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Old 03-31-2011, 07:39 PM   #1
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I don't know if I was raped.

I was in a bad relationship with an alcoholic for a while, he never hit me or anything, he was just kind of... selfish and a really bad boyfriend. Anyway, the first time we slept together (before we started officially dating) we were at my apartment and we were "making out," I guess, and things began to get more intimate. We were both partially clothed, and he began to have sex with me without asking consent. We moved to the bed, and I said "No, I don't think we should have sex," and he told me it was too late because we already had, and began having sex with me again. I didn't fight it, and just kind of... resigned to it. I felt obligated I guess? I don't know. It wasn't violent or anything.

I don't feel like I was raped, but I don't know what you're supposed to feel like when you're raped. I don't really feel anything about it. Not upset, or angry. Not sad, happy or wistful. I don't feel violated. I don't feel anything. It happened more than a year ago and I never really thought about that night until recently, and it occurred to me that I said no.

I don't know.
Was it rape?
I mean, if I have to ask, that means it wasn't, right?
Plus, I've had sex with a handful of guys. I've seduced guys before and all that, so is that what happened? We were behaving intimately, so obviously the next sex, and I'm just blowing it out of proportion, right?

 
Old 04-08-2011, 01:15 AM   #2
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Re: I don't know if I was raped.

in my book you were rape. You told him basically no and he ignored it and did it anyway. no means no whether you resisted/fought back or not no means no and yes he raped you
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Old 04-09-2011, 03:20 PM   #3
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Re: I don't know if I was raped.

I think you were raped. You said no, and I don't think you were in the feeling that you could get out of the situation. I would call the rape crisis hotline. They would be able to help. Praying for you.

 
Old 04-10-2011, 09:03 AM   #4
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Re: I don't know if I was raped.

I would have to say since you did tell him no that he did rape you by going through with it anyways.

You told him no but he proceeded to do so anyways so yes I'd mark that down as rape.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-13-2011 at 11:24 PM.

 
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:20 AM   #5
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Re: I don't know if I was raped.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thewisteria View Post
I was in a bad relationship with an alcoholic for a while, he never hit me or anything, he was just kind of... selfish and a really bad boyfriend. Anyway, the first time we slept together (before we started officially dating) we were at my apartment and we were "making out," I guess, and things began to get more intimate. We were both partially clothed, and he began to have sex with me without asking consent. We moved to the bed, and I said "No, I don't think we should have sex," and he told me it was too late because we already had, and began having sex with me again. I didn't fight it, and just kind of... resigned to it. I felt obligated I guess? I don't know. It wasn't violent or anything.

I don't feel like I was raped, but I don't know what you're supposed to feel like when you're raped. I don't really feel anything about it. Not upset, or angry. Not sad, happy or wistful. I don't feel violated. I don't feel anything. It happened more than a year ago and I never really thought about that night until recently, and it occurred to me that I said no.

I don't know.
Was it rape?
I mean, if I have to ask, that means it wasn't, right?
Plus, I've had sex with a handful of guys. I've seduced guys before and all that, so is that what happened? We were behaving intimately, so obviously the next sex, and I'm just blowing it out of proportion, right?
Technically, yes. it was "rape".
Emotionally... well, I've had stuff like this happen to me before. More than once, in fact, when I was young.
I put myself in dangerous situations sometimes, and I was not assertive about standing up for myself and my wishes. I'd say no, but if I encountered any resistance, I'd just forget about it. It didn't seem worth a big confrontation. I was just, as you said, resigned.

I have also been raped once- forcibly raped, by a stranger.

These other episodes, such as the one you describe, sort of pale by comparison. Although yes, they are technically "rape", i suppose. They seem separate, in my mind. there's a distinction between them. They didn't really make me feel violated. They didn't make me feel anything. If anything, I just felt a little ****** off at myself the next day, and then moved on.

What I'm saying is, yes, what happened to you was a regrettable incident, but if you don't feel like wearing the label of "victim" and going through a bunch of therapy and being miserable, then don't.
What happened to you is a rather gray area.
You could always just chalk it up to a miscommunication, an unfortunate incident, whatever... and move on.
You don't have to be traumatized by it, or take on the identity of a rape survivor, if you don't feel like it.
It might be better- easier- to just chalk it up to 'lesson learned" and move on.

I only say that because you sound uncertain about whether it was rape or not. If you don't FEEL raped... then don't feel obligated to identify yourself as a rape victim (which is not something that anyone would want to be, really).
Miscommunications happen. There are gray areas.

On the other hand, if you do feel traumatized and you do feel like a rape survivor, feel free to seek help for what happened.

It's really all about you and how you feel. It doesn't matter what we think, or what anybody else thinks.

Best of luck.

Last edited by Kali333; 04-10-2011 at 09:29 AM.

 
Old 04-10-2011, 04:45 PM   #6
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Re: I don't know if I was raped.

Once you're in a consensual, intimate position, consent to sex is implied unless one says no.
However, she did say no.

The fact that she felt nothing- no violation- at the time or afterward leads me to believe that this was more a miscommunication than a rape... or at least, that she can construe it that way, if she chooses to carry on with her life and not consider herself a rape victim.

We weren't there. We don't know what happened. We don't know if she said no teasingly, if she felt intimidated, why she didn't follow up the "no" by getting up and leaving.

In my experience, males don't leap from the bed the moment they hear the word "no" (unless, I suppose, it's screamed at them).
"No" tends to be the opening for negotiations, instead (their response usually being not "Okay, sorry! I'll stop immediately!" but "Why not?" or "Please?")

I guess that's just the society we live in.
There is ample opportunity for miscommunication and misunderstanding.

Last edited by Administrator; 08-13-2011 at 11:25 PM.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 01:10 PM   #7
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Re: I don't know if I was raped.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thewisteria View Post
I don't really feel anything about it. Not upset, or angry. Not sad, happy or wistful. I don't feel violated. I don't feel anything.
Why dredge up the past then?

I think Kali is right--this is a huge gray area.

Personally, I think a little more resistance is in order for this encounter to slip into the realm of rape. First, he started having sex with you without asking consent, but you didn't say yes or no or do anything else to imply "no." That doesn't sound like rape. Then you move to the bedroom and tell him "No, I don't think we should have sex." OK, you did use the word "no" but it's not very strong, because it's followed by "I don't think..." as if you're unsure about it all. Then he uses a clever statement (we already had sex) and then you don't do anything. So, at most, I see someone who said "no" and then said yes. People can change their minds.

Kali is spot on when she says to chalk this up to a lesson learned, a bad experience. Everyone has bad experiences in life. Next time know going in what your feelings are on the topic, and then be assertive. I'm sure the result could have been different if you were.

 
Old 04-11-2011, 01:51 PM   #8
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Re: I don't know if I was raped.

I expect a man to be a man and respect the woman when she changes her mind. You can just go play with yourself.

 
Old 04-28-2011, 04:43 AM   #9
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Re: I don't know if I was raped.

Just visiting again, I visit these boards once in a while to read topics that I wouldn't otherwise read in a million years. Sorry about what happened to you. I'm thinking this was something that you were unsure of to begin with, but he should have listened to you. If you punched him in the face, then he would have gotten the message. If you were drinking, then you probably were not thinking straight. I guess if you are not sure, then neither is he.

Last edited by *DottieGirl*; 04-28-2011 at 11:51 PM.

 
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