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Old 01-17-2008, 09:39 PM   #1
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life after rape?

its been about 2 years since it started. i can not only remember each incident, but if feels like every time i think about it, it's like i re-live it.
i've been through counsiling, and it has helped a little bit, but every day and night it crosses my mind what he did to me.

my sister, her husband, and their kids moved into our house a few years ago. i was only 15 when we started talking and building that brother/sister relationship. and not more than a few months later, he started making moves on me. we'd walk up to the gas station and get alcohol and drink and talk and stuff, then one night, he started kissing and touching me. i asked him what the hell he was doing, and he apologized and said he was just testing me, that it was a "ha-ha funny." so i let it go. then within another week he tried it again, but this time he was actually on top of me, i told him to stop and pushed him off, and he didnt pursue it any further. then, for the next month or so he kept making attempts and each time he tried he'd go further and further but he'd still stop before going all the way. i didnt know what to do, i kept saying no, and he'd stop but within a few days he'd already be trying again.
then one day, he brought home alot of beer and some pot. i ended up getting really messed up and no one else was home but him and me. i came in from smoking a cigarette to find him flipping through my cd's on my bed. i knew in the back of my head he was gonna try it again, and i dont know what i was thinking but i went in my room anyway. he told me to put a cd in that he had picked out and while i was doing that he came up behind me and pushed me up against the dresser and started kissing me and feeling me up. i was trying to get him to stop but he pulled me over to the bed and got on top of me, pulling my shirt off and i kept telling him to stop and i kept trying to push him off me, but he said "shh, just calm down. you'll enjoy it." he held me down until i stopped struggling and gave up fighting, and then he raped me.
from then on, he made it an everyday thing. there were mornings that i was still asleep, and no one else was home, and id wake up to him naked on top of me. i couldnt even take a shower sometimes cause he'd pry the lock while i was in the shower and he'd come into the shower with me and push me up against the wall and have his way, then get out.
i didnt know how to tell my sister what her husband was doing to me, and i couldnt get the nerve to tell my parents, or anyone for that matter. so it continued for months, and months.
finally, my older brother and his family came down to visit for vacation, and when they were getting ready to leave, i asked if i could go back up to jersey with them. while we were driving, we were talking and he kept talking about how he hated my sister's husband and wished she'd leave him. i found out that he had also slept with my brother's wife during the time that my sister and her family lived up there, and i finally built up the nerve to tell my brother what he had been doing to me for the past 8 or 9 months. to say the least, my brother was ******, and he wanted to turn the car around and go back to florida and find that scumbag and beat the hell out of him.
from there on he helped me tell my parents and convinced me to go to the police, which i did end up doing. and they arrested him and were holding him for 30 days, until they could charge him.
one night me and my sister were talking and she kept telling me that i was old enough to know right from wrong and that it wasnt rape because i didnt fight with everything i had, and that i didnt scream for help. then she told me that she just found out she was pregnant with yet another one of his children. i became so overwhelmed with guilt, feeling that maybe i didnt do enough to stop him. i started asking myself why i didnt tell anyone if i really wanted it to stop. she told me it wasnt her decision, but she thought i should drop the charges. she said she forgave me for what i did, but that she wouldnt forget.
i did end up dropping the charges cause i felt so bad about it. i got so confused about everything and i was letting everyone manipulate me into doing and thinking what they wanted.

so here i am, roughly a year since i dropped the charges. like i said, i went to see a therapist and he helped me tremendously.
but i still cant get what he did to me out of my head. i just want to forget it. for once, i'd like to lay in my bed at night and not replay one of the many times he raped me.

i dont know what to do anymore.

 
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Old 01-18-2008, 08:41 AM   #2
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Re: life after rape?

Anonymous, I am so sorry that that happened to you. Many young people do not go for help. It is so common. I don't understand it either but it is very common for so many. He is the one at fault here. He was the adult. I am so glad that you are in therapy. Keep posting if it helps you to feel better.

 
Old 01-18-2008, 08:53 PM   #3
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Re: life after rape?

Hello A,

My views on anyone administering alcohol and/or drugs to a minor are negative but I will not voice them on your thread.

How one can say that it was your fault and "guilt" you into dropping charges, without first understanding the true meaning of the legal definition minor.

You were taken advantage of in more ways than one and I for one am glad that you are away from that situation.

Are you still seeing a therapist? If not, it may still be a good idea to do so.

Placing the blame on the true culprits may help.

If you are up to it, please keep posting.

Take care.

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Old 01-18-2008, 10:07 PM   #4
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Re: life after rape?

Hi Anonymous,

What happened to you was really bad an I wish that you hadn't been put through it - the thing is that it comes down to a question of consent and you didn't consent - he is the guilty one and from what you have said is good at manipultaing people to get what he wants - I was invlved with someone like that and felt guilty for years until I went to therapy and realised that I wasn't the guilty one - he was. Your sister was just trying to justify what happened so that she didnt feel guilty too - it is terrible that she didn't back you up - I know how that feels and it cuts to the soul. I really hope you get some more help - you sound like you are still suffering and you're not the one who should be.

Keep posting - it helps.
Maybecrazy

 
Old 01-19-2008, 11:09 AM   #5
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Re: life after rape?

I haven't been to therapy in about 3 or 4 months. I've been working like crazy and it doesnt really leave me time to drive 40 mins to go see him, unfortunately.

I know it wasnt my fault, that is was his, but i still feel like its somewhat my fault. My brain is telling me it's not, and i know that, but I can't seem to feel the same way as I'm thinking.

My sister is still mad at me, and she blames me for their divorce. She has 7 kids now, and no support from anyone but my parents. So now she has to try and raise all these kids on her own and she feels like no guy in the world would want to step into a relationship with a woman that has that many kids.
I mean, I can kind of understand why she is the way she is, but it still gets under skin.


Thanks for all your replies. I guess if I can't make it to counsiling anymore, this is the next best thing.

 
Old 01-19-2008, 08:22 PM   #6
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Re: life after rape?

Hi Anonymous,

Good to hear from you, it's hard whebn you brain tells you it's not your fault but your heart says it was - that's why I needed a therapist to help me see the truth that it wasn't my fault - hearing it from another person face to face when you can see that they are not lieing to you and feeling their conviction helped me to get to that stage.

Your sister has made her own life and you are not responsible for what she is going through - she married a sleaze and if it hadn't been you it would have been another person - you didn't cause the breakup he did - I know you feel for your sister and want her to be happy and that's natural - but she can handle her life - you have to handle yours - and being kind to yourself and getting help should be a priority for you - staying so busy that you don't think about anything only works until you are exhausted - sooner or later you have to deal with it (speaking as one who did the work till you drop thing and then got ill cos I wouldnt admit there was a problem or seek help even when I knew there was.) You really deserve to get help and get this off of your shoulders - it's a burden you shouldn't have to carry - take care,

 
Old 01-20-2008, 03:48 AM   #7
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Re: life after rape?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ano n y m o u s View Post
I haven't been to therapy in about 3 or 4 months. I've been working like crazy and it doesnt really leave me time to drive 40 mins to go see him, unfortunately.

I know it wasnt my fault, that is was his, but i still feel like its somewhat my fault. My brain is telling me it's not, and i know that, but I can't seem to feel the same way as I'm thinking.

My sister is still mad at me, and she blames me for their divorce. She has 7 kids now, and no support from anyone but my parents. So now she has to try and raise all these kids on her own and she feels like no guy in the world would want to step into a relationship with a woman that has that many kids.
I mean, I can kind of understand why she is the way she is, but it still gets under skin.


Thanks for all your replies. I guess if I can't make it to counsiling anymore, this is the next best thing.
Hello A,

I come from the school of thought that "there's always room for jello."

What I mean by this is that no matter how busy I am, I have to attempt to find time for therapy; if there are scheduling conflicts, other therapists may be able to suit my time availability..........

but that's just me.

I don't know your work schedule, etc., so you may have already made an effort to squeeze in some time.

I only refer to this because you stated in your first post therapy was helping tremendously; just want what is best for you.
----------------------------------------------
Being a minor is a confusing time; hormones, body changes, peer pressure, etc.
Believe me when I say that there is a warranted reason why states have certain statutes with respect to a person of majority age sexually taking advantage of a person of minority age.

I'm sorry to say but he exposed himself to the possibility of being incarcerated the moment he committed this heinous act.

If he was unaware of the "law of the land" then I would have to ask what planet has he been on for all his life.
------------------------------------------------
Your sister made a decision to have seven children and why she would be comfortable with staying married to a womanizing sex offender is beyond me.

If she looked at his history of womanizing, she had to know that divorce was inevitable, or living with a marrige based on infidelity.

If you make excuses for her, you will always inadvertantly accept a part in her divorce.

Let her be mad; the truth of the matter seems that she is not actually mad at you but herself and while taking inventory of her life thusfar, you are the readily available scapegoat (at least that my take on it).

Take care.

Phoenix
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Old 01-20-2008, 02:45 PM   #8
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Re: life after rape?

I hate that man,

he's taken just about everything there is to take from me.

my virginity, self-respect, self-esteem, the past 2 years of my life.

I turned to anything and everything to cope; drugs. cutting. i dropped out of highschool my 10th grade year. and came down with a stomach ulcer on top of it all, which I still have today.


I just wish I had followed through with putting him in jail, that's where he deserves to spend the rest of his life, even if he would have hung him self like he said, that actually would have been even better.


Well, I guess I'm gonna try and make a trip to go talk to my therapist sometime within the next week or so.
I used to see him every week for about 4 or 5 months, then he cut it back to once a month cause I was doing so well, then I don't go for a couple months, and all my progression goes down the drain, and the flashbacks and memories consume my life again.
Am I going to have to continue counsiling for the rest of my life?



I reallly hope that bast*** burns in hell.

 
Old 01-20-2008, 11:44 PM   #9
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Re: life after rape?

Hi Anonymous,

I am really glad that you have decided to amke time for yourself and attend therapy again - especially as it was helping you before - and you deserve all the help you can get - there are some things that you can get back and that you deserve to get back - your self respect you're self esteem and self worth and the therapist can help you do that - there have been times when I was doing well and then hit a bump in the road which threw me back to the beginning - but the therapist can give you ways to deal with that - I wish you well - take care

Maybecrazy

 
Old 01-21-2008, 01:06 AM   #10
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Re: life after rape?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ano n y m o u s View Post
I hate that man,

he's taken just about everything there is to take from me.

my virginity, self-respect, self-esteem, the past 2 years of my life.

I turned to anything and everything to cope; drugs. cutting. i dropped out of highschool my 10th grade year. and came down with a stomach ulcer on top of it all, which I still have today.


I just wish I had followed through with putting him in jail, that's where he deserves to spend the rest of his life, even if he would have hung him self like he said, that actually would have been even better.


Well, I guess I'm gonna try and make a trip to go talk to my therapist sometime within the next week or so.
I used to see him every week for about 4 or 5 months, then he cut it back to once a month cause I was doing so well, then I don't go for a couple months, and all my progression goes down the drain, and the flashbacks and memories consume my life again.
Am I going to have to continue counsiling for the rest of my life?



I reallly hope that bast*** burns in hell.
Anon,

Your virginity may have been compromised but your self respect and self esteem can return; in time.

By no means am I making lite of your situation; just putting things into perspective.

If history repeats itself (and in this case it is reasonable to assume so) he will soon put himself in another compromising predicament which will surely land him in jail, or worse.
---------------------
You owe it to yourself to seek therapy; especially if it produced positive results.

Therapy(the way I see it anyway) is a lifelong process; one does not necessarily have to interact with a cognitive therapist for therapy to continue.

Case and point:

Your therapist was scheduled weekly and then monthly because he felt you were getting better; in all reality he was saying that your coping skills have improved, in his estimation.

The thing is that we must continue to work our own program. What will work for me might have adverse effects on you and vice-versa.

Take care.

Phoenix

 
Old 01-21-2008, 07:49 AM   #11
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Re: life after rape?

dear pheonix & maybecrazy,

thanks for your help and support.

the past week has just been crappy for me. everything is triggering flashblacks, tv/movies with a rape scene, just about every room in my house where he did it to me, i cant even take showers without seeing and feeling like its happening all over again.

that's why i gave this site a try, it seems to help a little bit.



i hope all is going well with you guys.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 08:27 PM   #12
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Re: life after rape?

Hi anon,

I have been following this post since it started, and I must say it brought up an emotional impact on me. I to have let someone get away without being charged for me because I let the police intimidate me. I have also bared blame from family members, for other traumas I have brought to their attention.

Pheonix, and Maybecrazy are giving some really good advice.

As for the week of triggers, it will happen, if you can get to a therapist and try and face this trauma, you maybe be able to lessen the impact they have on you.

For now just remember that you have survived the worse, and what is happening to you know you shall to survive.

 
Old 01-21-2008, 11:57 PM   #13
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Re: life after rape?

ano n y m o u s,

The others are giving much wiser responses than I could regarding your mental and emotional responses to your horrible experiences. My heart goes out to you. I am glad that you are beginning to reach out in an attempt to find some ways of dealing with this. This Board is a wonderful and supportive place.

I just want to mention here, rather than on your other post regarding ulcers, that long-term stress can indeed cause the body to show illness in whatever is the weakest part at the moment. Our minds and bodies are linked. As you find ways to deal with your (understandably!) stressful emotional issues, your body will become stronger and more able to deal with the everyday physical stresses that we all have to deal with. I don't mean to make light of either your physical or mental/emotional problems. I just want to point out that they are linked.

--Rheanna

 
Old 01-22-2008, 08:37 AM   #14
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Re: life after rape?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ano n y m o u s View Post
My sister is still mad at me, and she blames me for their divorce. She has 7 kids now, and no support from anyone but my parents. So now she has to try and raise all these kids on her own and she feels like no guy in the world would want to step into a relationship with a woman that has that many kids.
I mean, I can kind of understand why she is the way she is, but it still gets under skin.
Hi Anon, your sister sounds like she feels so worthless that she will settle for any man no matter how bad he is. She needs to wake up.

I am glad that you are getting back into therapy.

 
Old 01-22-2008, 09:44 PM   #15
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Re: life after rape?

Hi Anonymous,

I hope you are doing better, I remembered a really good book that my psychologist gave me to read about the sexual trauma I had in my past - it's called "the courage to heal" by Ellen bass and Laura Davis - there is the book and the workbook that you can get and you work through them and it helps you work things out - one of the major things it helped me with was not blaming myself for what had happened - it's worth a try....

be well

Maybecrazy

 
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