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Old 09-19-2005, 11:56 PM   #1
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terry2006 HB User
It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

I've been out with this guy a few times and I really liked him. The last time we got together we went back to his place and started fooling around. When things started to get a bit too far, I told him that I didn't want to have sex. I really liiked the guy and I still wanted to keep doing what we were doing but not any further.

I was 20 years old when I had my first boyfriend and I had lost my virginity to him. We were together for 4 years and had just broken up about 4 months ago. So as you can probably understand, the thought of having sex with someone else completely terrified me.

As we were "fooling around" I continually said "no, no, please please don't" or " I don't want to do it". I kept putting my hand to on my crotch to block him from going further but he moved it each time.

Finally, he stop and he said "ok, I'll calm down...I'll try to behave"

Then we started talking. I remember asking him if he thought we were actually going to have sex tonight, or planning to have sex with me?

He said: "no, I didn't"
I said: "well good, because I'm not having sex with you...so don't do it"

I'm not exactly sure what he said after that, but I do remember something along the lines of "ok, don't worry" or something like that and something along the lines of "I don't want to do it anyways..." That made me feel better.

Since I thought we were both on the same page, I felt secure and we started fooling around again. Things would get too close and I would start saying "don't, don't, don't". Then I remember him saying "do you want to use a condom?". That shocked me because he just had said that he didn't even want to have sex. I remember yelling at that point (well talking loudly) "nooo, I don't want to do it at all!" and I do remember him saying "ok, ok"

He did it anyways...I was so shocked and upset but at the same time I didn't stop him once he did it. When it happened all I could say was "oh my god, f---" but I didn't stop him. I was a little shocked when it was happening. I don't know how to explain how I felt when it was happening...like nervous and just shocked and all I could think was "what the hell am I doing...oh my god, oh my god, oh my god".

I just laid there, I didn't saying anything, I had my head turn to the side and I was looking at the wall and biting my nail. I think he could tell I wasn't enjoying myself because I got really dry and I was really quiet.

I said no and I really didn't want to have sex with him but at the same time I didn't stop him when he did it but I didn't want him doing it. He didn't hurt me or threaten to hurt me or anything like that.

I'm sure what happened. I was thinking about talking to a counsellor at school but at the same time I was sort of afraid to. It's just not a clear cut situation where I was fighting him off or anything like that so I wasn't really sure if anything wrong was done on his part. I don't want to go there and end up feeling stupid.

I am afraid others will say that if I didn't want him doing it I should have stopped him and since I didn't stop him, I have nobody to blame but myself (that's what I keep thinking myself).

I know I should not have let it get as far as it did. I know I should have been more assertive when he kept trying and I should have stopped him when he actually did do it. I'm not trying to put the blame on him, because I know I did put myself in a very compromising situation.

I keep playing that night over and over in my head. I think about all the times I could/should have just said "I should go now" or I think about all the things I should have done but didn't do. I keep thinking that if I done/not done those things...then yes I wouldn't be here right now feeling confused, ashamed and just...I don't know how to explain it....

Regardless of what it was, I still feel....like someone stole something from me...I dunno....

Last edited by terry2006; 09-19-2005 at 11:59 PM.

 
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Old 09-20-2005, 07:46 AM   #2
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Doug46D HB User
Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

Terry2006,

I think you went to far, for him to not believe you wanted something to happen.

I just think you now have regrets.

Who knows, he may turn out to be your "knight in shining armor", and marry you someday.

Doug

 
Old 09-20-2005, 10:00 AM   #3
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

I guess I can try to see this from a guy's point of view, you were fooling around which turned him on, but then said you didn't want to have sex which confused him.

However. You repeatedly said no, and you did try to stop him - putting your hand in your crotch so he couldn't do it is actively trying to stop him. You guys discussed this, he agreed you two wouldn't have sex. How much clearer could you be? He acknowledged that he understood you didn't want to have sex, he agreed you two wouldn't do it! Yes once he started having sex you didn't try to stop him - "deer in the headlights" sort of thing, you were so shocked by what he was doing that you didn't know what to do! What he did to you was, in my opinion, extremely disrespectful. You made it clear how much you did not want to have sex and he did it anyway.

I think seeing a counselor at school is a good idea. You need to talk to someone about this. Not so much to report what he did, as you would in a rape (I don't know if what he did was technically rape, however, he had sex with you WITHOUT your consent - so I think you need to establish with an authority if it was rape or not)... but to talk about what happened, to cry if you need to, to get advice on how to get over this incident and to not let it affect your future (you don't want to let affect things when your husband comes along), to get advice on what to do about this guy, etc.

Well, that's my 2 cents, anyway...

Last edited by MariaRegina; 09-20-2005 at 10:02 AM.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 10:03 AM   #4
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Gimme_It HB User
Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

Hmm this is a tricky one -

I understand what you mean that you are blaming yourself, but he should have understood the fact that you purely didnt want to have sex, and that you said the word "no". He should understand the fact and respect your feelings on the situation. Although - he is a guy, and he sounds as if he was buttering you up, maybe thinking "yeah shes saying she doesnt want it now, but when we get into the swing of things, she will!"

I think you may need to chat about things with someone - like your school counsillor if you feel this may help - like you said, you cant stop thinking about that night and you may need to get it off your chest, although coming on this board may have helped you.

I dont believe that you are the one to be blamed for this, however, i dont think he is either - all i could blame him for is being a typical male and buttering himself round a young lady such as yourself and enjoy the chance he could with you, although you may feel this had gone too far.

Anyway, I hope you get yourself sorted and try not to worry about yourself so much, you havnt had anything stolen from you nor should you feel guilty for what happened.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 10:13 AM   #5
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

Sweetie, we all make bad choices. I think this was a big one for you. On the positive side you used a condom. Maybe you should obstain from sex for a long while. Your definitly not ready for it and that's ok. Does this guy talk to you? Is he civil or do you not speak? Can you speak with him? Maybe he did get mixed signals. Your body is your own, not his and if you said NO he should have stopped completley but it isn't rape if you think it's not. I hope you and this guy can become friends and see past this bad experience for you. Seeing a counselor would be wise. I wish you the best. You only made a bad descision sweetheart, don't beat yourself up over it. Try to move on. Lots of love and hugs your way.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 10:34 AM   #6
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

He should have stopped - Period. Don't blame yourself, but when he didn't stop, you should have pushed him off, gotten up and left.
I think by staying you gave him the wrong message. Sometimes guys don't get it. (No offense to the men, but sometimes no means no.)

 
Old 09-20-2005, 12:29 PM   #7
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terry2006 HB User
Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

Souldcatcher, no he didn't use a condom....he just did it...that's what shocked me.

 
Old 09-20-2005, 01:13 PM   #8
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

I wish I could PM you and tell you about a very very similar incident that occured to me. I cant voice it here cuz its personal, and who knows, "he" might read it you know. But all im gonna say is that reason why you feel like this is cuz you're not over your ex and still feel like you have to be faithful to him. You prob like this new guy, maybe alot, to the point of maybe starting something new, but still feel like, you "belong" to your ex when it comes to sex. Anyway, im glad that at least you know that you shouldnt be fooling around to begin with if you're not even going there. Though I feel that if you didnt wanna go there at all, you wouldva abtstain totally. So maybe you want to have a normal relationship with this new guy but is afraid. Thats where i'll tell you that you need to sort out your emotions with you ex first. Clear that out. Now, its not all your fault. This guy shouldva kept his hands sober and shouldva respected you when you said no. Some men tend to not even think right and would find any weak chance they could to get into your pants. Anyway, I dont know wassup with this new guy and how u feel for him now. I dont know what kind of person he is, cuz on a heated moment like that, its hard to think straight. Anyway, the feeling will pass. After a week or a month, you'll feel better enough to realize whats up. Whats been done its done and the last thing u need is to feel like crap, so dont fuel yourself with that. You learn'd your lesson, now is time to put it in action and move on, little by little though. Give yourself some time to totally heal in regards with your ex. Four months is still too short to go getting intamate. Sure go date but wait at least close to a year or so, im my opinion. Ok then, good luck. PM me if you'd like. Take care.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 12:09 PM   #9
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

No means no. even if you were fooling around, you clearly told him no to sex. It is possible for someone to force you to have sex without physical force. Anytime you say no to sex and you are forced to, it is rape. There is nothing wrong with you. It sounds like all you wanted is for it to be over so you let him finish. Don't ever think any of it is your fault. No matter what anyone says. Just remember you said no.

Last edited by tyara83; 09-22-2005 at 12:10 PM.

 
Old 09-22-2005, 01:53 PM   #10
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

what he did was certainly wrong. But I also think it's incorrect to say that you're not to blame. Obviously you knew that he wanted to have sex, because he told you/tried to many times over the course of your "fooling around." Would it have really been so bad to get up and leave this guy, who you had to physically block him from entering you while you were saying "no?" I think that night, you weren't really sure what you wanted. You were enjoying what was going on sexually, although you were making a half-hearted attempt at doing "everything but actual intercourse." I mean, it might have taken away your pleasure that night, and maybe embarrassed you a little, but I can't think of a single good reason why you should have stayed there and let it get that far. Everything except a few empty words from him indicated that he was going to have sex with you whether you liked it or not.

I feel for you, I really do. And maybe this could be considered rape, I do'nt know the legalities of it. I just hope that in the future you'll respect yourself more and not get into sticky situations like this.

 
Old 09-23-2005, 01:39 PM   #11
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

Reading through most of the other responses was just painful. Please DO NOT blame your-self for what happened to you.

You attempted to assert your power several times by says "I am not going to have sex with you" and "No, no, no" and putting your hand there! What the F*** was he doing!?!? When someone strips you of your power by not accepting your decision, you are left feeling powerless. How anyone can say you have ANY responsibility is beyond me. Since you told him you wouldn't be having intercourse with him and he pursued it, he basically said "I don't respect you or your feelings, I'm going to have my way with you" by continually trying to put himself inside of you when you were saying "no, no,no" and you were PHYSICALLY trying to stop penetration, he was FORCING himself on you. The definition of Rape (noun) is " the forcing of somebody into sex"

Rape doesn't mean that a gun is held to your head or that you need to beat the man off you. You continually attempted to stop him from having intercourse and he continually attempted to penetrate you. This IS rape. More classically known as "date-rape".

Please do speak to a counselor. They will have resources for you. We expect people to respect our wishes when we assert our-selves verbally. If someone doesn't… and then physically attacks you, you are then in a panicked and irrational state of mind. I believe the way you acted in the situation was remarkable considering the circumstances.

Good Luck! I'm so sorry this had to happen to you. Don't beat your-self up over it, and NEVER see that guy again. He doesn’t respect you or your body.

 
Old 09-23-2005, 01:48 PM   #12
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

Well whether or not it was rape he was a total jerk to continue pushing you and keep trying when you repeatedly told him you didn't want to have sex. Guys are really stupid sometimes and they think even though you kept saying no you kept fooling around with him so he thought he would eventually "convince" you. Thats all it was about to him. He was hoping he could eventually turn you on enough you would let him do it. A real gentleman does not keep trying and trying after a girl says no as clearly as you did. The fact that you even said that you were not thinking you guys would have sex and said "so don't try to" makes it very clear he didn't care about you and what you wanted. I don't know if it was rape unless you were saying no while he was trying to enter you and during. I just think he was WAY out of line and was focused on getting what he wanted. I think next time you talk to him ask if he has been checked for STDs and even if he says yes you should check yourself out. Also did he ejaculate in you? This situation is partially your fault for letting it get that far and not getting out but I can't blame you because I used to be the same. I was easily persuaded and afraid to be "mean or rude" and reject someone in a harsh way. This is mainly his doing and you shouldn't blame yourself because it kept trying so hard and not listening to you.

 
Old 09-23-2005, 01:54 PM   #13
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

I just read cherrys post and I must say i agree with her. I forgot about date rape and what it means and this is a classic deffinition of it as they mentioned it in college a couple years ago. Many people picture rape as being violent and the woman screaming no the whole time but they said in my class that date rape is classic because the two people were out on a date and the guy uses that to his advantage and trys to persuade the girl. I had the same type of thing happen to a friend of mine but she got the hell outta there before he could do it. But whos to say he would have even let you leave? He could have ended up physically restraining you and having his way anyways. But yes this is what they say date rape is.

 
Old 09-25-2005, 03:40 PM   #14
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Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

I hope my earlier reply didn't indicate that I was blaming ONLY you, because that couldn't be further from the truth. This guy IS a complete scumbag and was 100% wrong. What he did was despicable and wrong on so many levels.

My point is, it was also easily avoided.

 
Old 09-25-2005, 08:11 PM   #15
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Hiya HB User
Re: It wasn't rape but it still feel so terrible

I too am very sorry this happened to you. Yes, do please speak to a counselor. This is a clear cut case of DATE RAPE. You said no, you just wanted to continue doing what you were doing. He said ok, I agree, no sex. Then before you even knew what was happening, he was in you, without your consent. That's rape, case closed. In a legal sense, it may not be a prosecutable rape, but morally and every other way, it was a rape. I don't care if you have your panties off or whatever. If you say no and he doesn't listen, it's rape, and it's that simple. You had the right to say no and you had the right to have him listen. This "men aren't expected to control their impulses, you have to be responsible for their impulses and if you go too far, then you are responsible for how much further they take it" is crap. Yes, if you go in a bad part of town at midnight with diamonds and gold chains all over you with $100 bills hanging out of your pocket, some would argue you are "asking" to be mugged. But if you do get mugged, does that mean the people who mugged you didn't commit a crime? NO!!! He was wrong for doing what he did. Please talk to a counselor to deal with your feelings of guilt and of being violated. You will need some help in dealing with this. Good luck to you.

 
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