Just a little background information on me.. Im a 21 year old female, and experiencing some weird things lately.
Ok so let me start by asking if it is possible to suppress memories or, somehow create them? Im trying to figure out if I was, in fact, sexually abused when I was in pre-school. I have a terrible memory..Im not sure if Its because I have blocked out alot of things, Or because I just, well- Have a bad memory. Alot of childhood memories are just gone. Cant remember. But one thing that sticks out to me, is this image of me in the pre-school I attended (my mom took me out within a month because they were ridiculously irresponsible and I kept getting sick). The memory consists of a dark room, and me sitting on a table with 2 females (the daycare workers). My shirt gets taken off, and then all I remember is my mom coming to pick me up, and the one female told her "We washed under those little arms today!!" and that was that.
As a child, I was a total tomboy, I liked girls and wanted to be a boy. (I used to never wear shirts and wanted to stomp around and climb trees) I was shy, and overly aware of sex and knew too much at about the age of 5.
Time went on, and in high school I was sexually abused by a classmate (captain of the football team, no less..so all teachers just adored his big dumb A--), under the table, in the hallway, and pretty much wherever we ended up being near one another... for about 6 weeks straight. I dont want to give details b/c it might be offensive to some..but after awhile of it happening..I told my teacher (who always played movies to keep the class quiet and then read a newspaper...), he told me that "Well what did you do to provoke him? You wear skirts. Dont wear skirts. These are teenage boys." .....and THAT, was THAT. (I failed that class as well, because I could never pay attention..and constantly had this kid telling me that I should never go near his truck because he would grab me and rape me and then told me the details of what he wanted to do..)
So now here I am, 21.. And very, very confused. I wanted to know if this could affect someone psychologically? What kind of things could happen to someone from these types of ordeals? It has been bothering me alot lately.. and making me feel like I cant function with guys. (I still like girls, but prefer boys..Do you think that had something to do with my experiences?)
My main question.. Is could my mind possibly have created this memory or do you think it pretty much happened? I honestly cant tell.. But I definately have taken psychology and learned about kids who were sexually abused and I had so many of the "symptoms". I feel like these experiences are starting to surface after such a long time, and Its really making me crazy.
Im afraid to go to a psychologist.. What kind of things would they do??
Thank you for any help you can provide. I really appreciate it.
It sounds like you definately could benefit from talking to a professional. You may want to start with going to your family doctor. Then they could refer you to a good psychologist. Its hard to say if this happened to you, our minds do a lot. Our minds also do a lot to protect us...such as repressing memories. Personally I dont remember much of my young childhood days. I was not sexually abused from what I am aware of, but never felt I may have been either. But who is to say if you were or not. You may have been.Your experience in high school, completely is understandable why you do not want to trust. That would be a terrible thing to go through. As for liking the opposite and the same sex, this could be completely normal feelings. Would you consider making an appointment with your doctor and getting a referal to a psychologist? Take things one step at a time, and one day at a time. Its all you can do, and thats all anyone can do. Take care, let us know how things go for you. These boards are really great I think because theres a lot of nice people here that do care. That has been my experience. I hope things come along for you, sounds like you could really do well to talk to someone who can help...and there are good counselors,therapists and psychologists out there. If you go to one you are not comfortable to open up to, then move on till you find a professional that you feel comfortable to share your thoughts with.
Thanks for your reply. I just feel like people wont take it seriously because I dont remember exactly the first episode. The high school experience was so traumatizing because it was a fight every single day with this guy to get his hands off of me and then when I tried to move my seat, He would end up right next to me somehow.. When I tried to get help, the teacher didnt care. It was so stupid too.. Could have been prevented if he just moved the kid. Whatever though.
I guess my main concern is if it happened at all...and if it contributes to the weird things going on lately. Ive become really numb with people and feelings.. Very obsessive compulsive, and very withdrawn. Also, Im becoming such a hypochondriac (add that to the list!) and its just making me crazy.
I know I could definately benefit from finding a trusted Doctor. I just feel like Im pretty young and if this is starting already..then what kind of mess will I be when Im older? And also, I do not want to be on meds.
So I dont know Ill try to find some resolutions. Thank you again for your post. I appreciate it, and if you ever need advice, maybe I can help too.
What happened to you in high school deserves some serious counselling. The other memory could be addressed as far as it is possible to do so, at the same time. It is very possible to supress memories. Some people don't remember until the abuser or their parents are dead. Others have a memory triggered by another event and it all comes flooding back. This happened to a close friend of mine. The discrediting of some repressed memory therapy, because of suggestions made under hypnosis by the psychologist, does not apply to the retrival of memories in everyday life. An ex-partner of mine felt as unsure as you do about her memories but had to accept they were true because of medical evidence of the damage she had suffered when raped as a child.
Try and find a good counsellor that you can trust and work with. If you don't feel right with the first one find another. The relationship has to work.
I wish you all the best. Counselling is not a cure all but it is one of the few things that helps.
Geoff
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm appalled by the way the teacher ignored the problem, but looking back on my high school experience most teachers were the same.
I had a very similar thing happen to me with regards to the childhood memory.
One day when I was 13yrs old, I was riding around in my native country with my mom (we were visiting) when all of a sudden it hit me - why the human mind works this way I'll never understand - I had all these memories rushing back to me, and when I told my mom ('cos she freaked out as I started crying hysterically) I came to find out that it wasn't my imagination - I'd been molested by an uncle when I was little (from about 4-5 yrs old) - and I guess by my mom discreetly asking around, we found out he had molested 4 other female cousins as well!! I felt so disgusted and embarassed, and never got counseling for it. But if I was my mom I would've pushed for counseling, it's taken me many years to deal and try my best to "get over" that ordeal and I don't know if I ever will. I have a lot of anger towards the person who did it and I've never been able to fully trust men, which is crappy since I know there are so many wonderful men out there. And everytime I hear a story like yours it makes my blood boil with anger, at how badly women are treated and how little importance is given when we are abused.
Sorry! I don't mean to get all whiny, but just thought sharing my story will help you a bit. Definitely try and find a nice counselor, I think women are very strong; they can heal their minds and hearts with a little help by releasing and talking about whatever ails them, without having to go on meds.
Take care and the best of luck.
Linear Mode
