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Old 08-12-2008, 02:39 PM   #1
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Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Hi,

This is a very sensitive topic for me, and I am having a lot of difficulties with sex due to the fact I was abused as a child and raped as a teen, by two boys at the same time. I am now on my second marriage. I close up or shut down when my husband says things to me in a sexual way that I feel offensive. I feel unloved, ashamed, embarrassed as well as feeling like I am his sex machine only. I have expressed myself to him many times verbally that the language he uses bothers me and I feel hurt and unloved. This has been a battle with me ever since the age of 14 years old. My husband still talks offensive and I finally wrote him a note on my feelings of how he talks to me. I know he is not intentionally trying to hurt me, but when I hear a sexual comment that is offensive, or a particulat sexual act is taking place between us I feel numb.

I have never delt with the sexual abuse up until a few years ago, through the help of a support group that I am in(for other resons)and it's all surfacing now. In my note I did let my husband know what I feel is not accetable and what my desires are. Since giving him this note he has not spoken to me and now I am at a loss. Now my qyestion is, am I being to hard on my husband for letting him know how I am feeling? Am I being hard on myself? Are there any other men that talk perverted to their wives/partners, and feel it's normal? A lot of my unstable feelings are a result of my sexual abuse and I know I need to work at them but I find this subject hard to talk to with my husband. Please if you have any suggestions on how to deal with this please let me know

 
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Old 08-12-2008, 04:06 PM   #2
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Does your husband know about what happened to you? Is he aware of your past? Because if he doesn't know about it and is doing this to you then you have to tell him so he understands WHY it's such a problem. But if you told him what happened to you and he continues to do this anyway, then I think he's a jerk and you should probably start considering your options regarding whether it's worth it to you to stay in a marriage with a man who, knowing full well your history, continues to hurt you like this.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 01:06 AM   #3
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

i agree, you must tell him WHY you feel the way you do.

he may be taking it in another direction.

i know what you mean, i have had a similar experience with rape and adult sex life. it is VERY hard. one time i was in a ball crying on my ex bf's bed because of something he said or suggested made me have a trigger.

i think thats what causes all the difficulty. this event that is supposed to be amazing and joyful has been painful and horrible for others. its a process of separating it AS A trigger.

it is so so so hard. and it takes me a long time to become sexually comfortable with someone. and i always think by default a new man is going to hurt me. always.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 08:24 AM   #4
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Thank you. I have let my husband know very early in our relationship of the abuse as well as other abuse I have had. I thought my husband would be a little more understanding at the time I told him 14 years ago, as he too was sexually abused as a pre teen. My husband has many issues he needs to work on himself, and I have learned through my suport group to be gentle, kind and understanding with him while he figures out his life. But at the same time I am hurting with the sexual comments and sometimes actions I receive. We have both gone for counseling and it was better for awhile, but the sexual activities and talk still happen.

I want to talk to him again about this and I thought that after he received the note it would open up some doors. It has in the past. I really don't know what to think and howto open up to him verbally about this. I shy away from him when the topic is SEX!!!

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:29 AM   #5
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Ohhh Boy!

Been there done that. My first wife was raped as a pre-teen and early teen. Her mother purposely put her in a situation with a relative and left so that it could happen. It took years for me to get this information from her as she could hardly talk about it. But as a result it left her with a deep resentment towards men and their power as well as a complete lack for the ability to share affection. I don't know how she faked it before we got married, but maybe the lust on my part blinded me from the fact of how empty she actually was. Either way, it led to a divorce as she refused to get help, and ultimately actually blamed me, yes ME and wanted me to apologize and make amends for what had happened to her. I found marriage counselors, as well psychologists to try to help her because she would not make any effort to call or see them. They all told me that they could do nothing until she took the step and that I could not go to counseling for her. It took me some time but I let the love and caring drain from my body so that I could finally get up the nerve to free myself from her and her problems. When I filed for divorce she told everyone I did it for another woman and was successful in making everyone believe that I was a lier and a cheat and someone who was heavily into manipulation. As a result I could not even begin to explain or defend myself because she had already laid the ground work against me as being deceptive and manipulative and a lier. My own family turned against me, my sisters would not speak to me. Fact was I had uncovered the dirty truth about her family which she had to protect....a truth that was deeper than just her and an uncle and her mother, but also involved another uncle who was a preacher and other cousins as well as her brother and sister. The family was a den for incest

At any rate....

It's good that you at least admit your problem, the next step is to find someone trained in such matters to talk too. You will also need to work on yourself to forgive and forget the events of your past and learn to cope as best you can with a past that is dead and gone. It will stay dead and gone too, if you let it....bury it and leave it in the grave, dont let it work its way back into your life and dont go back to it and give it life.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:41 AM   #6
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

It sounds to me as if you have been open and honest, and that's all anyone can ask.
One would think that since he has had a similar experience, he would know how hurtful that using the words you have asked him not to use would be. One would think he would feel compassion, and not want to hurt you. So, I would ask him point blank, "Why do you continue to use words which you know hurt me? Is it your intention to hurt me?", and make him think about what he is doing.
If it continues after that point, you need to decide whether it means more to have him, knowing that he treads on your needs and makes you feel badly, or whether it is more important to be away from him, and have peace of mind. Best of luck to you. You deserve better than you are getting.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 01:50 PM   #7
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

It's nice to hear from the two men who responed. Thank you. I have been considering seeking a sex counselor to talk to about this, and I will get on that soon. Yes, I thought my hubby would be more compassionate as well. I heard a term once and it ws "Hurt people, hurt people" So because he was hurt by his abuse he is hurting me to block out his issues. And yes, I will have to work on this. I know it's my issue and I want to put it behind me. I just thought that if I stop hearing sexual comments in a degrading way, it would help. But maybe not. Thank you for your responses. I am grateful for knowing that not all men treat their women like they are dirt, or smutty. Thanks

 
Old 08-14-2008, 05:48 AM   #8
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

That's just it. I see it differently. You say, "I know it's my problem".
I understand that you had a problem...but I believe you have dealt with it as well as anyone can be expected to. I see it as your husband's problem, not yours, that he says things he knows are hurtful, and can't seem to stop himself.

 
Old 08-14-2008, 01:16 PM   #9
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Thanks Tommy!

I spoke with hubby yesterday about the note. Right away, he got defensive and started saying that I don't love him, and that I had been playing head games all these as he thought that I delt with my rape years ago. I spoke about how I feel when he says inappropiate sexual gestures to me at a time when it's not appropriate, and it seemed like a battle at first. I left the room as I told him he was not hearing me. He tried to manipulate the situation. After 15 minutes or so I went back to talk to him again, and at that time he appologized for the things he was sayingb/c he didn't know it was hurting me. Again, he knew it hurts as I told him a few times on different occations, he just chose not to hear me.

I will see what happens from here on in. I spoke with a lady who sponsers me and she mentioned I did the right thing and that he needs to work with me on this so I feel comfortable with myself sexually, which i don't right now. If this continues, I know what I have to do. Thanks again.

 
Old 08-14-2008, 08:21 PM   #10
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Quote:
Originally Posted by Albertarose View Post

he thought that I delt with my rape years ago.
this thinking kinda confused with me. no one deals with rape, its always with you, it will ALWAYS be a part of you. i would think if he were abused himself, he would understand that? he should understand you are confronting that part of your life. maybe he himself has bitterness towards his own misfortunes?

i would give him awhile to dwell on it. maybe he is just having irrational initial reactions?

 
Old 08-15-2008, 07:45 AM   #11
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Albertarose, in my opinion, you did all the right things, and did them well.
He needs a little time to think about it, and to determine if he's willing to change.
If I were to offer advice, it would be to stick to your position...because there really is no alternative, except to live forever being constantly hurt by someone you love.
He will come around, if he is willing to open up, lose some of the defensiveness (It's a disease, I have it too), and see that you're doing it out of love.
A good woman like you can heal a man's soul. I speak from experience.
I am lucky enough to be married to one. I hope he is wise enough to respond in kind, and make the two of you happy. If not, he's a fool, because you're a gem.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 12:23 AM   #12
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

There may be some who will disagree with me, and I want to make it clear that I am in no way excusing your husband's behavior.

I know that some people who have been abused as children or teens, have a tendency to be very sexually inappropriate, because they learned about sex in a twisted and inappropriate way. It is possible that he can not "control" what comes out of his mouth when in the midst of sexual activity.

That being said, I still feel that he is being very insensetive to your issues, especially the comment about thinking you had dealt with your abuse. As someone else said, he, of all people, should know that you don't ever forget or get over something like this.

If he is not willing to get himself the help that he so obviously needs, then I don't know if this can ever be mended. No matter what he chooses to do, it is so important for you to continue to get help yourself. I would almost guarantee that you are suffering from PTSD. (post traumatic stress disorder) It is very common with those who have been sexually abused. I too, was raped at the age of 15. I was in denial for many years and even when I acknowledged it to myself, it still took several more years before I attempted to get help. I was too ashamed.

I did get the help, though, and it has changed my life. I am happily married to a kind and loving and gentle man, who understands and would never do anything to hurt me or bring back those painful memories. Your situation is a difficult one, because both of you have trauma from similar abuse.

I wish you the very best and I hope you can find a kind and caring person to help you through this journey. God Bless.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:29 PM   #13
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Quote:
Originally Posted by Albertarose View Post
I know he is not intentionally trying to hurt me, but when I hear a sexual comment that is offensive, or a particulat sexual act is taking place between us I feel numb.
Are there any other men that talk perverted to their wives/partners, and feel it's normal?
I'm only going to reply to this one particular aspect, and it's only for perspective. Yes, there are lots of men who talk 'perverted' to their partners, and women do it too. For some couples it isn't 'perverted' but just talk to get things going and is completely normal. Imagine how boring phone sex would be, lol.

If you find it offensive, and have told him so and he keeps it up, that's not nice, but I just wanted to let you know that there are plenty of people who enjoy this kind of talk and wouldn't have a problem with it, so the fact that your husband did it doesn't automatically make him a 'pervert'. Keeping it up though, makes him insensitive to your feelings.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 04:24 PM   #14
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Hm, after reading all the responses I am beginning to wonder about exactly what is he saying to you that is so "offensive" and "inappropriate?" If they're so outrageous that you cannot post them, then I completely understand... But I also wonder if maybe the things he's saying aren't bad; maybe you're taking them the wrong way because maybe you're overly sensitive due to your past experiences? I'm not trying to say anything is your fault, but like Thisby said, some couples enjoy being "perverted" in their own way or talking dirty...
What he is saying to you may not be bad at all, but it is to you. And if he won't stop saying the things that you find offensive then do something about it. Don't just wait around and write him notes if he doesn't read them/take them seriously. Go to counseling and figure out the real problem. Talking and expressing your feelings verbally accomplishes a lot more then writing notes.

Last edited by EllieFrog; 08-19-2008 at 04:25 PM.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 01:08 PM   #15
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Re: Raped as a teen has affected me as an adult

Hello Albertarose, How are you today? I can't imagine how you must be feeling, given the fact that you have stated that you have told him on numerous occasions about how this makes you feel. So, to me there is no question about your ability to verbally communicate with your husband. You are mature here, no question.

It sounds like he is triggering you. I think he is the one who needs counseling, he needs to know from someone else that this is real for you, you already know this, he doesn't. He also needs to be mature and realize what he should do about this problem, period.

I could give a list of words that would be great to hear during sex and another list of words that would completely shut me down. There have been sexual acts that in the past have turned me off/shut me down. I wanted nothing to do with them and it only made things harder for the next time we had sex. No one should force you to do or participate in something you are not comfortable with, period. Becoming numb is not comfortable. I wonder what other people would feel if they were in your shoes. No matter what the words are that offend you, it does not matter it could be orange for all I care, he better learn not to use it during sex. Period. He needs to be strong, he needs to learn, he needs to help you, he needs to support you. Do you think he realizes that when you make him dinner you are supporting him (maybe you could make him something to eat that he hates and then make it every night and see how he likes to be ignored, aha moment), when you make love to him, you are supporting him, anything you do for him is supporting him. That can all change. But I know you are not mean. My sequencing may be a little off here, but I think you got it.

I wonder if you could tell him what words you would like to hear (if I were receiving this information I would want it verbally and written, so I could memorize) and what sexual acts you are comfortable with. I have found that over time, I change. I now like a lot of things I use to hate, but there was a gap in time, years before I ever did them again and I did them on my own, no one asked, no coercion, no force (being talked into it, even though I don't want to). Knowing what I can do has always been more appealing to me.

You are real, you have needs and I hope they start getting met the right way. He has needs, assure him that you are willing to meet his needs. As long as you don't have to do something you don't like. You have value and worth and I as a woman allowed a lot that I never should have, we care and give til it hurts and damage is done. It will take longer to get better the longer this all continues. I am still going through my childhood sexual trauma, tons of flashbacks, this is no pic-nic. I hope you are doing okay today. I didn't want to post last week, I think I am too passionate about it and would hate to offend anyone. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Bye.......G

ps, please let me know if I was helpful or totally out of line here.

 
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