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Old 08-30-2008, 10:54 PM   #1
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Question Rape Help

My girfriend of 1 year told me that she was raped years ago by one of her boyfriends. It's never bothered me and I have always supported her and assured her that she is safe with me. I tell her shes strong and that it wasnt her fault. I've given her support and have pleaded with her to rell her family and to get counseling but she refuses.
A few weeks ago she told me she wanted to have sex, i let her dictate teh pace of our relationship so that she always feels comfortable, so we had sex but she started to cry during it and said 'stop' and i quickly stopped. She said that she had begun to have almost "life like" flashbacks replaying the whole episode in her mind over again. I then begun to freak out, fearing that i had hurt her. She told me she had wanted it, that she had thought she was over her rape, but that she now thinks she might not be ready.
Which is fine, the sex isnt what matters to me.
I began to get a sickeniing feeling in my stomach and started to tear up.
While she said she had wanted it and all, i felt that in some way i had violated some trust.
I'm now afraid to touch her or kiss her. The passion isnt there, im afraid ill make her relive more pain. I dont want to cause any pain for her.
I love her so much and she tried to kiss me afterwards but i just couldnt do it.
Im not disgusted, and the sex doesnt matter at all.
Im just afraid its something with me.
To see her cry was one of the most emotionally painful things to see in my life.
I just dont know what to do.
I dont know what to tell her or how to help her get through it.
If im this shaken up it must be even worse for her.

Last edited by justinlysol; 08-30-2008 at 11:06 PM.

 
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Old 08-30-2008, 11:24 PM   #2
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Re: Rape Help

This has nothing to do with you, you weren't the perpetrator. I am not surprised that she has memories coming back from the rape. I wonder, did she ever report the rapist? I don't know what the statute of limitations is for rape in Florida, but it may still not be too late to report him to the police.
Your gf needs help to deal with her traumatic experience and she needs professional help.
Ask her to look up in the phone book if there is a Rape Treatment Center in your area. The counseling at such place is usually free and counselors there deal with this kind of trauma every day and know how to help rape victims heal from the trauma of a rape.
But, as far as you are concerned, this has nothing to do with you, you have done nothing wrong. You sound like a very caring boyfriend and your gf is very lucky to have you. Just be supportive of her during the time she receives professional help. It is all you can do and give her time to heal. I wish you the best, The perpetrator who did this to her belongs in prison and shouldn't walk the streets and have the opportunity to rape other women. I hope she will consider reporting him even if the incident happened years ago.

 
Old 08-31-2008, 03:05 AM   #3
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Re: Rape Help

The problem here, as far as I can see, is her refusal to seek counselling or therapy. What are the reasons she gives for her refusal? Maybe there is more to it than a simple case of rape, and she is afraid of digging into it.

My idea is that the future of your relationship in in her hands. You say that sex doesn't matter at all (to me, that looks like an understatement, but let it be), but then again you can't even kiss her, approach her. How do you think you will be interacting with each other from now on?

You may find me to be a malicious sort of peron, but as an outsider, I still have a few doubts. Can you be totally sure that she is telling you the truth? I know of cases where people just pretend they were victims or exaggerate, for a victim is to be cherished. I am not saying this is precisely the case of your gf. I am talking in terms of probabilities, if anything. When did she tell you she had been raped? At the beginning of your relationship? And under what circumstances? And had you noticed any kind of blockage to intimacy (not necessarily sex) on her part before?

Whatever the case, I agree with the other poster. You don't have to feel guilty - I am sure you didn't hurt her - but you have reasons to be concerned.

Your main task is to argue with her that she has to move away from her past and she may need professional help to do so. Whatever happened then, happened. She can't erase the hurt, but it is useless to keep looking back and generalizing about the past as a pattern for the present and future.

 
Old 08-31-2008, 05:13 AM   #4
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Re: Rape Help

justinlysol, I feel for you and I am going through similar things with my daughter right now, she recently came to me and told me and told me about her being attacked in May and also that it had brought back some repressed memories that she had of being molested by her 12 year old cousin at the time she was 4 years old. About that time in May I new something was wrong. She was wanting more body piercings on her face some tattoos and scarification tattoos and when I said no she stayed in her room crying for too days. At first I thought she was testing me but two days of crying that was more then her normal testing me. We talked more and she said she just had to have something and she showed me that she had been cutting her self and did not know what was wrong. I told her how much I loved her and agreed to let her get her belly button pierced. She seemed okay then, and we were due to see her psychologist soon for her anger control problems and adhd that we have been dealing with since she was 4 years old. I will start my own post about this, but I agree that she needs to get therapy as soon as possible at what ever it costs. I was in group therapy for depression with 5 ladies suffering from ptsd, from rape, child abuse, and mental abuse 4 nights a week, 4 hours a night, for 8 weeks. We all became very close and it helped us all having people to share our feelings with. We all learned so much about ourselves. I pray for you both, You sound like a good man and she needs your support right now. God be with you, Indy Chris

Last edited by indychris; 08-31-2008 at 05:15 AM. Reason: spelling

 
Old 11-17-2008, 02:04 AM   #5
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Smile Re: Rape Help

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
You may find me to be a malicious sort of peron, but as an outsider, I still have a few doubts. Can you be totally sure that she is telling you the truth? I know of cases where people just pretend they were victims or exaggerate, for a victim is to be cherished. I am not saying this is precisely the case of your gf. I am talking in terms of probabilities, if anything. When did she tell you she had been raped? At the beginning of your relationship? And under what circumstances? And had you noticed any kind of blockage to intimacy (not necessarily sex) on her part before?

Whatever the case, I agree with the other poster. You don't have to feel guilty - I am sure you didn't hurt her - but you have reasons to be concerned.

Your main task is to argue with her that she has to move away from her past and she may need professional help to do so. Whatever happened then, happened. She can't erase the hurt, but it is useless to keep looking back and generalizing about the past as a pattern for the present and future.

No intent to offend, but I wouldn't take any of this advice, and I only say that because if she is telling the truth dealing with it like that^ will not be helpful to either her nor you and I can say this because I know from personal experience what she's going through. Letting her feel in control of the relationship was a smart move, but you need to do that with her healing from the rape also. I wouldn't argue with her or try to persuade her day and night to get professional help, although it is very true that it is needed. A lot of rape victims have symptoms of dissociation and numbness. They put on fronts or block out the traumas and pains, so what he^ said about 'blockage to intimacy' really is completly irrelevant to if she was actually raped or not. A couple days after it happened to me I pretended like everything was okay and did stuff that I didn't feel "safe" or "comfortable" doing because some rape victims get scared, or overwhelmed at the thought of dealing with the new weaknesses and pains. The fact that she started crying brings back such vivid memories. I remember the first time I had sex after my incident, I started sobbing, so I understand completly how she feels and I can assure you 100% it is nothing against you. If anything she probably feels a little bit bad. Don't feel in anyway that you've violated her because that's not the case and I'm sure she doesn't think of you like that now. I wouldn't be afraid to kiss her or touch her or anything because treating a rape victim too fragiley can irritate them. It sounds like symptoms of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, maybe tell her that she should get checked out for it and see about taking medicine to help with the vivid flashbacks and "re-living's" Then maybe from there she could think about talking to a therapist. Good luck, and remember shes very lucky to have someone as supportive as you, I wish my boyfriend was that way at the time, and don't feel guilty because I'm sure shes not blaming you for anything.

 
Old 11-18-2008, 03:52 AM   #6
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Re: Rape Help

Quote:
Originally Posted by justinlysol View Post
Im just afraid its something with me.
Rest assured it is NOTHING you have done or said. You sound like a very caring, considerate person. Give her space, but be there for when she does want closeness. Whenever I go 'off' like this, hubby automatically blames himself..........and the truth is - it is NOTHING to do with HIM AT ALL! It sounds like that is what you are doing, tip toeing around for fear you'll upset her further. (And by the way, that infuriates me further). I baffle my hubby, (and myself at my reactions) even now and we've been married 13 years. Be yourself.

 
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