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Old 03-15-2007, 09:28 PM   #1
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hergy HB User
Rape and Male Relationships

Man, I wish I could let down my wall with men.

I get terrible flashbacks now that I'm 'feeling' as a result of therapy. And I'm hating men more than ever. I'm suspicious and extremely judgemental. I have trust issues with both men and women, but I've never let my guard down with a man, not even my father.

I've had guys express interest, but I suspect their motives and easily avoid those potential relationships.

I once connected emotionally with a man, and my guard began to fall. I felt normal. I never had a relationship with him, but I allowed myself to have a very personal conversation. He was married, though. His wife is bipolar, but refuses to take medication. They're now separated, but he loves her dearly. In our lengthy conversation, it was apparent that he was sincerely selfless and loving. He understood her and stuck by her so long. He can't let go of her in his heart. But he understood me and expressed that in words I never thought I'd hear from a man. He was pulling toward me emotionally, but pulled away out of loyalty for his wife. I respect that, which makes him even more appealing.

Men and women are both human. Both have feelings, intellect and love. I hate that my 4-year-old sensibility evokes such a strong hatred. In an effort to get normal, I search constantly for factors that prove that men are just as loving, vulnerable and caring as women. But my wall seems impenetrable.

I've never had a desire to have a romantic relationship, but the older I get, the more I regret never having a sexual encounter. That's such a small part of male/female companionship, but I've yet to desire the companionship of a man.

I've recently begun to build a small group of nude photos of myself to build self-esteem and have something to remember the vitality I once had. I'm even tempted to post some on the photo site of which I'm a member. Sorry ICC and Sid, I feel like a freak.

Well, that's all. I don't have any answers, just a funk.

Nikki

Last edited by hergy; 03-17-2007 at 02:03 AM. Reason: clarification

 
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Old 03-16-2007, 03:19 AM   #2
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Nikki,

Why did you apologize to ICC and me???? You don't need too. You are a grown woman. That said........Yes I will try and convince you NOT to post anything on the web......

Nikki,

What you lack is self esteem....SELF is the operative word here...SELF SELF SELF.......If you don't have SELF esteem.... Do you really think that a bunch of ogling, perverted, sickos are going to fulfill that for you????? Do you think that it's YOUR BODY that men fall in LOVE with????? If that is the case...Then once he is done with your BODY he will move on.... Wouldn't you rather work on getting you head out of your A** and getting it on straight, learn to love yourself for the person that you are, stopping all of the self harm, and becoming healthy FIRST.... THEN and only then will a MAN truly love YOU for the wonderful human being that you are.....

As I said before you are an adult, and will eventually do what you want.....Just remember that EVERY decision we make it life, CAN come back to haunt us.... I would truly hate to see you do something now, and 10 yrs down the road have it bite you in the A** and ruin things for you.... REMEMBER the WEB NEVER goes away. EVERYTHING we do or say is here forever.......

Hugs,

Sid

 
Old 03-16-2007, 04:59 AM   #3
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Nikki,

Sid is so right!!

I understand your need. I have been divorced since 1985, and TO THIS DATE I have not even had a date with a man, let alone sex...22 yrs...count them...22 yrs. I have no trust in men, they actually scare the s*** out of me, and I am very guarded with women.

It is very painful for me to live such a lonely life with zero close friends, no one to give me a hug at the end of the day and welcome me home, no one to cuddle with to watch a movie, no one to bring me a bowl of soup when I am sick. Some of my deepest depression episodes have been due to my extreme loneliness and the feeling of isolation from the world.

But I would never expose myself to do something that exposed my soul, which is what you are asking of yourself by just considering posting your photos...my personal opinion here.

Sid is very right!! Men who frequent those sites are not looking for a lasting relationship, but to steal from you, who you are...a caring, loving person. Then once they have use you up, they are gone on to the next "great looking picture."

For me to seek an intimate relationship does not begin with my body, it begins with my mind. It begins with who I AM. It is said that a good relationship should begin with friendship. If an intimate relationship to be had, it will evolve out of that friendship over time. Until my mind is clear and thinking straight, via therapy, I have no business seeking any kind of relationship.

For me, just having a sustaining friendship has never been successful...until now...because of my lack of self-esteem, insecurities I have and my disbelief that anyone would want me in their life to begin with.

The one friend I have at this point in time I stumbled upon last April. She is an incredibly awesome person. When I revealed my mental health to her last Sunday (PTSD, OCD, SI), as I knew she would, she listened and did not run away. This is a good start for me as I learn to build HEALTHY relationships.

Please stop and listen to yourself.

Listen to what you are saying about yourself.


What I hear you saying is that how your body looks is more important than who you are. That your physical appearance is more important that what your mind and intellect have to offer to a potential partner.

Have you told your therapist about all of this? If not, may be a good subject to bring to that table.

Please continue to discuss this issue here, before taking any online action.

PLEASE!!


I would rather to continue to be regretfully lonely than to have an UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP any day.

((((((((HUGS))))))))
Carolyn

 
Old 03-16-2007, 05:46 AM   #4
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

I Thought This Was About Rape Victims Who Naturally Developed A Problem Relating To Men I'M NOW MOVING ON TO I KNOW HOW THE WOMEN FEELS THATS SAYS SHE'S HAVING FLASHBACKS DUE TO THERAPY I'VE BEEN GOING THRUOGH THE SAME THINGS AFTER YEARS OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND FINALLY ESCAPING I BUILT A WALL AND WAS VERY SCARED OF SEX AND COULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR A GOOD MAN I FOUND MYSELF BEING A SINGLE MOTHER AFTER LEAVING A MAN WHO REALLY LOVED ME EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOW GOOD FRIENDS IT TOOK ME YEARS TO GET HELP AND A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AFTER GETTING INTO AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BRING IT ALL BACK THE 2 YEARS OF THERAPY IT TOOK TO GET IT ALL OUT CAUSED ME 3 HOSPITALIZATIONS DON'T BE LIKE ME AND HOLD IT ALL IN LETTING IT OUT WILL MAKE I T WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTERT BUT I PROMISE YOU THE FLASHBACKS WILL GO AWAY

Last edited by cmatt; 03-16-2007 at 05:54 AM. Reason: TOO SHORT

 
Old 03-16-2007, 09:22 AM   #5
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

I understand. I'm 42 and it has been a long time since I"ve had a boyfriend because I have not wanted one at all I was so hurt by him that it just made me shut myself off even more than from the abuse I had already suffered and to shut down totally on the romance side of life. I'm realizng now that shutting others out just leaves me alone. Like someone said, no one to come home to, no one to talk to, no one to hug, no one to help me make major life decicions, no one to comfort me when I'm sick, ect, ect, ect. No one.......I'm working on it...I've dated a few times the last couple of years, because I have made myself try to get into that world, and my T keeps trying to to encourage me to do so, but when I think about having a romantic relationship, all i see are flashbacks and all i feel are the sensory flashbacks and I would rather be alone.

You gotta do what you gotta do....and if posting nude pictures is what you gotta do then I"m not going to judge you........but, for me, that would just feel like being raped all over again when a bunch of peoeple (nutcases, sickoes, weirdoes and all) could be viewing me anytime they wanted and thinking anything they wanted..........I respect my body too much to want to want to make it known to anyone except the right person of my own choosing....


JHope you find some peace and whatever decision you make, I hope it is the right one for you that will bring you the joy and peace that you seek...

 
Old 03-16-2007, 10:51 AM   #6
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Dearest Nikki, you are just not ready for an intimate relationship with a man yet but if you keep working you will get there one day. I had to get over a fear of intimacy. You write that you connected once with a married man. You know why you did? Because he wasn't available, so you felt safe enough to get closer. If he would have been truly available you would have run fast. I know, I have been there. This was what sent me to my first therapist when I was in my mid 20's. I was only attracted to men who were not available and then I would be all upset when I couldn't have them. When you are afraid of intimacy it is just too scary to let anyone get close but of course you crave closeness! When you are ready it will happen. Don't let the cart get in front of the horse.

Last edited by Sannah; 03-16-2007 at 10:53 AM.

 
Old 03-16-2007, 07:55 PM   #7
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
You write that you connected once with a married man. You know why you did? Because he wasn't available, so you felt safe enough to get closer. If he would have been truly available you would have run fast.
Again, today, Sannah you are blowing my mind with clarity. That IS why I liked him! I never thought about it thoroughly until you brought that up.

You're right about me now. I'm actually not even interested in an intimate relationship or any other kind of relationship with a man. But when you know you can't do a thing, you have no choice. I'd like to think that if I wanted to, I could feel comfortable with a guy.

It's my twisted, obsessive thinking that keeps me dwelling on the thought that the years that pass me are wasted. My life's not over, but most people have passed so many milestones by the time they're my age. I feel like I got left behind and am looking to collect every experience I can to catch up.

My desire for companionship is satisfied by the couple of close friends I have. If I had begun to fear intimacy in my 20s, I'd be craving a feeling I'd had before. I've never craved a relationship with a man at all. That's what makes me feel like a freak. I don't feel like I'm missing out, but when you're the corn stalk in the pumpkin patch, you know you don't belong.

Thanks so much for making me think, Sannah. You have a calming effect on me. Your openness means a lot to me and has helped me more than you know.

Love,

Nikki

 
Old 03-16-2007, 08:17 PM   #8
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by stick2013 View Post
What you lack is self esteem....REMEMBER the WEB NEVER goes away. EVERYTHING we do or say is here forever.......
Thanks for the scary message, Sid. I've got "the web never goes away" echoing in my head.

I am lacking in the self esteem department. Do I think men want a body? Yes. Do I think they'll move on after they get it? Yes. I've always felt that way. That's why I actually don't want one. I want to want one so I can be like the rest of the world and stop feeling like a circus freak.

I do need to get my head out of my a**. I love your bat.

Good grief, Sid, I don't want to be a porn star! I'm a member of an international photo site that prohibits porn, bad language, and the like. Members post their own work. Occasionally someone will upload an image that contains tasteful nudity, nothing pornographic. Memberships are cancelled for questionable content.

I am so guarded and private I guess nudity liberates me, allows me to connect with the world from which I feel so alienated....Mmm, what I just said is true, but it sounded like a load of art crap even to me. I was going to erase it, but I left it for you.

I love you, Sid!

Nikki

 
Old 03-16-2007, 08:35 PM   #9
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by orchardlady View Post
What I hear you saying is that how your body looks is more important than who you are. That your physical appearance is more important that what your mind and intellect have to offer to a potential partner
I'm glad you said that. It does come down to what you just said.

My only experience with males has left me with the feeling that my body should be reserved only for the pleasure of another. In my mind, pleasure could only come from the abusive treatment of someone who degraded me and used me. I've felt that way all my life.

When I had a problem with SI, I never used to cut my arms, torso, legs, neck or face because my body belongs to an abuser. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship. I've simply been feeling like my body's going to waste because no one is using it. Plus, I'm no longer damaging it through SI.

I guess therapy has been building my feelings of self worth, which has left me feeling that my body is purposeless.

Thanks, orchardlady. You've given me quite a bit to think about.

Love,

Nikki

 
Old 03-16-2007, 08:50 PM   #10
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmatt View Post
I Thought This Was About Rape Victims Who Naturally Developed A Problem Relating To Men....I PROMISE YOU THE FLASHBACKS WILL GO AWAY
cmatt,

This thread is about a rape victim who naturally developed a problem relating to men. I was raped repeatedly by a group of older boys when I was 4. I've hated men all my life.

After a breakdown in December 2005, I was in and out of 3 hospitals, as well.
My therapy has been successful during the past year and I have made progress. Because of that progress, my deadened feelings are awakening. So my flashbacks are no longer pictures, they're moving memories that allow me to feel just how horrible the incidents really were.

So, again, I'm hating men, suspecting their motives and assuming the worst.

Thanks for posting. I'm counting on what you said: that the flashbacks will go away.

My best,

Nikki

 
Old 03-16-2007, 09:02 PM   #11
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost_in_Time View Post
You gotta do what you gotta do....and if posting nude pictures is what you gotta do then I"m not going to judge you........but, for me, that would just feel like being raped all over again when a bunch of peoeple (nutcases, sickoes, weirdoes and all) could be viewing me anytime they wanted and thinking anything they wanted..........I respect my body too much to want to want to make it known to anyone except the right person of my own choosing..
You are very comforting. You also don't beat around the bush. You've given me plenty to think about.

Thanks for opening up. It feels good to know someone understands.

I agree with what you said about the photos, but I don't respect my body and, I guess without the SI I dropped a few weeks ago, I'm looking for abuse.

I know how difficult it is to make the steps you're making now. You deserve peace as much as the peace you wished upon me. You said, "when I think about having a romantic relationship, all I see are flashbacks and all I feel are the sensory flashbacks and I would rather be alone." Don't push yourself. Don't hide, but don't make yourself do something when you're not ready.

Thanks for caring and showing me your support.

Love,

Nikki

 
Old 03-16-2007, 11:19 PM   #12
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Those flashbacks suck! I know, I'm going through them now, too. Sometimes I want to give up on getting better & go back to forgetting. Why do we have to go through this, anyways? I also had a long relationship with a married man - one of the worst things I've ever done, in hindsight.
Linmarie

 
Old 03-17-2007, 05:02 AM   #13
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

good morning all ---- Nikki you have been given great advise here. I understand the need for abuse as you ahve stopped abusing yourself. I answered a post of the SI board that I was a little afraid to due to my lack of experience with Si but kno win my heart that I herar all of you clearly. It is an addiciton and now the you don't cut anymore are looking for another. You need to replace it with good behaviour. No one is abusing you now so you are uncomfortable and feel the need to abuse yourself. We have all done that in different ways. Personally I set myself up in abusive situations. Dumb but i do. Though I try not to they seem to find me. As far as your nude pictures I could use the bat for your apology. Not necessary. We all understand but please listen to all and look at them yourself and stare and look until you have fallen in love with yourself. FREAK??? what did I tell you. Different scars but i'll tell you that when I met my husband i was 41 and looked 25 tiny, little body that i could still put in a bikini. NOW One boob is 2 inches bigger than the other, meno has caused all body parts to drop and need picked up to put back where they belong, lots of gray hair, a belly beyond belief and little scars all over. You know what Nikki? Hubby probably loves me more now. It's my mind,heart and soul. The older body isn't a turn off either. When the time is right and you are ready someone wonderful will come into your life and love you as you deserve to be loved. scars and all. physical and emotional. I also agree with the married man. He understood your needs BUT was unavailable and therefore safe to you. It will happen. In it's time.

Hugs,
Grasshopper

 
Old 03-17-2007, 10:44 PM   #14
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

I posted 3 photos. I removed the most revealing one. But the other two are still up. And I feel low and full of shame. They are the 'artistic' kind, and much less revealing than you probably think. I know it sounds lame, but they're not cheap flashes. Still, I feel like I've betrayed myself and shown the world a damaged girl I don't respect.

Lots of other photographers upload such self portraits much more revealing than mine, but I hate myself. My face isn't in the photos, black and whites, lace and lots of shadows. I'm not getting a liberating feeling, but I feel powerless to remove the shots.

I posted them under a different username and email address than my regular page. I don't want the folks with whom I communicate on the site to associate my work with exposure of my body in any way. I like the respect I get on my regular page.

I sold out. You're right about the consequence Lost in Time. I've already gotten lots of hits, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

I'm sinking a bit. I think this was the climax of an OCD and other crap combo. I don't know what to do with myself.

I'll address it in therapy, but if I don't post, know I'm ok. Just too ashamed to communicate right now. Lots going on in my screwed up head. Lots going on. Lots I didn't tell you guys.

Thanks for the advice. I should've taken it.

Love,

Nikki

 
Old 03-18-2007, 04:38 AM   #15
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Re: Rape and Male Relationships

Ok Nikki let's talk. 1st of all we all offer advise and we are all free to take what we need and leave the rest behind. Our decisions are our own to pick and choose. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. My opinion is that you are at a crossroads. You cannot get rid of the rape. It's till there even more prominately since you have stopped cutting. NORMAL! It is your main issue and without the cutting you are left with it wider open than it has ever been before. You have talked to your Mom and conquered your fears there, you have stopped cutting and what an accomplishment that is. What's left? Your anger, hurt, sadness and lifelong battle with the pain of the rapes. The rapes are what you need to deal with in therapy because they are still haunting you and still make you abuse yourself. You posted nude pictures? OK, no one knows they are you. You didn't like the feeling of being hit on did you? You know that now. You somehow needed to be raped again. Am I making sense so far? In your mind's search to be in a normal relationship with a man, though you say you don't want one, you are trying in the only way you know how. To be abused and used.Nikki everyone needs to be loved. Our fears stop us but it doesn't mean we don't wish we had the relationship of our dreams. You feel as if life has passed you by? Sid and I are both in our 50's and I believe Carolyn is also, Lost is in her 40's. We all feel we have missed alot of what might have been if not for our pasts. BUT that doesn't mean it is ever too late. You posted the pictures , didn't feel good about it, felt raped again. Now you know. You didn't cause the rapes but you cannot set yourself up for more. It's not what you're looking for. You're looking for love. If sex comes with it great , if not Oh well for now. You say there is more you haven't told us. You have your right to privacy BUT please don't run from us because you feel we look at you any differently than we did 2 days ago because we don't, and I speak for all of us. So leave your pictures up, take them down but get your head out of your butt and get back here before too much time goes on and you cause yourself more hurt and abuse. Let us at least help you struggle through your feelings on this issue. No need to do it alone. No one here is judging you and never will. But no one wants you to run and hide either. You need to talk this through and we are all here for you. I expect to see you soon. Not in a week or two. Today. Nikki think of how you would feel if you knew one of us really had something stuck and ran from the group and you. It's right on the edge so let's deal with it while it's there, before you start burying your feelings. I know it hurts and it's hard and confusing. That's why we are all here. we understand that.

Love and Hugs,
Grasshopper

Last edited by ICC; 03-18-2007 at 06:48 AM.

 
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