Sexual Abuse - Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board

carolinagirl · 06-14-2006, 08:08 AM

It all started when I was about 9 or 10 years old. My mom had remarried to another man which I honestly considered as my "real father" because I knew him since I was practically born. He's the one that actually took me into this country at the age of 2 before I was living in Uruguay, South America. I was young so I didn't know any better, or what was good for me, but I knew something was wrong. My step father sexually abused my sister and I. My sister is a year and 3 months older than me. But for some reason he abused me more than he abused my sister. I was there to witness that. It wasn't like a "severe" abuse but it was wrong. He would always come into my room and rub against me or try to touch my vaginal area over my pants; or in the pool he would hold me in the wrong ways; or pull my pants down and just rub his penis around my behind. Nothing was ever inserted. But i'm scarred from that incident for the rest of my life. I didn't think that I was going to be affected by it throughout my life, but as I'm older now, 22 years old it has become for the past 2 or 3 years insane. For example, I didn't tell you the whole story. But basically, at that young age I then went to my older sis and told her "listen we have to tell mom." I grabbed her and I went to tell her exactly what was going on and then we went straight to the police, he was arrested. I was questioned over and over again about so many things for about 6 or 7 hours and then I had to go get some tests done; it was really hard on my sister and I. Now what really made me the way I am today is because soon after he was arrested, I wasn't allowed to see him for a matter of 2 years-but practically the whole time I was seeing him b/c my mom had just had twins with him and the twins had to see "their father." I know in my heart if my kids were ever being abused by there father, I will never let them see there father again. However, in my moms situation she needed the money so she had to see him to support the 4 of us. We were all very young at the time. So I have been living with my step father practically forever up until I just got married and moved out of the house the past couple of months. I'm 22 years old now and I sometimes dream about what happened and wake up feeling horrible and it's always in my head b/c i'm I used to see him every day, and I just want to know why he did this to me. I deserve to know. And it is affecting me in so many ways. Even with my husband, I sometimes cry to him b/c I HATE MY STEP FATHER for what he has done to me and I will never forgive him. He hasn't touched me since; if you are wondering. But, just the matter of the fact that he did it and how I just lived with him through it all. It's sick. I just hate him so much and I don't care about him. And I don't want to see a psychologist because I've been through it all and I just want a closure. My situation has been very difficult to live with and I wish I could find a solution. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not a depressed woman. I always look at the positive side of things and I try to make things work and i'm extreamly sucessful in my life. However, everyone has there downsides and this is mine. The more I talk about it, the more I think about it. But I think I want to talk about it b/c it just makes me feel safe. And with this website I could just spill my heart out. So thanks for listening. Bye.

NitroChic · 06-14-2006, 08:50 AM

I too was sexualy abaused from the time I was 5-13. You sound like you are trying to downplay what your step father did to you.

"wasn't like a "severe" abuse but it was wrong. "

Like you dont deserve to be angry or upset about this. Believe me....I don't believe that any level of sexual abuse is "worse or less severe" than any other. I, for many years just pushed it to to back of my life as a done deal that I couldnt change. I "learned to live with it" that is until something happened in my life that absolutely brought it back to the forefront, and I was forced to deal with it.I realized that all my life I would avoid the conditions in which I would be reminded of the abuse...
To keep your sanity, you must talk about it. If you can do that here, then that is great. Please do so. God Cless you...just try to understand that even though it was something you dont want to ever thinlk about...it is part of who you are.

StephanieAnne · 06-14-2006, 09:00 PM

Hi Carolina

I too was the victim of sexual abuse, when I was a kid and I never told anyone, until I was in my 30's, I was given the phone # of a PTSD therapist and slowly over time, I was able to deal with and put it away,

You stepfather has a problem, and it was very wrong of him to do that to you and your sisters, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT!!! you did nothing but love him like a dad and for him to do what he did is horrible, it set you on a course for your life that made you different from everyone else.

I felt that way my whole life, and I hated it, I was starting not to want to drive anywhere, afraid that I was in other drivers way, I was withdrawing, using recreational drugs, drinking, living a bad life, and I hated it, but that was all that I knew.

I can tell you that I have dealt with my PTSD and what I have received back it an entire new life, then in Dec 2004 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and if I had not worked thru all my pain, then the MS would have swallowed me whole and I would not be were I am now. I realized also that I have had depression my whole life and I like you would put on a happy face

and be positive and happy and it was all apart of my mask that I wore. Now I am happy, relaxed, confident, content, and this is the life that I earned from all my pain.

Talking about it will make you feel better, finding a PTSD therapist who can work with you to really put it all to rest, may be the key to your new life. I went to a Psych and I spilled my guts to him and he presctibed a drug to handle my problems, yeah, I never went back to him and it made me shy away from any sort of therapy, but after finding my therapist, it was the best thing I ever did.

I like to let my brain sort things out for me while I sleep and maybe that will work for you. I will give you any support to help you feel better.

I love nitros advice, get it out if you want to do it here and it helps we will listen but it is apart of your life, and it wants to get out, you want to reclaim you. Hang in there sweetie, things will get better

NicoleKane · 07-30-2006, 02:13 AM

Hi, Carolina. I'm sorry for what happened to you.. I, too, can relate to how you feel. While I wasn't sexually abused, I was both pyhsical and emotional from my father, and let me tell you.. I HATE HIM. Everyone's telling me " Oh, you're just angry at him, that's all." but I'm not angry. I've never felt this immense anger before in my life. So you are not wrong at all to hate your step-father. I don't blame you one bit. And it wasn't your fault at all. I used to feel like it was mine, or actually, I still feel like it is, but I suppose it's because of all the times my FATHER convinced me it was. It's good your step-father was arrested - my dad never was. He's out free, roaming the streets, never been arrested for anything. And that's the only thing I want - revenge. I'm usually not a hateful person or someone who likes to hurt people, but with him.. it's different. I feel like I could hurt him so badly, as much as he's hurt me. Just remember it wasn't your fault. You had no control over the situation. Every victim feels that way.. for a long time. I'm starting to realize it wasn't my fault because I didn't beg for him to hurt me, he did it on his own, and it's the same with your step-father. It's sick when men turn to children and use them for leverage for their little games. I was almost sexually molested once by my father, but he didn't get far. Something seemed to snap inside of him.

Also, was your step-father an alcholic of any kind or anything? My dad was, and I think it's because of that he was violent. But that's the most hurtful thing out of it all - you ask the questions, they never give you the answers.
For years, I was wondering 'why me?' when I have a younger brother in the house, ( but then again, my dad HATED him and wanted nothing to do with him anyway, so..) but he hurt me. I was already traumatized after watching him senselessly beat my mom until she was almost dead before my very eyes, but he added fuel to the fire, and this was after I forgave him. He knew I would. He could manipulate me and control me easily without a fight. Those fake tears and the 'I'm sorry, I'll never do it again's were enough to make me forgive him. However, he kept lieing to me and lieing to me, continuing until just 3 years ago. I get horrible flashbacks and I hear HIS voice in my head, repating everything he ever said to me. A person can only be lied to so much before they stop forgiving all-together. That's how I am, now. I don't know if you were that way with your step-father, but being manipulated and made to look like a fool is one of the most hurtful things that's happened to me..

Anyway, sorry I went into detail, there, lol. I just want to tell you that if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always PM me. I'm willing to help you through this.. I am in therapy right now, and I've only just started letting out my feelings.. but it's helping. *Hug* Take care.

galinaqt · 07-31-2006, 01:01 PM

I was suggested to go to therapy for my problems and I believe I have ptsd and sexual abuse was one of it. I tried two people randomly from insurance list and was highly disappointed, ended up having more problems thanks to them. There help was just put all blame on me in addittion to shouting, insulting, bringing bad moods and personnal probolems and dumping them on me. I got some recommendations now but still feel scared to go.