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Old 02-05-2004, 01:00 PM   #16
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Angel77 HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

Little miss Jen, you will hear me say this more than once, humans are the epitome of flawed perfection. Everyone has flaws, your flaws are no worse than anyone elses here, they may be different but not flaws that cause the pain this man is inflicting. It doesn't matter what a person did before, it does not mean it has to continue just because someone else wants it.
My little sister was raped on New Year's Eve 2000 and felt so guilty. She went to a party and was drinking, she began making out with a guy, but when it came to sex, she said no.....he didn't care, she made out with him, so in his eyes, he was entitled to the rest of her. She had so many people say she deserved it because she had been promiscuous, was drinking, etc......bottom line, no one is entitled to take from you something you don't want to give. You didn't give it willingly and that should have been enough.
I was molested on a few different occasions in my life and at times become physically ill and feel like throwing up.....my husband knows this look and once it happened while in the middle of making love, you know what he did??? He stopped, kissed my forehead and held me the rest of the night. Not a complaint, no guilt trip, not even a sigh!!! That's a MAN!!! Not this monster you're dating.
You sound like you've struggled a lot in life and find that sex is where you feel someone loves you. I was the same way...as long as I was sexually attractive, I was okay. Let me tell ya, I'm not a cute, skinny, teenager anymore and I AM OKAY!!! Flaws and all. In fact, I'm working on embracing my flaws because they are what makes me unique. Doesn't mean I have to like what I see when I look down, just know that I earned every pound of it, having two beautiful babies, beating an illness that almost killed me and fighting another that will never go away, but he loves me anyway.
You can find this and you deserve this. Listen to supertrooper, unfortunately, I think he's right. I've placed several dogs with women in your situation for protection and they've needed them. You need to keep a journal in a place he will never know and only tell those you trust where to find it, just in case. You need to document everything you've told us, even leave the health board address and the name of the thread for documentation. Write down anything that's fishy, talk to your neighbors and tell them to write down anything that happens that's related to him, call the police if they see him, and if you have any belongings over there, if they're not super important, leave them....possessions are not worth the risk to your safety. If they're important to you, take a police escort, but be prepared for the reproccussions, they will come. But this will happen either way.
You will not be instigating what happens, but be keeping yourself as safe as possible. The restraining order may not be allowable as of yet, but you can talk to an officer and tell them the situation and ask what they would recommend. They can also put you on their hot-sheet. We had to do this when a gang-banger threatened to kill my husband and chased me through a school zone, with my son in the truck. I kept the note book, called the cops every time, even if it was just to document it, and kept fighting back. My situation was different, but the bottom line is the same. You do whatever necessary to stay safe. He will eventually move on to someone else.
In the mean time, get some counseling and stay away from the dating seen until you know what you want in life and who you really are. You will tend to attract losers until you know in your heart your value.
Please also stay away from bars or other places that could leave you at a disadvantage. If you want to drink, throw a small get together with your friends and have a slumber party so no one is driving home drunk. Better yet, stay away from drinking all together. It sounds as if there's some self-destructive behavior going on here. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, please understand that. I had several times when I was in self-destruct mode, but the biggest threat to my life was me. Please take care of yourself and surround yourself with supportive people who are headed in the direction you want to be going. It will happen.
It seems to me that I read that you were only together a month, is that right? Or was it engaged for a month??? Whatever the case, get out. He's trying to blame you for the insecurities in his life, it's easier to live life when you're pointing the finger at someone else and as long as that person is not at fault, they're not responsible for changing their lives. He doesn't want to change, that's clear by your statements. He wants to control someone, don't let that be you. He will find another victim unfortunately. I pray it doesn't end how it sounds like it could. I think the longer you are involved with this man, the worse the outcome will be.
I don't think he's feeling bad at all. It's a manipulation. Someone can cry or sulk realisticly and not really feel any of those emotions, they're done as a way to control you and make you feel bad for this poor, wounded bird. In reality, he's not a wounded bird, he's a wolf in sheeps clothing. Sorry is not sorry if you keep up the behavior. Sorry is trying everything in your power to keep from ever committing the same action again.....not "I'm sorry until you come back to me, and I'll only ever be mean again if you........" Do you see the behaviors here?
If you truly see faults with your friends that will hold you back in life, it's time to change friends, not because he said, because you need to be surrounded by people who aspire towards your same goals, they will help you through the hard times. The only reason he's finding flaws and pointing them out is to make you doubt your choices. Once that starts, he can create self-doubt in anything you do. Physical abuse never starts with the physical. They break your spirit and your heart, then they break your body. And it's not just the physical violence that will kill a person. A person will die long before that when their heart and spirit break. They no longer live in the body, it's just there to take more beatings, until it too, breaks.
Don't wait until he makes another threat, it will be too heated and there's no reason to give him another chance, nor do you want to be anywhere near him when you tell him it's over. There's no safe way to do this, but some ways are safer than others. Maybe you should tell him something to the effect of you are trying to figure a lot of stuff out and just need some down time. This will tic him off, but maybe leave enough hope that you will come back and he'll lay off. If this works, get into counseling immediately and work on the final break with a counselor. The've seen it all. If you choose an all out break, that means no contact from that point on. Even if he gets your goat, it's still contact and he'll thrive on that. I'm not saying that no contact though will keep you safe. I just don't feel it.
I feel you are at risk, but you are more at risk if you stay. This early on, to show this much abuse, it's downhill from here and straight into the grave. Is it possible for you to move, change jobs, transfer to another place??? If so, do so.
Also, if he knows that you use healthboards, don't post any information here that will give an indication as to where you are. If he doesn't know, don't mention it at all, you need a safe place. There are also sites I found on the net that support domestic violence survivors, which you are/will be. Some even have an option where you click on a certain icon and it erases the visit from every place on your computer that an abuser could find it. Do you use a computer that he has access to? Call the domestic violence hot-line, it's in the phone book or a crisis line in your area and they can provide more help to you. I wish I new the names of the sites, but it was a long time ago and I'm not great at remembering what I don't bookmark..lol.
You have my sincerest hopes that you will escape this with only the knowledge of what to avoid in the future. I will keep you in my prayers and pray for your safety and a quick resolve. Please take care...we don't mean to frighten you, but what we all are seeing is evil in the making. Take good care of yourself, (((((((Jen)))))))......Angel
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Old 02-06-2004, 07:13 AM   #17
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Memilee HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

I just wanted to pipe in and say that I agree with everyone. Anyone is treats someone like that is dangerous, his actions will just escalate. PLEASE get out NOW, do not wait, and do not be with him alone again. Take someone with you or meet him in a public place, w/out an opportunity to follow you. Good luck!

 
Old 02-06-2004, 02:16 PM   #18
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nelzun HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

Thanks everyone again. Especially Angel. My first experience with sex was rape and I've had many issues with it in the past. I've noticed that the same men that don't believe me or act like I asked for it, are the same ones to abuse this as my weakness.

I am a really strong person, believe it or not. I've been through alot. It's just that I feel insecure about what I've been through and my boyfriend is using that to his advantage to make me feel small. I am not ashamed to admit what I have done and what has happened to me, but I am when the guy doesn't understand and twists me out to be something I'm not. I know in my heart it's not true, but it doesn't stop me from feeling two inches tall at that precise moment.

Believe me Sikandar if I found a nice guy I would be extremely happy. I am a fairly attractive girl and a even more beautiful person inside. I don't discriminate based on looks. I am attracted to people that I feel will treat me right. However, my current boyfriend seemed sweet, sincere and attentive. Maybe he was too attentive.

I've only been with him a month to answer one of teh about questions. It's just that I tell people up front my past to see if they have a problem with it. I don't feel it shoudl be a problem, but at the same time I realise that I do bring alot of baggage to a relationship and this must be hard to deal with.

Anyhow, I am leaving work now. But thank you all for you replies and I will continue to check in to be strong. I need to somehow figure out my patterns of relationships because this isn't the first time that I've had to deal with insecure guys, controling, manipulating and jealousy. I think alot of times I date guys that feel like they have no business dating me. They think I am above them and become insecure. ??? Possibly?? I don't know, but all I am concerned with is a good heart that I can love and can love me back. Career status and looks don't impress me. I am 26 years old and I just want to finally find someone decent to spend my life with. To laugh and grow old with. But instead I meet psyco's.

Thanks Again,

Jennifer

 
Old 02-06-2004, 03:12 PM   #19
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Re: Sexual abuse???

No you wouldn't be happy with a nice guy...not yet. You have to heal from within before you will allow someone like that to love you. You may allow it in the beginning but if you don't heal, you'll talk yourself out of being worthy of their love. I know this from personal experience. If you felt worthy now, you wouldn't be where you are now. You may know it in your head, but you don't know it in your heart.
Are you saying that your looks intimmidate them??? That's possible, but predators like your soon to be ex, are just that...predators. You can't create an insecurity in someone where there wasn't one...it was always there, they are just trying to place it on your shoulders.
I was so happy in the beginning with my now husband but for a while there I became so insecure, felt unworthy of being loved without strings that I created chaos and heartache where there was none and tried my damndest to push him away. I would always tell him he could divorce me and I wouldn't feel any ill will towards him. I felt I had to give him an out, because in my mind, he was only with me because of our son and would leave in a heart beat if it wasn't for him. I couldn't understand how he could want to stay with me. I was screwed up from years of abuse, couldn't adjust to his family because they were normal, resented normal family structure and relationships, and was having medical problems so severe they almost killed me. On top of that, they made me look like a troll. My hair was falling out, my face breaking out, my muscles dying, lungs dying, personality altered by anxiety attacks/depression/ suicidal thoughts/argumentative...you name it. I could now longer walk up the stairs and had to crawl...AT 19!!! At 19 they told me if I didn't do radiation soon I would probably die, I had a toddler at home, my body was falling apart and taking my sanity with it. We went into debt paying for my medical and emotionally we were falling apart.
We have been married for almost 10 years now and I'll be 27 in April and we made it. But the only reason we succeeded in our relationship was because he could see throuh me and my attempts to force him out of my life. It still hurt him and caused many fights, but in the end, he was more stubborn than me and was willing to fight for our relationship and my life when I wasn't willing or was convinced I didn't deserve it.
I love him with all my heart and couldn't have asked for a man with a better heart. He still struggles through the days with me and we've lost almost everything possible because of my medical problems and are now in a bankruptcy because of me...but he still thinks I'm worth it, and I'm almost to the point of agreeing....Not quite though..lol.
This is what I mean by you need to heal before you go looking for your soul mate. You will know when it's time. You may find him while you're healing, but even when healing and not completely better, predators will sense that you are well and will keep looking for someone who is easier to control and manipulate.
Predators hone in on our insecurities faster than anyone and can see ones that we don't "put" out there and that few see, even if they've been told. They use this against you. This happened to me. I was going to a massage therapist, whom by the way, gave me the creeps and I talked myself out of my gut feeling, saying I was just nervous because of my past. After several sessions and "assessing" my personality and insecurities, he sexually assaulted me. Before this, my friends warned me and my comment to them was...."If he's going to feel someone up, it isn't going to be a fat, frumpy, housewife!!!" I couldn't have been more wrong! They don't care about looks, they go for victims they feel they can manipulate and continue to hurt without being told on. They prey on the fact that you're so insecure that you'd put up with the abuse they dish out, rather than admit "you let it happen." Predators do it because they can...and they make you feel responsible for their actions. Don't give that to them. Don't rationalize that it's okay for someone to hurt you becuase you did something stupid in third grade...no one deserves it and nothing you do in life creates an allowance to be hurt more. It's just not that way.
You need to put yourself in situations (although right now out of your reach) that are geared towards what you strive to become...not just career or status wise, but for what you want to be as a person. This could mean church groups, young singles, etc. I do have a strong faith although no religion, if that makes any sense. I know what I believe and live it every day. If you have a certain religion you like, jump in. Almost all church groups have singles groups, young adult activities, etc. You are less likely to find a nut there than when drinking in a bar. Not only do predators use your insecurities against you, but in this type of situation where your guard is down and also altered...presents great opportunities for them to hurt someone.
That's not to say that people in bars or clubs are bad, it just presents a few more opportunities than usual. You also lower your guards when you drink. I have different beliefs on drinking because when someone is struggling with these types of issues, they tend to medicate with alcohol or over use it to escape it for awhile. I know that I get angry at life sometimes because it's chronic and incurable and I can't get away from it. Everyone else can go out, do things, truly live their lives and even my husband can escape my reality. I've been housebound for almost 5 months now and at times get down because even when I can get out, I can't leave it behind. But for the most part I don't mind. I'm quite happy with my life as a whole...but it does bite you in the butt occasionally.
You will do great in life if you choose to....I didn't understand what it meant when someone told me to quit being the victim...I cried for days when I though they felt I deserved to be victimized...it meant that don't keep feeling like a victim, carrying that with you every where...that's not to say that you can't be victimized but you can choose not to be the victim. Does that make sense???? It's a mentality, not an action.
Take care of yourself, know in your heart that you are worth it, always have been and always will be. How are you doing? Let us know what's going on...we all care, we're all here........(((((((JEN)))))))......Angel
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Old 02-09-2004, 05:24 AM   #20
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Re: Sexual abuse???

Dear Jen
I'm new to these boards, but after reading your post I had to reply. My first sex was a rape too. Fortunately, my family moved shortly after it. For quite awhile I went into "frigid" mode. I wanted nothing to do with sex (or men for that matter) ever again. When this occured I lived in rural MO and there wasn't really counselling for it, so I eventually had to deal with it by myself. Before the move, everyone in the small town knew about it. And it was hard hearing people call me a ***** behind my back, sometimes to my face. After a few years though, the "frigid" turned off and I exhibited the whole "nympho" behavior. Sex was just a means of getting some good attention, if only for a few hours. I was bitter, and tried to convince myself that I was using guys before they could use me. But every encounter left me emptier and I tried to fill that void with more and more sex, with more and more partners. This led me to a meeting that altered my life. While in college, a friend introduced me to a guy. I didn't think he was that great looking, or nice...but sex was sex. At first, we were under the agreement that it would be a booty call thing and that was it. He started buying me stuff, and expected me to be ready for him whenever. The bought stuff was nice, but I didn't like being tied down to one person. One night while I was at his house, he did something to my Coke. I don't know what he put in it, but I was OUT. He took this time to take some very...graphic pictures. Then he decided to use them as blackmail. Grrrr. I didn't like it (duh) but at the time, I had no idea what else to do but go along. He was constantly throwing it in my face "Oooh, look what a **** you are! Does everyone in your honor society know you're like this?" I let it go, and go and go. That was my mistake. By the time I finally said "That's it, leave me the hell alone, I don't care what you do with the pictures" it was far too late. He'd drive by my house constantly, he called all the time. Then things started getting ugly. He slashed all my tires, and my mom's. We reported it. That didn't sit well with him. It got to the point where I didn't want to be in my house alone. Some time passed and I hadn't heard anything from him. Whew, what a relief...the idiot finally got the clue. I went over to my best friend's house to hang out, when I was getting ready to go home...there he was, parked behind our cars. No way to get out. He started yelling and saying what a ***** I was and that I'd f'ed half the county. Things started escalating and my friend told him to get the hell off her property. Unfortunately, that really set him off. And before me or my friend could even THINK, move, anything, he had a gun to my head. So not fun. Apparently (and LUCKILY) some of her neighbors had heard all the yelling and decided to call the cops. I got very lucky. Anyway, the point of this long-*** post is to tell you Jen get out while you can. I made the mistake of "gee, should I stick around" and "Is blackmail sex rape?" Don't make the same one. You now see what COULD happen, so break it off early. Good luck

 
Old 02-09-2004, 08:25 AM   #21
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nelzun HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

Thanks Angel again and PJChick thanks for sharing your story. I know that I have issues that revolve around sex and I believe that this guy knows that and uses that against me. I do know that I play into the victim role sometimes, but I know I am stronger than that. I think I attract that, but when I realise that I have attracted another predator, I don't think they are prepared for me to abrupty leave.

I don't want to hurt anymore, or make excuses for someone's behavior. They either love me or they don't. But to blame their poor treatment of me on my past is not love. I have a healthy definition of love and I know that possesion and obsession is not included.

If this man loved me he would not want to hurt me no matter how good it made him feel physically or emotionally. He might not understand completely, but he'd be patient and try to work things out before he insisted upon sex that was uncomfortable for me. I know that much.

I also know that I am deserving of love. I am a great friend and person. It's always been in my nature to treat people kindly and go out of my way. Some see this as a weakness but I think I just need to be more selective as to who my kindness extends. (in the past I've encounted many friends that would abuse my good hearted nature).

Thanks eveyone for being so supportive. I know I have more issues than a message board can fix, but it's good to check the consensus before I misjudge warning signs and go along oblivious to the truth.

P.S. I am in the process of finding an apartment and I will let you all know the progress. I told him off and went back to my roomates house where he calls apologetic. Don't worry I'm not buying it. Love does not mean he can get off while I scream in pain.

 
Old 02-09-2004, 09:09 AM   #22
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Calixte_Silas HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

Wonderful!
Huzzah for you!
Keep us updated!

 
Old 02-09-2004, 10:24 AM   #23
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undercover angel HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

i posted at the very begining but have not really had a chance up until now to catch up on all the other posts. Jen-- you are amazing. I am not nearly as strong as you to get out of this horrible situation. You are going to do wonderfully, and you are going to get through this if for no other reason than you know what to look for now and you have sooo much support from people you dont even know (all of us!!) I wish you the very very best and make sure you stay away from this ****head. Much Love! Jacks

 
Old 02-16-2004, 08:05 AM   #24
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nelzun HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

Don't congratulate me yet undercover angel. I am still trying to squirm my way out of this relationship. We had a big blow up on Valentine's Day and I thought that was my out. He was asking about the rape and I mentioned that it was nine months of hell. This man molested me for 9 months after the initial rape. I was scared of him, ashamed of myself and so he was in power. I did what he said because I was afraid he would take it anyway and I lost the feeling that I had a right to my own body and to say no.

Well my boyfriend didn't understand this. I thought I already told him that it went on for 9 months before I got pregnant and had an abortion. He got really upset with me and yelled saying that he didn't realize that I "dated" this guy. He said that I sprung this on him and that he wouldn't have fell in love with me had he known that I dated a black guy. (first off, I am not racist but he is and he used harsher words). We fight about the race issue all the time because my brother is dating a black girl that is the most beautiful person inside and out that I could ever wish for him.

Anyhow I was in his car and I asked that he take me home. He took me to his house to grab my stuff because I told him I would not be made to feel like I was less of a person because of my past. I know that I am worth loving and nothing he can say can take that away. I tried to break up with him. He wouldn't let me leave though and I didn't have my car. He apologized later and just said that he never wants to talk about my past again. He said now all he can think about is me f#%ing **%** in his head.

I am scared he might do something if I leave. He's getting madder as I don't respond to his mind games anymore and he knows I'm on the verge of leaving, that I'm looking for the right opportunity. He can tell I'm not happy at all.

How are you doing, did you get away undercover angel?

 
Old 02-16-2004, 08:30 AM   #25
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Re: Sexual abuse???

If you can see that he is getting more and more desparate and angry - then why are you waiting for 'a way out'? Relationships aren't like law - you don't need probable cause or reason to leave a relationship. Sweetheart - GET OUT. Get your stuff, and Leave. Don't look back, and it sounds like a Temporary Restraining Order wouldn't be a bad idea to keep him away until he cools off.
Especially as angry as he sounds - don't wait for things to come to the breaking point, you don't haveto wait for things to get messy. Get out before then. Just tell him you no longer feel the same way he does - and it's time to move on.
Get a friend to go to his house and get your stuff with you, and make that the end of it.
This guys sounds dangerous, and hostile. Please don't wait for 'a way out' you don't need the right time, you can just walk anytime.

 
Old 02-17-2004, 02:11 PM   #26
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Emma2 HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

I agree you need to break it off, but you already know that.


I think maybe you're hanging on because you think he might change, or maybe its a reaction to the nine months of abuse you had(that your bf thinks was dating?!) Maybe you're re-enacting that subconsciously?

Really think about why you're not leaving him, and it's deeper than I love him...it has everything to do with you and your past.

From your posts I can tell you're very aware of what you should do, and know you deserve better, so what's making you hang on? Think about it hard, because that's the key.

Try writing whatever comes to mind without thinking...use this board if you have to...we won't mind.

Take care,

EMMA

 
Old 02-17-2004, 04:09 PM   #27
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Re: Sexual abuse???

Jen,

I read in your other post about your roommates. You mentioned your bf at that post and said that you have been together for about 6 weeks. 6 weeks is not a long time at all, and if it's like this now, it will only get worse. You already know what you want to do, now you just need to be brave. In a sense, I can kinda relate to you (when I was younger) and I used to at times feel like I needed to give my ex what he wanted to keep him happy, even if it meant hurting myself. I have grown and now I am stronger. I feel very free being able to say no. No is a very impowering word. It means that you have control over what happens to you. Can I ask how old you are? Girl, I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck and please leave him and your roommate and pick your friends like you pick your fruit. Find people to love you like you deserve to be loved.

 
Old 02-17-2004, 04:13 PM   #28
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Re: Sexual abuse???

One other thing...

My mom was in an abusive relationship and she needed to leave him. She saw the signs. She told me she was going to leave and started packing. She changed her mind and stayed and not even a week later he killed her. That man was in prison for 6 years and now he is free. My mom is gone forever... Well, until I meet her in heaven :-)

 
Old 02-17-2004, 05:24 PM   #29
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Emma2 HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

Quote:
Originally Posted by JayLynn
One other thing...

My mom was in an abusive relationship and she needed to leave him. She saw the signs. She told me she was going to leave and started packing. She changed her mind and stayed and not even a week later he killed her. That man was in prison for 6 years and now he is free. My mom is gone forever... Well, until I meet her in heaven :-)
Oh that's so sad JayLynn. I'm sorry for your loss

I hope this makes Jen do what she already wants to do, but hasn't yet.

~Emma

 
Old 02-17-2004, 06:09 PM   #30
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fuzzybagel HB User
Wink Re: Sexual abuse???

Honey, I have loads of advice...I was a victim of physical and sexual abuse for about 2 years, and it is mental and emotional hell!!! don't be fooled by a couple of sweet words and an apology...it will happen again!Second, when I had anal for the first time(which I cried about) I had a bad infection that gave me blood in my stool and bad stomach pains, like shooting pain...these infections are quite common, but for the stomach pain take prevacid, what you are experiencing is forced acid that has already been excreted causing an infection....please reply back if you have any questions, I would be more than willing to help you!!!

 
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