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Old 07-12-2011, 11:48 AM   #1
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Cannot Fully Remember/Having Flashbacks

I have been dealing with PTSD for the past 20 years. I witnessed and was a victim of crime in my growing years. It has taken years to have certain memories of events that happened when I was a child. I have had 2 major breakdowns and hospitalizations after remembering traumatic events of my past that retraumatized me.

Last year I was on the verge of a breakdown and was having memories again that I surpressed all my life. What I remembered was horrific, and I somehow stopped taking medication I have been on for 20 years and I entered a psychotic state that I was in and out of for several weeks. I eventually was hospitalized.

It has taken me over a year to start to recover from this breakdown of last year for many reasons. During the time prior to my hospitalization last year I was sexually assaulted brutally in my apartment and have only remembered this last month. I had memory loss from last year and although I have remembered most of my psychois prior to my hospitalization now, I knew I was still missing time and blocking out certain things about certain people but did not know what.

Last month I started seeing snippets of myself in my bedroom last year with two men. Without getting into triggering details I was orally raped by one of them while the other threatened me with a firearm. I saw in my head some of what they did and heard some of what they said, including one of them saying "Let's do this, look at her, she'll never remember." One of my flashbacks included one of the men putting his shirt back on. Because of the type of shirt it was and what was on it, I was able to tell where he works.

I do not remember how they got in. I do not know if I let them in, what I said to them, how I came to be in my bedroom with them. I cannot even remember how I got to the hospital or most of the time there. I remember being released. my medical records say that the police found me lying in the street and took me to ER saying that I was going to kill myself. I think I may have wandered out of my home after the assault. I do not know how long I was outside before I was found. When I was released from the hospital I had no purse and no ID. I didn't even have my keys.

I know I will remember more about this. For whatever reason my brain is playing it back in flashbacks. I know it is not a dream or a delusion, but because of the nature of my psychosis of last year I do not think if I were to report it I would be believed. I am more concerned with my present safety and recovering from this, as remembering this has made me very ill with some symptoms such as bad headaches and serious insomnia.

I talked to an attorney and he told me he felt it is important to remember any more that happened before I think about what to do. I found out that in my state a rape has to be reported within a year of the incident for prosecution to occur. I remembered 3 months too late.

This was a brutal gang rape with a weapon. I think I was singled out because of my condition, I believe what I have remembered really happened. There is no doubt in my mind it happened and it was so horrific that I blocked it out all this time. I lived in a very bad area during my illness and people knew I was very sick with mental illness and did not help. I lived in a drug zone and it was dangerous and uncomfortable. I have since moved from there. I was incapacited in and out of psychosis when this occurred and it was evident I was very ill. I was defenseless and I feel humiliated and emotionally hurt although I think I am lucky to be alive.

It bothers me that I blocked this out, as I have never had memory loss or dissociation my whole adult life. I blocked out childhood things but have been a functional adult with no memory loss. I am scared about what else I will recall as I think it was so terrible that it was blocked out this whole time. I do not know what triggered me to remember any of this.

Remembering this has caused me some problems.

I have read on msg boards from people who have written to say they regret having reported their assaults. women are not believed by the police and are called liars even when they DO remember it and report it. I can't imagine reporting this and not being called a liar. I think what I need to do is just take care of my mental health because of it. I still have flashbacks of childhood but am able to separate what happened 40 years ago from what happened to me last year that I have now recalled.

About six months ago I was in a store and was at the checkout paying and I felt somebody staring at me. A man in back of me had put two items down on the counter he was going to buy and I turned around and he was staring at me intently and had a strange smile on his face. He sort of tilted his head and it looked like he was going to speak to me but he didn't, so I turned around thinking he just thought he knew me but didn't. I wondered if I was supposed to know him but I did not recognize him. I smiled back feeling weird about it as he was just staring at me and when I paid and turned around to look at him again he was gone. He left his items there and walked away without paying. I am wondering if it was the other man who raped me and by coincidence he was in back of me, recognized me, and decided to see how I would react to seeing him. Why would he walk away? I also wondered if I was followed by him.

I think I have done what I can in telling a lawyer what I have. I need professional help about this because it is so disturbing to me and it is affecting my functioning. I cannot sleep at night and have anxiety symptoms. I am always tired and sleep a lot during the day lately.

I do not know if "humiliation" is the right thing to feel, as I am feeling manythings but this is the main feeling I am having. I am also having anger and want them punished but know this will not happen. I know from what I saw of myself and what happened in my head that my life was threatened with a weapon and from the look on my face I am sure I feared for my life. I did not feel fright for my present safety until recently. Also, I had always wondered what happened to my sheets on my bed. They were gone when I returned from the hospital. I may have thrown them out, I'm not sure and I don't think I did. During my breakdown last year I was throwing some things out preparing to move but I do not think I threw away my bed sheets. I can't imagine men walking out of a home with sheets in their hands to cover up any DNA evidence but this may have occurred in the daylight. It was daytime as I can remember the light in the bedroom, and I have no proof that this ever happened. I do not know if I was vaginally raped. I do not remember any vaginal pain but I do not know. I just cannot remember. After my 2nd hospitalization I asked my dr. to do a pregnancy test not even knowing at the time why I was asking for this, as I haven't been with anybody for several years.

Has anybody else blocked out aspects of thier assault? has anybody not reported it and then felt that they were in danger by the man/men who assaulted them?

I found this site while looking for rape recovery information. I have not told anybody this happened except to talk to a lawyer about certain things. Because of the law here, I cannot prosecute as it is too late, but they would lose their jobs. This in and of itself I think would put me in a lot of danger. The lawyers advice right now is to do nothing, which I am listening to. I'm not sure I should even talk about it in therapy but I think I have decided I have to tell my therapist.

 
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Old 07-12-2011, 03:10 PM   #2
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Re: Cannot Fully Remember/Having Flashbacks

I told my therapist today. He is going to help me.

 
Old 07-13-2011, 04:01 AM   #3
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Re: Cannot Fully Remember/Having Flashbacks

Quote:
Originally Posted by CambridgeGal View Post
I told my therapist today. he is going to help me.
Hello CambridgeGal,

Please speak to your therapist about this,as often as necessary.

They can only help you,if aware of the nature of your situation.

If it is difficult to explain,then proceed at a pace that is comfortable for you.

Let your therapist know this also,as the more the more info provided,the better they can offer professional assistance.

Treading as lightly as possible,
Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

Last edited by Phoenix; 07-13-2011 at 04:06 AM.

 
Old 02-11-2012, 11:11 AM   #4
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Re: Cannot Fully Remember/Having Flashbacks

I'm glad you are speaking with your therapist because that is what they are trained to deal with. I'm sure they have heard it all, so don't be afraid to tell everything. I am going through the same thing you are. I was molested as a kid, but as an adult I was brutally attacked, but didn't think I was raped until memories started coming back. I have blocked out so much of that night, but flashbacks come back. I was frightened for my life because he had a gun, and I was in and out of consciousness and so, I remember when I arrived at the ER on a stretcher, I still had some clothes on, but when I regain consciousness again, I'm in a hospital gown with icepacks over my face and they are asking me if he raped me because I'm bleeding down there. I honestly don't know. But I know that humiliation you feel. The ultimate humuliation and a final cruel twist in this is that my ex stepfather who molested me for years was an EMT at the hospital, so he was good friends with the doctor who had to examine me for rape and because they didn't know it, he was in the room and I could hear his voice. I DIDN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS UNTIL RECENTLY AND SO I THINK THAT WAS SOMETHING I COULDN'T DEAL WITH....having the man who molested me playing as my BIG PROTECTOR and watching me be examined for rape.....HOW CRUEL IS LIFE????? BUT I TOTALLY KNOW YOUR PAIN, HUMILIATION, SHAME, FEAR...and fortunately, the man is in jail, not my stepdad, but the man who beat me. My stepdad did however end up leaving my mother, and then molesting more kids and finally got arrested, so he spent 18 months in jail and is a registered sex offender. I guess there is some justice in the world, but unfortunately, the memories live on....

 
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