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Old 07-13-2007, 08:09 PM   #1
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Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

Well, to start things off. I am 19 now, my girlfriend is 17, we've been together about 3-4 months. And she is my third girlfriend, whom i lost my virginity to.

She just today admitted to me that she was well, raped, twice. This was years ago though, both around the same time, when she was 14ish. One was with a total stranger whom she doesnt even remember her name, and another was with someone familiar. Honestly, i told her just what she wanted to hear, that i still love her the same, that nothing changed, that i dont think its disgusting, that i am not upset or angry with her.

But honestly, i am disgusted, and i shouldnt take it out on her, its not her fault, but we have unprotected sex because she is on birth control and both of us have been tested for any diseases. Since i found this out, honestly, i dont want to have sex with her again. Which i know is horribly unfair to her, its not her fault, and she at first wouldnt tell me because she thought i would take it a bad way. But i sadly dont want to have sex with her anymore, and i know its terrible, and i know its not her fault in any way, just when i do, i know i will see little flashbacks and picturing it all happening again.

After she told me, i just reassured her, calmed her down, and said i have to go home. I told her its because im getting extremely furious on the inside, which i honestly was, because i kept picturing it in my head, which i was. Its hard now, because i know when i see her, i will have that image in my mind. I told her i will buy her some pepper spray in her purse, which i will. But i feel like such a terrible person for saying this, i dont know if i can ever have sex with her again, or even see her as often because ill see those images.

What should i do guys. I honestly dont know. Im horrible with relationships, all of mine have failed because of girls taking advantage of me, now i finally get one who cares about me, and i find this out. Im just so horribly confused, i dont know what to do. Please help.

 
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Old 07-13-2007, 08:30 PM   #2
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

First, you need to put your personal "needs" on the back burner and focus on her. If she knows the person who most recently raped her then she should really report it. You should try to talk to her about that. Also talk to her about counseling. Its a very, very traumatic and scarring experience to have to go through alone. Telling you was probably a huge step for her, but she should really seek professional help, someone who can help her cope with what happened. It could end up effecting her and other relationships throughout life.

If she does see a therapist, you could probably even join in on some sessions. You can learn how to handle the news yourself. And both of you can learn how to move forward.

This is her demon, something that will stay with her always. I know you're having a hard time accepting it, but you need to really be there for her. You will need to be a selfless as possible and just simply be there. If you really do care about her, then you will want to do whatever you can to help her, right?

You have every right to be angry that this could happen to her. I even understand being disgusted.. not by her, but by the heinous act itself.

I'm really not sure I understand though why she would now be less appealing to you. Do you feel like she is somehow tainted, or something? Or do you doubt her story? I'm not exactly sure how to advise you on your disinterest in sex now.. other than trying to remember why you are with her in the first place, all the things you like (or love) about her. Really try to put it out of your mind by focusing on all the positives.

 
Old 07-13-2007, 08:31 PM   #3
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

Wow! You know that is not right. You should not be feeling this if you love her? Rape is very hard to deal with and it is going to make it harder on her if you even let on a little to this is why you are acting different. Maybe you should see a professional about this?

I have been through this and my BF at the time left me for it and I have had a fear of being left again (by anyone) since. So be careful.
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Old 07-13-2007, 08:39 PM   #4
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

I think its more of a case that now i cant look at her face without getting infuriated. Its really bad that i feel this way, and i know it. Im a horrible person for feeling this, maybe its just the shock talking right now, but i had her as my background on my phone, i had to change it because when i see that i just get really really angry. Not angry at her, just in general. I dont know if i could have sex with her either, because sadly, i think whenever i do have sex with her now, i will just have that image in my mind, and that image makes my blood boil. I kept my cool around her today because i know she was really sensitive about it, so i told her what she wanted to hear, and i said i have to leave because i dont know if i can bottle my anger anymore. She totally understood, thankfully.

Also there is no point reporting it, she doesnt even remember one of the people (which is the part that disgusts me), and the other person was dealt with, but not by her parents or by the authorities. This was all over 3 years ago.

 
Old 07-13-2007, 08:51 PM   #5
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

I just wanted to add some scary information regarding rape..its actually more common than people realize, mostly b/c girls don't report it, or tell anyone it ever happened.

2 out of 3 woman will have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime
65% of rape victims will be victimized by someone they know
5% of woman are raped by a relative
35% by an acquaintance
28% by their husband/boyfriend
32% by a stranger
Only 37% of rape victims report the crime
(these stats came from the RAINN website. RAINN is "Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.)

It's scary that one of the higher percentages of by an acquaintance.. that could be a trusted friend, a co-worker...

Scary..

 
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Old 07-13-2007, 08:56 PM   #6
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazer 77 View Post
Also there is no point reporting it, she doesnt even remember one of the people (which is the part that disgusts me), and the other person was dealt with, but not by her parents or by the authorities. This was all over 3 years ago.
Was it a stranger and that's why she doesn't remember.. she can't remember facial features or something? Or was it some guy at a party and she can't remember who it was b/c there were so many people there?? (or something similar?)

Maybe you need to take your anger out elsewhere. Maybe if you take action to help raise awareness it will help you. Then you won't just be angry, you'll be taking action to help a cause. Why don't you go alone to a counselor, even the school counselor and just talk to them about your anger. They may be able to help advise you on how to address it.

 
Old 07-13-2007, 09:02 PM   #7
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jen52983 View Post
Was it a stranger and that's why she doesn't remember.. she can't remember facial features or something? Or was it some guy at a party and she can't remember who it was b/c there were so many people there?? (or something similar?)

Maybe you need to take your anger out elsewhere. Maybe if you take action to help raise awareness it will help you. Then you won't just be angry, you'll be taking action to help a cause. Why don't you go alone to a counselor, even the school counselor and just talk to them about your anger. They may be able to help advise you on how to address it.
I honestly dont know. I didnt care to hear more because i felt like i was going to pass out because i was so angry and holding it all inside (i have a little stress condition, my body really damages itself when i get angry, nerve damage from a car accident). All i know is that one she was familiar with, the other was a total stranger. I dont know. And counseling is not an option for either of us. Her family cant afford it, my family cant afford it, i cant afford it, and my school does not offer counseling.

 
Old 07-13-2007, 09:06 PM   #8
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

you want to help her??? listen-god gave us 2 ears and one mouth for a reason. It took courage and trust for her to tell you.She is still the beautiful, desireable woman she was before she told you her secret, she is not dirty, however you have the power to make her feel that way if your immature selfish attitude continues- (go to a support group for victims of rape and their spouses, TOGETHER.)

 
Old 07-13-2007, 09:59 PM   #9
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

i'm sorry about ur situation. ur gf is going thru alot..and right now, u are just trying to figure out ur emotions. don't be upset. maybe she felt she can trust you with these things. i dont think she did this to u to hurt you in an way. but you are hurting. and i'm sure if ur hurting, she is hurting too. u think she said this to hurt you? or to make u back away? maybe she just wants to come clean. if u two have been checked for diseases, then why is it bothering u so much? if u feel this awful, imagine how she feelings? she was the one who was raped. u are still young...but if she is worth it, then there are ways to work around it. i honestly think that 17 is young to be having sex anyway. it's such a scary world out there. goodluck.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 12:26 AM   #10
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

Lazer, you say you get angry when you see her, but not at her, but in general. I think you need to work on figuring out exactly what you are so angry at when you look at her. Are you mad at her attackers? Mad that they got that special part of her that you think is only supposed to belong to you? Mad that something like this can happen? Mad at something else? Figure out just what makes you mad, then you can deal with it instead of just kicking her to the curb because something happened to her years ago that was totally beyond her control. Doesn't she still deserve to be loved? What if every man in the world felt the way you do? Should every rape victim be rounded up and shipped off to a desert island because now they are no good for decent men? That's not fair, is it? It's obviously not her you're mad at since it was beyond her control and it's irrational to be mad at someone for something that was done to them that they had no control over. So see if you can work that out for yourself before you ditch the relationship.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 05:49 AM   #11
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

Like i said, im not mad at her in any way, its just when i see her, i get that little image in my mind of her little attack, and that makes me extremely angry. I know she did nothing wrong so i dont want to take things out on her, so i bottle it up, and it really hurts me. I know she didnt tell me this to hurt me, she told me this because she said she trusts me and wanted me to know the truth. I knew she wasnt a virgin before me, i knew she was far from that before me, im not dumb. But this is a little different.

Now i want to be with her, but i want to be extremely over-protective. But i wont do that because its not fair to her. I want to tell her who to talk to, who not to talk to, so she doesnt get near shady people. I want to tell her where she can, or cannot go in case shady people would be there. I want to tell her to start dressing differently. But i wont, thats horrible to do, shes a person, im only 19 shes only 17, i would never do that to her. Although i told her im going to go buy her a knife or pepper spray for her, i might go do that today.

Its just, i dont know. I was happy with our relationship, we had arguments, we had ups and downs. But it was the first relationship i can actually say i cared about. Now that i found this out, i still care about her the same. I just cant look at her without getting that image in my mind which just kills me inside. I dont want to have sex with her anymore because of that.

Plus this all came yesterday, when we both wanted to have sex (we havent for about a week, we normally do it frequently), and we tried and she was a little too tight (shes a smaller girl). She said it hurts, i said its okay, doesnt matter to me shes more to me than just that. Then she just got all upset, saying sometimes she feels obligated to do it because if she doesnt, it will just be taken from her. Then she refused to tell me the truth for about 20 minutes, she just kept dancing around the subject. That also makes me feel horrible that she thinks if i dont get it, ill take it from her too. I dont need sex to survive, i've told her so many times that she is more to me than that, and if she ever wants me to stop or just not have sex anymore, im totally fine with it.

I think its unfair that i want to take this out on her, i wont, the most i will do is buy her that pepper spray. Im over the fact that it happened, i still love her the same. The problem is just that i cant look at her without picturing her face in pain as its happening or whatever, and i dont want to have sex with her because ill just keep thinking that some total stranger forced it in there at one point. I know shs not a virgin, far from it too, but i did not know about these two things.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 06:51 PM   #12
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

This reaction of yours, though not anything to blame for, is one reason why so many sexual assaults go unreported. A woman is afraid of just this alienation of her loved one so will keep it very quiet. Your poor girlfriend is still young and trusting enough not to know this and she has trusted you with her story. If you feel you cannot deal with it, tell her and let her go. Nobody needs a partner who is disgusted to touch her and this poor love has been through enough mistreatment from the male species. If you really love her and want to get through this, both of you go to counselling and deal with this together. Sera

 
Old 07-14-2007, 07:49 PM   #13
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

I love her, i saw her today, i got over it. But whenever i think of it, my blood just starts boiling. I know we can stay together, im not going to hold old things like that against her, its not her fault in the least bit. But its just sex, i dont know if i can have sex with her for awhile. I know when i see her naked (saw her partially naked today), i get really angry because i know someone took it before. What also bothers me is that she has been with 7-8 other guys before me, which really disgusts me, but thats in the past, she had a different lifestyle. I forgot all about it, but it bothers me, knowing there were 2 people who took it from her. This bothers me, while i was a virgin with her. Luckily her lifestyle changed now. But i dont know.

I know we can last for a long time, but this is just holding me back.

 
Old 07-14-2007, 10:33 PM   #14
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

If you think you deserve someone much better than your girlfriend... someone as virgin as you... someone who is very naive... by all means you can forget her and find someone who you think you deserve because as I can see it your looking at her very differently now unlike before. She think u can accept her that's why she tells u evrything, so if you can't accept tha fact TELL HER STRAIGHT TO HER FACE and don't add to her agony.
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:35 PM   #15
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Re: Wow. I just found out my girlfriend was raped many years ago. I dont know to act.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazer 77 View Post
I love her, i saw her today, i got over it. But whenever i think of it, my blood just starts boiling. I know we can stay together, im not going to hold old things like that against her, its not her fault in the least bit. But its just sex, i dont know if i can have sex with her for awhile. I know when i see her naked (saw her partially naked today), i get really angry because i know someone took it before. What also bothers me is that she has been with 7-8 other guys before me, which really disgusts me, but thats in the past, she had a different lifestyle. I forgot all about it, but it bothers me, knowing there were 2 people who took it from her. This bothers me, while i was a virgin with her. Luckily her lifestyle changed now. But i dont know.

I know we can last for a long time, but this is just holding me back.
I say it again, go and get counselling. Your relationship will not survive while you are having this reaction to sex with her. It is very unhealthy at the moment, and as I said she does not need to be with someone who is disgusted with her. I feel that your reaction to the assault sounds less like compassion for her, and more like finding out that your property has been abused, making it less valuable for you now. If this is true, then I hope that you do get counselling or leave her to find someone else who won't find her 'disgusting' and will accept her for herself. Sera

 
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