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Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board
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Old 06-20-2006, 08:52 PM   #1
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Rape -- Advice? Help?

I never have posted on the PTSD board before. I am having major issues, and have been for awhile.

I was raped when I was 13, and again when I was 15. I was in an extensive abusive relationship with the one of the guys and sustained multiple beatings, retreating to my friend's house afterwards so my parents wouldn't see. I never told anyone that could have done anything, at least not until I moved away and went to college. It's impossible to press charges or anything and honestly I doubt I would be strong enough to anyway, even if I could.

Last summer a guy I had been dating for almost two years came to visit me (he lived abroad, and we had been in a long distance relationship, which was very easy for me, and we visited eachother somewhat regularly). When he came to visit he read my journal and thought I was cheating on him. He wigged out and broke everything in my room, threw my computer out my third story balcony. Before he left, he spit on me and called me a *****. I just stood there. I didn't do a damned thing. I just cried and called my mother. The shame of not being able to do anything, even after being raped and beaten previously broke my heart. Everything came back and I'm desperately trying to get over it and move on and act normally but I just can't. That was almost a year ago.

I'm with someone else now and I have no idea if it's ever going to last because every time I get ****** off or upset I run away, I leave his house or tell him to leave mine or lock myself in the bathroom. Every time it happens I could cry for days and I don't know why. I don't have depression (I do have panic disorder) but I don't know what's wrong with me. I really like him. I want to be with him for a long time but I can't make myself work right. I can't stop wigging out every time we fight. Sometimes when we're at his house I feel like I can't escape and when we do fight, if it's not resolved right away I go insane. We just had some dumb fight about something stupid and I'm freaking out again. I left his house, then came back, I don't know why I'm constantly afraid when we fight or when he yells at me or anything. I'm not the nicest person ever either, and if I don't find a way to cope with this I'm never going to have a real relationship because I'm going to scare people away (or be scared away).

Does anyone have ANY advice? I was reading some posts about people who were sexually abused and are now married....God I don't think I'll ever get to that point...it seems I can't go for a few days without fighting or crying or trying to get away. My friends wouldn't ever understand. I don't know what to do.


Thanks.


Jessica
Boston, MA
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Old 07-20-2006, 10:04 AM   #2
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Re: Rape -- Advice? Help?

Hi there,

First I want to say I'm so sorry that you had to go through that - twice. Somebody attempted it on me once when I was a teenager, but THANK GOD a friend of mine busted in the room and saved me. It was absolutely terrifying, and I don't know what I would have done had I not been saved. I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

It's completely understandable that you are having difficulty with your relationships now. You are probably scared to trust anyone, scared to get comfortable, just plain scared. And then the jerk who threw the computer out a window and spit on you you are probably better off that you didn't react...who knows what else he would have done if you had retaliated.

Have you talked to anybody (other than on the boards) about what happened and what you are feeling? I really believe that some kind of counseling or therapy would benefit you. I am sure that you can heal from the traumatic experiences you've faced. It probably won't be easy, but I'm sure you can do it. Look at what you have survived already! That proves you are a very strong individual

I hope that you figure things out & begin to feel safe again. Good luck.

Holly~

 
Old 08-01-2006, 12:28 PM   #3
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Re: Rape -- Advice? Help?

I have some of the same things going on. I understand wigging out if the problem isnt resolved right away. When I was raped (by a friend) I was engaged to someone in Iraq and when he found out he broke up with me. Now I'm always afraid that if I let someone in, they'll leave me. You should see someone, and possibly take medication. All in all though only time can heal this sort of pain. How old are you now?

 
Old 08-01-2006, 12:57 PM   #4
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Re: Rape -- Advice? Help?

first, i wanna say that it was heartbreaking to hear your story. I'm so sorry for eveything you've been through. You know that wiggling out isn't good so try to stop doing it. I understand how you feel. Trapped and overwhelmed because of all those fights. When you have arguments with him, instead of wiggling out, try sitting down with him and telling him how you feel or relax a bit. Don't let yourself run away because that does NOT solve problems. Hope everthing works out.
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Old 08-04-2006, 10:54 AM   #5
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Re: Rape -- Advice? Help?

Hey, I'm 22. My life is actually becoming more messed up because I'm moving away at the end of August (back to NJ) because i couldn't find a job when i got out of school. I'm not sure where the relationship will go but I am so uneasy about all of this, and the way that old "ghosts", I guess, have come back to me is very disturbing. I was FINE throughout high school and the first year or so of college, then everything fell apart. It's amazing how much you try to swallow something down and how often it comes back to bite you.
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Old 08-04-2006, 03:21 PM   #6
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Smile Re: Rape -- Advice? Help?

Red -- I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. You showed some real insight though by saying we try to swallow trauma so we don't have to deal with it....only to find it bites us in the butt when we stop to get a breath of air. Sexual trauma does not just go away...no matter how many years go by. So maybe you could ask yourself this question: If I know it's not going to go away, no matter how hard I try to ignore it, what do I need to go to deal it with so it will at least become manageable? I applaud you greatly for reaching out at your age -- I didn't seek help until I was in my 40s and, by then, my life was in ruins. Please don't wait any longer to seek some professional help to work through your issues.

Your anger, lashing out, running away, trying to isolate....all of those are coping mechanisms. And they have protected you to some extent. But now you can find healthier ways to protect yourself, to express your anger in a healthy way, to work through emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them, to find a balance between isolating and healthy inward contemplation.

I also give you kudos for recognizing that this probably isn't the best time to be in a romantic relationship. If you can concentrate on you for awhile, seek some professional therapy and work through your issues, then you will be much more healthy.....and thus attract more healthy men. My therapist used to tell me that sick people only attract sick people. It was sure true in my case.....I only attracted very dysfunctional men who knew nothing about real love. Now I wouldn't date those kind of men for anything in the world.

You are a powerful woman, Red....you are unique and beautiful and have all the power at hand to heal yourself and change your world. You just might not know it yet. *smile*

Intrigue

 
Old 08-30-2006, 05:05 AM   #7
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Re: Rape -- Advice? Help?

Dear Jessica,


What you are going through is normal behavior for a person that been through trauma. The reason why you go nuts is because you really don't want to get close to your mate. You are afraid of getting hurt. You have to realize that the first rape has affected you tremendously. Perpetratres smell trauma on their victims, they look for sign like being quiet, shyness, they also will try to test you by doing something inappropreate to gauge your ability to fight back, if you freeze they got you. I don't want you to blame yourself. As I said trauma stays with us and affects our daily lives until we deal with it.
I know you like your boy friend, but the best thing maybe to try to focus on yourself and seek professional help. If he really loves you he will stay and wait for you. My suspision is that he may not be the right guy for you because you picked him with the rape still affecting your judgment. I am not puting you down when I say your mind is sick and you need to heal it, I am not judging, I just know what you are going through.
take care of YOURSELF.

 
Old 09-01-2006, 03:26 PM   #8
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Re: Rape -- Advice? Help?

I am so sorry this happened to you.
You are a survivor yours is a normal response however what happened to you is NOT. It is a crime, it is disrespectful and very hurtful. You need to normalize your life by telling your parents and seeking mental care so that you can look forward to better days and stop living on only those two days. Those two monsters changed your life don't let them define who you are.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 01:25 AM   #9
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Exclamation Re: Rape -- Advice? Help?

hi about being raped....well a couple of days ago someone attempted to rape me while i was sleeping. i know him. and im so depressed about it. the cops know but there trying to find a weirdo twist in my story, which there are NO weirdo twists i told the whole truth about everything, i feel so overally Violated and the guy seems to think he did nothing wrong. When your sleeping and you get woken up by a guy feeling you up and your skirt is up..top down and your SLEEPING, isnt this rape??? I didnt provoke him in any way to EVER think he could do this to me. Im so scared that I wont get justice. Im a good person. I need some adivce on how to deal with me feeling so violated because all I want to do is CRY CRY CRY.

 
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