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Old 09-06-2003, 09:42 AM   #1
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Unhappy Depressed New Mom

I had my baby a week ago and I don't feel like a mom. Instead I've been feeling really depressed and crying. My husband is great with him and I think he is a great dad, but as for me, I dont' know what is wrong. He is so precious and small and I wanted so much to be a great mom. But now that he is finally here it doesn't feel right. I dont' even know how to talk to our baby. I never know what to say. Except for hey and are you hungry. This is my first child as you can tell. I feel depressed and also like me & my husband don't connect really. I know he loves me and says he does but I don't feel it. Why don't I feel it if he says he does? At night he gets up with him more to feed and change him when he cries. I've been so depressed the last few nights that I just keep lying there. I'm feeling like I don't belong there w/my husband and baby. I dont' feel like a great person at all. I feel like me & my husband don't belong together a lot becasue he never seems to understand me. Even though I love him. Sometimes I feel so miserable with him but I know I will be more miserable w/out him. What am I supposed to do? Even if I dont' stay with my husband, I can't take my child either because I don't even have no where else to go. So if I don't stay then I will have to lose my child too : ( I feel like dying.

 
Old 09-06-2003, 09:51 AM   #2
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sapphyre
What you are feeling is TOTALLY normal. I know that it doesn't make you feel better, but please know that many many moms feel like this. I felt similar after I had my first son, it took a few weeks before I really had all the feelings and emotions that I expected to feel at his birth. Having a child also "redefines" your marriage, it really takes awhile to get used to being a family as opposed to a couple. I remember I felt very jealous when my first son was born, because when my dh got home that was the first person he went too, and for years it had been ME.

Baby blues are normal, however if you are feeling so low that you are unable to care for you baby than you should talk to your doctor because its most likely post partum depression.

Try to get as much rest as possible, because fatigue tends to make the baby blues worse.

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Old 09-06-2003, 11:40 AM   #3
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Post partum depression is very real. When I had my first child, I did not feel this instant bond and love. My husband said something about loving him on the way home from the hospital and I asked him how he knew that he loved him already. Well about 4 days after coming home I finally fell in love. I still had depression and asked my family doctor to be put on Zoloft for a while. Let me tell you, if I had known that was what normal would feel like I would have taken it many years ago. I only needed it for about 6 months. Do not feel ashamed or like you can't handle it because this is a chemical thing that happens after having a baby. Your hormones are going nuts right now. I told my doctor right off about my depression after having my second child and I started Zoloft again. Please talk to your doctor because post partum can become very serious some times. Women have even flipped out and killed their own children as a result. If you ever want to talk let me know.

Kathy

 
Old 09-06-2003, 04:30 PM   #4
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My son is 8 months old now (and teething so if there are odd keys in here its because I am comforting him on my lap
As far as what to say to your baby, yes the baby is new and doesnt fully understand what is going on, it is very important to keep talking to the baby gains communication skills, and learns your voice and can pick your voice out of a crowd of people. Something my husband and I did was kind of the same thing I guess you would do for a pet (NO KIDS ARENT PETS I mean talking FOR the baby, like if I didnt feel like changing my sons dirty or wet diaper, I would hold Tristan and say, "Daddy, I need a new butt" which we still say now and our son understands what a new butt means, changing his diaper And use goofy voices for the baby if you want to, and when you feel like you need to vent, who better to listen to you talk than your baby, the baby won't roll their eyes and look at you like your crazy, might fall asleep but thats different I didnt know what in the world to do when Tristan came, hes my first, and when we used to hand him to the other person we would handle him as if it was a bomb that couldnt be jostled, bumped or blinked on for fear it might break You will be a great mother, if I can be one and I thought I would be the last person to have a child in my family, then you will be a great one. You have a wonderful precious bundle that will one day sit on your lap while you are typing on a keyboard and lay on your chest and go to sleep because the baby knows you are there to keep them safe, and you are MOM... best of wishes, and have someone watch the baby, have a night to yourselves, relax with some candles and lobster! *thats how I went into labor* how relaxing is that!

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Old 09-06-2003, 07:04 PM   #5
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Sweetie, please understand that you are NOT alone. My wife suffered from ppd twice after my dear step-daughters were born and had to be hospitalized 6 times until they got her meds right. Not that this is happening to you...but it can be that severe for some. She would hear the baby crying when it was asleep (auditory hallucinations), thought she was a bad mom cuz she hadn't immediately bonded with her and that some other women in the family would sense this and take the baby away (paranoid delusions) and also was trying to breastfeed unsuccessfully (due to flat nipples). bfing is a low estrogen state and can make depression worse. Once she stopped and swtiched to the bottle, got some decent sleep and statred meds...all went back to normal very soon (within a few months). The best thing to do is talk to your doc, get help from whomever offers so you can rest or sleep whether they want to cook, clean or care for the baby. Be good to yourself, you are NOT defective in any way. Your body is going through hormonal and chemical changes right now and you will get better. This time around no ppd but baby has colic, reflux (we think) and thrush, so he is miserable and my wife is not getting sleep. She's sad that our son is hurting and she can do little but try to comfort him for a few minutes here and there...since either the meds have to work for him or he'll have to "outgrow" the colic but she is amazingly not depressed. The docs all thought 99 % that she would have ppd again but Jack is almost 7 weeks old and she is well. This is normal, but you could use help and may even ewant to join a support group for new moms so that you can talk to women who can relate. Just wanted to share our experience with you and offer some suggestions. Please be good to yourself (take a bath, get a massage or your nails done)and give yourslef time to adjust to motherhood. I'm sure you are a wonderful Mother ! Chris
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Old 09-07-2003, 12:46 PM   #6
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Hello like mentioned before it is totally normal to feel all of these things now. My baby is 4 weeks old I have been depressed and its my third baby not first.
and as for the husband issue I dont know you but having a baby can be very hard on a relationship. I wouldnt do anything drastic that you might regret later when you have time to really think about it.

Im sure it will all work out. it may just take you more time to learn the new baby just cause you are the mother doesnt make it any easier than for him.

it just takes time hang in there and enjoy the new baby and be glad that your husband will help out wiht the baby some wont even do that.

 
Old 09-14-2003, 01:14 PM   #7
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Hi, I have 2 children and never had ppd so I know nothing about it first hand. I do know how hard a new child is on a relationship and that it will get better. I want to include a true story I read in a magazine after I had my first child. A women who never wanted children got pregnant. She didn't think she would be a good mom nor did she think she could do it. After having her baby she couldn't see what the big deal was. The baby seemed like a lot of work considering what you get back. That night the baby stayed in the nursury so she could sleep. She was awoken in the middle of the night and told that the baby wasn't doing very well and they weren't sure it would make it. She wasn't sure what to think of this, but then she got kind of mad b/c the baby was perfectly healthy when she had left it. She got out of bed and found where the baby was. The nurses tried to not to let her in but she stormed in. Got to her baby which looked like like it wasn't doing very good and started asking what was wrong. Just moments after she spoke the baby made a miraculous recovery. They then realized it was the mother the baby needed. At that moment the women knew what all the fuss was about. She had just had a beautiful child. all it needed was it's mother's love to thrive, and that's what the baby gives in return. That was the moment she realized she could do it and was going to be a good mother.

 
Old 09-14-2003, 06:07 PM   #8
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Bless your heart, you are not a bad mother - you're tired, have had an incredibly exhausting few weeks, and are on a hormonal rollercoaster. All normal. Also handled differently by each new mother.

Call your OB/GYN doctor who is used to helping new mothers with this desperately unhappy feeling. As has been said, you may need medicine to help you cope for a few weeks - also normal. Call Monday morning, so you can be on your way to feeling better as soon as possible.

((((hug)))) Been there, done that - Barbara
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