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Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board
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Old 02-03-2002, 08:36 PM   #1
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superbowlsucks HB User
sexual abuse.

Hi again everyone I know i just posted but I have been doing so much thinking tonight. I need to ask a question to figure things out.

I dont think I was technically "sexually abused".. but I still feel wrong about something that happened during my childhood. I have felt it something to be hidden and I never told anyone.

when I was about 7 or 8 my dad had a boy come live with us, he was about 19 or 20, perhaps a few years older and didnt speak a lot of english. He worked for my dad around the house (we had just built and there was lots of yard work to be done). The boy was nice, and fun, too. he babysat for my sister and I quite often.

The only thing was he would show us porno magazines in his room, and point to the pictures and explain about it. I think I found it more of a thrill than anything at the time, I knew it was "an adult thing" so I felt special but also I didnt realizing anything was that bad about it becuase I was only 8.

I also remember that while my mom would be making dinner in the kitchen, we (me & him) would play in the next room with the tv on. Only it was kind of "horsing around" playing, you know, kind of rough.
he would be sitting on the couch and I would jump & pounce on him. I remember I would step on his private area.. basically I squished his balls.. hey, it was the game, he never protested. In return he would take his fingers and shove them around "down there" on me. I mean, I didnt know that was my clitoris at the time! I thought it was a game.

A few years later I felt guilty about it. On my 14th bday he came over to work on our roof and did nothingbut stare at my friends and I on our trampoline, like a sicko. Then I had to eat dinner across from him while he also stared the whole time. I had to leave and he hasnt visited since then.

Now I realise it was all gross and I was perverted too because I liked the game and even though I had learned about "bad touching, good touching" I didnt recognise bad touching and I had also partaken in it!!

I often wonder if it has caused adverse affects because I have pushed it to the back of my mind for so many years and ignored it. I know it wasnt much but is it considered sexual abuse? I feel like I was not wrongly treated, the boy was young and I thought it was a game but now I wonder.. and I am so confused!

Sorry this was long and you guys seem supportive I hopethere is someone who has been through this that can help clear this up!!

 
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Old 02-04-2002, 01:44 AM   #2
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Re: sexual abuse.

Hi SBS,

You can post as many times as you like - we're happy to try and help.

I have no idea what the legal definition of sexual abuse is but to me I would certainly define it as such. I perceive sexual abuse as being non-consensual sexual activity of any type. Consent in this context means agreeing to the activity with a full understanding of what is requested and the emotional and physical capability to handle it. Obviously by this definition you and anyone of that age could never consent to sexual activity.

I would definitely consider discussing this with a responsible person such as your parents or your doctor. If it has caused feelings of guilt then it is an indication that it causing some distress and may require talking through with a professional.......

With best wishes.

 
Old 02-04-2002, 03:00 AM   #3
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magnolia HB User
Re: sexual abuse.

yes, legally you were sexually abused or molested... and as with all young sex abuse victims you are not responsible in any way for what happened to you or the feelings that it brought out it you at the time that it happened...you are the victim in all of this... i do not know how old you are now, but do seek treatment before the guilt festers into something more...there are also support groups for victims of sex abuse so you may want to call your local mental health center and find out when they meet...also think of reporting him, as painful as it may sound, as sex offenders have a poor record of being "cured" and he may be molesting other innocent girls as well...best wishes to you!!!

 
Old 02-04-2002, 07:30 AM   #4
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Re: sexual abuse.

The age difference is what constitutes the actions as abuse on the man's side of this, otherwise it may be classified as childish experimentation and curiosity...which it was to you.
That man was an adult and you were an innocent child.
You had totally natural responses to the attention and touch. Adults are responsible to make sure they protect children by not crossing the line of using them for adult sexuality. This man clearly crossed the line. That was not your fault.

Definitely tell your parents about this. And please open up about this, because it will help you heal from it. It would be good to get some therapy, because these things can negatively affect our lives in ways we don't realize, unless we get some help to deal with it.

<p>[This message has been edited by friend (edited 02-04-2002).]

 
Old 02-06-2002, 09:28 AM   #5
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patti rosenow HB User
Re: sexual abuse.

I agree that it was sexual abuse legally(falls into 4th degree-any form of unwanted sexual contact which can actually cover anything from cohersion(sp?)meaning talking a child into something, manipulation of any sort(threats,bribes etc.)in exchange for sexual gratification,the age difference thing as friend wrote, showing of sexually explict materials to children, to patting someone's rear or snapping a bra strap.)Law wise they have all kinds of loopholes and differences in interruptation. Moot point, means nothing. If you felt as a child-and 14 is still a child-that something someone did or said to you in the past made you feel uncomfortable than YES, you were abused. Now that doesn't mean that every game of doctor or you show me yours I'll show you mine is abusive, but at the age this guy was, his "doctor" days were long gone over. The fact that you had "learned" good touch, bad touch by that age means nothing. I bet your parents also told you that if you eat too much candy you would get a bellyache too, right? Well, did you sometimes sneak and overindulge, with consequences? Same concept, kids are not born with the ability to make good, sound, judgements that's why as friend said it is up to the "adult" in the situation to know right from wrong, no matter what language they speak. I have been through all this to a much, much, greater degree, not discounting how you feel, so I am not sure what to tell you about the effects your particular situation has had on you but I do know that my pattern of being abused and used started with what I started out thinking was a "normal game". And by the time I started feeling "yucky" about it it was too late and my "victim" role was established and it left me open to much more horrific types of abuse and abusers. Take care and know, nothing that a child does in innocence should be used to make them feel bad or wrong by anyone, including themselves.

------------------
patti
type II diabetes
pcos
ADHD
mom of two
married 10yrs
unwilling to give up on myself

 
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