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Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board
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Old 09-23-2003, 03:02 PM   #1
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Unhappy Was it rape?

For four years now I have been wanting to know if I were raped or not. I believed I was, until I told my story to my current boyfriend, who told me according to my words that the sex was consentual. May I have someone's opinion on this please?

When I was 14 I was out with a group of friends and after a long night of drinking one of the men (who I hadn't known previous to that night) proposed sex to me. I told him no, as I had never had sex before, but he insisted. I tried to think up a reason not to (I didn't want to look dumb in front of my friends, as they weren't virgins) and I stated that he didn't have any condoms. He reassured me that he did and showed them to me. Then, of course, I tried to change the topic, but he carried me to his bedroom (I resisted) and put me on his bed. I remind you I had been drinking all night as he had too. He started to take my clothes off but I kept telling him no, while trying not to come off childish. Finally I said "if you're going to, please use a condom" and at that time he put one on himself (which he eventually took off during the process.) After it was over I went home and never saw him again. Four years later I still don't know if by asking him to use a condom, I gave him permission. Please give me your opinions?

 
Old 09-23-2003, 03:30 PM   #2
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It is clear that you did not wanted to but "if you're going to, please use a condom" sounds like you reconciled yourself with what was about to happen. NOT necessarily implying consent.
I guess it is a fine line. If you begged him to use a condom then it leans toward rape if you requested him to use condoms then, to me, it seems consensual. But then again, I'm not an expert.

Did you physically resist? Pushed him away? Kicked? Bit? Screamed? Or otherwise resisted?

 
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Old 09-23-2003, 03:41 PM   #3
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I had resisted prior to him carrying me to his bedroom. He had made several attempts to make me go in there before carrying me over his shoulder. Carrying me in the bedroom was his last attempt because the struggle was becoming harder and harder and he finally resorted to that. I dont know if I begged or requested him to use the condom, to me it seems the same. He knew I didn't want to, as I kept repeating as he took my clothes off. I just asked him to use a condom because I thought 'if he is going to do this, I want for him to at least wear protection'

 
Old 09-23-2003, 03:43 PM   #4
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Let me put closure on my last comment, when I say I resisted, I mean pushing his hands off of me, trying to escape his bedroom.

 
Old 09-23-2003, 04:23 PM   #5
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Unhappy

R A P E

 
Old 09-23-2003, 04:29 PM   #6
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Thanks for your opinion trac...could anyone else please add their two cents in? Ive been trying to tackle this for years. Id really hate to cry rape if that wasnt what it was..........

 
Old 09-23-2003, 04:33 PM   #7
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Clear enough. The way you describe it sounds much like rape.

 
Old 09-23-2003, 04:39 PM   #8
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I would say that is rape - you obviously didn't want to since you kept telling him over & over that you didn't. It was obvious why you asked him to use the condom - it seems to me that you knew he was going to have sex with you weather you wanted him to or not & you wanted to at least be protected. That is understandable! No means no & that is all there is to it.

 
Old 09-23-2003, 04:39 PM   #9
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Im sorry, but I forgot to add another thing in: prior to the man asking me for sex, my friend and I stripped for them (yes I was a wild-child) and I feel partly as if the whole thing is my fault for being a 'tease' and now I get mad that I took my clothes off cause that 'made him do that' any comments on that? The question if it's rape?

 
Old 09-23-2003, 05:13 PM   #10
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I would say it was rape. You were only 14 and yes you did some things that you probably should not have done. I could see you asking him to use a condom if you knew that there was no way you could have stopped him. Have you ever considered talking to a professional about what happened to you? This is not something that you will be able to eventually just put out of your mind.

 
Old 09-23-2003, 06:29 PM   #11
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I'm sorry but in this situation it seems like NO really meant YES. IMHO, I believe this boy took advantage of your immaturity due to your age,and due to his raging hormones, of course you were put in a hard situation, been there done that. Hopefully you learned a good lesson. The only advice I can give you, is to be stronger and stick to your convictions, you will learn from experience and aging, also, please don't let this incident mess with your mind, because if you let it it surely will. Life is hard enough, there are alot worse things that could of happened to you, be thankful for your health, and get over this. I'm only saying this for your peace of mind. Alot of young girls have gone through this, boys can be very pushy, and you could of been confused. Good luck, and I am sorry for what you had to go through, even though, it certainly wasn't a positive experience. formerlsa

 
Old 09-23-2003, 07:33 PM   #12
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I am not mad at anyone for their response as I asked for everyone's opinion straight up and that is what I want. However, for the record (since I am not sure what was meant by that last reply) "no" never meant "yes" if having sex with a 20-something year old man when I was only 14 was something I wanted to do, I would have never questioned whether or not it was rape. I was young (I am a college student now) and yes I was doing things that ladies should not do (I realize that!) but I did not have feelings for that man, nor did I at any point want any type or level of intimacy with him. I am just clearing that up :-) All I am wondering is what peoples' opinions are on the situation as told, I am not hiding anything. Just clearing that up...

 
Old 09-23-2003, 07:39 PM   #13
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This "boys will be boys", "raging hormones" type of excuse is just ridiculous! What this guy did was wrong. She told him No, and he proceeded anyway. That is rape.

Lynn, If you haven't already, you really should get professional counseling to help you deal with all this. You don't need to spend the rest of your life feeling confused and guilty for something that was done to you against your will, that wasn't your fault.

 
Old 09-23-2003, 07:45 PM   #14
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Obviously, the type of answer I want is for everyone to tell it was rape. It is easier to be mad at him then myself. I was 14 and did stupid things but this man was in his 20's and I know he knew better! I'm just real confused on if this was true rape! And to answer some of your questions, no I have never seen a therapist over this and I never pressed charges against the man nor did I ever tell my parents.

 
Old 09-23-2003, 07:50 PM   #15
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Adding to my last comment, I never tried to talk to anyone (until now) because I felt shamfull and that this was my fault. I know in reality it was statutory rape (whether or not the sex was consensual) due to the age difference and I also heard that if the woman in under the influence and a man insists sex on her it can be considered rape whether or not she remembers saying 'okay' because it is seen as taking advantage of someone. I dont know if all that is true.

 
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