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Old 02-03-2004, 01:42 PM   #1
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Sexual abuse???

I just got back from the dr. because my boyfriend sent me there to get some tests. We have been together for a month and sex hurts terribly around the perineum. Two months ago I was tested for std's including by blood and I was negative.

Anyhow, I have a mild infection and irritation and the dr. put me on antibiotics and told me not to have sex for about five to seven days to let it clear up so I don't re-irritate it. My boyfriend is ****** as I knew he would be.

He's very sexually oriented and wants to have sex three times a day even though it hurts me. So now we find the medical reason and he doesn't want to let me heal?

Also, he asked me if I had ever had anal sex. I told him yes, but I hated it. He told me that he wanted me to do it with him and got angry when I didnt want to. He said that he wasn't going to be less than any other guy I gave it to. I tried anyway and I was so scared that when he was first trying I freaked out. It did hurt but he says I'm a drama queen and got really upset because I excited him for nothing. He told me that I didn't love him because I could do it for other people but not him. So I tried again and I let him. It sounded like I was being murdered it hurt so bad. I can't believe he didn't stop. I was sobbing and screaming like I was being stabbed. And he still acts like I'm supposed to do this for him occasionally.

I got on the depo shot today so that I make sure I don't get pregnant and get stuck here. Other than the sex thing he's really loving. A bit jealous and controling but he's really caring despite all that. And I understand that it must be frustrating that he can't show me he loves me physically and us both enjoy it. I think that would make me a little insecure too. But what do I do? Any advise?

 
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Old 02-03-2004, 02:30 PM   #2
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undercover angel HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

What a jerk! No offense, but any guy who does not stop when you are crying in pain from something he is doing, is probably not a good relationship. I know how it feels to have anal when it really hurts, but i dont know what i would habe done if he decided not to stop when i cried out.

 
Old 02-03-2004, 02:37 PM   #3
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Re: Sexual abuse???

He gets upset becuase you're medically unable to have sex? Your doctor told you not to have sex - but he wants you to anyway? Tell him to do it his own damn self.
He wants you to have anal sex, even though you're not comfortable with it?
And then wouldn't stop when you were creaming in pain? This sounds like a huge red flag. Jealously, controlling? These can (and might) get worse with time. You might want to consider finding some one else.
At the every least - be careful. This sounds dangerous - and could get worse.

 
Old 02-03-2004, 02:43 PM   #4
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Re: Sexual abuse???

Absolutely it's abusive. What's wrong with this guy that he can't do without for a few days? Certainly if he can't abstain he can masturbate or, if you were willing, let you masturbate him. Given his attitude though, I could hardly blame you for not wanting to "give him a hand".

As far as the anal sex goes he is totally in the wrong for in any way forcing that on you if you either object to it or find it painful.

Why are you hanging with someone like that? Despite how he is at other times this paints a disturbing picture of his behavior. Be really careful.

 
Old 02-03-2004, 03:34 PM   #5
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maybe helpful HB User
Re: Sexual abuse???

I think you should get out while you can. It is physically abusive, emotionally abusive and could one day become worse. Dont take ANYMORE chances with this guy!
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Old 02-03-2004, 06:40 PM   #6
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Re: Sexual abuse???

My dear young lady, get away from him before he hurts you more than he already has, such a self centered person cannot be trusted. GET AWAY FAST!
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Old 02-03-2004, 06:46 PM   #7
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Re: Sexual abuse???

He is not sweet or loving in any way, shape or form!!! Run far, run fast and don't look back!!! Anyone who would continue doing something just so he could get off, at the pain and expense of his partner is horrid...no excuse for it. What would you think of your situation if you saw a dear friend going through it, what would you do.
In my eyes, this amounted to rape. I know you didn't say that you said no, but the sobbing and screaming said enough!!! For him to keep going is cruel. You say he's great in other ways except he's controlling and jealous....add that to the fact that he got his jollies at your expense, there's very few redeeming qualities about this man. You are setting yourself up for a horrid situation if you stay.
You are trying to justify the pain he caused you by saying you can understand that he's frustrated by the sexual situation. If it hurts, DON'T DO IT!!!! If it's a medical problem and hasn't been an issue for you before, he should care enough about you to wait. And his comparing what you've done for other lovers and not for him are immature, controlling and manipulative...no two ways about it. Just because you tried anal sex with someone and didn't like it, or it was painful, doesn't mean you owe him a damn thing. It hurt the first time.......it's gonna hurt the second time!! It's your body and no one has any business telling you that you have to give in to something, even if it's just because you don't want to.
Please seek some counseling so you'll understand why you allow someone to hurt you. You deserve better than this, but before you will get better than this, you have to know how valuable you are. Please get out as soon as possible, it's best to get out before any more damage is done and you get to a point where you can't find a way out.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but the gravity of the situation isn't sinking in and I want you to get out while your self-esteem is some-what in tact. My prayers are with you, this will not be easy, but it will be the best for you. (((((((Hugs))))))) Angel
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Old 02-04-2004, 06:26 AM   #8
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Re: Sexual abuse???

To not care about the fact you are in pain and to force you to do something you are not happy with shows that he does not care about your feelings.

If he did then he would do as much in his control to care for you.

A guy like that doesn't deserve you.

 
Old 02-04-2004, 04:37 PM   #9
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Re: Sexual abuse???

I did mention in a previous post recently.... Lorena Bobbit is my hero.
That is all I am gonna say.


Hoop

 
Old 02-04-2004, 06:09 PM   #10
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Re: Sexual abuse???

*Shakes head* NO ONE deserves to be treated this way. Leave him before you get into an even worse situation.

 
Old 02-05-2004, 06:38 AM   #11
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Re: Sexual abuse???

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know you are right and I have been struggling with this reality because I don't want to believe it. I do think I should go to counseling because I think my past has alot to do with the reason that I allow someone to tear me down this way.

Last night he got mad when it took me 45 minutes instead of 30 coming home because of traffic. Then I called him to tell him I was on my way over but my roommate stopped me to chat for a about ten minutes and I was late getting to his house. He made a huge deal about it, like I was cheating on him and if I wasn't why would I make him worry. I obviously don't care.

The arguement continued on into my finances, even though he doesn't have a job and his aunt takes care of his bills, he acts like he's in a position to put me down. Then he started talking about my past.

When I met him my friend had invited him and his friend Danny back to her house after the bar. Well I wasn't planning on making any kind of love connection with either guy. Danny wanted to give me his number so he sat in my car and wrote it down when they were leaving. In that event, he dropped his wallet in my car. He went back to my friend's house the next day to tell her and she gave him my work number. I tried to call him on Friday and give him his wallet but he wasn't home. I didn't call him all weekend, and he called me on Monday for it. Danny and I ended up dating once or twice. He came to my house to watch a movie and there just wasn't any chemistry. We kissed but that's about it. Then when I saw him at the bar again I didn't mind when he hooked up with another girl.

Then I dated my ex boyfriend. He and I had dated previously three years ago and he showed interest again. We had been friends through the break up, but we just hadn't seen each other in awhile. Well my current bf knows him too. Anyhow, it ended up that my ex and I had a few steamy nights and we were exclusive but after a few times it just didn't feel right to sleep with a friend anymore. We were more friends than lovers. He ended up dating one of my friends and sleeping with her and I found out one night at the bar.

Ok, that hurt. So I admit that I was looking to get drunk. This guy, my current boyfriend, asked me to a party and I went. I ended up taking Xanex while drinking. It was the strongest you can take. Well basically if it hadn't been for my boyfriend the guy that was feeding me drugs probably would have taken advantage of me. So that's how we met and that's why he says he trips out on me.

He says that I have always chosen other people over him. Danny, my ex and at that party he says I looked intrested in the guy he saved me from. He said that I was dancing with him. I had no idea my boyfriend was interested in me. I liked him but it was so soon after my ex had hurt me. I wasn't thinking and I was being self destructive. I have no doubt that what my boyfriend says is true, that I would have ended up in a bad situation that night had it not been for him.

Anyhow, he says that that image of me keeps popping up in his head and he thinks that he loves me but I am just with him to be with someone. That's how he justifies the jealousy and control and also why he says he feels I am not attracted to him sexually. I think he thinks I make up this medical reason just to stop sleeping with him. I told him no last night and he got mad again.

So there's the whole story. That's the reason that he makes me feel guilty and bad about myself. He says that he's in love with me and that it's difficult for him to deal with how I've acted in the past. I know it's still wrong that he completed the anal when I was screaming. And he still complains that I made him feel bad when he was doing that, like that was my intention. I screamed and cried because it hurt so bad, it wasn't an act to make him feel horrible. I think that's selfish that he would say I was making him feel guilty because I was in pain.

So there's my flaws and they things he throws in my face that he feels justify his anger. I am not trying to make excuses for him, but given the circumstances of my past do you all feel that his behavior is now understandable? I'm guessing still not, but I just wanted your take on things because he's so convincing that his thinking is right and I am wrong to feel abused.

 
Old 02-05-2004, 07:42 AM   #12
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Re: Sexual abuse???

To put it very simply there is NO excuse for his behavior. Even considering your past there is still NO excuse for his behavior. I suggest you kick this guy to the curb and get some professional counseling. Leave now before he gets worse...it won't be long before he starts to argue with you over everything and then he might hit you. If you care for him, then leave. Maybe no woman has stood up to his bull before but if you do then maybe he will get the help he needs. Do not go back to him if he says he will get help, that is a line my ex fed to me way too many times. Be strong for yourself because this guy is a loser. If you have family near by then rely on them for a while. Domestic violence lives in secrets, tell your friends and family why you are leaving him. It will put more pressure on him to get help and it will make you feel better too. Good luck with everything.

Daisy

 
Old 02-05-2004, 08:52 AM   #13
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Re: Sexual abuse???

Do NOT walk, RUN. As fast as you can, as far away from this guy. Make no excuses to him, don't try to make him understand. FOR YOUR SAFETY get away from this guy. He has control issues, which right now manifest over your sexual life, and your past. In the future it could evolve into controlling WHO and HOW MANY Friends you have, and IF you get to see them. WHAT you wear, WHERE you work.
Ever seen a talk show with a controlling husband on it? He controls what she does ALL the time, when she shops and sleeps and goes out with friends?
THIS is how it starts. You need, it is IMPERITATIVE that you get away from him. Not tomorrow, or next week. NOW!
He flips out about you being late b/c of traffic? Continuall holds the past over your head? He is manipulative and controlling. I can not express (as a guy) how dangerous this can be. Guys (can) be very controlling, very manipulative and dangerous.
Please please get out now.

 
Old 02-05-2004, 09:25 AM   #14
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Re: Sexual abuse???

Thanks again. I am going to get out. Wish me luck. Thanks for helping me see what I felt was valid. Every time I bring up the behavior that bothers me he makes such a logical case for why he's doing it. He should be a lawyer. I know I was feeling bad about it and that it wasn't right, it just helps sometimes to get other people's prespectives. I mean this guy is already keeping me from my friends. He seems to find flaws in every one of them to justify this. Granted I don't have the best quality of friends, but they still accept me for who I am and don't try to change me. He's even jealous because I want to spend time with my cat. My cat is home alone at night now that I stay at his place. She has food and water and I play with her after and before work, it's just the point.

So how do I approach the subject of leaving.? Do I wait until he makes another threat to where he says that I should leave or that he is going to and make my move then?

 
Old 02-05-2004, 10:14 AM   #15
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Re: Sexual abuse???

Do not, under any circumstances, go back to his place alone. Arrange a time when he will be gone and go with friends to pick up your stuff. NEVER be alone with him again. If he refuses to let you pick up your stuff go to the police and ask for an escort. Most police departments will try to arrange this in a timely manner. You should also look into what it takes to get a restraining order against him. You are going to need it. He will call you, email you, follow you. Protect yourself, please!

I'm praying that you have the strength to do this.

 
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