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Old 03-14-2005, 09:23 PM   #1
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lilsea HB User
Rape

hello
I was raped about a monht ago, now i believe i have post traumatic stress
i am constantly trembeling and wake up periodically throughout the night, i am extremly afraid of HIV and have a 2 month wait to go before i find out my status, this i think adds to my stress and anxiety level.
please help any advice would be greatly appreciated

 
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Old 03-15-2005, 12:33 AM   #2
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Lil'Pea HB User
Re: Rape

Hi lilsea...i am Lil'Pea! lol.....my heart aches for you that you suffered such a violent violation. I will pray for you. I have never been raped but I did suffer much sexual abuse as a child. I understand the pain and the fear and how it haunts you. I am currently in counseling and sometimes it helps to just have someone to talk to. I am here anytime!! Have you shared this with many people or is it something that you are trying to keep a secret? If you are like me, I feel like sharing just to get it out and have the support, but at the same time i feel shame. I know that there is nothing to feel shame for, but it just comes out of nowhere. I would like to help...is there a way i can? Many prayers....Lil'Pea

Ps...I also suffer PTSD...it can be hard to cope, but it is always easier if you know you are not alone!

Last edited by Lil'Pea; 03-15-2005 at 12:35 AM.

 
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Old 03-15-2005, 09:11 AM   #3
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Re: Rape

Lil'Pea!
Thanks so much for your offer to listen, I might take you up on that one. I finally told some friends recently and they have been amazing. I just have so much going through my mind and so many fears (hiv specifically) its hard to see any light at the end of this tunnel, 2 months is a loooong time and till i know i'm ok physically i have no idea how i can start the emotional healing process. I get panic attacks that come out of nowhere. I agree with you the shame and guilt i know its irational i understand that but i still can't help but feel it. I am scared to tell too many people because i feel like if i do my life will never go back to normal. *sigh*
Thanks for your offer to help, i may post things here for ya once in a while, you may or not respond, thanks for letting me release some of this.

 
Old 03-15-2005, 03:02 PM   #4
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GorgeouslyJealo HB User
Re: Rape

I was raped back in October. It takes a long time to get over it. The best thing to do is see a conselor. It has helped me so much. You might want to go on Xanax for a little while too. Have you brought it to the police. I just got called in today to get quetioned again. IT brings everything back and you have to recall certain things you never wanna think about again but I believe in the end Justice will be served. Stay strong! Did you know your attacker? I'm am right there with ya girl. Help me help you! Ask me anything and I will try and help you to the best of my ability. People who have had this happen to them need to stick together.

Naomi

 
Old 03-15-2005, 03:39 PM   #5
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Re: Rape

Hey Noami
thanks for your answer,
i didn't know him really, haven't told the cops it happen out of the state i live in and from what i know he wasn't from that state either. I'm just so worried about hiv i can't imagin healing emotionally, regardless i'm going to the er tonight have an appointment for and hiv test on my 6th week on wed and the next day have my first counceling session, this is all so scary and overwhelming i feel like i'm going to break. Can't tell my parents this would kill them especially my mom, so its extra hard trying to keep it cool at home and move along with life when my head is going 1000 miles an hour with fears and thoughts, you know?

 
Old 03-15-2005, 08:01 PM   #6
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Re: Rape

I understand honey. How old are you? You don't sound very old. I'm so sorry it happened to you the way it did. Just be strong. Talking to someone will help you so much. So do you know for a fact he didnt use protection? OMG girl. Try and keep your mind off it. Go to the movies. Keep your mind busy. I know it sounds impossible right now but at least try. Keep me updated okay. I'll let you know how my trial goes.

Naomi

 
Old 03-15-2005, 08:24 PM   #7
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Re: Rape

I hate that people think they can take your right away. That is your body and who do they think they are? I was abducted in a different state and I didn't tell the police either. I was scared everything would come out and he would find out where I lived and come back. I didn't get raped just his hands around my throat and taken two hours away from where I was supposed to be. He told me he was a sick person and he wanted it now. I some how talked my way out of the car, I guess I won over his trust and when I seen my opportunity I ran and ran fast. I was lucky but I had nightmares and to this day I trust no one. I have never left my children alone with anyone. I am afraid to date because you don't know the monster that lies behind someone. Your going to have to find your inner strength and NOT allow what this man did to you to bring you down. Don't let him take your pride....let this make you stroner and make you more of a fighter. He is no one and the day will come when he has to be judged. It took me a long time but I live a normal life now, I do look at everyone as a potential harmful person but that's just precaution. I know as a mother I would want my daughter to talk to me because almost every mother wants to comfort their daughters especially in an instance like this. You have to pound into your head that it was NOT your fault. I was dressed in a short black skirt and a tiny tiny top and heels but that still did not give this guy a right to try and rape me or kill me. I hope you find the courage to tell you mother and I hope your mother understands. If by chance you do have HIV know that it's not the end of the world by any means....you CAN live a normal life and do things that other people can do. Your very brave for getting checked as soon as possible it will be better for your health. I'm also glad you came here and opened up to us. I'm am so sorry you had to live that nightmare...that SOB WILL pay for what he's done one day. Did you go to the hospital and have the do the rape exam on you? Just in case you want to prosicute and put him away.....someone has to put this monster away...god only knows when he will stop. You know this was an act for him to show control right? Don't let him have any more control over you....live strong and live well!!! Lots of love to you sweetie. Please remember to come here often.

 
Old 03-16-2005, 12:32 AM   #8
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Re: Rape

Hi lilsea! I am glad you will consider my offer to talk to someone. Strangely, it sometimes seems it is easier to talk to those who don't know your face (at least it is for me)! I agree that 2 months is a long time to wait.....it's hard enough waiting 3 days for a lab result! I really feel for you. You are very brave to have gone to get tested, many would not just out of fear....I can't imagine going through something like this and not telling my mom, and I am in my 20's!! You are very strong....but don't let that strength force you to go through it alone. No one is THAT strong. That is the mistake I made trying to deal with my childhood issues. It wasn't that people didn't know about it, but I always pretended that it wasn't affecting my life and that I had resolved it myself...guess I must have been pretty convincing because no one got me into counseling. Wow, I wish i knew then what I know now.....my recovery would not be as difficult as it is if I had reached out and let people know how much I was really hurting. In fact, I got so good at pretending, I even fooled myself.

I hope you do post things for me here once in a while, I will do the same for you. Lotsa love and prayers! Lil'Pea

 
Old 03-16-2005, 08:59 AM   #9
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Re: Rape

So i went to the emergency room yesterday and its amazing how no one seems to want to help me because it happen a monht ago, i got to finally see a nurse who tested me for gonorea and clamedia, but other than that i'm still not feeling well at all. I feel like it was a waste of time, i don't know what i was expecting really, i guess i wanted them to say you don't have hiv and you are totally healthy, but they can't do that. all this is so stressful. I wish i could tell my parents but my mom is the best mother in the world and news like this would devistate her, it would make her feel like a bad mother and she would blame herself, i can't do that to her. I guess i'll have to wait till wed for my hiv test, till then the nitemare will continue.
Thanks for your support.
Lil'pea did you ever feel like you couldn't plan your future, like that right was taken from you, i'm scared to plan for the future, mostly because of hiv, but i'm just wondering if other people that have been raped feel the same just in general...thank you so much for your prayers and kind words, this board helps me breath a bit better

 
Old 03-16-2005, 11:25 AM   #10
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Re: Rape

Naomi-
Thanks for your advice, i'll try and keep busy but its really hard. I'm 23 not old not young. He did use protection and I know that lowers my risk but I cant stop freaking out about it. My friend thinks i'm just placing all my energy into that instead of focusing on my emotions. I donno what to think anymore, its true i have a low risk but with everything going wrong i don't see why i would luck out there as well. How is the trail process going?

 
Old 03-16-2005, 02:17 PM   #11
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Re: Rape

Yea, I definitely felt afraid to plan my future. Can't explain it really...i just felt so stuck. I wish i had gone to counseling years ago, it has helped me so much. I am in the middle of writing a book about my life! How's that for getting 'unstuck'? lol.....Your friend might be right about putting all of your emotions into just feeling fear. It's to be expected, but make sure you pay attention to all those other feelings too....most importantly, happiness. It is ok to laugh and be happy even though you are going through all this. Don't let him take that from you. Surround yourself with those who make you smile and laugh, you will find yourself again. It has been a long road for me because I denied myself the right to just be happy....don't let that happen to you! I know in my heart that your test will be ok....just heal, and talk about it as much as you need to...if people get tired of hearing it, you will know who your friends are! I will continue to pray for peace for you...and again, i am here anytime. i check everyday. Lotsa love! Lil'Pea (Trena)

 
Old 03-16-2005, 03:30 PM   #12
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Re: Rape

I find out next week whether or not it's going to a full blown trial. I'm nervous and I have all the same feelings coming back to me. Can't sleep, can't think or focus. My heart races any time something reminds me of it (like his car a gold cavileir). I must seem a mess at work but I think I have been fronting bubbly me pretty well. It feels bad when you actually laugh or smile at something. I know how that feels. Like your guilty and you shouldnt be aloud to be happy right now. Just know that even though you feel that way it isnt true. Go and have as much fun as you can. Also I would tell your mother. I told mine and she took it very well. Your mom will be your biggest helper, because she knows you completely. I flew my mother out here to Hawaii and just let her baby me and hold me when I cried. it'ls better than any pill they have given me. Anyways girl...>Stay stong! BTW I'm 21..20 when it happened.

 
Old 03-16-2005, 04:52 PM   #13
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lilsea HB User
Re: Rape

wow i know i insanely post on this blog, but it helps me get through work, sorry if its getting out of control....
I totally agree with you both, its so weird how every time i want to laugh or start enjoying life again i stop myself, and i put a terrible thought into my mind (hiv of course) and that ruins the small progress i've made. I don't want to plan the future i don't like to laugh, i want to tell my mom but don't know how, she didn't want me to go on that trip, she would tell my entire family and forever i will be Lili the girl that got raped, how are you supposed to continue your life if other people will always see you as that?
Plus my parents are always talking me up to friends and family, they talk about how proud they are etc... and it hurts me that i've lost that, and they have too.
Thanks for your prayers i will keep you in mine as well

Last edited by moderator2; 03-17-2005 at 07:45 AM. Reason: please carefully review the posting rules

 
Old 03-16-2005, 07:16 PM   #14
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Lil'Pea HB User
Re: Rape

Hello again lilsea! Don't apologize for posting alot, i look for ya! I post alot too, and that's what it's hear for.

It breaks my heart to hear you talk about how you feel that you have somehow let your parents down...what an awful feeling. I know you feel somehow responsible because you went on that trip, but that doesn't make it your fault and it doesn't mean your mom will be disappointed in you. I am not going to preach to you though about telling her....you will when you are ready! In the meantime, you have support here as often as you need it.

I would love to keep talking with you though. I know how important it is to keep talking, keep talking, keep talking! lol

Well, i'll keep looking for ya, so don't feel bad if ya keep on posting! Trena

Last edited by moderator2; 03-17-2005 at 07:43 AM. Reason: please carefully review the posting rules

 
Old 03-16-2005, 11:00 PM   #15
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Re: Rape

Hello!
As you can see i'm here all the time as well haha
I'm so glad I can talk to someone and get some of this out of my system, i talk to my friends about it but I guess its not the same as talking to someone that understands a bit of what I feel. Today I had a better day than i've had, yesterday my friend basically smacked some sense into me on the fact that the odds of my having hiv are really small and although i wish i could be guranteed today that that was true, i have to find comfort in that, only 54 more days till i find out
I've put a lot of thought inot telling my mom and I go back and forth between wanting to tell her and then decide thats a bad idea. I donno, this is all so confusing, today i felt ok better than other days a lot more calm, but then i know this won't last. I woke up 3 times last night always feeling alone and rushing to go back to sleep quick before i realize i'm alone in the dark. The worst is waking up in the morning and realizing its not all a bad dream but i still have to worry about hiv, i still have to feel happy one second and completly paniced the next. I just want my life back. I don't know if this ever happen to you but I don't want to listen to my favorite music or do anything i used to enjoy because i'm scared of tainting it with how i feel right now?

Last edited by moderator2; 03-17-2005 at 07:45 AM. Reason: please carefully review the posting rules

 
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