Hi all,
I'm about 9 weeks pregnant and wanted to ask a question about my relationship with my boyfriend. Before I became preggo, he and I used to have a couple of beers everyday and he would get stoned everyday while I would once a week. (We are young.) I've never had a problem with marijuana as it is an organic thing and I was raised to beleive the evil things are chemical drugs: speed, acid, coke, etc.
Well, since I've been pregoo, I stopped drinking and smoking but my boyfriend hasn't. I keep telling him he can't be smoking everyday when the baby comes because I want him to be a good father and not end up having an "accident" because of being high. I tell him he can still do it occassionally, just not everyday. And I've been harping on him because I'm tired of always being sober and him NEVER being sober. Like he'll smoke everyday and still drink his couple beers. I want him to have a couple of sober days with me! Anyone else having this problem? How do you deal with it?
Well, now he's depressed and says I'm trying to change him (he can handle the after the baby part, just not the NOW part) and he's very unhappy. He feels like he can't do anything right and I'm always complaining to him. What should I do? I can't ignore my feelings but I see he's soooo unhappy. Help!
I feel that you are justified in wanting him to stop..
I had this same problem..
Am still having it but not as bad... my fiance just drinks a few nights a week.. and rarely gets drunk. But it still pisses me off..
Its not just about hey I have to be sober you should too.. for me its really about Hey if you cant make these sacrifices for me and this baby now, then what makes you think youll be ready for the sacrifices that come with parenthood?
We fought so much about it that he just got worse for a while.. then basically told me he would do what he wanted whether i liked it or not.. I got sick of crying about it and left him alone.. now he just has a few drinks a week..
but i still dont like it.. and am not recommending that you just let him do it either..
If it hurts you, give him hell..
I have been there.. And I feel you have every right to do it..
I know I dont have a lot of advice to offer you..
just thought Id let you know yeah I been through it too..
He's basically doing well with the pregnancy.. just that one thing that bothers me..
Hi Purple! I hope this message finds you well. May I suggest going to see a counselor? Although you are not married yet, you guys can see a Priest (Catholic)or a preacher (different denominations have different people in charge) - - that is if you don’t have insurance, then you can see someone who is certified in the counseling area. Look, everyone (well almost everyone) has partied one time or another in their lives, but what needs to made clear to him is that once he becomes a father, first comes the baby and not himself! I don’t mean to be too blunt (get it LOL) with you, but it’s the truth. Becoming parents is a wonderfully but huge stepping-stone in the world of adult hood! Remember to have some patience and if you want to make it work and so does he, well then, you guys will definitely find a way. Also, in 10 or 20 years, you guys probably wont smoke or drink anymore, because you will defiantly lose the urge! Good luck to you all and take care!
We are getting married July 19th and are seeing the Pastor that's marrying us for counseling now. The thing is, I'm kind of afraid to tell him about this problem because he's an old family friend and if certain people in my family found out about this, I'd be getting a lot of unneeded hell. My boyfriend is a very great guy, loving, affectionate, etc. It's just that I can't stand always being sober and him never being sober, ya know! It seems too much to ask of him, and I think he's really having second thoughts about the wedding due to his unhappiness. Should I just let it go and hope that after the baby comes, he'll wake up? I'll just have to suffer my sober reality all summer long...
also
just to warn you
this will probably be one of those topics that will get you nothing but a lecture about how people who are on drugs should not be having kids,
or if he wont stop what he's doing then he's not fit to be a father
or something to that extent..
so dont expect to get just answers to your questions.. because theres always someone out there who has something judgemental to say..
its fairly predictable..
lol
one more thing
as you can see
also a lot of ladies who can be of great help
dont want to sound all judegmental myself..
a lot of the people here are lovely..
Username,
I'm not uptight - I know people have their opinions and I respect that. I was raised to believe marijuana is a natural thing - I am not against it's occassional use, especially when you are done with the responsibilites of the day and have someone to watch your child. People can tell me all the horrible things about it, tell me my boyfriend shouldn't be a father, etc. but when it is used responsibly, it is not an issue for me, regardless of what others think. Much of my family came from Amsterdam where it is legal and they just have the same attitude about it.
I am trying to be responsible by dealing with this issue now - pressuring him to tell me his plans after the baby is born. I guess I'm just jealous that he still does everything I can't do. It sucks!
More opinions to my questions are welcome!
"Should I just let it go and hope that after the baby comes, he'll wake up? I'll just have to suffer my sober reality all summer long..."
You MUST know, a baby will not change a thing (make it better)in your relationship - just picture your relationship now and add a baby to it. Good or bad, that is just the truth!!!! I've been there, done that and no matter what ANYONE told me or what I had heard, I had to live it out myself to learn that lesson!
Of COURSE it's going to sound like preaching because YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!! It's just the truth.
HI, How oftern is he doing this ? My partner drinks a couple of nights a week, but I dont mind at all as he works really hard all week !! He also turns into a ***** cat when he has had a few LOL He doenst bother me at all as in being noisy or anything...He usually just hangs out in his shed, which is fine by me as I can come on here without him nagging at me LOL I use to drink with him all the time and I thought I might feel resentful once I became pregnant, but he needs to unwind from his week and I dont begrudge him that !!! Like I said its only a couple of nights a week....Maybe you guys could compromise on how often he lets his hair down
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EDD 18/10/2003
ITS A GIRL
__________________
EDD 18/10/2003
ITS A GIRL
will be induced late Sept early Oct
I don't think that you are being unreasonable in your requests for him to cut back. My hubby is in the Army so pot isn't a problem. Although he has said when he gets out he'd like to have the occasional joint. I don't like that so much but we'll cross that bridge when/if we get there. He does come home and have a beer or two and that doesn't bother me at all. What does get to me is when we go to parties or BBQ's and he gets dirt drunk, leaving me to tend to the kids or guests alone. Plus for him it's a health issue. He has ulcers and more than once I've had to take him to the ER to have his stomache pumped b/c he was puking blood. I don't care so much about me beind sober all the time, but his health is important to me. I need him around for awhile
Luckyinlife was right, just add a baby to your current life and see what you get. If you don't like the looks of it ask him if you guys can sit down and try and find a compromise. Listen to him and ask him to really listen to you. You may have to given in a little as well or he may not budge.
I was reading your post and i am in the same situation as you. I used to drink with my boyfriend all the time, and now i'm sober because of the baby, and he just goes right on with his drinking life. He was practicaly my only friend because we hung out ALL the time, and now he's always out with his drinking buddies, spending all the little bit of money he has (he works part time at a pizza place). i'm stuck at home. He spends one maybe two nights a week with me, and all he wants to do with me is sit around and watch tv or rent a movie. and he's always tired when he decides to hang out with me.. too tired to drink, which is why he comes around. i am now his last choice, and i used to be his first. it is becuase I am pregnant and can't drink with him, and it really hurts. But there is absolutely nothing that can be done. I am now 6 months pregnant and he hasn't changed one bit. i get so upset at him, i dont know what to do. I have tried to end our relationship a couple times but it doesnt work because i am afraid to do it alone. If i say i dont want to be in a relationship with him, he says "FINE.. call me in september when the baby is born and let me know what you named him." When the baby comes im not going to put up with him anymore if he doesnt change. and honestly, i do not believe he will change for more than a week, then the novelty of a new baby will wear off and he'll be ditching me 24/7 again, as well as the baby. i'm totally depressed over the whole situation, he doesnt understand how i feel or what i'm going through, and quite frankly he doesnt care either. he doesnt take any time to try to figure out what is going on in my life. To him, it's all about the alcohol.
My theory is all guys are the same until you meet that one special person you marry. So i guess what i'm talking about is soul mates. and nothing measures up to that. The only advice I have for you, is to get support from other people as much as you can. And if you pray, then pray without ceasing. because every child deserves to have a mom and a dad... but not a dead beat alcoholic dad, that doesn't count.
i hope you are able to figure out what you want, and what you will and will not put up with. but it is great that you have decided to stop drinking for the baby, it shows that you really love and care about your baby already, and that is a wonderful thing.
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EDD Sept. 21
__________________
Tyler was born 9-18-03 my little angel!
I am kind of having the same problem. Except, I'm not preg. and I don't smoke weed. I used to, and I don't like him doing it now. I want to have a baby soon, but not right now. We have tried in the past and no luck. I also don't want him to do it anymore bc I am really worried about his health. And it's illegal and I don't want him to get arrested again. So, Obviously, I have no advice for you... lol... Sorry.
I think that being a father starts the day you become preg. He should imagine how it would be if he were the one carrying the baby and you still got to do whatever you wanted. Not at all fair~but that's life! My bf used to smoke weed almost daily and I just flat out told him that I did not want it in the house once the baby came. Thank God he did respect my wishes and always went somewhere else when he occasionally did decide to smoke. As far as the drinking, one or two a couple times a week isn't bad but every night~tell him to grow up and get ready to be a father. I had a friend who had to go get her bf out of a bar when she went into labor~and he was drunk. What a memorable experience of having to give birth to your child while your other half is almost passed out drunk! Good luck sweetie! If you can't get him to slow down, make sure you have a back up person to be with you at the hospital just in case he's tanked or too stoned when you go into labor.
HI AGAIN, I just read the other posts after mine and I hope you dont think I was being to blase about it....If my partner was getting drunk all the time or smoking weed I would also kick up a stink ! My EX was a chronic alcoholic and made my life a misery, thank god I never had any children with him !!! By the way I really feel for you tifftiff....I can understand your fears about not wanting to do this alone !! But maybe if you tell him its over and try and stick to it for a while he may come to his senses......and if he doesnt well maybe he isnt worth the worry or the trouble...Chances are you will get rid of him after the baby is born anyway !!! I sometimes try and think of things from my partners point of view....Maybe your boyfriends are terrified, not making excuses for their behaviour at all, but maybe you could consider asking them to go to some kind of councelling with you.....You both really need to try and sort this out now before the baby is born ! In fact the sooner the better, you want to be able to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy if that is possible LOL and have it worry free as much as possible !!! I was with a very abusive person ( the father of my son ) when I was pregnant and he made my life a living hell from beginning to the end of my pregnancy, and then after my son was born ! He was killed when my son was 14 months old in an accident and even though i felt relief at the time I know I will have scars for the rest of my life and that it all affected the way I brought up my son ! I know my situation was a lot different to yours, but the point I am trying to make is dont let these men affect you or your baby like that !!!! I stayed with the father of my son as I thought it was the right thing to do and it turned out to be the biggest mistake I will ever make !!! Let us know how you go
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EDD 18/10/2003
ITS A GIRL
__________________
EDD 18/10/2003
ITS A GIRL
will be induced late Sept early Oct
I am not gonna get all preachy either (for the record I am not against a little pot or a drink at the end of the day occasionally)
BUT.....
If your boyfriend is depressed over the thought of stopping for a couple of days, he HAS A BIG PROBLEM. And by default, SO DO YOU.
Think long and carefully, if this is the environment you want for your baby. Being around a chronic user 24/7? You have to be very sharp and have your wits about you when you have a baby. Would you feel terrible if there was an accident while he was watching the baby? Of course you would.
My advice is to encourage him to get help with his problem (AND HE DOES HAVE ONE) before letting him help much with the baby, and BEFORE making a commitment to someone who has a commitment to something else.
Hi! I'm going to agree with a point Neville made. I don't smoke pot (though I tried it in college, I REALLY hated it.... uggh. But that's another story) and my DH has never touched it. We were, however, social drinkers before I got pregnant. My hubby still has a beer or two every now and then, and I don't begrudge him those at all. He's extremely responsible with alcohol. And since we have had some tough financial times lately, drinking is one of those unnecessary expenses that he knows he can live without and has been. If he actually got depressed about not being able to drink as much, I would be worried that he had a problem.
My opinion is, as long as he can be responsible with drinking, perhaps you should allow him a couple every now and then, as long as he wasn't getting sloppy drunk. The problem with pot is that stoned is stoned, and it really does inhibit judgement. I would definitlely say you were justified in insisting that he quit smoking before the baby is here. Though I wouldn't use pot ever again, if your convictions say it's okay, just tell him he can smoke occasionally at the end of the day when someone else is caring for your child and responsibilities are taken care of. But I would definitely allow him the occasional drinks UNLESS he can't stop there, and has to get drunk possibly posing a danger to himself or the baby.
Lots of great advice! Thanks everyone!
Just wanted to add that he was never getting drunk. He's gotten drunk one time since I've been pregnant and I told him if he does it again, all hell will break loose! He still has one or two beers a day which I'm jealous of but decided to let it go. He's not a jerk or abusive and really is taking good care of me and my needs. I know he is stressed as am I because of all our wedding plans for next month!
Things have gotten better. We have talked about the marijuana and agree that he will cut down once the baby is born. He will only smoke at the end of the day, right before bed or sometimes on the weekends which is fine by me. I really needed to vent and see if any of you other preggo mom's are having the same issues. Thanks!
Am I being unreasonable? 
Remember to have some patience and if you want to make it work and so does he, well then, you guys will definitely find a way. Also, in 10 or 20 years, you guys probably wont smoke or drink anymore, because you will defiantly lose the urge! Good luck to you all and take care!
