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Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board
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Old 08-18-2004, 07:45 AM   #1
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etdawn1 HB User
possible sexual abuse

Hello..i dont know if this is the right boards to post on, but i will try...

i have recently had unsettling feelings about my childhood. I am currently in counseling but I can not remember definate sexual abuse. I remember my father 'french kissing' me when i was younger, done sort of jokinly. The therapist says i have signs of abuse, such as self mutilation (i used to cut), being bisexual, i would sometimes cry during sex, depressed, not remembering my childhood. There is a picture i have of me sitting on my fathers and uncles lap and i cringe when i see it. i dont know if that means anything. I am just scared to put memories there when it didnt happen, or scared to actaully realize it did happen. I no longer talk to my father due to other reasons, and i dont want to talk to my mom or sis about it till i know something definate...can someone please help? tia!!

 
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Old 08-23-2004, 08:33 PM   #2
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katiekate HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

hi. I am going through the same thing right now. I used to have nightmares about two men in my past molesting me. I've only had like three of them but the first nightmare occurred when I was only ten. I have also cut for 8 years and show other signs of sexual abuse (casual sex to feel close to someone, fear of intimacy-emotional). I do not speak with either of the men (one being my father) for other reasons not suspected abuse. I haven't talked to my sister about it because I'm afraid that I'm making it up but my mother says she can't remember anything ever happening to me. I haven't gone to counseling for this yet, but I would definately be interested to hear what your other symptoms are...

 
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Old 08-26-2004, 03:17 PM   #3
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Tanki HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now.

Sometimes your memories are buried for a reason. You cannot force a memory to come out , they will come when they are ready to, until you are ready to deal with them. It's good that you are in therapy discussing this with someone who is a professional.

I know how hard it is trying to remember, some things I still don't recall with my abuse that happened 8 years ago. Maybe I did recover them all I don't know... but the more you try and force out that memory the more dammage you are actually doing, you are pushing it further back into your mind ,this can't be forced. Maybe therapy will help to recover them... but it takes time, and you will remember again, and it could be painful, but know when they do pop up and start to deal with them, you will begin to heal and move past this. Time does heal, it took me 8 years to be free of PTSD from my past abuse, rape and assaults... But i'm free now, you will be too.

You are bound to hit walls we all do in recovery, but keep trudging forward no matter how hard it gets, and never give up.
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Old 10-13-2004, 06:25 PM   #4
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meg0004 HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

hey hun.
i know pretty much wat ur going through i am 16 yrs old when i was forteen my very close uncle melested me twice a night for a couple of days starting from christmas to the day after boxing day. I used to withdrawl from ppl, i give my body freerky to anyone now ,i hate older men,i cringe when my dad touches me,but i found help. Not a counsellor, not a friend ...but God. Hes alwaysb there ...even when no other man is. He loves you ,he died for yiou, most of all he heals. If u already are not a christain ..i suggest even for a lil while attened a local chruch ,talk to a minister ..i go to a Pentacoastal church ..their very down to earth .not that formal and love God.

Praying for yah hun
megh

 
Old 10-22-2004, 06:56 PM   #5
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sissydkeeney200 HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

Yeah me to-i have been molested and raped as an adult!I have PTSD to,i have been in counselling 8 years now and have been clean and sober 8 years as of Nov.10.My alcohol abuse and drug addiction were a result of my trying to cover up the memories of abuse.It was how i coped before i was ready to finally deal with what happened to me and the abuse i witnessed as well.Without counselling,God, and aa i dont know where id be today(probably dead).Help is out there-its not easy having to re-feel all that happened but willingness to go through it and not giving up on myself is now paying off! Good luck and God Bless to anyone who has or will be going down this road.Just know you are not alone!

 
Old 01-23-2005, 03:21 PM   #6
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katie29 HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

HI et dawn. Was wondering if u ever found an answer to that? I am searching the net tonight for answers to the very same question. I am in counselling as well and have lots of indications of abuse but no actual recollection as such and the memories I do have I am wondering if I am manipulating my memory in some way to legitimise certain things in my life...social isolation, addictions, zero contact with anyone in my immediate family, extremes of promiscuity and celibacy, constant unease around my father, never wanting to be alone with him (before I broke all contact) never ever having a proper conversation with him?? Im 30 and really feel like I am going mad. I cant trust myself.

 
Old 01-28-2005, 05:20 PM   #7
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watermln76 HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

Thank you Tanki for your response, it actually helped me as well, to realize that hey, maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know i was molested by my father and am starting to think other men as well, when i was very young. As you said etdawn1, i at first did not have any memories and felt guilty about feeling that way when i did not have proof. Soon none of that mattered because trust me you will know, you will feel it in your soul, and will not be able to deny it. For me that brought relief and sadness, anger, the whole shabang, but Tanki is right, just let it come out when it is ready. Not remembering is our brains own way of protecting us and helping us survive until we are strong enough to remember small things at a time. My mom as well swears that she did not have any idea that anything was going on, but it does not mean that nothing did. Pretty much any child my father got his hands on was a victim and he actually went to jail. No justice in my mind compared to what we have to live with and heal from. So etdawn1, the way i see it, your family is supposed to be there for you and support you but unfortunately the world is not that perfect. The most important thing is that you believe you and make sure to keep getting support from outside. But as i read your message again, your situation reminds me a lot of mine, i do not remember my life before the age of 11 or so, hate seeing pics with my dad and so on. Just know you are not alone. I am 28 years old and i only started wondering if something happened to me when i was about 23 or so and now i am on medication for depression and PTSD, but i know it is a journey and take one day at a time!!! Good luck, stay strong, and keep believing in yourself.
Watermln76
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