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Old 05-26-2004, 11:32 PM   #1
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HELP ME!was I raped?

night before last I went to this guys party at his house. After being pressured by the other 6 guys there constantly, I drank a lot more than I should until i was pretty much gone. I went upstairs and this other guy was in a bedroom with me. My friend (the only other girl there)was laying beside me with another guy. This guy started making out with me and then fingering me. The next thing i knew i heard him pull a condom out of his pocket and slip it on and then stick it inside of me without asking me if it was okay. we had sex for about 2 min without my consent of whether I wanted to or not. I then jumped up and realized what i was doing, and said that it was wrong and left the room. I dont know if this is considered rape or whether or not I could win a case with this information considering me and this other guy were both drunk ( im not sure if he was that drunk or not). also considering i put myself in the situation of being at this party with 6 other guys. These guys throw partys all the time and pressure girls into drinking so that they can have sex with them. PLEASE HELP ME!

 
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Old 05-27-2004, 01:12 AM   #2
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

I am sorry you had to go through this ordeal. You can pursue a legal case against him but I don't know how successful you will be. Whether you succeed or not, it all depends on the jury. You say these guys throw parties all the time and pressure girls into drinking so they can have sex with them. Did you know this prior to you starting drinking with them yourself? If you did, that doesn't sound like you acted very responsible yourself. I am not trying to discourage you from pursing criminal charges, but that is how I see it and that is how a jury may see it as well. I am not a lawyer but it seems to me that you put yourself in that situation when you could have easily avoided it by not drinking.

I am not saying it was your fault or that you deserve it, but you could have used better judgement. You might want to get counseling or advice from a rape crisis center in your area. They have more experience with these type of cases and situations. Again, I am sorry you had to go through this ordeal.

 
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Old 05-27-2004, 06:56 AM   #3
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Angry Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

I'm sorry you had to go through that also. You don't mention your age but I'm assuming you are of legal age. If not, the boys could get in ALOT of trouble. Since you went to the party willingly and stayed to drink with 6 boys I don't know if a prosecutor would touch your case. You also laid down with him and agreed to some of the sexual contact. If there was anytime you told him NO and he didn't stop there might be something you could do about it but it would be slim unless someone else heard you say it. Basically, it would be your word against his and sadly, in a rape case the burden of proof is usually falls to the victim. I know, I've been there. My advice to you, to my daughter, and all the other young women out there.....DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN AN UNSAFE PLACE. Alcohol brings out the beast in alot of people and it will cause women to lower their guards. Some men will take advantage of this. I shouldn't call them 'men' because they are really just scum that can't get a sober girl to sleep with them. Now see, I'm raving.....sorry. Just a touchy subject. If you feel you need counseling to get past this episode, by all means get some. It can help. Most of all, realize this was NOT your fault. You just put yourself in a bad place, that's all your guilty of. You do need to get over it. Accept it, forget it, move on, but learn from it. Take care.

Last edited by uchimama; 05-27-2004 at 06:58 AM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 05-27-2004, 07:09 AM   #4
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

I woud open my mouth, but all I would say would be discredited, becuase I am a man. *sigh*

At least some people realize not all men are like that...

All I can say is sorry. The guy did take advantage of the situation. However, I would have to agree with the opinions of the other posters on winning the case.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 07:39 AM   #5
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. While I don't think you could win a case in court, I definitely feel you were violated. It might help to talk this through with someone you trust just to help you deal with it.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 09:07 AM   #6
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

I am 17 and he is 18. I don't have any proof really just my word and my friends next to me but they might have turned on his side and i dont know if they would back me up.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 06:35 PM   #7
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

If you want to, you can confront him, and tell him that it was underage rape.
You may or may not be able to win in court, but that doesn't prevent you from telling him how it made you feel, and that he should be ashamed of himself, and if he had any self respect, he wouldn't be preying on other people who can't defend themselves. If you do, make sure there is someone around who will protect you, or several of them.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 09:40 PM   #8
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

You were being pressured to drink and you did not want to, Why did you not leave the house / party? Did the guys threaten you and said you had to drink or else? Seem like you were aware of what he was doing. You mentioned that he was making out with you and fingering you, then took a condom out of his pocket and put his thing in you. Why did you wait till about 2 minutes after he was in you to get up and leave the room? You left the room when you wanted to, did anyone hold you back then? Rape is a sick and heartless thing to do to a person, and all rapest should be locked up. that guy is an A hole for doing what he did, but I don't see this as Rape. He may have thought he had a green light since you did not leave or tell him to stop till after 2 minutes of penetrating you. Don't get yourself in such situations again, you can prevent such things from happening.

Last edited by Jah T; 05-27-2004 at 09:44 PM.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 10:01 PM   #9
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

i don't know~ i know what it's like to be pressured to drink..but i don't drink so much that i don't know what is going on around me~ if you do know that he fingered you and he took out a condom..then that means you are aware of what is going on around you~ and you didn't say "NO" when he did start..and he didn't prevent you from leaving..~ So i wouldn't really say that raped~ If you KNEW they are constantly forcing people to drink and have sex with girls..why did you go to the party knowing what will happen? Of course we can go on and on about what you shouldn't have done..but i doubt you'll need that kind of pressure right now~ Just next time don't put yourself in a situation that will endanger yourself. AND you should talk to school councelor or the rape association~

 
Old 05-27-2004, 10:38 PM   #10
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Yes, you were.

I'd probably have to go along with the folks who are saying the guy probably wouldn't be convicted, but I'd have to disagree with those who say you weren't raped.
There's a thing required nowadays in most 'western' countries (US, Canada, UK) called CONSENT. Consent is not the failure to resist. Consent is not the absence of the word "no." And most importantly in your case, a person who is extremely intoxicated is deemed to NOT BE ABLE to give consent, therefore in your case, it was rape.

Now this is a legal thing, in the books, and the laws are all very clear on it, but when it comes to the actual trials, this is where the 'he said she said' comes into it. How drunk were you? Did he know you were drunk? Did he have reason to think you were capable of consent? etc etc.

The laws are clear, but unfortunately there are still people like Jah-T around who don't know them and think you actually have to fight and say no for it to be rape.

What's scary is that these guys think that by getting the girls drunk they are avoiding any accusation of rape (since the girls aren't fighting) while in reality, they are still breaking the law. Maybe you should report their activities to put a little fear into them. Not in the hopes that they'll get convicted, but that at least they will stop. Oh, and just to add: the charge is "rape by intoxication" is a more serious crime than just rape, if your location has that charge. Given your claim that this is their goal, it could be quite serious for them.

 
Old 05-27-2004, 11:21 PM   #11
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

Iím very sorry for what happened to you. There are guys out there that think that unless you clearly say no, that whatever they are doing is ok. I know that at first you may not have said no because sometimes things just seem so surreal and you just canít believe they are happening, but you did the right thing by getting up and walking out. Luckily he wasnít aggressive and came after you. Unfortunately, I donít think you would win in a rape case. You have your word and possibly the people beside you, but without hard evidence, he most likely wouldnít be convicted. Unless you find out that he has done that to other girls, your word probably isnít enough.

In the future, be aware of your surroundings when you are drinking. You need to take care of yourself at a party. Be weary if there is a massive male to female ratio. Make sure you have a friend along so that you both can keep an eye on each other and talk to each other before one goes to a different room with a guy. Be careful how much you drink and NEVER put down your drink or allow a guy to get you a drink. This way you know what you have and neednít be worried he put something in it.
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Old 05-28-2004, 06:54 AM   #12
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

I am really sorry that you have to go through this but It seems to me that you never once said NO to him, when you realised what was going on you got up and left, at that point you should have gone directly to the hospital because now you really have no proof that this happened.
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Old 05-28-2004, 10:27 AM   #13
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

Sorry to hear about what happened. But I wouldn't really count that as being Raped. If you were so waisted that you didn't know what was going on then yeah that would be raped. But you let him kiss you, you let him finger you, and when you heard the condom you didn't say anything. You kept going along untill you decieded it was wrong. Im friends with all guys an I've been there (not slept with them) they all work the same way- Move more and more and see how much you can get out of it ya know. Just seems like you knew exactly what was happening You were intoxicated but it dosn't seem like it was forced and I think that he must have believed by your body Language that it was ok and you didn't like it till it already happened. So technically you were just uncomfortable after it happened. If you said no.. tried to push him off.... didn't go willingly to a room and laid down then i'd have considered that rape and especially with your friend and another guy laying next to you- If you weren't comfortable with what was happening you'ld have had one of them help you. Sorry i don't believe that situation will hold up in a court room with all that you remember and didn't try to stop till you knew it was wrong. Hopefully everything works out ok for you. Just remember Next time- Don't drink unless you are with people you can trust!

 
Old 05-29-2004, 01:15 PM   #14
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

Just because a guy was drunk doesn't mean he didn't rape you. If you are drunk and you get behind the wheel and kill someone you are held accountable for those deaths, whether you meant to kill them or not. A person doesn't have to know what they are doing to rape you, but that is something that would be taken into consideration in a court of law, when considering the legal ramifications of whether or not he committed a crime. You would not win damages against this man. However, if you did not know what was going on when you were making out then yes you were raped. The "this is how men are and you should have known that and you should have known you were putting yourself in a dangerous position and you should have given him different signals" argument wouldn't hold with me. I don't make excuses for men's behavior...that men are violent, or that men are dangerous, or that you should know what signals to give men and what not to, or that if you walk down a dark alley at night you are "asking for it", because not all men are like that and even if most men are violent or very sexual it does not make crime excusable. If you were raped, you were raped. Yes laying down on the bed, "letting" him finger you or kiss you or otherwise make out with you may have given him signals that it was "ok" to continue to sex, but if there was no verbal communication or if he said "why don't you go lay down" or something other than sexual verbal communication then you were taken advantage of, in my opinion. "Rape" is a word that connotates aggression and violence but this is not always the case. However, these people are right, your case will not hold in a court of law, but I believe that yes, you were coerced, or taken advantage of, and "raped".

 
Old 05-29-2004, 01:34 PM   #15
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Re: HELP ME!was I raped?

For example, there was a case in the news recently where a dentist gave his (female) patient an injection of a drug, which did not produce loss of consciousness, but made her pretty much oblivious to what was really going on. He fingered her. Took pictures of her nude and in sexual positions, and then proceeded to have sex with her. She didn't fight back, she didn't struggle, but when she realized what was going on she pressed charges. That is clearly rape. Signficant amounts of alcohol can have similar affects on judgment, and ability to determine what is going on around you (and impaired reaction time). It doesn't matter that he made out with her first, or fingered her first before "proceeding" to sex.

If you are going to say she should have known not to put herself in that position then he should have known that having sex with someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol is not a good idea and he should not have put himself in the position where that might have happened by drinking. So it is his fault and I think he should be held accountable, but in a court of law it would be your word against his and no way to prove what happened.

Last edited by prometheus; 05-29-2004 at 01:42 PM.

 
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