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Old 04-02-2007, 08:46 AM   #1
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Question need advice/ rape/ family member

hello all,
i have a question? when i was 9 yrs. old i was raped by a family member..my dad's twin sisters son. im 36 now. i did tell my mom and dad, so they new, but didnt do anything b/c it was a family member. so i had forgot about it until i started haveing sex. at 17 yrs. old then i started remembering things, and confronted my parents. went to counseling.. then we confronted the family member. all he said was, " i sorry! " and i told him i WOULD NOT TAKE HIS APOLGOLY AND NEVER FORGIVE HIM!" and of course he still comes around and it makes me sick!
so HERES MY QUESTION? should i forgive him since its been so many yrs. and try to let it go????? ill never forget it and when he comes around its a reminder... but theres nothing to be done about him coming around... AND ALSO.... heres a real good one!!!! hes sick and this is ugly of me, but when he dies, would it be wrong if i dont go to the funeral??????
hope someone can give me advise......
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Old 04-02-2007, 09:23 AM   #2
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Re: rape/family member?

Julie -

the thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing are totally normal given the unfortunate situation that you had to deal with. It is very common for a woman to have flashbacks of being raped during consentual intercourse. I know that you said that you went to counseling, but I'm wondering if that clinician specialized in dealing with sexual trauma. It might not be a bad idea to looking into counseling again, especially given the fact that he is a family member and you are going to have ongoing contact with him.

Also, the idea of forgiveness is an interesting one to me. I think that before we can forgive another we have to come to turn with things ourselves. Forgiving is a powerful tool and when we forgive another we are doing it for us, not them. I mean just because we forgive does not make to wrong right. Forgiving is empowering to us because it allows us to let go of the pain and do so on our terms not anybody else's say so. I think before we get to this point, we need to work through the feeings of anger, embarassment, shame, anxiety, depression, and guilt. Sounds like a lot I know, but believe me it is all interrelated.

Let me know what you think.

 
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Old 04-02-2007, 09:51 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: rape/family member?

Hi Julie, anyone who would rape a 9 yr old has serious character and moral flaws. This is someone who I would hate to be around even if they never layed a finger on me.

Also, the fact that your parents didn't do anything about it because he was a family member disturbs me.

I do not think that it would be ugly of you if you don't go to his funeral.

Scarlet, I don't know if this was a typo or what but you wrote "raped during consentual intercourse". What is this? It's either rape or its consentual.

Last edited by Sannah; 04-02-2007 at 09:52 AM.

 
Old 04-02-2007, 10:29 AM   #4
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Re: rape/family member?

thnks for the reply,
well i didnt go to counceling but once, so i guess i havent dealt with it, but with it being a family member, well, its really hard. i do mention it to my mom and she says, i seem to bring it up a good bit, but we really dont say much about it. the only other time we had discuised it was when it all came out in the open. i guess u could say it was a hush, hush, situation and it was suppose to be forgot about, but i havent fogotten...
as for the forgiveness, i dont think i could forgive him.. if i did it wouldnt be for him but for me... but i have come to relalize that i didnt do anything wrong, so i dont blame myself... but i guess this is something i wont ever forget... and how do u deal with it, when its put in the past.... and u dont wanna bring it up b/c it was so long ago and u dont wanna hurt anyone, like my dad.... i guess its better to be forgoten about and put it in the past.....
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Old 04-02-2007, 10:39 AM   #5
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Re: rape/family member?

ALL OF MY FLASHBACKS OF THE RAPE COME OUT WHEN I STARTED HAVEING SEX FOR THE FIRST TIME AT 17 YRS OLD AND it was consentual, it just bought all the past experience of the rape.. i had block it out i guess until then and then started haveing flashbacks and i asked my mom about it and she confirmed...
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Last edited by Administrator; 12-01-2010 at 10:06 AM.

 
Old 04-02-2007, 10:49 AM   #6
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raznboersnkids HB User
Re: need advice/ rape/ family member

not a person in my family knows this , I wasnt raped but I was "felt up" so to speak by a family member at church. I ran and hid in the bathroom, I never spoke to him again, I never forgave him, he died shortly thereafter ( I was 12 he was in his late 50s early 60s) I didnot go to his funeral, I was glad he was gone. I dont feel bad about the way I feel. You can forgive if you want to but I chose not to, I am happy with my decision. You didnot ask for it to happen, he made it happen, I dont think I would forgive, I couldnt. It takes a very sick minded human to do things to a child. They should burn for it as far as Im concerned.

 
Old 04-02-2007, 12:55 PM   #7
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Re: need advice/ rape/ family member

I don't think anyone would blame you for not attending his funeral, or wanting anything to do with him at all. I certainly wouldn't want to be around someone who violated me like that. Apology or not, that's not something that would ever be forgetten, and I don't think it should be forgiven.

I say avoid being around him as much as you can. Not that you should miss out on family activities because of him... but personally, I'd rather skip the family outting than put myself through that emotional tourment.

Your mom and dad know, but does anyone else in the family? If so, how have they handled it? Honestly, I'm not sure I'd really want him coming around, especially if there are any young kids in the family. Maybe it's wrong to hold something against someone so long after the fact.. but seriously, how can you not.. not something like that.

I think your feelings are justified. If you can't avoid him, then do your best not to interact with him. If you're no longer seeing a counselor, maybe you should. It may help.

Good luck, and sorry for your difficult circumstances.

 
Old 04-02-2007, 04:38 PM   #8
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Re: rape/family member?

Forgiveness is something my therapist has/had been talking to me about. I won't forgive myself for having been a victim. In forgiveness there is usually pennance, you know when a person has to do something to help the forgiveness along. Like in his case, he should have gone to jail, then to counseling, years of sufferings then maybe you would forgive him.

I wouldn't worry so much about him, he can jump in a big lake. Instead worry about yourself. Have you forgiven yourself for the burden of this awful rape? Talk to a therapist about this. He can pay for this therapy, if you need be. Then after you have gone over this with a therapist you can decide what you need to do next.

There is nothing wrong with hating him for a while.

 
Old 04-03-2007, 07:47 AM   #9
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: rape/family member?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dantheinsane View Post
I won't forgive myself for having been a victim. In forgiveness there is usually pennance, you know when a person has to do something to help the forgiveness along.
Dan, until you learn the skills to stop being a victim it isn't your fault that you were a victim! You, me, everyone in this boat, we became victims because of our upbringing and we had no control over this. What pennance do you have to pay before you forgive yourself?

 
Old 04-03-2007, 07:50 AM   #10
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Re: rape/family member?

Julie, I think that when a child is told to forget about a trauma like this that it can be worse than the original trauma. For you to heal, you do not have to get anyone in your family involved. The healing is going to occur in your own head with a therapist. Dragging in everyone else will just cause trouble.

 
Old 04-05-2007, 01:13 PM   #11
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Re: rape/family member?

I think you might want to considering writing a letter to the state's attorney in your area, and explain what happened to you. The statute of limitations would have expired by now, but it would alert law authorities that there is a dangerous person in the area. And, certainly, it is natural for you to not want to ever see the person who raped you again; it was an unconscionable act, a brutal act, and an unforgivable act. Unfortunately people who that often continue to do so that is why the letter to the state's attorney is appropriate.

 
Old 04-06-2007, 11:31 AM   #12
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shapleybug HB User
Re: need advice/ rape/ family member

Quote:
Originally Posted by julie39180 View Post
hello all,
i have a question? when i was 9 yrs. old i was raped by a family member..my dad's twin sisters son. im 36 now. i did tell my mom and dad, so they new, but didnt do anything b/c it was a family member. so i had forgot about it until i started haveing sex. at 17 yrs. old then i started remembering things, and confronted my parents. went to counseling.. then we confronted the family member. all he said was, " i sorry! " and i told him i WOULD NOT TAKE HIS APOLGOLY AND NEVER FORGIVE HIM!" and of course he still comes around and it makes me sick!
so HERES MY QUESTION? should i forgive him since its been so many yrs. and try to let it go????? ill never forget it and when he comes around its a reminder... but theres nothing to be done about him coming around... AND ALSO.... heres a real good one!!!! hes sick and this is ugly of me, but when he dies, would it be wrong if i dont go to the funeral??????
hope someone can give me advise......
Firstly it's hard for you to see him, and if i were you i'd try to stop him from coming into your home, no one should have to deal with that. can your parents not prevent this seeing as they know about it ????

I think the main point here is to what happens now, I like you were raped, all i can say to you is how i coped.

I did NOT let him win! by that i mean i have been able to go on and i now have an amazing sex life, i have not forgiven him, but i do understand why it happend ( he was bgought up in a violent household so to him that was love and he was 13 at the time )

so i made the decision that this was not to be compared to love making with my boyfriend, it comes no where near and that was how i managed to seperate the 2.

In addition to that i have helped other women like you who have been through it, so in effect i have turned a negative into a positive.

funeral ? I'd stay away and wouldn't blame you at all.

other than that, if you still find it hard goihng maybe hypnosis will help, but the main thing is stop having to see him.

best of luck

Sarah XXXX

 
Old 11-25-2010, 04:30 AM   #13
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hlnorg HB User
Re: rape/family member?

Hi Julie, sorry you had to go through what you did - my heart goes out to you.

It's been quite a while since this post, and I really do hope you have gotten some counseling and is doing okay. Forgiveness is a very difficult facet of life's experience, yet one that is so absolutely necessary in order for anyone to live a healthy, happy life. It is possible to forgive even such a hideous crime but very difficult without proper counseling. I pray that you will be able to overcome, forgive and get pass this so that you will be able to live a healthy, normal, happy lifestyle.

In the meantime, I would not want to keep seeing this person on a regular basis. I just don't believe it will help the healing process, if anything it will hinder it. One thing that I believe would help me in my healing would be to not see him again and create a picture in my mind of a troubled, frail individual who was out of touch with himself for a moment and is very remorseful.

To answer your question, going to his funeral in my opinion, would give me a sense of empowerment and closure if you will, but it is also okay if you do not go to his funeral. If you have gotten to the point of forgiveness, you will go to his funeral.

All the best!

 
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