 6
picoflily HB User
Question What to think?

Hello. This is my first time using a message board. I will try to make my story somewhat breif, even though it has beena long year (almost) of pain and hurting each other that has hit a wonderful climax.
I am Bipolar. She has anxiety disorder. I am 24 now, she is almost 21. We were living together and having a good life when I suddenly backed off. After a long time of me being distant, she ran to a friend of mine for comfort. She started to lie a lot. This is where I first realized many of my mental disorders, which, I have since gotten help for. She, however, was in too deep. He is a controlling person. He date raped her. This got bad back in december when we were still living together. It continued through January. We decided to get help together and try to fix this. I understand it might have been easier to move on, but we do have a lot of love, even if we never end up as more than friends again.
He weasled hhis way back into her life. She is vulnerable to him because she has no respect for herself after being used by him and hurting me. Well, we had sex twice in the time that we decided to work things out. She lied to me and let him back in her life. He date raped her again. Basically, he would not take no for an answer until she finally gave in. We finally parted ways after he made her tell me some really nasty things on instant messages, but that brought her crashing down. She cleaned up her life. Just as we are becoming friendly and getting along, she finds out she is pregnant.
I truly don't think she is taking the date rape seriously enough. It is 99% likely that it is his baby, not mine. He has stated he wants her to have an abortion now no matter what. She was a "mistake" though. She sees a doctor on Monday. I have told her I will be there for her, but I can't be around if he is. He said he want's part of raising the child if she doesn't get an abortion. Adoption is not an option, she won't be able to give up a child she carried for 9 months. I am having trouble knowing what I feel. I feel like less of a man. In all the time we were together, she never got pregnant. Granted, we were careful, but he got her pregnant and I might be raising this child because I love her. I truly hate him. He has screwed me over in business and in life. I don't know how to feel about raising his child.
I am very confused. I don't know what to think of abortion. We really wouldn't be able to provide much of a life. We both plan on going back to school in the fall. We both work simple jobs with little money. That was fine for the two of us, but I don't want to ruin the life of someone who is not even born yet. Then there is the chance it is mine. I really don't know what to think. In the end, it comes down to her. We are two very bright people. Went to good schools, just decided not to finish college. Somehow we got ourselves into a Jerry Springer episode. Now it involves a future life, not just us. The other guy seems to be the only one with no compassion. He simply wants the abortion now. He only thinks of himself. Yes, she got herself into it, but I am not a heartless guy. I know her very so well. I want to be there for her, but it is not my child. I guess there is no clear question I am asking. I just hope someone might have a little advice. Maybe someone has had a situation like this or has known someone? How do you raise the baby of someone that has forced the woman you love to have sex? Someone you hate. Is it even fair to the child to bring it into this situation, or is abortion really a suitable option. Please don't preach to me. I am not religious. I just want advice and facts. Stories from experience to help me mull through my thoughts and emotions. Thank you.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-17-2003, 03:42 PM   #2
Inactive
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: La Habra, CA. USA
Posts: 665
lovelyme HB User
Post

Well first I just want to point out that I seriously doubt he full on forced her into sex. If she screamed NO and faught then call the police because that is truly raped. Him taking advantage of a girl who has low self esteem and wouldn't stick up for herself and say NO is different.

I would go through with the pregnancy and do your best. You won't even realize that that child isn't yours when you experience the birth and that child looking at you with such love. It takes a man to be a Dad not just a sperm donor. You are that guy! The Dad. If you are there for her then ti is YOUR voice the baby will grow to know not his. That baby will love you no matter what. When the time is right to tell him/her the story you will.

------------------
Marie
It's A Boy!!
Expected August 2, 2003

 
Old 04-17-2003, 04:22 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: NY state
Posts: 81
Evanescence HB User
Post

What you may need to ask yourself is, what do you see in the future? You love her, of course. But does she love you? If she really loved you, would she have lied to you and slept with another man? Being pressured into sex isn't really rape, it just means that, deep down, she wanted to do it. Or else, she'd have said no. It sounds like she has a lot of problems, and will continue to have these problems. She may not be faithful to you, or have love for you...do you really want to spend your future in a situation where you're taking care of a woman who doesn't respect you, and the baby she had because of her unfaithfullness to you? Think about it...its almost as if you'd be used. Used as a father and a caregiver. You deserve a happy life, and love. You deserve the best. Everyone does. And if you two together doesn't equal the best, then you have to let it go. Don't spend your life in misery because you love someone who wasn't faithful to you.

You feel that you would hate the baby because of the man that you hate...but I think you would hate the baby because its a reminder to you that the person you love was lying and unfaithful to you. That's something to consider, too. Also consider the fact that this man that you hate so much, will always be part of your life as long as you remain in this situation.

My advice to you, is though it will hurt your heart to move on, is to get out of this situation. Its not good for you, darling. You deserve better than this kind of mental torment. You should be looking forward to a happy future, not a hateful, uncertain one. I hope that my words don't upset you too much...this is just what I personally feel for you. I don't want anyone to be hurting.
=\

------------------
"You have a boyfriend, and I have...a baby and a Ross!"--Rachel
EDD 12/22/03
__________________
"You have a boyfriend, and I have...a baby and a Ross!"--Rachel
EDD 12/22/03

 
Old 04-17-2003, 04:34 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 3,326
Blastoff9600 HB UserBlastoff9600 HB User
Post

Lovelyme that are actually many shades of grey when it comes to rape. Date rape happens to be a rather colorful area. So it coudl very easily be rape. Also many women when it comes to things like rape freeze up and dont fight. Granted there are some who do fight and still get raped. Those are the ones that wind up with the most evidence of being beaten senseless so the rape can occur. For the others that dont fight it tends to stem from past problems(victim syndrom). Just because a person doesnt fight and doesnt call the police doesnt mean they werent raped. Also a person can say no repeatedly and still have sex forced on them. Just becuase they stop saying no and just lay there doesnt mean it isnt rape.
It is sad to think that some people dont see if as rape if a woman doesnt fight or call the police. Rape is actually has one of the lowest report rates when it comes to reporting crimes. Date rape happens to be right at the top of that list.
So please dont say it isnt rape if someone didnt fight or call the police. It is still rape...a person only has to say no once andif sex still occurs that is rape.

Your gf(or whatever she is to you currently) needs to call a rape hotline. They can offer her help in coming to terms with what has happened. Also she needs to be honest with her doctor and explain what has occurred and her mental issues. Her doctor needs to know what is going on with her on a whole to be able to help her have a healthy pregnancy. He/she can then suggest counseling to help her figure out what is best for her. The pregnancy might be a good thing for her to realize she needs to get her life straight. You can offer support and just be there if she needs someone.
__________________
Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02

 
Old 04-17-2003, 04:35 PM   #5
Inactive
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: La Habra, CA. USA
Posts: 665
lovelyme HB User
Post

Evanescence - On a more positive note, though, the baby deserves love and a future just as he does and if no one else in her life would make that sacrafice and he would then so be it. I wish there were more men like him!

Blastoff - I agree with you on the rape issue however this girl went back to him. No one held a gun to her head and he did not mention physical abuse or control. I based my comment on what he painted the picture of. It sounds like, though she was struggling with esteem issues that she clearly didn't choose to band him from her life.
------------------
Marie
It's A Boy!!
Expected August 2, 2003

[This message has been edited by lovelyme (edited 04-17-2003).]

 
Old 04-17-2003, 08:09 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 3,326
Blastoff9600 HB UserBlastoff9600 HB User
Post

That is why I mentioned the victim syndrom. People that have had abuse in their past(such as childhood..even though that wasnt mentioned)or mental issues can sometimes go back to the poeple that abuse them for various reasons. Some need the drama that brings in their lives or they crave love that the person offers even if it isnt real love.
Look at children in abusive families many will not report their parents because they love them and dont want to be taken away from those parents. Strange as it may seem it happens alot. Many times children will lie when asked about abuse from their parents. It is a strange thing but it happens. I am betting that this is the case with this young woman. Or it could just be a really bad case of bad decisions.
Also some people have amazing ablities to twist people into to being with them no matter what they do to that person. It might be a case of that too. There is no telling for sure since we are only getting one side.


__________________
Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02

 
Old 04-17-2003, 09:37 PM   #7
Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 6
picoflily HB User
Post

I know I love her. There is no doubt about that. What he did to her, from what I know, is push the idea of sex. She says she resisted and said no. He did not let up. With low self-esteem, she gave in after a while, but still did not want to. The sex was against her wishes.
My main issues are 1)How do I raise his kid without any ill effects? I know I can't if he is around. 2)Honestly, how do I not feel like less of a man that she is having his child, not mine? It might sound petty or stupid, but it is a real feeling I am having. 3) My family does not trust her right now anyway. They would like to see her gone for good. They are a great family who is looking out for me, so would she be accepted ever again, if I were to raise this child, knowing that it is not mine. Knowing that it is, in fact, his. They do know most of the story, so I am certain it would upset them, and most would disapprove of any involvement with her or this baby. I don't want to alienate my friends and family who have stood patient while all of this has gone on, but I don't want to leave her in the cold.
1)Raise his child?
2)Less of a man?
3)Family acceptance?
It's easy to tell me that I will get over #1 and that #2 is just not true. Easy to say, not easy for the mind or heart to understand.

Thank you so much for the input so far.

 
Old 04-18-2003, 06:05 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: NY state
Posts: 81
Evanescence HB User
Post

Its quite a situation that you're in, and I feel for you.

If you're not willing to give up, then here is what you should do. Stand up to that guy that you hate and tell him he'd better not ever show his face on your doorstep, ever again. We all say that physical violence is wrong, but sometimes its not. Give him a real threat. That will help you feel like more of a man, (although you are already much more of a man than he is...only a wimp (oh, if only we could use obscenities on these boards..) would push himself on a woman. He's useless and cowardly. Only cowardly men prey on women. You will have little trouble scaring him away.

Next, you have to make your girlfriend understand that she has to shape up. You should go get some kind of counseling with her. I know how it feels to have low self-esteem, and it doesnt go away. She has to get real, professional help. I suggest that if the two of you want to start fresh, and make a family together, then you move. Move out of town, someplace where you won't have interference.

If you get her in shape and you guys start living together well, and managing, your family will eventually see that she is good for you. That will simply take time.

But remember, she has to put forth the effort, as well. If she really wants you, and wants you to trust her, then she has to get her act together. I know this situation is hard, and I understand. But its not all your responsibility, although it is admirable that you want to take this on. It shows what a real man you are.

=) Hope this is some help, I'll be thinking of you.

------------------
"You have a boyfriend, and I have...a baby and a Ross!"--Rachel
EDD 12/22/03
__________________
"You have a boyfriend, and I have...a baby and a Ross!"--Rachel
EDD 12/22/03

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
What role does self.... evy38 Relationship Health 12 06-20-2010 12:16 PM
What a shock! lovemyhome Herpes 6 04-20-2010 10:51 AM
Secretly Found Out My Wife's Addicted To Oxy - What should I do? Help My Wife Family & Friends of Addicts and Alcoholics 12 04-19-2010 04:15 AM
pain meds, what would you do? monkey5 Pain Management 25 02-26-2009 06:22 PM
if its not schizophrenia what could it be? matt2.718 Schizophrenia 4 02-01-2007 03:29 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Seraph (6), cattieos (2), mumovhann (2), kittenkaboodle (2), Xkwizit (2), TwinMamma (2), quinyonna07 (2), Kali333 (2), hillarynotclinton (1), lovelyme (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1182), MSJayhawk (1015), Apollo123 (913), Titchou (862), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (760), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:51 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!