megstag

I'm a 24 year old who has been struggling with many issues since childhood. I've seen numerous therapists & have been to a rehab center before. Yet nothing seems to help. My father developed schizophrenia when I was about 5. Instead of taking the proper medication to help his illness, he proceeded to use drugs & alcohol to cope with it which inevitably made it worse. He's been in & out of hospitals for years. I only see him about once a year now. My parents divorced when I was 8. My relationship with my mother has never been close. She was extremely verbally abusive & sometimes physical. I started to sooth my pain with food early on. At 14 I weighed 250lbs. After being teased constantly by family & my peers, I had enough. I became bulimic then lost over 100lbs within a year. At 15 I was 5' 10" weighing 112lbs. Then spent 30 days in a hospital specializing with eating disorders. I did reach a healthy weight with time but never stopped binging & purging.

At 16 I dropped out of school after students heard what happened. I was to ashamed to go back. I moved in with a friend to get away from my mother. To get by with my bills, I worked under the table at a local bar. No one questioned my age. I rarely was carded when I went out. That's when the alcoholism kicked in. A year later I went to a party where I drank until I blacked out. I woke up naked covered in my own vomit & blood on a bedroom floor. This is how I lost my virginity. I felt at fault & never told anyone.

Relationships are very hard for me to have. In order for me to be physical with a partner, I binge drink. I tend to shut down with friends because I have a difficult time trusting others. I've been own my own for 8 years now & yet the cycle continues. There is no one in my family I can talk to. I'm not sure what to expect from sharing this. Was maybe hoping to find someone who could relate or get in contact with help.