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Old 04-18-2011, 07:10 PM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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slowlydyin HB User
Exclamation Please help!!!!!!

Hi there, I am not sure that anyone can really help me at this point but i also have figured why not try. So here is my story and what brought me here. When I was 6 or 7 ( I don’t really remember, I’ve blocked most of my childhood out) I woke up to find my brother “showing me his love”. He was touching me and what not. At that age I didn’t have a clue really what he was doing was wrong… Now of course i do. This contiuned for a couple of years… him just touching me and showing me that he cared and making me touch him and show him my love for him… then during the day he would be pretending that everything didn’t happened… As i got older i began to understand more of what he was doing and why it was so wrong. when i was around 9ish or so, the touching and making me touch him thing turned worst. He climbed into my bed and raped me. Over and over… Then during the day he would abuse me.. Punching and kicking and everything else. My parents never knew about any of it. They were never really around much and going through there own things, such as a divorce and everything that had to do with that. My brother was always telling me that it was my fault and if i told anyone no one would beleive me because brothers never do that to their sisters. I would just be over reacting to him loving me. Some days he would rape me more than once, sometimes he would leave me alone. it all depended on his mood and what he felt like doing that day. Or that night. The nights were horrible… i never slept because i was always scared… Then as i got older and my body reacted to it… I knew it was my fault. How could something so wrong make my body react like that. I knew it was my fault. Anyway, to leave out most of the other details, this contiune until i was 16 years old… maybe it was even 17. But when i was 14 he moved out of the house finally. I actually thought i was safe again… until he would show up at night… because he missed me. or him and his gf and son would show up for the weekend and hed show up in my room. Why did i allow him at that age (14-17) to contiune to do it… why didn’t i do something to stop him… I can’t believe that i was so much involved in it, yet i wasn’t…. I learned very early on, how to escape… how to go into myself and pretend that it wasn’t happeneing… like none of it was real… like none of it could ever happen to me. I pushed everything out of my head and have never really thought about any of it. As we got older and went our separte ways, and i finally stood up to him and wouldn’t take it anymore, our realtionship changed. he made lots of mistakes and then when everyone else turned there back on him, I was the only one to be there for him. It's not that I forgave him or even forgot about what happened... but because i felt like it was my fault and i felt so guilty and ashamed of it all, I couldn't turn my back on him... he didn't do anything wrong... how can a brother truly "r..." his sister... It doesnt' work that way... ( at least thats what I thought... and sometimes still do) And i just kept pushing everything away, deeper and deeper into the back of my head and my heart. And then about 6 or 7 months ago I got involved into a realtionship with a guy that knew my brother. He was very abusive, pushing me around kicking me, hitting me, everything. I put up with it for a while because i was the one who pushed his buttons, i was the one who made him mad. It was what i deserved because of the past and because of me pushing him. I got pregant and decided that for the child i already had and the relationship that was happeneing… it wasn’t something i could deal with, it wasn’t right. Then about 3 weeks after that, after i had broke it off with him he showed up here and raped me repeatedly for 12 hours. I was nothing more than his rag doll. He told me over and over again it was because of me, because of what i had done in the past and what i would do in the future. I believe him. The hardest part of that night, wasn’t that he raped me, ( because that I deserved and because that is what i'm worth... nothing to anyone) it was that he raped me while my son was sleeping in the room next to us. I couldn’t scream, I could fight him. I again espaced into my head and pretended it wasn’t happeneing. It had to be my fault… I had had sex with him before, and I stopped saying no. I couldn’t go to the police because they too would see it that way. You can’t have sex with someone one time, then turn around and claim rape, especially when you couldnt even contiune to say no… So for the last 7 months, i have been beating myself up, hating myself, being depressed, not eating drinking too much, trying ever so slowly to kill myself because its what i deserve... it's my punishment for letting my brother hurt me for years and then for turning around and letting this guy to the same thing... my fault.... I have been trying to speak to someone at an assult center and the appointments never work out. But the problem is, that i am so scared… Im scared that they too will see it as my fault. I believe that i’ve lost all hope and I don’t deserve to be freed from this prision ive put myself into. I brought it all on myself.. I either said something or did something. Plus i’m scared that they are going to make me confront my brother and tell my parents. I can’t do either, it will destroy what is left in my family. And then there’s that… i can never get away from my brother… He is a part of my life, weather i want him to be or not… he is always at hoildays and family gatherings... and i can't just not go withoug having to explain to the other family members why i don't want to be around him. And i can't do that... I can't explain to them what he did to me... one they wouldn't believe me... they have never beleived anything i've said to them... never... I was always the one to cause the problems in the family... I want peace but i will never have it because i will always have a reminder of what has happened since i was 6. he is part of my life. I’m so sorry that this message is so long, and like i’ve said… there probably isn’t much anyone can say to help me figure this out. I guess i’m scared and i feel so alone. I’ve only ever told one person and that was when this relationship began. She has been an amazing friend and has helped me out and encouraged me to move forward… but that too is hard because i feel like i’m letting her down and pushing her away as well.And she wants me to reach out and get some help.. she has never been through it so i think she doesn't understand how im feeling and why its so hard for me... I've stop talking to her about it because i feel like i've just become a bug to her... a problem for her... one she doesn't need. Again… i’m so sorry this isn’t making sense. i needed to get it off my chest… If there is anything that you can help with please do… anything would be good… because as of right now i am completley at a lose and i'm slowly dying... inside and out... im doing anything to get these emotions out of my head and out of my heart and they don't go away... please help me

 
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Old 04-19-2011, 03:21 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 14
Nyret HB UserNyret HB User
Re: Please help!!!!!!

I'm so sorry you've gone through this, I am currently working through related issues but what I do know is that rape is NEVER your fault, your brother, and your ex made that decision- NOT YOU. What your ex did is rape, it doesn't matter if you had consensual sex in the past, it doesn't matter that you didn't scream- you were put in a position where you could not scream for help for the sake of your child, you sacrificed yourself for your child, this does not make it consensual in ANY way. I've recently been able to get in touch with a sexual crisis line and they have been extremely helpful- don't give up getting in touch with them. I urge you to let them know your in crisis, I know this label is hard to use, but you will get through to them much faster. The assault center will not see it as your fault, there is no way that will happen because NONE OF THAT WAS YOUR FAULT! I almost drank myself to death believing what my abusers had said to me, but they always lie, always, it is the textbook behavior of abusive people to make the survivor believe it was there fault. They are wrong, you didn't deserve, ask for, or cause ANY of what has happened. I was in a very similar situation, please talk to someone soon. You need to protect yourself and make sure this doesn't happen again, please please please contact
National Sexual Assault Hotline.

They are a national organization that has helped thousands of women, you don't even have to give them your real name, just call anonymously and talk.
I hope this helps, stay strong, you will get through this

< edited >

Last edited by hb-mod; 04-19-2011 at 03:24 PM. Reason: Please don't post unapproved website links, or contact info, per Posting Policy. Thanks.

 
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slowlydyin (04-19-2011)
Old 04-19-2011, 03:31 PM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 14
Nyret HB UserNyret HB User
Re: Please help!!!!!!

I guess I wasn't suppose to post links, I'm sorry about that, I hope you can get in touch with resources in your area, hang in there.

 
Old 04-19-2011, 05:31 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
slowlydyin HB User
Re: Please help!!!!!!

Thank you for responding... its go to know im not alone, even though I feel so incrediably alone... I feel like every breath I take im pretending to be someone im not anymore... i'm pretending that my whole life didn't happen. And sometimes i turly wish it was happening.... I understand people saying its not my fault... but i can't get over the feelings that its what i deserved. I deserved my ex to beat and rape me, for all the things i did to make my brother do it to me. I had to have lead them both on over time... Its the only way i can understand what has happened... I have gotten in touch with a crisis center around where i live. But i'm scared to actually go. I'm scared that they are going to make confront everything that has happened to me.. I'm afraid that once its starts its never going to end... i'm scared that I'm going to get worst before i get better and I don't think i can... I've hit my rock bottom so many times in the last 7 months. I've tried so many times to end all the pain... drinking, doing drugs, not caring... everything... I've tried to go on about my life, getting up each day and going to work because they need me there. If they didn't i would never get out of bed again.... Never get up to pretend that everything is okay... when it truly isn't. Anyway, i have been in touch with this center... it just never seems to work out... something always comes up and i feel like maybe i'm not suppose to go to this appointment. Maybe by opening up about everything its going to kill me... Maybe if i open all this up about my brother, then i am going to be alone, because my family will turn their back on me. If my family ever finds out about this, about what i caused my brother to do to me, they will never ever talk to me again. they will never be here for me... they will forever hate me for doing this to my brother. They too will see it was my fault... And because i already feel so alone i'm scared that i really will be alone when other people find out... i really will be standing in my life completely alone.
And with the holidays around the corner, i'm even more scared because my brother will be there. If i tell my family that i can''t go they won't understand... they never do... and they will make me go... so i will have to just hide all my thoughts and feelings again... i will have to pretend that nothing is going on in my life and all that has been brought up isn't affecting me... anyway, thanks for getting back to me... I hope that one day i will be something im suppose to be... but i don't think that i am worth even that...


 
Old 04-19-2011, 06:07 PM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 14
Nyret HB UserNyret HB User
Re: Please help!!!!!!

I know you did not do anything to deserve what your brother did to you because you were 6 when it started- 6! You were a child! how could you have possibly done anything to deserve this? You are at absolutely NO fault. I thought for a long time that the only thing I was good for was to be used by others. I got programed into thinking this at a young age by my father, he said that was all I was good for and I unfortunately believed him and set myself up for so much more abuse that I've endured- but that doesn't make it my fault, its his, its his fault that I thought and acted that way. And its your brothers fault for making you think these things- this is his doing. No child is born into this world deserving this, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE RAPED! Not a single person on this huge planet. The worst part of abuse is what I like to call the mind-f*** aspect of it, the mental abuse that makes the survivor think they asked for it. I use the word "survivor" very intentionally, because thats what we are. We are not "victims" because that implies that we are forever a victim and we aren't- we are survivors of trauma, just like if we had endured a natural disaster, healing takes time but does happen. You are not alone, your words are the textbook example of someone who has suffered horrible trauma and is at the beginning of a beautiful healing process, I know because what you've said is soooo similar to my story, but it is YOUR story, no matter how much I relate, my story is different, all of our stories are different, but they always have the same themes. A great book is "The courage to heal" I hope I'm allowed to suggest that. It has really helped me understand my thoughts, and recognize negative patterns of thinking that were taught to me by abusers as a child.
It is super hard to go to the first appointment, but it is so worth it. I was so terrified that I was "opening pandoras box" by addressing my abuse, but I realized, now that I'm in the midst of healing, that I don't feel so stuck anymore, it's actually easier than thinking I was the horrible person for so many years. I was raped all night a year ago, and I thought it was my fault because I was drinking too much, but it wasn't, he knew better, and in reality I was targeted by him because he knew I was in a vulnerable place, because he knew he could get away with it because my story wouldn't hold up in court. This sounds similar to what happened with your brothers friend, even if he didn't know details, it seems like he knew that you could be manipulated into staying quiet. The best revenge is healing. Tell your story, as much as you need to, you have endured so much, but it is never too late. I thought I was lost cause, I had never seen good, I've been raped more times than I've had consensual sex, I've been abused by almost every man in my family, I was raised to be a prostitute-literally. But here I am, healing, sober, I even laugh now, and you can too. It is sooo hard in the beginning, but I can't say enough how worth it the painful healing process is, you can have your life back, all of us can.

Last edited by Nyret; 04-19-2011 at 06:10 PM. Reason: typo

 
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