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-   -   Why me? (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/rape-sexual-abuse/855345-why-me.html)

BrownEyes781 06-21-2011 12:31 AM

Why me?
 
I am 29 and I have been molested several times from age 9 to 15, by 4 different family members. I have lived with this by myself all of my life. I started having mood swings, crying spells, running away, you name it. I went from being a straight A student to not giving a damn, trying to take my moms pills to kill myself (which obviously didn't work) at 9 the first time. When I started lashing out really bad, she had me hospitalized (13yr) I had to talk to a psychiatrist. I told the Doc of 1 episode so that they thought I was ok to get out. As soon as I got released, I ran away again. I started having sex with random people that approached me or who tried to force me. I didn't care, I felt worthless, disgusted, and just wanted to die anyway. I couldn't feel anything when I had sex unless it was pain up until I was about 22. I got pregnant at 15 right before my 16th bday and didn't know who the daddy was going to be. My boyfriend and I broke up so I did have sex with someone else once, but was molested the last time a few weeks before I found out. I finally had a DNA test and luckily it was not my cousin. My father was the only one who molested me but didn't penetrate me ( as if that even matters), my two uncles and 1 cousin did. The older I got I began to change, so instead of being promiscuous I hated most men and didn't want to be touched. Not wanting to be touched caused a problem in my relationships. My story is so long a f####d up that I dont even want to depress any else who has read this. Im confused, hurt, disgusted and feel pretty much worthless. Im still living because I dont want anyone to hurt my four girls or son. My son is the 1st and my girls I got while on birth control with my ex screwing me in my sleep or awake not wanting to. Then guess what.... Pregnant... after that he was doing it again.... Pregnant with twins..... Last time just kill me. Finally i left and went to another state for 4 years before I moved back. I dont know what to call that situation... Rape...Love... or as he said JUST BORROWING IT!!!! I just told my mom about all of this last night and I feel bad for making her as sad as I always am but my docs have been telling me to tell her for years. WTH.... Well you win some and in my case you always lose. I hope everyone else has found a way to cope, because im as bad as a rollercoaster.

Phoenix 06-21-2011 03:10 AM

Re: Why me?
 
Hello BrownEyes,

The mere fact that you can articulate this is to be admired.

Please try to stay strong...we're pulling for you.

Explaining things to your mother may have been difficult,on so many levels but
may just be the catalyst that promotes change for you.

Embrace healing;may the hurt,anger and pain begin to subside.

Sincerely
Phoenix

fjeeva001 06-21-2011 03:15 AM

Re: Why me?
 
Brown Eyes, im so sorry you have had to go through this.
The main fact is however that you have SURVIVED this, and you now have 4 beautiful children to make a difference with. Re-live your childhood and teenage years through giving them everything you would have wanted.

Dont give up, they need you. You are obviously a strong and courageous person and dont let all the messed up people in your past change that.

Concentrate on the present and the blessed little kids you have and give them the best.

Good luck:angel:

BrownEyes781 06-21-2011 09:11 PM

Re: Why me?
 
Thanks Phoenix and fjeeva. I try to stay strong but of course I get down and more often than I'd like to. I have 5 kids, a boy and four girls and I try to protect them and be honest with them without ruining too many things for them. I dont really know if or how I will move on with my life without having a problem with this, as I mentioned before it always causes a problem in my relationships. Thanks again.


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