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Old 11-20-2008, 04:00 AM   #1
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Sexual abuse question

My best friend (male) is thinking about moving several states away. He has an eight year old daughter and twelve year old son. He is torn about leaving her and her brother behind knowing he will only be able to see them a couple of times a year if he moves. I think he should wait at least four years before moving away because I have seen several instances of children being thrust into bad situations by an irresponsible mother and the little girls have been sexually abused by a step father or step brother. In every one of these instances the real father was either physically absent or was weak in character (which my friend definitely is not).

My question is this: does anyone know any studies that bears this observation out? I don't want to use this as an example if my thinking is completely off base, but another incidence of this happened just this week to a little girl who I've watched grow from a toddler into a beautiful 17 year old young lady. She was molested by her step father (who actually adopted her when she was a baby) from the time she was twelve years old. I would have never believed this man could have done something like this and my heart breaks for this little girl.

I know my friend would be totally devastated if anything like this happened to his little princess, but for some reason guys with NORMAL sexual desires just can't conceive of the dangers that are out there for little girls. Any help on how to approach this with him will be appreciated.
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Old 11-20-2008, 04:28 AM   #2
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Re: Sexual abuse question

Let me make a clarification...in the instance I mentioned the mother was NOT irresponsible...The real father was deceased. I realize that this happens to the girls of lots of good mothers too....just that my friend's ex wife tends to be irresponsible.
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Old 11-21-2008, 06:13 AM   #3
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Re: Sexual abuse question

I do not know any real statistics of the things you are speaking of, but maybe you just remind your friend that by moving that far away and only seeing your children a couple of times a year, you can not be as involved with every day decisions of thier lives. If the mother is not a very responsible person than there many things that could go wrong! When I was eight, my dad moved very far away. I only saw him once every year or 2. As a teenager I resented my dad for not being a part of my life. Those kids need thier father, I do not know the situation, but maybe just helping him realize how much he will miss might help him decide.

 
Old 11-24-2008, 12:20 AM   #4
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Re: Sexual abuse question

Unless there have already been issues of abuse I don't see why this is even an issue to you. If he wants to move then he should. It isn't the best situation, seeing the kids only a few times a year, but families make it work.

Why do you suspect that these kids are going to be sexually abused just because the dad is moving away?

 
Old 11-30-2008, 12:53 PM   #5
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Re: Sexual abuse question

I never knew my father but I was never sexually abused. My mom was far from responsible too. I don't see what difference it would make having a father there or not.

 
Old 12-19-2008, 08:57 PM   #6
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Re: Sexual abuse question

I had a step dad since age 12 and I was not abused.

I don't think this is the road you want to take to keep someone close to their kids.

Studies only exist when there is a major problem or pattern in something.

The only study I know about sexual abuse is that very often it happens from a close family member. Whether or not that is a step parent, I don't know.

 
Old 12-19-2008, 10:38 PM   #7
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Re: Sexual abuse question

Children need their parents. The girl has a higher risk of becoming sexually active at an earlier age. Those who feel it doesn't make a difference don;t get it. Things are not black and white. Children may act out or seek from they are missing from their parents in others like boyfreinds, etc. If the mother is not responsible, then the father should try to take custody of them? Some men prey on women with children who are vulnerable, of course this is not always the case, but it happens more than you think it would. Growing up and seeing mom get new boyfreinds and/or a husband screws kids up in many cases. They children often feel like the don't belong and are shuffled between homes and the parents create new children, it is a mess. I would urge your freind to not move away, tell him to be responsible and raise his children and he can leave when the daughter turns 18. He is obligated as a parent to be there for them. That is my take on this.

 
Old 12-20-2008, 12:25 PM   #8
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Re: Sexual abuse question

I agree--not having a positive male role model in a young girl's life (especially), can lead her down some dangerous roads. It's not always the case of course, but whether or not the mother is responsible, the girl may very likely look for male attention in other ways. It's a fact of life. Having someone say "well my mother raised me alone, and I turned out fine" is all well and good, however there are unseen psychological factors to take into account before making the descision to take off from your kids.

Having the father move away is not the best case scenario (as far as the children are concerned), so I would try to get him to realize that. Although it might be a really tough descision for him to make, depending on why he feels the need to move...

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Old 12-21-2008, 09:59 PM   #9
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Re: Sexual abuse question

VERY well said Whiskers.

 
Old 12-22-2008, 05:37 PM   #10
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Re: Sexual abuse question

We don't know much about the mother in this case. If the mother is a good mother, then that has a lot to do with it. My mother was a great mother, and she met a great man - a man who was so much better than my real father. They have been married over 20 years now and my step dad is close with my children as well - closer than my real dad is.

So, it totally depends on the situation.

 
Old 12-23-2008, 01:18 PM   #11
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Re: Sexual abuse question

I agree, Belly Kelly. It depends on each individual person. I also was raised from age 12 with a step dad that I'm not terribly close with, however we get along good. He's a great grandfather to my son. He is a much more responsible person than my real father was as well. Because of issues in my early childhood, I know that I have some issues with men in general (however, nothing terribly drastic). My sister on the other hand (older), has major issues in many aspects of her life. And I'm convinced it's because of the way we were raised until my parent's divorce. Our mother was always a very responsible, and caring mother as well.

So, while it's kind of the opposite situation (as far as biological parenting vs. step parenting), the future of the child, depends on the child as an individual (maturity level, sensitivity level, any psychological issues prior to the "change", etc.).

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