Thanks Angel again and PJChick thanks for sharing your story. I know that I have issues that revolve around sex and I believe that this guy knows that and uses that against me. I do know that I play into the victim role sometimes, but I know I am stronger than that. I think I attract that, but when I realise that I have attracted another predator, I don't think they are prepared for me to abrupty leave.
I don't want to hurt anymore, or make excuses for someone's behavior. They either love me or they don't. But to blame their poor treatment of me on my past is not love. I have a healthy definition of love and I know that possesion and obsession is not included.
If this man loved me he would not want to hurt me no matter how good it made him feel physically or emotionally. He might not understand completely, but he'd be patient and try to work things out before he insisted upon sex that was uncomfortable for me. I know that much.
I also know that I am deserving of love. I am a great friend and person. It's always been in my nature to treat people kindly and go out of my way. Some see this as a weakness but I think I just need to be more selective as to who my kindness extends. (in the past I've encounted many friends that would abuse my good hearted nature).
Thanks eveyone for being so supportive. I know I have more issues than a message board can fix, but it's good to check the consensus before I misjudge warning signs and go along oblivious to the truth.
P.S. I am in the process of finding an apartment and I will let you all know the progress. I told him off and went back to my roomates house where he calls apologetic. Don't worry I'm not buying it. Love does not mean he can get off while I scream in pain.
i posted at the very begining but have not really had a chance up until now to catch up on all the other posts. Jen-- you are amazing. I am not nearly as strong as you to get out of this horrible situation. You are going to do wonderfully, and you are going to get through this if for no other reason than you know what to look for now and you have sooo much support from people you dont even know (all of us!!) I wish you the very very best and make sure you stay away from this ****head. Much Love! Jacks
Don't congratulate me yet undercover angel. I am still trying to squirm my way out of this relationship. We had a big blow up on Valentine's Day and I thought that was my out. He was asking about the rape and I mentioned that it was nine months of hell. This man molested me for 9 months after the initial rape. I was scared of him, ashamed of myself and so he was in power. I did what he said because I was afraid he would take it anyway and I lost the feeling that I had a right to my own body and to say no.
Well my boyfriend didn't understand this. I thought I already told him that it went on for 9 months before I got pregnant and had an abortion. He got really upset with me and yelled saying that he didn't realize that I "dated" this guy. He said that I sprung this on him and that he wouldn't have fell in love with me had he known that I dated a black guy. (first off, I am not racist but he is and he used harsher words). We fight about the race issue all the time because my brother is dating a black girl that is the most beautiful person inside and out that I could ever wish for him.
Anyhow I was in his car and I asked that he take me home. He took me to his house to grab my stuff because I told him I would not be made to feel like I was less of a person because of my past. I know that I am worth loving and nothing he can say can take that away. I tried to break up with him. He wouldn't let me leave though and I didn't have my car. He apologized later and just said that he never wants to talk about my past again. He said now all he can think about is me f#%ing **%** in his head.
I am scared he might do something if I leave. He's getting madder as I don't respond to his mind games anymore and he knows I'm on the verge of leaving, that I'm looking for the right opportunity. He can tell I'm not happy at all.
How are you doing, did you get away undercover angel?
If you can see that he is getting more and more desparate and angry - then why are you waiting for 'a way out'? Relationships aren't like law - you don't need probable cause or reason to leave a relationship. Sweetheart - GET OUT. Get your stuff, and Leave. Don't look back, and it sounds like a Temporary Restraining Order wouldn't be a bad idea to keep him away until he cools off.
Especially as angry as he sounds - don't wait for things to come to the breaking point, you don't haveto wait for things to get messy. Get out before then. Just tell him you no longer feel the same way he does - and it's time to move on.
Get a friend to go to his house and get your stuff with you, and make that the end of it.
This guys sounds dangerous, and hostile. Please don't wait for 'a way out' you don't need the right time, you can just walk anytime.
I agree you need to break it off, but you already know that.
I think maybe you're hanging on because you think he might change, or maybe its a reaction to the nine months of abuse you had(that your bf thinks was dating?!) Maybe you're re-enacting that subconsciously?
Really think about why you're not leaving him, and it's deeper than I love him...it has everything to do with you and your past.
From your posts I can tell you're very aware of what you should do, and know you deserve better, so what's making you hang on? Think about it hard, because that's the key.
Try writing whatever comes to mind without thinking...use this board if you have to...we won't mind.
I read in your other post about your roommates. You mentioned your bf at that post and said that you have been together for about 6 weeks. 6 weeks is not a long time at all, and if it's like this now, it will only get worse. You already know what you want to do, now you just need to be brave. In a sense, I can kinda relate to you (when I was younger) and I used to at times feel like I needed to give my ex what he wanted to keep him happy, even if it meant hurting myself. I have grown and now I am stronger. I feel very free being able to say no. No is a very impowering word. It means that you have control over what happens to you. Can I ask how old you are? Girl, I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck and please leave him and your roommate and pick your friends like you pick your fruit. Find people to love you like you deserve to be loved.
My mom was in an abusive relationship and she needed to leave him. She saw the signs. She told me she was going to leave and started packing. She changed her mind and stayed and not even a week later he killed her. That man was in prison for 6 years and now he is free. My mom is gone forever... Well, until I meet her in heaven :-)
My mom was in an abusive relationship and she needed to leave him. She saw the signs. She told me she was going to leave and started packing. She changed her mind and stayed and not even a week later he killed her. That man was in prison for 6 years and now he is free. My mom is gone forever... Well, until I meet her in heaven :-)
Oh that's so sad JayLynn. I'm sorry for your loss
I hope this makes Jen do what she already wants to do, but hasn't yet.
Honey, I have loads of advice...I was a victim of physical and sexual abuse for about 2 years, and it is mental and emotional hell!!! don't be fooled by a couple of sweet words and an apology...it will happen again!Second, when I had anal for the first time(which I cried about) I had a bad infection that gave me blood in my stool and bad stomach pains, like shooting pain...these infections are quite common, but for the stomach pain take prevacid, what you are experiencing is forced acid that has already been excreted causing an infection....please reply back if you have any questions, I would be more than willing to help you!!!
I have walked in the same style of shoes you have on. I have read through all the replies and post and have not seen this mentioned and felt it was important. If you do not feel safe, do not feel ashamed to stay in a government safe house for a few weeks/months till the dust settles after you break up. I waws in a bad relationship and could not get myself out of it. He was mentally abusing and I was scared he would hurt me if I tried to leave. I stayed at a safe house for 1 month and it really felt good to be safe.
It worries me that I have the feeling like you are walking on egg shells around him and feel uncomfortable with how me might react if you pull the plug. Remember: Better to be safe than sorry...
Fur-ball you hit the nail on the head. The reason I haven't had the guts to leave is because I am afraid of how he'll react. When I've tried it's not been affective and it's been so horrible that I just break and give up.
Jaylynn - I am 26 and he is 30. (without a job and living of his aunt) Sorry about your mother. I hope to get out before he physically abuses me. I can't explain the control he has of me. I guess I just end up pacifying him because I want him to stop yelling and saying such awful things to me.
Emma2- I am not staying because I am in love with this man. I don't delude myself to think that we are in love. Love is not supposed to hurt like this. I don't think he'll change. In fact, I know he won't and that's what scares me the most.
Fuzzybagel- Thanks for your encouragement. It's been weeks since the anal thing happened and I had to take antibiotics anyway, so I am fine now. I still can't get over his reasoning behind hurting me. I think that's when I lost all feeling for him besides fear and hate.
I will keep you updated. I need to get this relationship over with so I can move on with my life. The minute that I say that i am unhappy and I don't want to be there he gets ****** and turns it around on me, like I'm seeing someone else or need my trashy friends back in my life.
Thanks for all the advice, keep it coming. I know I need to take action, I'm just scared.
Sweet heart you don't need to be scared. So what if he wants to say you're seeing someone else, or because you want your friends back. SO WHAT? Do you value this man's opinion at all? If he is as cruel and selfish as you've described, who gives a flying rat toe what the hell he thinks of you. Just leave! He's never going to let you go, you have to get the hell up and leave. He's going to try to stop you, and say anything he can to get you to stop and come back, he may insult you, or yell, or try to intimidate you. You just need to make it clear to yourself, and then CRYSTAL clear to him that he is not healthy for you - and you're moving on.
END OF STORY.
You don't need to care how he reacts, and you certainly don't have to make him OK with it, or even understand it. Leave him standing in the doorway wondering what happened if you have to, or let him come home one afternoon and all your stuff is gone, leave him a note if you can't face him in person.
The important thing is to get away NOW. If it's not violent yet - it can be, and soon.
Don't worry what he says or what he thinks - just leave. Ignore what he says to you, whatever he tells you to try to stop and make you stay - it's all gonna be bunk.
Please leave, we're all pulling for you.
What a jerkward geez....I dont know you or him perosnally but I think yo should leave his *** come on next its this but next it could be worse.Get out while ya can hunny...Thats so horrible~ Geez like it was even your fault!!! You could
pursue charges against him or tell your doctor.That is definetly abuse!
Im sorry to hear that
Best wishes
*~Jazzie~*
Exit the relationship... This will clear every thing. You said it ... abuse. If some body is abusing somebody, this equal to uneven and unfair situation. EXIT.. Life is tooo short.. And tell me , from where he gets the STD since you checked your self before...Thanks take it easy
I just read through all of those posts, and you have no idea how much I was hoping that, coming to the end, I'd see a post saying that you ended the relationship. I know it must be hard, because he makes you feel like you're going to hurt him by breaking up and leaving him. The only way you'll hurt him is by cutting down the ammount of power he has over the world.
I mean, he doesn't have power over the world, of course, but by controlling you, and having power over one more person, its getting closer to world domination. lol
Don't let him make you feel bad. You aren't doing anything wrong by getting out of the relationship. Of course you've had your bad past experiences. Hasn't everyone? Maybe not things that have happened to you, but its not your fault that you didn't see things until it was too late. Or couldn't come up with a proper solution until you had gotten yourself in so deep. But you've survived those past experiences, and this one is going to be a past experience too.
Just leave! I know its not that easy, but it can be. Tell him, "this is not what I want in my life. I am unhappy. I am sorry for hurting you in any way that I may be, but being in this relationship is hurting me."
I recently went through this and am still trying to get the guy off my back. Reading through all of these posts have made me even more angry with him. He was more interested in his sneaky ways of manipulation and control and playing that game than being happy even himself. But I finally saw that his controlling and game outweighed what I felt for him.
I hope you see by how many replies are on here, just how many people want to see you out of this relationship. Let us hear about how you got out of the relationship and haven't spoken with him for 2 days. It would be nice.
Best wishes to you. .... and when it comes to break ups, theres no easy way out, you have to just do it, and be firm, nothing he says can sway ur decision. You aren't looking for a judge to rule who has more reasons for the relationship to go either way. You have decided that you are unhappy. And thats final. NOTHING else matters. Don't even listen to what he has to say, block it out. just leave!
I have read your post and I find that this is really bad... as I read I was hoping to hear you have finally left, I know that it is one of the hardest things you will ever do, I can sit and tell you to just do it... But in reallity it will not be easy, he will use everything possible to make you stay.. tht includes guit, and pity.. please remember this, you owe him nothing.. He may not hit you know, but in time it will come. I have been where you are now, only I didn't leave right away, I didn't listen to people.. by the time I left him (6 years later) I was really messed up.. He had managed to turn my family and all of my friends away. When I left I found what friends I had where not mine but his, then he made my life hell.. I was stocked, he broke into my house, he threatened me... I finally moved 300 miles away, but it still continued, I left him 4 years ago... I can also say, I read someone said something about you not being ready for a good guy, that is true as well... I finally met a nice guy and we are now married, but it was years after I left my ex... it is and will be very hard to do, but it is important to do before it gets out of hand... right now he will be sweet and loving, because it is still considered the honeymoon stage... once that is over, it is going to get worse.. please please don't become another victim.. you owe him nothing, and as for the past, it is just that, the past.. you have a wonderful future ahead of you... look towards it not behind you....
I have read your post and I find that this is really bad... as I read I was hoping to hear you have finally left, I know that it is one of the hardest things you will ever do, I can sit and tell you to just do it... But in reallity it will not be easy, he will use everything possible to make you stay.. tht includes guit, and pity.. please remember this, you owe him nothing.. He may not hit you know, but in time it will come. I have been where you are now, only I didn't leave right away, I didn't listen to people.. by the time I left him (6 years later) I was really messed up.. He had managed to turn my family and all of my friends away. When I left I found what friends I had where not mine but his, then he made my life hell.. I was stocked, he broke into my house, he threatened me... I finally moved 300 miles away, but it still continued, I left him 4 years ago... I can also say, I read someone said something about you not being ready for a good guy, that is true as well... I finally met a nice guy and we are now married, but it was years after I left my ex... it is and will be very hard to do, but it is important to do before it gets out of hand... right now he will be sweet and loving, because it is still considered the honeymoon stage... once that is over, it is going to get worse.. please please don't become another victim.. you owe him nothing, and as for the past, it is just that, the past.. you have a wonderful future ahead of you... look towards it not behind you....
Exactly,
I had the same situation. Where it took me 2 years to finally get the strength up to leave him! He told me he would kill himself, he told me no one one else would ever love me, he told me i was worthless.. yet... for some reason HE could not live without me. We were together for over a year before he hit me for the first time and 2 years later it progressed to weekly rapings and beatings and the utmost controle that anyone could have on someone. It was hell. I lost everyone in my life. I kept thinking, "it will get better, he will stop, he will realize he is hurting me"
But you know, they DONT stop. They dont wake up one morning and suddenly become teh person you fell in love with at the start or someone full of respect. In almost every case I have ever heard of it only gets worse.
Breaking it off IS hard and even after you think you are through you have to be ready for anything! I was also staulked and my home was broken into and he actually hid in my bedroom closet and watched me before jumping out and attacking me. My life will never be the same. My advice is "nip it in the bud" dont let it get a chance to fly out of controle. YOu know how my whole ordeal started? I wanted to wait until marraige to have sex and he said that was fine.. then one day it all of a sudden wasnt. We had sex once NOT willingly on my part and I got an infection (grrrreat I thought) it became VERY painful to be touched there and my doc also told me NO sex for 6 weeks! When I explained this to my b'f he would NOT accept this and was very angry! ANY ONE who would make you do somthing that jeprodizes your safty is NOT worth your or your evergy! As the above poster said YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!
Somtimes the only way to realize you are stuck in a terrible cycle is it jump OFF the ride and look back. 20/20 hindsight you know. So get off and annalize it from the outside... what would YOU tell a friend if she came to you explaining the situation she was in (being your situation) would you tell her to get away> ?
BE carful there is FAR too many women in abusive relationships that DONT HAVE TO BE!!!
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The question is not, Can they reason? nor Can they talk? but, Can they suffer?
Re: Sexual abuse??? 
