Rape -- Advice? Help? - Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board

dreamingdenali · 06-20-2006, 08:52 PM

I never have posted on the PTSD board before. I am having major issues, and have been for awhile.

I was raped when I was 13, and again when I was 15. I was in an extensive abusive relationship with the one of the guys and sustained multiple beatings, retreating to my friend's house afterwards so my parents wouldn't see. I never told anyone that could have done anything, at least not until I moved away and went to college. It's impossible to press charges or anything and honestly I doubt I would be strong enough to anyway, even if I could.

Last summer a guy I had been dating for almost two years came to visit me (he lived abroad, and we had been in a long distance relationship, which was very easy for me, and we visited eachother somewhat regularly). When he came to visit he read my journal and thought I was cheating on him. He wigged out and broke everything in my room, threw my computer out my third story balcony. Before he left, he spit on me and called me a *****. I just stood there. I didn't do a damned thing. I just cried and called my mother. The shame of not being able to do anything, even after being raped and beaten previously broke my heart. Everything came back and I'm desperately trying to get over it and move on and act normally but I just can't. That was almost a year ago.

I'm with someone else now and I have no idea if it's ever going to last because every time I get ****ed off or upset I run away, I leave his house or tell him to leave mine or lock myself in the bathroom. Every time it happens I could cry for days and I don't know why. I don't have depression (I do have panic disorder) but I don't know what's wrong with me. I really like him. I want to be with him for a long time but I can't make myself work right. I can't stop wigging out every time we fight. Sometimes when we're at his house I feel like I can't escape and when we do fight, if it's not resolved right away I go insane. We just had some dumb fight about something stupid and I'm freaking out again. I left his house, then came back, I don't know why I'm constantly afraid when we fight or when he yells at me or anything. I'm not the nicest person ever either, and if I don't find a way to cope with this I'm never going to have a real relationship because I'm going to scare people away (or be scared away).

Does anyone have ANY advice? I was reading some posts about people who were sexually abused and are now married....God I don't think I'll ever get to that point...it seems I can't go for a few days without fighting or crying or trying to get away. My friends wouldn't ever understand. I don't know what to do.

Thanks.

Jessica
Boston, MA

TryN2BMommy · 07-20-2006, 10:04 AM

Hi there,

First I want to say I'm so sorry that you had to go through that - twice. Somebody attempted it on me once when I was a teenager, but THANK GOD a friend of mine busted in the room and saved me. It was absolutely terrifying, and I don't know what I would have done had I not been saved. I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

It's completely understandable that you are having difficulty with your relationships now. You are probably scared to trust anyone, scared to get comfortable, just plain scared. And then the jerk who threw the computer out a window and spit on you

you are probably better off that you didn't react...who knows what else he would have done if you had retaliated.

Have you talked to anybody (other than on the boards) about what happened and what you are feeling? I really believe that some kind of counseling or therapy would benefit you. I am sure that you can heal from the traumatic experiences you've faced. It probably won't be easy, but I'm sure you can do it. Look at what you have survived already! That proves you are a very strong individual

I hope that you figure things out & begin to feel safe again. Good luck.

Holly~

*Spaz* · 08-01-2006, 12:28 PM

I have some of the same things going on. I understand wigging out if the problem isnt resolved right away. When I was raped (by a friend) I was engaged to someone in Iraq and when he found out he broke up with me. Now I'm always afraid that if I let someone in, they'll leave me. You should see someone, and possibly take medication. All in all though only time can heal this sort of pain. How old are you now?

~charlotte08~ · 08-01-2006, 12:57 PM

first, i wanna say that it was heartbreaking to hear your story. I'm so sorry for eveything you've been through. You know that wiggling out isn't good so try to stop doing it. I understand how you feel. Trapped and overwhelmed because of all those fights. When you have arguments with him, instead of wiggling out, try sitting down with him and telling him how you feel or relax a bit. Don't let yourself run away because that does NOT solve problems. Hope everthing works out.

dreamingdenali · 08-04-2006, 10:54 AM

Hey, I'm 22. My life is actually becoming more messed up because I'm moving away at the end of August (back to NJ) because i couldn't find a job when i got out of school. I'm not sure where the relationship will go but I am so uneasy about all of this, and the way that old "ghosts", I guess, have come back to me is very disturbing. I was FINE throughout high school and the first year or so of college, then everything fell apart. It's amazing how much you try to swallow something down and how often it comes back to bite you.