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Old 03-25-2006, 07:14 AM   #1
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vieuphoria_girl HB User
Sexual Abuse

Hello my name is Megan and I'm 22 years old. I've been having sexual problems for a little while now. Basically a lack of sex drive in general (well not a complete lack of sex. We do have sex at least once a week). For a long time I thought that I had fallen out of love with my boyfriend. We have been together five years and we have a fantastic relationship other than the sexual issues. He's a very loving, beautiful human being with whom I really do want to spend the rest of my life with. I just have some problems. The thing is I don't think the problem is with him I think it's with me.

When I was six years old I was sexually molested on several occasions (most by the same man). I remember it pretty vividly and it was very devastating. It's effected me and the person I've grown up to be alot. I've been battling depression most of my life and even though I'm genetically predisposed to mental illness I think the molestation started the cycles of depression I now deal with.

The sexual problems didn't start occurring till I moved to Arizona with my boyfriend (before that time we had an awesome sex life!) While living out there I became very very depressed. I tried to take my life. We moved back to Ohio but still the problems continued. I'm beginning to wonder if the major bout of depression that I experienced out there maybe triggered some old feelings/memories that I have forgotten. The problems I'm experiencing right now is almost a detached feeling from my body. Like my mind and my body are two different entities wondering around. I haven't masturbated in a couple years now. I used to do it pretty frequently. I have a pretty horrible body image and low self esteem. I've kinda let myself go. I know I'm kind of babbling here but this is something I really don't discuss with a lot of people. The only ones who know is my parents and my psychologist and I don't even really talk about it much with them.

Does anyone else who has been sexually abused deal with these types of problems as well? I really think that if I had a healthy sexuality again that the problems would disappear. It's hard though to change things that have been ingrained in you for years. I need to get back my self esteem and I need to be more in touch with and like my body again. Perhaps I should go to some sort of sexual abuse support group? Maybe I should be more open with my counselor and discuss the sexual abuse I suffered? Any thoughts or replies to this thread would be very appreciated.

Thanks, Megan

 
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Old 03-26-2006, 08:28 AM   #2
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desertdweller HB User
Re: Sexual Abuse

What you are describing is a kind of disassociation disorder. This is a very common reaction to sexual abuse. Quite often, people that have been abused find sex with strangers more comfortable than a close relationship, which is so sad.It sounds like you already know what you need to do, join a support group, try to see a psychologist that specializes in sexual abuse. Best wishes to you.

 
Old 03-26-2006, 10:07 AM   #3
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besafe20 HB User
Re: Sexual Abuse

Yes this is a common problem. You may have noticed the closer you and your boyfriend became the less fun the sex was. I think everyone who has been abused needs counseling to get over what happened. Goodluck.

 
Old 03-26-2006, 10:01 PM   #4
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Re: Sexual Abuse

Honestly, I think it was a very brave and therapeutic thing for you to post what you posted here, but I also think it is essential that you tell your therapist about this in great detail.
I had issues as a child which affected me as an adult, and these issues included sexuality. I still grapple with it to a degree now, but not as much as I used to. What helped me the most is letting go of the shame, and that's so much easier said than done. In order to let go of the shame, you have to realize that *your* opinions, feelings, analysis, mindset, etc. matter. They have merit and they have value whether or not someone agrees with, validates, understands, acknowledges them. *That* is a hard journey because it's a road you will travel alone, and you have to *fight* for that freedom to *regain* the power to define yourself as worthy simply because you are. Only then, can you really say, understand and believe that what happened to you was not only just NOT your fault, it does not define you as a person because *you* did NOTHING wrong. The ONLY people who should have any shame are 1) first and foremost the monster who did this to you AND 2) anyone who EVER made you feel ashamed of yourself.
You can and will have a normal sex life again. Yes, it's hard to regain the power and the strength, but it's not impossible, and it's something you CAN do. You have to let go of the shame. You have to let go of that disassociation of your body with pleasure. You fight for your right to enjoy your sexuality. Don't let that human garbage who tried to take that away from you win! He's the one who should feel shame, and you know what? He probably doesn't, so why do you?

 
Old 03-27-2006, 07:24 AM   #5
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vieuphoria_girl HB User
Re: Sexual Abuse

Quote:
Originally Posted by desertdweller
What you are describing is a kind of disassociation disorder. This is a very common reaction to sexual abuse. Quite often, people that have been abused find sex with strangers more comfortable than a close relationship, which is so sad.It sounds like you already know what you need to do, join a support group, try to see a psychologist that specializes in sexual abuse. Best wishes to you.
First thank you for your response. I've been looking into different types of disassociation disorders and reading up on them. The more I read the more I do realize that I could in fact be suffering from a disorder such as that. What's crazy is I've been living with it for years and have never even realized it.

 
Old 03-27-2006, 07:27 AM   #6
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vieuphoria_girl HB User
Re: Sexual Abuse

Quote:
Originally Posted by besafe20
Yes this is a common problem. You may have noticed the closer you and your boyfriend became the less fun the sex was. I think everyone who has been abused needs counseling to get over what happened. Goodluck.
Thanks for replying. Yes I actually have noticed that. The longer we've been together the more I try to push him away. Lucky for me my boyfriend is a very patient and loving person. I'm in counseling now but I think I really need to open up more about what happened to me.

 
Old 03-27-2006, 07:53 AM   #7
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vieuphoria_girl HB User
Re: Sexual Abuse

Quote:
Originally Posted by tigerlillyrose
Honestly, I think it was a very brave and therapeutic thing for you to post what you posted here, but I also think it is essential that you tell your therapist about this in great detail.
I had issues as a child which affected me as an adult, and these issues included sexuality. I still grapple with it to a degree now, but not as much as I used to. What helped me the most is letting go of the shame, and that's so much easier said than done. In order to let go of the shame, you have to realize that *your* opinions, feelings, analysis, mindset, etc. matter. They have merit and they have value whether or not someone agrees with, validates, understands, acknowledges them. *That* is a hard journey because it's a road you will travel alone, and you have to *fight* for that freedom to *regain* the power to define yourself as worthy simply because you are. Only then, can you really say, understand and believe that what happened to you was not only just NOT your fault, it does not define you as a person because *you* did NOTHING wrong. The ONLY people who should have any shame are 1) first and foremost the monster who did this to you AND 2) anyone who EVER made you feel ashamed of yourself.
You can and will have a normal sex life again. Yes, it's hard to regain the power and the strength, but it's not impossible, and it's something you CAN do. You have to let go of the shame. You have to let go of that disassociation of your body with pleasure. You fight for your right to enjoy your sexuality. Don't let that human garbage who tried to take that away from you win! He's the one who should feel shame, and you know what? He probably doesn't, so why do you?
Thank you so much for responding and putting so much into it! It really does make me feel better to know I'm not alone. It is true I don't allow myself to feel pleasure. For the longest time I didn't really know why. I guess I associate pleasure as something wrong. There's a lot of guilt and shame still inside of me. As a child I could never watch romantic scenes in a movie because they brought up memories of what happened and so many horrible feelings. Up through high school I really truly believed I had gotten over what happened to me. I guess I have not. When something like that happens to you when your that young it gets ingrained in you. It's a part of me. I really need to put it behind me and move on. The person who did this to me was my mother's best friend's older son. The guy was 13 or 14 when he did what he did to me but in my mind I think he was old enough to know better. I know that I never thought of such things at 13 and never thought of doing such things with a six year old! One of the reasons I didn't tell was I was very close with my mom. She suffers from depression and I didn't want to break up my mom's friendship (she didn't have a lot of friends). When I finally did tell my mom about what happened I was fifteen. She cried so hard and felt terrible. Now she thinks she's a terrible mom. I told her she's not though and that what happened wasn't any of her fault.

Wow I just realized I kinda unloaded on you. I'm sorry it just helps to vent these things. Your right though. It's his fault and he should feel the shame, not me. Lucky for me I believe in karma. What you do to others will come back on you.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write me!
Megan

 
Old 04-14-2006, 12:49 PM   #8
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sapphire99 HB User
Re: Sexual Abuse

My sister has this exact same problem. She was molested at age 16 by our older sister's now ex husband. She has had the same boyfriend for 5 years, and only in the first couple of months did she feel good while having sex, and she became depressed. She went to a counselor for a while... maybe almost 2 years, but her counselor retired so she stopped going. She knows that it is all in her head and she needs to accept and learn to deal with what happened to her in order to be able to be sexually pleasured by her boyfriend again. She said her counselor told her the more open and willing she became towards speaking about what happened to her that the better she will feel. She can talk to just about anyone now about what happened... except for our parents. She took them to one of her meetings with her counselor so she could get it all out, but the problem is that our dad is living in denial about what happened (probably because it happened in his house and he didn't realize it), and our mother went hysterical in crying blaming herself for what happened because she was nearly always at home. Is it possible that our parents are holding my sister back because she is unable to speak to them about it? I was just wondering because I want to help my sister get completely over what happened to her because she deserves better. She is only 25 and can't enjoy sex at all. I know there is no way of her being able to talk to our parents, because they have their own problems that they needed to go to counseling over but they donítÖ. they are not very accepting people and have a big problem with knowing when there is a problem and doing something about it.

vieuphoria_girl my heart goes out to you and anyone else who has had to live with being previously sexually abused. I donít know exactly how hard it is to live with it, but I can tell by looking at my sister that it affects you more than the average person can even imagine.

I wish you luck

 
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