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Old 04-15-2008, 10:52 AM   #1
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rape and death?

This is quite long so please be patient and any help is a god send.

My mother had been ill with cancer of the head for some time and had to have not just her eye removed but also her entire eye lid and bits around that whole area. Since this operation around 3 years ago, she has had no fake eye or real decent attempt to reconstruct this area at all...although im not sure what you can really do.

Anyway from this point (3years ago) until now ive found it hard to be seen in public with my mother and im extremely ashamed of this (although she doesnt know it) I FEEL AWFUL but i cant bare the looks the stares of the general public etc..im not a very confident person as it is..i wasnt before this happened and im still not now.

I met a girl in the past and we where only friends but it felt like so much more...anyway i became quite attached to her, grew quite a liking to her only for it to all end in disaster, with my mate causing real trouble for us both and for us to argue and it all blew up...i was so depressed at the time..i contemplated suicide and attempted it in the lamest way, by putting a plastic bag over my head and trying to suffocate myself

Anyway as time passed..i got over this "special friend" kinda and things moved on..i was still friends with the friend who wrecked everything and this was still getting me down..after a few months this friendship blew up as well, infact i ended it and i ended another one about the same time. so in around a year and a half if even id lost 3 pretty decent friends.

Suddenly after about 2 weeks the depression and suicidal feelings id been experiencing lifted and i felt easier.. I met some new mates and we hung out and had a laugh etc..(this was all last year 2007)..

Come November and i met this nice girl..we got on well talked alot and we'd text a bit aswell..we met up and had nice time..we met again and again had a good time..well we where just getting to know each other..

it was looking really good for me coming into the new year (2008) and for once i felt slightly more boyant and self dependent. i was even contacting the samaritans via email less and less.still though i lacked confidence and was slightly depressed...probably due to the linguishing anger at my mothers health etc..

anyway january started brightly and me and the nice girl went for a drive in the car..despite what you may think about this next bit, i dont care, im an honest guy and a good guy aswell,i wouldnt bother telling you this otherwise..

well me and the girl where kissing in the car and i asked her to "move into the back" but only for more comfort because it was awkward...well soon the situation became awkward and we swiftly left..

i text her and got one back saying i think we should just be friends...it took me a week or so to work out why this had happened...but only because what she was thinking (that i wanted sex) wasnt what i was thinking!! it took her ages to realise this and still she wouldnt meet me!!!

then she told me she liked someone else...but then suddenly told the truth saying she'd been raped in the past and it just brought it back..

just before she told me about the rape, my mum got the news that her cancer hadnt gone and had spread and now shes potentially dying as its near to her brain and they cant do surgery and chaemo etc may be too risky for her sight as she only has one eye left!!!!

so i get this then i here this nice girl has been raped and ive put her off me unintentionally..

shes been very unresponsive..and has talked to me much at all..ive told her the truth and i think she believes me now..im nearly sure she does...but she says she cant meet me yet because i now know about her being raped and even her closest friends dont know and she wants to keep it that way..she says she has trouble sleeping at nights etc and wants to just forget about it..

she says once she forgets about it or forgets i know, she will do something..
she said last week that she will meet me when she is ready to..

overall its been january mid to end january since we last met up..we've chatted online etc etc a bit and im sure she still likes me..i think shes just a bit messed up...i sent her some flowers last week and she was very impressed but says we are still just friends and a i said before we will meet when she is ready to.

but i mean although this wa just last week, it is mid april...is this another doomed attempt at happiness?more shattered confidence?

after 3 years of solid depression, ad then thinkin ive cleared up towards the end of last year, why has it come back so suddenly!!

ps i dont even know for sur if she was raped, and i cant really bring it up to her in conversation plus we arent exactly speaking much right now, im giving her loads of time and space to gather her thoughts.

PLEASE HELP IN ANY WAY YOU CAN

thanks.

 
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Old 04-15-2008, 10:59 AM   #2
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Re: rape and death?

This might sound harsh and I'm sorry if it does, but you seem more worried about the girl than you do your mother.

You will feel AWFUL and I mean that, if your mother dies and you have been of chasing a girl...spend some time with your mum right now, she needs you...you have your whole life in front of you and you don't know how much time she has left...do it for both her and yourself.

 
Old 04-15-2008, 11:14 AM   #3
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Re: rape and death?

Christine i know this..your right..and ive just been trying to find happiness for quite a while as id been depressed for far too long previously..

this girl has messed my head up and because it was around the time of when my mother got that news, im all over the place...i cant even concentrate on one thing to be honest...

id rather think of neither my mothers illness or the girl a all if im totally honest. i just cant relax at all!!!

 
Old 04-15-2008, 11:26 AM   #4
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Re: rape and death?

I know it's hard, it really is..but you will turn out to be a better and stronger person now if you support your mother. She must be devistated knowing she won't be seeing her kid(s) for much longer...she really needs you right now..even if you feel like you're cracking up you need to be strong for her..if you can do that, you will get over her death a lot quicker..otherwise, you will have the guilt to deal with too...you can do it.

 
Old 04-15-2008, 11:29 AM   #5
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Re: rape and death?

I read the whole thing...it has me confused. You seem to have three separate issues here. Why are you mentioning your mother? As far as going out in public with mom tell mom to cover her missing parts. Why would anyone want to expose others to such a horrendous operation. She could use a special nice looking cover. I can't imagine myself going out in public with an empty hole in the side of my face. and you could encourage her to do some covering up. Your mom's new findings of cancer is sad isn't it but not sure why you have included it in with this.
As far as your depression...seems it is like a situational depression(if it is depression)...when things aren't going right you turn to feeling sorry for yourself and attempt some lame suicide...those are all anger feelings. you need professional help to sort things out there...I am not so sure it is depression but another diagnoses.
As far as this new gal in your life...her fears are her fears nothing you can do about it. Absolutely she is in control of all of her relationships and nothing you can do but wait. She too may wish someone that isn't so burdened with mom and depression. You yourself need to be mentally heathier in order to have a better relationship with others. Good luck.

 
Old 04-15-2008, 11:36 AM   #6
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Re: rape and death?

my mum does cover up! but obviously people still look her and i can't cope.. I read about situational depression the other day actually and thought this maybe the case..but reading what ive wrote here actually i think ive been depressed for along long time..nearly 3 years...it just comes and goes...lessens and gets worse..and i just dont feel i can talk to anyone about it and feel comfortable..

i also thought about what you said about her needing a stronger character and not someone who is depressed etc..and i think that is a good point..so ive tried to stay strong but its hard..i havent spoken to her in a week now..

my mums case does depress me..i was so upset at the news and i just feel guilt and horrible feelings for not being able to support her to the best of my abilities...that hurts and i dont know if by no after so long its sub concious..

i found myself walking home last june (2007) drunk..just crying because of my mums general health.

i dont know what to do...i just cant relax..

 
Old 04-15-2008, 11:45 AM   #7
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Re: rape and death?

thanksfor your kind words christine and yea i think you are right

 
Old 04-15-2008, 12:08 PM   #8
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Re: rape and death?

You know, you can always come here for support if you think it gets too much..sometimes just 'telling' someone can help to clear your head..you do seem quite young from your posts? Sorry if I am wrong..it is quite a burden to bare when you are young..life really kicks you up the butt sometimes I know..but we have to get through it the best we can, doing what we think is right...and I know you know what is right, stay in touch

 
Old 04-15-2008, 12:12 PM   #9
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Re: rape and death?

i guess that depends what you mean by young? im 21 years old LOL i feel about 100 with all the stress strain and sadness LOL

 
Old 04-15-2008, 12:52 PM   #10
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Re: rape and death?

Just adding my two cents. For your friend who was raped. Remember, she needs to heal and deal with this issue. If she is trying to "forget it" - it will never happen. Until she is able to deal with this she will be burdened by this. She probably feels alot of guilt - "if only I had....." etc and by getting into the back seat of the car and making out she realized she was in a potentially dangerous situation. I feel based on my own experience, until she has actually dealt with this she should not be in a relationship with anyone. Friendship is ok, but anything that can become sexual should be off limits until she has been able to get professional help. Be her friend, someone she can talk too - but don't go any further until this is resolved. The memories will never vanish - let her know that by talking about it she is actually releising the shame she feels about it. However, she needs to talk to a professional. When you said "not sure if she was actually raped" will actually worsen the problem - not help it.

As for you - you really need some help too - can you go to your doctor? I feel until you deal with your issues you are going to continue stumbling around making the same mistakes. Take the step and get some help. This is your gentle nudge.

Take care

 
Old 04-15-2008, 12:59 PM   #11
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Re: rape and death?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jj1873 View Post
i guess that depends what you mean by young? im 21 years old LOL i feel about 100 with all the stress strain and sadness LOL
Yes, 21 is young to be dealing with that...the poster above me is right, you do need some help..maybe see a councellor to help you deal with your feelings right now, or a sympathetic relative?

 
Old 04-15-2008, 01:06 PM   #12
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Re: rape and death?

personally i think this is the best advice yet..from newbruns below..she says she doesnt want to meet me just yet because she wants to forget about the rape and also the fact i know about it embarrasses her!

ive already told her not to feel ashamed! and not to worry about feeling embarrassed. in the car there was NO WAY i wanted sex..thats not what i meant and yea it was a stupid careless error and unfortunate..very unfortunate..right now im in the process..where shes told me she will meet me when shes ready..its so hurtfull! i cant help but want to help her and just speak to her..mean while as i worry about this, i fel guilt because its distracting me from my dying mother!!!and i feel helpless and vulnerable!!

i dont even no for sure if she was raped, i would never tell her this..but at times i wonder was it just an excuse..but why would you make that up also why would she keep me in her loop if you get me..telling me, well meet when shes ready?

i feel guilty now even discussing her..

totally depressed and cannot relax

 
Old 04-15-2008, 01:20 PM   #13
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Re: rape and death?

christine its hard to talk 2 anyone about any of this and i dont want to worry family and friends anymore than they already are..its hard when 2 things like this hit you at once..and the fact i dont even know for sure if she was definately raped or not is hard to take...som im confused about if shes lying or not...and then my mum..i feel so so guilty for not doing anything about it or spending time with her!

its hard. i feel mad. i couldnt even go near a doctor.

its worse aswell because then u have to deal with the usual agro..you know at work and stuff.

life is hectic.

 
Old 04-15-2008, 01:26 PM   #14
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Re: rape and death?

You know, you can go to a doctor..they hear this all the time and worse, they wont be shocked or surprised and you wont have to worry about them being upset as you would your relatives..you need someone to help you deal with your mum in the best and easiest way for you..get help, thats what these people are there for..and your older relatives arent stupid, they know you must feel a mess..they might just not know how to approach you about it...you would be surprised at how many people will listen if you talk to them.

 
Old 04-15-2008, 01:35 PM   #15
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Re: rape and death?

im just a total 100% mess. yesterday morning my first thought was someone please just shoot me..and that was when i woke up. right now i feel like jumping off a bridge.

i couldnt even go near a doctors..mad i know..and i really really understand ur view point!!! but i just couldnt bring myself to do it!

my family..wudnt no where to start..wud just break down..and fall apart myself..best keeping it under wraps..even though i know thats bad...its strange because i want this girl to talk about her rape etc..and she cant yet i cant talk about my problems...

 
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