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Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board
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Old 08-18-2004, 07:04 AM   #1
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etdawn1 HB User
possible sexual abuse

Hello..i dont know if this is the right boards to post on, but i will try...

i have recently had unsettling feelings about my childhood. I am currently in counseling but I can not remember definate sexual abuse. I remember my father 'french kissing' me when i was younger, done sort of jokinly. The therapist says i have signs of abuse, such as self mutilation (i used to cut), being bisexual, i would sometimes cry during sex, depressed, not remembering my childhood. There is a picture i have of me sitting on my fathers and uncles lap and i cringe when i see it. i dont know if that means anything. I am just scared to put memories there when it didnt happen, or scared to actaully realize it did happen. I no longer talk to my father due to other reasons, and i dont want to talk to my mom or sis about it till i know something definate...can someone please help? tia!!

 
Old 08-21-2004, 10:55 AM   #2
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fazio HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

Hi etdawn1,

I am soo sorry to hear of your quandary and have real compassion for any child who has been sexually abused. Don't know if I can be of any help as I am not a professional, but do have a suggestion. There is a book which you can get at the library called "Sins of the Father". The author is Eileen Franklin and
William Wright. This book deals with repressed memory. It is a true story, non fiction.
I wish you the very best and God Bless You!

Sincerely,

Fazio

 
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Old 08-21-2004, 06:56 PM   #3
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messy HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

Hi hun

I badly want to say to you that you could be mistaken or everything in your childhood was innocent etc, unfortunately though, from the things you described, I dont think I can say that for sure. You said you actually remember your dad kissing you inappropiately, and the fact that you cringe when getting that picture of sitting on their laps must mean that something was not right, even if you dont remember it exactly. Sexual abuse in particular has a cruel way of making you forget, but still somewhat aware of horrible things that have happened; yet also may still come back to you in the form of flashbacks and images that you cant seem to relate anything to. Especially of course, if you were very young. Im so sorry youre struggling with these feelings and trying to discover what they mean. I pray that you can find some meaning in all this with the help of your therapist; he/she seems to be accurate in picking up on certain things that are typical of abuse- or at least the fact that youve been experiencing things that seem unlikely to occur for no real reason-such as crying during sex. I totally understand your worry about mentioning any of this to your mum and sis until you feel you have a 'definite' answer, sadly though hunny theres no one here who can give you a definite answer; only you can work through what you feel with the help of your therapist to find the answers you need. Do you feel you really want to know what, if anything, did happen in order to move on? Or would you feel better to leave the matter open without remembering too much? I guess that has to be a very personal decision, not everyone would be the same there.
Hunny, just to let you know I do talk very much from experience here so can recognise the signs and symptoms. I went through over 4 years of sexual abuse as a child, I also self harm, and also have a terrible fear of sex. I wont let any guy near me any more, I just dont want to know. (No wonder Im still single eh, lol). However I was old enough to remember the whole experience; Im very much concerned for you because having some feelings come back in dribs and drabs, without knowing the whole truth, must be doubly traumatic. I hope so much you can find your best way of coming to terms with this whole situation, in whatever you conclude from delving into your past. Personally, in all honesty, with sexual abuse I cant say the wounds just disappear as you cant just burn distressing memories out of your head, but you CAN learn to heal.
Can I ask- have you been thinking about these feelings for some time or is it only just recently? In either case, what do you think triggered them off exactly? I just ask cos in many cases if abuse has occurred, you might be totally numb for years and if the feelings come out later on- it might be your personal time for healing. Well Im thinkin of you hun, please do write again to let us know how you are doing. Im here if you want to talk more about it to someone who knows Peace out,
love michelle

 
Old 08-22-2004, 06:37 PM   #4
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tcb287 HB User
Re: possible sexual abuse

The same thing happened to my mother. She led a normal life but was afraid of commitment and men, even when she married my dad. I have never spoken to her about this, because I was too young to know when she died. Supposedly, when she was pregnant with me, she just "knew" that I was a girl and she started to be afraid. She did not know why she was scared. When I was born, she began fearing that I was going to be sexually abused, but she started remembering bits and pieces of episodes when she was sexually abused by her grandfather. If you have any recollection of being sexually abused by your father, it very well could have happened, even if you don't remember it clearly. You probably started blocking it out of your mind when you realized that the man you trusted was doing you harm. I am so sorry to hear about this and good luck with finding answers.

 
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