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Old 07-25-2006, 06:03 PM   #1
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Exclamation rape?

i was extremely intoxicated last weekend. i had a black out. and there are very few things i remember. but i do remember having intercorse. i think i may have consented. except, i was really too drunk to have known what i was doing. if i would have been sober i wouldn't have done it. i was a virgin. i didnt feel anything during the act, thank god. but, i am concerned that this man may have raped me. he is over eighteen and i am under, so i know that it is statutory. but say he was under eighteen, is it still rape because of how far gone i was? im quite upset because i feel very violated. i lost something extremely important to me becase of a bad decision. i need some answers. what should i do?

 
Old 07-25-2006, 06:20 PM   #2
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Re: rape?

i think the degree of intoxication has less to do than if you were consensual to the relationship. You may need to contact your local Rape Crisis Center or police department especially if this someone you do not know. You need to consider being tested for STDs and pregnancy. chris

 
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Old 07-25-2006, 07:05 PM   #3
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Re: rape?

I respect Cflas's post, but have a different view about this. I feel that if you were so intoxicated that you can't remember everything, then your capcity to think clearly enough to say no was d*****ately affected- at the very least, your judgement was certainly affected.

Sweetie- whether this guy was 18, older than 18 or younger, if you were not coherent enough to make a sound choice, then what he did was possibly, at the minimum sexual abuse. He took advantage of a young girl who had obviously been drinking.

If you feel it was rape, then you need to tell someone. I know you aren't legal drinking age which isn't a good thing to begin with, but that doesn't take away from the fact that you feel like you might have been raped.

It's best not to ever place yourself in a situation like this. There are guys out there who wait for an opportunity like this, knowing that when an underage girl drinks, she normally goes way above board and gets to the point where her guard is down, her judgement is impaired and they are easy targets. Please, please, in the future, take care of you. Don't allow this to happen sweetie because you are young and have an entire life to live. You will be an adult soon enough, but for now, please try to enjoy the blessings of youth.

Be Safe! Take Care, and know that we are all here for you.

(((Hugs)))
Lezlee

 
Old 07-26-2006, 12:56 PM   #4
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Re: rape?

so, let me get this straight ozzybug. you feel that if the girl has been drinking, it's up to the guy to know this and not persue anything even if the girl says it's OK. if that's the case, at what point do you not have sex with someone, one drink,two,three?? or do we now need to carry around a breath-alyzer and set a limit of say .08? what if your on a date and the girl has a drink or two, is it now that sex with the girl is out of the question because she "MIGHT" be impaired ??

you see, I agree that men should never take advantage of a lady, but, if the girl is sober enough to say yes, then she is sober enough to say no as well, it's her decision. if she gets so drunk she doesn't know what is happening, it's as much her fault as it is his. it's one thing when talking about sex but quite another when the word "rape" is brought into it. you can ruin a persons life just with the simple mention of it.

 
Old 07-26-2006, 01:35 PM   #5
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Re: rape?

crytoomuch,
You need to be extremely careful when using the word "rape". You can ruin this guys entire life if you use it because he [I]might[I] have raped you...If he was drunk too, and you made the first move, this is by no means rape. You have no idea what happened that night. I suggest you control your drinking and have enough maturity and self responsibility to make this decision.

 
Old 07-26-2006, 02:55 PM   #6
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Re: rape?

Needto-
I get exactly what you are saying and respect that, but again, what I said is simply my opinion. If this guy really is 18, and she is much younger (and it sounds like she is) then I do feel that she may, have at the least, been taken advantage of. Young girls can be very naive and when they drink too much, are easily taken advantage of. I would have said the exact same thing if the situation was reversed and it was a young boy who was asking the question about an older woman doing the same thing.

No, she obviously isn't legal drinking age, and she took it upon herself to drink to an excess if she can't remember what exactly happened, BUT, anyone with a conscience wouldn't take advantage of that situation. Especially since the word rape can ruin someone's life.

It's the same thing with statutory "rape". I put rape in quotes because there are many cases where an underage girl has consentual sex with an older guy and vice versa (young boy/older woman). Anyway, even though it was consentual on both parties, it is considered statutory rape and is against the law. The older person, male or female, should not have engaged in the act of sexual intercourse with a minor.

I didn't say the original poster was raped because I don't know that she was. I simply stated my opinion which is what she asked for. I do understand where you are coming from and respect your opinion about it.

Either way, two wrongs don't make a right, and there is no justification for any person over the "legal" age to engage in sex with a minor. If this boy isn't over 18, then they were both probably drunk and are too young to handle alcohol and make sound decisions while consuming it. Yes, there is such a thing as not allowing yourself to be in a situation that could get you in trouble too.

But, you also have to think that there are guys out there who wait for an opportunity to take advantage of a young girl. Women who do it too, but just because she was drunk, doesn't mean that she wasn't taken advantage of either.

Last edited by ozzybug; 07-26-2006 at 03:07 PM.

 
Old 07-26-2006, 03:32 PM   #7
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Re: rape?

Quote:
Originally Posted by crytoomuch
i was extremely intoxicated last weekend. i had a black out. and there are very few things i remember. but i do remember having intercorse. i think i may have consented. except, i was really too drunk to have known what i was doing. if i would have been sober i wouldn't have done it. i was a virgin. i didnt feel anything during the act, thank god. but, i am concerned that this man may have raped me. he is over eighteen and i am under, so i know that it is statutory. but say he was under eighteen, is it still rape because of how far gone i was? im quite upset because i feel very violated. i lost something extremely important to me becase of a bad decision. i need some answers. what should i do?
Hello, I've been in the same situation before. I didn't report anything as I thought what happened was consensual. I hate to say it, but this sort of thing happens all the time. Quite often, a rape charge is extremly hard to prove because the girl was drunk. And, if she pursues charges, she is accussed of ruining the life of the boy/man who "raped" her. That is why other posters are being critical of you---because rape is a very serious charge, and yes, if you go to the police and accuss this guy of rape, his life will probably be ruined.

However, didn't he ruin your life, doing what he did? Maybe so. This is one of many very important questions that you need to ask yourself. Some of these questions are legal questions to determine if he broke a law. For example, was he drunk, too? How much do you remember about it---did he ask you if it was OK? Or did you just wake up to find him on you?

This is a very difficult debate. The answers are probably best decided by a judge. But, that means you have to go to trial, and it will not be an easy road for you.

One thing you'll want to is get tested for pregnancy and/or STDs. Tell the doctor what happened to you.

If you want to pursue charges, I think the best case (being what I know of the law) is to first pursue him for having sex with minor.

Contacting your local rape crisis center is a very good place to start.

 
Old 07-26-2006, 11:11 PM   #8
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Re: rape?

First of all, I disagree with a lot of the other posters. When someone is intoxicated, it doesn't stop them from speaking. What is does stop someone from doing is making an educated decision. If someone is obviously drunk to the point that they would have no memory in the morning, then that person is REALLY REALLY drunk and you would think that level of drunkness would be obvious. So, with that being said..........this girl obviously cannot remember in full detail everything from that night. She recalls bits and pieces. So, that is an indication of her level of intoxication that night. She was most likely stumbling, slurring, so on and so forth. You know a person is too far gone when they are at that level and very vulnerable as well, which does not make it ok no matter what.

Now, in my opinion.......someone saw that and abused it. Even if she did say yes, like I said.......intoxication doesn't stop your voice from working.....but it does stop you from making an educated decision. She thinks she may have given consent.........but obviously that is a decision she would not have made had she been sober. The only way consenting intercourse occurs is when both individuals are of sound mind and body.....both being coherent.........this was not the case for this girl......obviously. So, in my opinion.........yes, this was rape. She didn't consent, because she was in no state to give consent no matter what came out of her mouth. Oh, and if he was as far gone as her, he most likely would not have even been able to perform.......so he most likely knew what he was doing........and just took advantage of the situation because he knew he could.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 04:58 AM   #9
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Re: rape?

Barton, That's a valid along with what many others have posted. My point is that to blatently say because she was drunk obsolves her of any and all responsibility is dangerous. it is very likely that he took advantage of the situation but she put herself in that situation.

one danger in saying that "a person is too drunk to make a sound decision therefore it obsolves them of any responsibility" can be mutated into other issues, such as DUI. If a person choses to drink and drive and gets caught, using your arguement, they could argue they were too drunk to make a sound decision about driving that way and shouldn't be charged with the crime?? Not guite apples to apples but my point is that she bares equal responsibility for the result of her/they're actions.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 07:24 AM   #10
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Re: rape?

need_to_loose said "my point is that she bares equal responsibility for the result of her/they're actions."

I disagree. She does not bare equal responsibility for what happened. She was drunk and passed out. Lots of teenagers get drunk and pass out--that doesn't mean they should be subjected to an unwanted sexual act.

I've been in a very similar situation to this girl before. In my case, I'd say I even consented more than she did. But, I was intoxicated and the boys who were there knew it. Actually in my case, they helped in getting me wasted by holding beers up to my mouth to make me chug it, even though I was liking the attention. And I was drinker at the time. But, the boys were older and they used that to take advantage of me.

I'm now older and much wiser, and I'm an intelligent person, so I know what I'm talking about, and looking back on it, I can see how what they (the boys who had sex with me when I was drunk) did was wrong, and that what happened wasn't really my fault. Yes, I was partying and drinking willingly. But when they put me in a car with one of them and he proceeded to have sex with me, or hold my head down on him, that was crossing a line. I don't know if that is legally rape, but it wasn't right.

With the original poster, it sounds like a boy came up to her when she was obviously wasted and/or passed out. A boy should not just go up to a drunk girl and try to have sex with her. Even if she is somewhat coherent and says yes. Maybe that makes her somewhat responsible, maybe not.

Emotionally, it sounds like crytoomuch does think it was rape.

And crytoomuch, I hope you are doing OK. I hope you're able to heal from what happened to you. Please know that you're not a bad person for what happened. If you feel that you need help and support, or that you would like to press charges (since the guy was over 18), contact your local rape crisis center.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 12:03 PM   #11
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Re: rape?

Quote:
Originally Posted by need_to_loose
If a person choses to drink and drive and gets caught, using your arguement, they could argue they were too drunk to make a sound decision about driving that way and shouldn't be charged with the crime?? Not guite apples to apples but my point is that she bares equal responsibility for the result of her/they're actions.
Ok....look at it this way.

Scenario 1: Drunk driver wipes out entire family. This drivers actions resulted in lives being lost. Driver spends life in prison for murder.

Scenario 2: Drunk girl is raped at party. Her drunkenness resulted in her being raped. She lives the rest of her life knowing she was violated. Isn't that payment enough for her??? She didn't hurt anyone.

What happens to the rapist??? He violated someone who under normal circumstances would not have allowed herself to be violated. How does he pay for what she has to live with for the rest of her life???

The drunk driver and the rapist both hurt someone.

IMO........that responsibility should not be equal.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 01:54 PM   #12
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Exclamation Re: rape?

you can't press charges if it "might have been consented". you realize that because you feel guilty you could ruin this guy's entire life. If you are sure that he raped you, that's one thing. you need to talk to someone immediately if he did. If you were both drunk and it was consentual, you cannot go down that road.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 02:33 PM   #13
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Re: rape?

thank you all so much for your support. i am not going to press charges or anything like that. that was never my intent. no, the man was not drunk, but i do know that this kind of stuff happens all the time. i also now know what he did was not right and that i have to be more careful when i drink. i would never want to ruin somebodys life. thank you all for your opinions and i take full responsibility for my actions, but not his.

 
Old 07-27-2006, 02:40 PM   #14
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Re: rape?

I think you were totally taken advantage of. I don't think you should worry at all about "ruining" his life. He's a pervert for what he did. Like I said, teenagers get drunk all the time but that doesn't mean they should be subject to unwanted sexual acts.

And, just because this happens a lot doesn't make it right.

Make sure you get STD tested.

You sound like a strong girl, I wish you the best!

 
Old 07-27-2006, 03:51 PM   #15
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Re: rape?

As for the above poster regarding consensual sex.........consenting intercourse occurs when both individuals are of sound mind and body. Now we know she was not of sound mind and was incoherent. She was drifting in and out of it.........and he was sober, at least sober enough to do the job. So, under her level of intoxication, she wasn't able to make and educated decision or give consent for anything......which is rape.

crytoomuch.........I too wouldn't worry about ruining his life. He took advantage of you in the worst way. I really hope that you can find some inner peace in all this. I know you don't want to press charges. One thing that you should probably consider is some counseling. It couldn't hurt. Also, like the above poster said, get tested for STD's. I wish you all the best.

Last edited by barton93; 07-27-2006 at 03:54 PM.

 
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