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Rape / Sexual Abuse Message Board
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Old 05-16-2011, 11:09 PM   #1
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Never thought I'd ever seek for help But I need it

I'm quite tough in the sense that I keep everything to myself and it all is confined deep down inside. I suppose I'm that perfect example of a "bottled up emotion" however as contrary as that may be, I'm probably the next most emotional guy you would have ever met - you just don't know it.

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years now and I found out 1 year into our relationship that she was raped 2 years before we had met by her ex-boyfriend. The issue here is, I'm a virgin by choice with a record of over 50 girlfriends in my past. Virginity to me is something extremely precious as to how my late mother had taught me. I had experienced this issue on rape before with one of my ex-girlfriends who thought she was raped and within a matter of hours, I broke up with her due to such situation I could not bear dealing with. I know this is wrong of me and it's a bad way to deal with such sensitive issues especially when it's worst on the girl than it is on me but I can't seem to control my emotions as well.

With my current girlfriend, she has had only 5 boyfriends in her past and had never lost her virginity until the unfortunate event and never had sex since (To this day of which me and her have not yet have sex however I see myself wishing otherwise... to an extent). The issue here is that I partially blame her for the event as she had told me several times that she used the boyfriends she had for certain things, whether it was for popularity among crowds of people or to get into the best clubs/hangouts or even for a couple easy trips down drug lane (she had a phase as a teenager, it lasted only a couple of months and never again). From there I blame her for building up the situation with this guy that in a way by using him, he just used her in return.

Arguably, I know no one deserves to ever experience the harsh reality of rape. But, in some way, some people set themselves up for it... and to some extent I am guilty of thinking my girlfriend is one of them. Ever since the day she told me about the incident, I haven't been able to sleep as well, if at all. This builds up to 2 years of inconsistent sleep when I used to be the guy sleeping for 12 hours a day without a problem at all. I find myself sleeping at 10 in the morning and waking up in the afternoon even at crucial times like these couple of weeks, with university examinations on my mind yet I can't sleep over this.

I love my girlfriend and I love her enough to shove the hurt down my throat. We have had confrontations before which didn't lead to much progress and instead resulted in tears and threats of leaving and suicide. May seem dramatic but this intensity isn't something I assume many would completely understand. I'm battling with myself on a daily basis wishing that I wouldn't give a **** about anything anymore, that I was more tough than I actually am. This has caused me to hate a particular race of individuals (the race of which her attacker is of) and I never was one for racism. I find myself emotionally breaking down constantly, I blame her on the inside and I know this is hard for her yet I know the hard fact that I'm never going to be able to get what I want from her in terms of what has been deemed "precious" and the only thing a girl can materialistically give to a guy (that of being from herself). I'm a virgin, she is not. She sees that she is due to the unwillingness of rape yet my opinion differs.

The depression is bad to the point where sometimes I feel like bringing myself down to her position of being taken advantage of by another person. I know many girls who would love to get in bed with me, me not so much with them. I suppose this is similar to the situation of not willing to share an intimate moment with someone else. Why do I feel like this? I suppose it's the thought that if I was able to bring myself that down, I would be more empathetic to my girlfriend - more understanding in a sense. That I wouldn't have much to say when I compare her lack of virginity to mine thereof. To be equal in a sense? ..As sick and disgusting that may sound.. but that's how deep this depression is kicking me down..

I never thought I'd come down to this... seeking a forum for help. I've done my fair share of research on how others seem to cope with it and in my opinion, many guys seem to be doing well in regards to "getting over the problem". Me, not so much and I hate that. I know it's selfish, I know that it's unreasonable and irrational but knowing what's good for you doesn't necessary mean that you're going to feel that way. You can't help how you feel... and all I'm asking is for a better way to deal with this issue..

Thanks in advance, and sorry for the long description.

Last edited by StayingAnon; 05-16-2011 at 11:11 PM.

 
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Old 05-17-2011, 11:27 PM   #2
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Re: Never thought I'd ever seek for help But I need it

Wow.. Im a bit bothered by some of what you said but at the same time I kinda feel for you (at least your honest). First, you really need to accept the fact that rape doesn't discriminate. Just because a man of certain race violated your gf doesnt give you free reign to despise that whole race. Rapes occur in ALL races so if youre going to uphold this thinking.. hate all races. Anything else just doesnt make sense. (Think about that)

Your mothers teaching is very noble but as youve discovered, some are tainted. Is this a reason to not love her and to feel so terrible about it? Thats up to you but Id say certainly not. I can understand you being so disappointed but if you LOVE her, you should be able to find your way through it.. both of you. If you simply cant... you must let her go for the sake of both and find yourself a virgin.

Nothing can make you equal to her. You sleeping with someone you really choose not to sleep with to come down to her level is just crazy and quite honestly dumb. (I was also bothered by you saying.. "bringing myself down to her position" as thats degrading to her and she doesnt deserve that, rape isnt a choice!!). But, Keep your values. Save yourself for the one you love. Dont try sleeping around to get even.

No matter what you think, your gf did not 'invite rape' by taking rides, gaining popularity, going places with them, etc. and for you to feel this way, again, you discredit her selfworth. You will poison your relationship with these feelings which is why I said you may need to move on and find you a real virgin.. solving all of your issues (thats simple, huh). I warn you though.. I think the statistics are like one-in-four who have been violated. They dwindle further when you try searching for the true virgin.

Of course counseling could help you sort your feelings out but you sound pretty adament about how you feel and what you want and it doesnt sound like she's it. If you truly feel this way.. youd probably be doing her a favor to let her go. I sure wouldnt want my bf feeling so sick and disgusted inside over something I had no control of and that happened TO ME. I would want compassion and understanding, something you dont seem to possess.

 
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Old 05-18-2011, 09:52 AM   #3
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Re: Never thought I'd ever seek for help But I need it

It's true, in many cultures, a woman is punished for having been raped. If she's unmarried, she might be unable to marry afterwards. Sometimes women are even killed by family members. We try to do better, but it's still a complicated, ugly mess.

The fact is, it's not something she did, it's something that happened to her. Like falling down the stairs. In a way, she's still a virgin, because she's never chosen to be with anyone.

But if you can't accept that, if you can't focus your anger where it belongs, then you aren't going to be good for her mental state.

Perhaps it will help you to talk it out. Perhaps then you will be better able to love and support her, without reservations.

 
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