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Old 09-27-2006, 01:44 PM   #1
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Exclamation rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

I NEED HELP!! I have been with a wonderful man for 3 1/2 years. We got engaged aug. of last year. He got deployed to Iraq. In may I went to a college party Where I passed out from drinking *big mistake* and I was raped. After I was raped I didnt go to the police because when I asked if people had saw anything everyone said no. My mother told me that it would just cause a big thing and that i probably wouldnt find out who did it anyways.Then something bad happen I ended up pregnant from being raped I found out June 14th. I couldnt have an abortion because I dont belive in them. My family brought me up that way. I fiance wanted me to have an abortion or I would lose him. I didnt have one but he decided to stay with me anyways. He went to doctors app. with me and I thought our relationship would be okay until He broke everything off on July 28th. He said he loves me more than anything and thinks about me but cant be with me anymore. He said that I shouldnt of put myself in the postion to be raped its my fault. How can I convince him that I love him more than anything and that I was raped it wasnt my fault I was raped. I love him more than anything in this world and I dont want to be without him. Can you help me?

 
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Old 09-27-2006, 01:53 PM   #2
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

You know I can't help but wonder why you want to have this guy back. He's dumped you when you need him the most because he's only thinking about himself and his feelings, it's a typical guy reaction but of course in a very serious situation. I know you love him but if he can't handle it and is blaming you for being raped (totally ridiculous) then you need to concentrate on yourself and the baby. I understand you want to convince him it wasn't your fault and that you need his support but don't bombard him as he'll only pull away more. Maybe just write him a letter that explains how you are feeling, tell him you will regret gettin drunk at the party that night forever but no one can blame you for some perverts uncontrollable urges! Maybe he'll come to his senses and stand by you but if not that's his choice and you have to make the best of things as they are.

 
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Old 09-27-2006, 02:17 PM   #3
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

maybe your fiance is wondering if you really were raped, or if you had sex willingly.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 02:42 PM   #4
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

OMG I feel sorry for you. Have you been to councelling to get some help for this? Did you ever think that you in fact may have been drugged? That's why it happened and you never knew it did? I have been drunk before but I always know what is going on around me. I don't see how this could have happened unless you were slipped something in a drink. Somebody at that party knows something. That man should be charged as he is most likely moving on to the next girl to victimize.

It was not your fault and if your fiance can't see that he is not worth having. A man who loves you would be angry and want revenge on the guy. The baby is an innocent being and it is not his/her fault. You did the honourable thing by keeping it. Your fiance may change his mind after the baby is born but don't wait around and hope for that. It is a tough thing for him to handle. Give him some time alone to wrap his head around the situation. His blaming you is misplaced anger.

Where were your girlfriends? Were they not looking out for you at this party? When I used to go out with friends we always watched each other's backs and I have had to stand between them a few guys before as they were about to be taken advantage of. I was once passed out at a date's house and my best friend was there too with her boyfriend - she kept coming in every few minutes to check up on us. The guy was a gentleman and just kept putting cold cloths on my head and making sure I was ok - that was years ago - not all guys are that nice these days

 
Old 09-27-2006, 02:53 PM   #5
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

Hi, Mandy.

Geez, I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now emotionally and physically. I think it's wonderful that you are being so strong through this .

Like browneyed-babe, I also wonder whether you might have been drugged. There have been soooo many reports on these kinds of incidents: someone slipping a drug into another's drink, waiting for the person to feel the effects of it, and then doing the insane and unforgivable to the person. It's totally not your fault; your boyfriend is wrong in this assumption. I also agree that he should be by your side if he really does indeed care about you. If he doesn't, you need to let him go, and find someone who does care. You deserve this .

I hope that you get the care that you need for yourself. Have you seen a counselor about the incident? Even if it seems like you aren't having any negative feelings about this, you need someone in your corner while you're processing this.

Take Care,
Colleen
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Last edited by Musical_Muse; 09-27-2006 at 02:54 PM.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 05:15 PM   #6
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

You are right; what happened to you is not your fault in any way.
Most people have been overly intoxicated, at least ONCE in their lives. But I do agree you may have been drugged, if you can't even remember who it was. In any case, you were not at fault, and don't believe the people who try to blame you. (That is a real problem in our society, trying to blame the victim.)

I actually think you made the right choice in not having an abortion, if that's what you really wanted.
Your boyfriend is not what you need; if he can't step up and be supportive and love you, he's just not what you need.
Concentrate on preparing to raise your child, and don't listen to those who judge you.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 05:45 PM   #7
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

I am sorry for what you are going through but there is one thing that I really don't understand - why would you not call the police? I mean, you really don't remember being with anyone that night? Did you pass out and wake up? When did you realize you were raped?

 
Old 09-27-2006, 08:16 PM   #8
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

First things first, it's hard to report a sexual assault when you're fully aware of what happened, add alcohol and possible drugging and you have a recipe for disaster. Many rape victims are too traumatized to go through with the report and many doubt that it could have happened, that maybe it was some horrible dream or imagined incident and don't want to be made a fool of. Coulda, shoulda, woulda has no place in a sexual assault...each one is different, each person different, etc. I was assaulted and can tell you from experience, how you think you will react and how you do are two different things.

Secondly, he may be blaming you because he secretly blames himself for not being there to protect you from this. Many men can't handle knowing that their gf/wife, etc. was harmed and that they should have somehow been there to protect you..just as you did not ask to be raped, he did not ask not to be there to save his sweetheart. This may be more what has pulled him away from you.

Although drinking does not give someone the right to take advantage, it is a risk anyone takes when being in the situation where drugs or alcohol might be involved....as predators know this is prime hunting ground and will gladly accept any oportunity to get away unnoticed. But, there are also cases of people who have been sober, drinking soda, have something slipped into their drink when they're not looking and the same thing happens.

That being said, I don't know how you have dealt with the rape, but the info your mom gave you was not great...you were raped, not her, and if you feel it needs to be reported or you need therapy to cope with this, then you had better stand your ground and get it. Nothing is wore than having loved ones sweep an assault under the rug, it makes the victim feel even more powerless and more at fault. You did nothing wrong and whatever path you choose to persue in this, do it for you, not for anyone around you because they are not the ones dealing with the aftermath of this and therefore, if they can't be supportive, butt out.

As far as the baby goes....are you going to keep it? Or have you decided? I can't imagine how it would be to have a reminder of things, but at the same time, the baby is another innocent that should not pay the price for what has happened. I have known people who have both kept or given up the children and have seen mixed results...do what your heart tells you to.

I hope you are finding the help you need and getting guidance from someone who has YOUR best interest at heart, not just their opinions or wishes on how you should proceed. This is a great bunch of people here and you will find a lot of support so keep posting and let everyone know how you're doing.

Lots of loves and prayers....Angel
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Old 09-27-2006, 09:49 PM   #9
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

if you didn't want to get in this type of situation then you shouldn't have been drinking. I have a question. If your family doesnt agree with abortion what do they think about you drinking and partying. That is why you got yourself in this situation in the first place. I know I am sounding harsh...but who is to say you didn't do the deed on purpose. How does your fiance know. You could totally be playing him and he knows it. Yah maybe you love him...give him time.....if he wants to make it work he will come back.

 
Old 09-28-2006, 08:07 PM   #10
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

I'm sorry this happened to you but it's kinda hard to blame your fiance. Fist of all, why is an engaged woman whose husband to be is risking his life for a dubious cause (I don't agree with the war in Iraq, but I feel bad for our soldiers) going to parties where she drinks to the point of passing out? And what's the virtue in continuing this pregnancy? This kid will always remind you of being raped, and you don't even know who did it from everything you said. I don't see anything "noble" in that. I mean, will you be able to not transfer a part of your resentment and hate on to this child whose father contributed to ruining your life as you planned it? It would really take a very unusual man to be able to be ok with what happened given the circumstances and the fact you want to continue the pregnancy. I'm really sorry someone took advantage of you in your drunken state, but that's why I think women should not put themselves in this position. I was on the train recently and there was this cute young woman going back home by herself after 10 pm, drunk as hell, vomiting all over the place. AT one point she passed out and dropped her fancy Louis Vuitton bag to the floor--it would have been SO easy for someone to rob her. I woke her up and gave her the bag and told her to hold on to it and not freaking lose it! She gave me the sweetes drunken smile in the world. When she was getting off a couple of stops later, I was wondering how the heck she's going to get home and crossing my fingers for her that she doesn't get raped or killed. In the world we live in, we have to always be conscious of the risks we're taking. Certain risks are unavoidable, but why take really stupid ones. I'm sorry for ranting and I don't mean to criticize you, but I can't really blame your fiance for not wanting to deal with this situation either. It's possible he'll change his mind once his suspicions and confusion subside. Do you really want this child? Not your parents, not what your religion might say but YOU--do YOU want this child?

 
Old 09-29-2006, 12:15 AM   #11
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

I can't help but agree with some of the others here. First of all, how long after the rape did you realize you were raped and how did you know you were raped if you were passed out and nobody was a witness to tell you that something happened? Did you tell her fiance about the rape right away? I can't say that I blame your fiance. You put yourself in this situation while your fiance was out fighting for our country. You went to a college party and got wasted to the point of passing out, got raped, then you don't report this to the police or go to a hospital!

If I were in your situation, I don't know that I could continue on with the pregnancy for more than 1 reason. First, I couldn't put my fiance through that. I could not ask my fiance to father a rapists child. Secondly, I don't know how I could possibly love a child when 1/2 of him is made up of some monster. That may be cruel of me to say, but that is how I would feel. I don't necessarily believe in terminating a pregnancy either, but this would be an exception for me. I couldn't put myself through that.

I don't mean to upset you or anything like that, but your fiance probably doesn't know what to think here. He is between a rock and a hard place. I guess depending on how this unfolded could have played a factor in your fiance leaving you, not to mention your decision to carry on with this pregnancy.

 
Old 09-29-2006, 11:55 AM   #12
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

I feel you girl. My BF (at the time) broke up with me about two weeks after I told him I was raped. I had thought I had gotten an STD from this guy and confided in him and that's when he dumped me... He said because I wouldnt be able to have kids.... It was SOO hard at first but in the end I realized he was a BASTA** and I was better off without him. Someone who loves you would never leave you in a time of crisis like that. I suggest you get some conselling ASAP. You may not feel it now, but PTSD is common after stuff like this happens.... Just hang on tight you can get through this!
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Old 09-29-2006, 02:14 PM   #13
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

I think ppl r bein a bit judgmental here...so you got too drunk and passed out. I've passed out b4 and it was really sudden so I dont think ne1 can put the blame at your door for that. Bodies are funny things and sometimes we react differently to alcohol than we expect so plz dont think that bcos u got drunk its your fault in any way.

You are being so strong in the decision to keep the baby, I would do the same as I don't think it's a child fault. However maybe your fiance is feeling threatened that you want to keep something which will remind you of that? Which prob leads to doubts about if it was rape or not (I've spoken with my boyf and he said it wld be hard to know if a gf was telling th truth or using it as an excuse for infidelity). I dnt no what you can do bout that so same as my last post- concentrate on u and this baby.

 
Old 09-29-2006, 03:48 PM   #14
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

I think sometime's we just make bad choices and to me going to a party alone and drinking until you pass out is a bad choice.However,I do not think the rape was your fault.As far as the pregnancy goes you should do what you feel is best for you.I would reccomend you at least get some counseling for this the rape and now this pregnancy unbiased counseling not a counselor that is gonna try and sway you towards what they think.Maybe you can still report this if that is what you choose to do.As far as your b/f I agree with some of the others here he is probably feeling alot of things right now and is confussed just does'nt know for sure what to think.He already had tons on his plate being in a war so try and give him some slack and yes he may come back around and feel differently.I am sorry you are in this really rotten situation and I hope things get much better for you you did'nt deserve this remember that.

 
Old 09-30-2006, 05:21 AM   #15
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Re: rape..pregnant..fiance left please help!

We could all sit here being judgemental and deciding who is at fault and who is not but there is one issue that is not being addressed here.

obviously the rapist didnt use a condom so therefore you and your unborn child are at risk of STD's including HIV. You really do need to get this checked out as well as getting some counselling for the rape and also how you will cope raising this child if thats what you intend to do..
Its not too late to go to the police either, as they can check the DNA of the baby and the 'father' can be identified that way.
sending you my very best wishes
daisy xxx

 
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