Sorry for the long post!
There have been so many times when I have tried to talk, tried to write a blog, tried to do something to off load my anger, my frustration and my fear, yet I have never succeeded. I always get so far then delete everything and go to bed. This time, it’s going to work. This time, I have just read an article that had made me re-evaluate my whereabouts on the road to recovery.
The truth is I was raped when I was 17. Even just typing that on the page makes my head spin, saying it out loud is impossible... this surely should have been a sign that I have not even begun to deal with it. I’ve never talked about it and only 3 people know that it ever happened.
At the time, crying about it seemed pointless. I didn’t want this thing that happened to ruin my life, I wanted to show myself that I could cope and that I was strong. It led to a string of meaningless one night stands and abusive relationships.
It’s been 7 years and I now have 2 beautiful children. I thought all of this was behind me; I thought I was ‘cured’... this year the date passed by without a single thought (for the first time). Yet now after reading this article I sit here wondering if this is real or if I am still stuck in the aftermath of rape...
“There were times where I refused to have sex with my partners because I was too tired or didn’t want to, and in turn, they prodded and bugged me until I gave in. At the time, did I realize that this type of coercion could be defined as sexual abuse or even sexual assault, and that this type of behaviour was abnormal and not something that would happen in a healthy relationship? Of course not. Not until many years later did I realize that.” (from the article I read)
...is this where I am? There have been times, after saying no, that I’ve woken up being ‘fondled’ but I just assumed that this was a somewhat cheeky but normal part of a relationship? Right now I’m wondering where exactly this leaves me? I’m confused..
__________________ No one can predict the outcome of an event with 100% certainty. So, instead of worrying yourself to death... take every step you can to make things work in your favour and just ENJOY LIFE!!!!
Honestly, it leaves you in a bit of a mess. Your boyfriend should know that you are not a sex toy for him to use at his pleasure. have you sat him down and talked with him about the rape and how his actions at certain times are a major turn off? If you think this relationship is serious and headed down that wonderful isle into wedded bliss, these are some of the things you need to work out before the weddings.
No one has a right to use your body for anything unless you say it's okay, and it is that simple. but you have to stick to your guns, it doesn't work to let yourself be guilted or pouted into saying, "Oh fine, lets jsut do it".
hi i know what u feel i to was raped when i was 13 but the thing i can tell u is see a doctor i let mine take over i crushed down nearly hurting my family i am getting there now with the help of family and doctors u will also get there xxxx
I realize the difficulty that accompanies sharing situations such as this and both hope and pray you will continue on a path that helps unburden your load further.
